What is your take on Settling for a guy?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 17, 2008 4:47 PM GMT
    I have a female friend that has had the worst luck with men. She puts in everything into the relationship and something always goes wrong. In my opinion a lot of them were just assholes and she could have done better. She is currently dating a guy that really wants to be with her. The only problem....she doesnt feel any spark between them. She doesnt look at him in a sexual way at all. She said that in time she will grow to be attracted to him and that she is willing to settle.

    If you found out that a guy had settled for you, what would your reaction be? I would be crushed.
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    Jul 17, 2008 4:55 PM GMT
    this will end in tears
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    Jul 17, 2008 4:59 PM GMT
    She needs to look at why she is attracted to jerks and why the good men turn her off. I see this all the time with men and with women - they go for the ones who will cause them pain and are turned on by the excitement and drama in the relationship. A stable relationship feels boring to them and they view it as settling when it really isn't. Bad boys are more thrilling, but they also drink too much, fuck your best friends, steal your money, and ruin your credit rating. Therapy really can help if she's willing to invest the time and take a hard look at herself.

    I'm speaking from my own experience, however, so it may be different for her. Just something to consider. For a long time I never felt like I deserved a good man or deserved to be treated well. Which is bullshit, of course.
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    Jul 17, 2008 5:00 PM GMT
    dancerjack saidthis will end in tears


    LOL
  • UncleverName

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    Jul 17, 2008 6:10 PM GMT
    So what's the solution? How do women that are attracted to 'bad' guys learn to be attracted to 'good' guys?

    Sounds like asking 'teh gayz' to be attracted to women.

    I know some women that seem to continually fall for guys that just aren't good for them. I suspect that it's the sex that does it. And I suspect that if that's the case, they're settling either way then: they can either have exciting sex, or they can have a stable relationship. Maybe having an unstable relationship makes the sex exciting?

    My question is, how does someone change that? How do you change what you're attracted to?

    Stay single?
  • UncleverName

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    Jul 17, 2008 6:13 PM GMT
    To answer the original poster, if I loved the guy, I wouldn't care too much.

    Being in a real relationship effectively means that you've settled in some respect. Your partner will never fit you perfectly, and you will never fit him perfectly, so you figure out as you go along what parts of him are important to fit, and which ones you can tolerate not fitting.

    The alternative is to stay single. Nothing wrong with that tho, imo.
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    Jul 17, 2008 6:28 PM GMT
    My heart goes out to the poor sod, that likes her.
    Not only is she not being honest with her self she's not being honest him.

    He could really be a good give and you can't learn to be attracted to someone either the spark is there or it isn't.

    Makes you kind of wonder who was really the jerks in her past relationship?????hmmmm

    She needs to WOMAN UP! And tell this guy she don't feel the same way that he does so he can be about finding his true mate. Because it's not her and sooner or later he will figure it out and I would not want to be around for that.

    He is what is known as transitional man, you'll do until the right one becomes along.

    We in the guy community do it all the time! It's sickening!


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    Jul 17, 2008 6:39 PM GMT
    gymguy1 saidI have a female friend that has had the worst luck with men. She puts in everything into the relationship and something always goes wrong. In my opinion a lot of them were just assholes and she could have done better. She is currently dating a guy that really wants to be with her. The only problem....she doesnt feel any spark between them. She doesnt look at him in a sexual way at all. She said that in time she will grow to be attracted to him and that she is willing to settle.

    If you found out that a guy had settled for you, what would your reaction be? I would be crushed.


    Maybe she just needs to change her style a bit...



    ok...so it's a stretch...but I love Beatrice Lillie and Carol Channing in it. And John Gavin is gorgeous.
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    Jul 17, 2008 6:41 PM GMT
    Well, for me I guess it all depends on the reasons. Would it hurt, maybe. It is important to bear in mind that when a relationship of any sort develops, it is not based on some arbitrary decision. There has to be some sort of attraction (not nescessarily physical) between the two parties for anything to become of it.


    .....and as Unclever said there is nothing wrong with being or staying single.
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    Jul 17, 2008 6:42 PM GMT
    Ducky44 is right (BTW, is that a reference to Pretty in Pink?), I fee for the poor guy who is dating her. If I put my heart and soul into a relationship with an individual only to find out that they were not up front and honest with me about their feelings, I'd fall into tears. Obviously your friend has been hurt in the past, but holding onto the baggage, while at the same time makeing her stronger, it is also going to bar her from finding someone that she truly cares for. How often does she find herself in new relationships? I'd say that she needs to work with/on her own skeletons and not drag this fella through the mud.
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    Jul 17, 2008 6:56 PM GMT
    You don't mention whether she was honest with him about her feelings. If she was open with him then it's really up to them to figure out what is acceptable in their relationship. If she is not being honest about her feelings it's a problem.

    I actually think it's admirable that she is trying to move away from the jerks. She is at least recognizing that she has been making bad decisions in the past. This is more than I can say for a lot of people who just continue to whine about not finding love but don't accept responsibility for their part in it.

    Also, I know this is hard to believe for most men, but there are people who don't value sex more than the person. Everyone needs to understand who they are and live their own lives accordingly. Just be honest about your feelings.

    We shouldn't expect our idea of what love is to be what others should strive for. We all love differently but what matters is that we love.

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    Jul 17, 2008 7:06 PM GMT
    I think most guys would figure it out... I think most of us know when the other is not in love with us, but we may continue to hope it will change. Some would be happy to have been settled for.

    But, most guys who "settle" typically end up cheating or leaving.
    Over the years I have trully come to believe that women marry for practical reasons and men marry for love.

    practical = good provider, secure, loves you, good parent potential, stable, employed

    Not quite the Cinderella Story you think, but if you think about it --> The Prince wants the beautiful princess, who he can sweep off her feet, love and adore. The princess wants the prince who will sweep her away (not necessary off her feet), somewhat rescue her and provide her happiness...
    I feel so Mister Rogers now, LOL icon_eek.gif


    So no good can come of this.
    If I found out I was settled for, I'd walk.
    ...or better yet, get on my white horse and ride, solo, out in to the sunset icon_cool.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 17, 2008 7:19 PM GMT
    As long as you believe that there is a 'perfect' man out there for you, you will never become fully committed to the person you choose for he will never be able to live up to that ideal.

    Some blind themselves to the obvious.

    Some subconsciously choose the wrong guy due to some inner self destructive mechanism. (This is the relationship version of the Groucho Marx line, "I'd never belong to a club that would have someone like me as a member.")

    Some live in their own world and are unable to accept the reality of the world around them. (Usually, instead of the world in the media; full of 2 dimensional characters, easy solutions that occur within an hour.)

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    Jul 17, 2008 7:26 PM GMT
    I would rather be alone then "settle" for someone. I need to be in love. It does not have to be a perfect guy (no such person exists), and the sex does not have to end in fireworks everytime, but there needs to be mutual respect, affection, consideration and love. There has to be a chemistry between the two of you. A comfort level both physically and emotionally so that you can be emotionally vulnerable and feel you are going to be safe.

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    Jul 17, 2008 7:26 PM GMT
    My friend use to tell him she wasnt ready to be in a relationship (knowing she wasnt attracted to him). Then she said she was going to be celibate until marriage. I told her she is using him just so she will not be alone. Her logic is..."its too painful to be alone and he is the only guy right now that is giving me attention".

    That sad part of all this is my friend is really pretty. You would think that she couldnt get a man. I suggested she try the online thing and she wants no part in that.
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    Jul 17, 2008 7:31 PM GMT
    BodyWork4 saidI think most guys would figure it out... I think most of us know when the other is not in love with us, but we may continue to hope it will change. Some would be happy to have been settled for.

    But, most guys who "settle" typically end up cheating or leaving.
    Over the years I have trully come to believe that women marry for practical reasons and men marry for love.

    practical = good provider, secure, loves you, good parent potential, stable, employed

    Not quite the Cinderella Story you think, but if you think about it --> The Prince wants the beautiful princess, who he can sweep off her feet, love and adore. The princess wants the prince who will sweep her away (not necessary off her feet), somewhat rescue her and provide her happiness...
    I feel so Mister Rogers now, LOL icon_eek.gif


    So no good can come of this.
    If I found out I was settled for, I'd walk.
    ...or better yet, get on my white horse and ride, solo, out in to the sunset icon_cool.gif



    I can't imagine any guy would think getting a good morning kiss from you would be "settling"icon_wink.gif
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    Jul 17, 2008 7:32 PM GMT
    gymguy1 saidMy friend use to tell him she wasnt ready to be in a relationship (knowing she wasnt attracted to him). Then she said she was going to be celibate until marriage. I told her she is using him just so she will not be alone. Her logic is..."its too painful to be alone and he is the only guy right now that is giving me attention".

    That sad part of all this is my friend is really pretty. You would think that she couldnt get a man. I suggested she try the online thing and she wants no part in that.


    hate to sound like an ass...
    but your friend sounds needy, which turns most guys off and she appears to "want" the bad-boy.
    So she's screwed or she can be "Samantha/Sex in the City Girl"
    in all it sounds like she needs to grow-up, get a life of her own, and then maybe she'll find the right guy to share it with.

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    Jul 17, 2008 7:53 PM GMT
    SurrealLife saidI would rather be alone then "settle" for someone. I need to be in love. It does not have to be a perfect guy (no such person exists), and the sex does not have to end in fireworks everytime, but there needs to be mutual respect, affection, consideration and love. There has to be a chemistry between the two of you. A comfort level both physically and emotionally so that you can be emotionally vulnerable and feel you are going to be safe.



    AAAAAAMEN brother!
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    Jul 17, 2008 8:52 PM GMT
    BodyWork4 said...in all it sounds like she needs to grow-up, get a life of her own, and then maybe she'll find the right guy to share it with.

    Yes, lots of growing up. For lots of losers out there, there's a direct correlation of ability to pick a crappy partner to the propensity to whine about it.

    And I hate the term "luck with men." What, is this some kind of lottery?

    She loves to bitch to you about this "luck," I gather. You're being a nice guy by listening, but I doubt she really wants you to offer a solution.
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    Jul 17, 2008 8:58 PM GMT
    What one perceives as settling may be someone's "education" not this is the case, I'm just saying....
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    Jul 17, 2008 9:18 PM GMT
    If I really love him and he just 'settles' for me... I'll take it. icon_biggrin.gif

    I'll just mix one drop of aphrodisiac in his coffee everyday until he can't stop thinking of me day and night.

    And then I'll voodoo the crap outa him until he's MINE forever!!!! MWAHAHAHA!!!! icon_twisted.gif

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 17, 2008 10:43 PM GMT
    Hrm........

    I choose to believe that men use the word "settled" in place of being honest. What it actually means is that they are tired of having unrealistic expectations with thier counterpart. Which could be taken as, The man/woman they want, simply have the exact same expectations of them. How could that ever work out? It's almost like a really sick cycle. There is a saying, "love is work" and if that is true there is no utopian relationship. "Settled" is simply missused. Settling, to me, means being lazy......which means you probably aren't WORKING.

    Love is work. It's finding the imperfections in something, but being able to see the beauty in it. To often people have the attitude of picking someone apart instead of standing back and building them up.

    fuck im just ranting anyway....what do i know.
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    Jul 18, 2008 5:03 AM GMT
    I have settled before. He was great, but he just wasn't "the one" and I knew it the first week. I was really afraid of being alone and it ended up really hurting him. He had his own issues, ended up doing drugs, etc...but still. It's probably the biggest mistake I made. As a result, I absolutely refuse to do that to someone else and wont accept the same. It's exactly like lying...and unacceptable. I don't recommend it to anyone.