Family makes me feel like crap

  • Eric303

    Posts: 2

    Apr 22, 2012 5:47 AM GMT
    Hey everyone, so my family had always made me feel like crap but they do so more and more often nowadays. When I was little they used to pick on me about being stupid in school and stuff. Then once I got A's in all my classes they begin to move on to other things about me. I always feel like I am second best around them and can't really be myself. Lately they have been on my case a lot about being short. I'm 5'3". Like this weekend. We were going to my a wedding and in the car, they told me how people were saying im ugly because im too short and how it is my fault because I don't try to do anything to grow taller. Especially my mom. She always say "Ohhh you need to do this and that to grow taller, being short is ugly etc" as if she's giving me special advice or something. They then proceed to point out all the tall members in my family at the wedding. Feeling extremely self conscious as I was, I decided to stay in the back of the room...until they then come up to me and was like "why are you so gloomy all the time?" icon_neutral.gif I hate how they make it seem as tho being short is my fault and I hate the way it makes me feel inferior to others. What do I do?

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    Apr 22, 2012 11:03 AM GMT
    Eric303 saidHey everyone, so my family had always made me feel like crap but they do so more and more often nowadays. When I was little they used to pick on me about being stupid in school and stuff. Then once I got A's in all my classes they begin to move on to other things about me. I always feel like I am second best around them and can't really be myself. Lately they have been on my case a lot about being short. I'm 5'3". Like this weekend. We were going to my a wedding and in the car, they told me how people were saying im ugly because im too short and how it is my fault because I don't try to do anything to grow taller. Especially my mom. She always say "Ohhh you need to do this and that to grow taller, being short is ugly etc" as if she's giving me special advice or something. They then proceed to point out all the tall members in my family at the wedding. Feeling extremely self conscious as I was, I decided to stay in the back of the room...until they then come up to me and was like "why are you so gloomy all the time?" icon_neutral.gif I hate how they make it seem as tho being short is my fault and I hate the way it makes me feel inferior to others. What do I do?



    I went through this for 30+ years and I am only now pulling myself out of it. You are going to have to dig deep and find a little piece inside yourself that knows that you are worth more than all the things they say and hold on to that.

    I do understand. My mother frequently asks me what I plan on doing when I gain all my weight back and become fat again. Yet, at the same time, she thinks I should stop weight training and working out with a trainer.

    Try to learn to dismiss what they say. Look for the positive things inside yourself that you know you love and are good at and begin to nurture those. Be prepared - when they see you being successful, they may make nasty comments - because they are jealous. Take it as a compliment and keep at it. Secretly they are proud and that will ultimately be revealed in the end. Just do not back down or give up. You may not be able to change your height, so look for things where being shorter is an advantage.

    Best of luck!
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    Apr 22, 2012 11:23 AM GMT
    First of all, I am so terribly sorry that your family is saying these kind of things to you. Unfortunately, I'm sure you have started to doubt yourself and actually start to believe what it is they are saying. Especially if you hear it over and over again. It is probably terribly frustrating too because you keep hearing the same thing from the other party...."Love yourself"..."Don't listen to them!"...."Be who you are!" These are all great things, but, so hard to convince yourself of especially when your family (the same group of people who share a similar genetic makeup) bombards you with the complete opposite school of thought.

    Second. Take a deep breath. Do this multiple times daily. Tune in to your body throughout the entire day.

    Third. Acknowledge your strengths. You said you got straight A's in school when your family accused of you being dumb. Well, clearly, you aren't dumb. Embrace that. Not everyone is smart hahahaha! But be careful....don't drive yourself nuts in trying to prove yourself to your family...this will open up a whole new can of worms and frustration! BUT, you now know you are capable of achieving something your family thought you couldn't. Another strength that you have.....you speak up. Don't look at that as a sign of weakness. You are courageous for seeking some help here on this forum! And if it's REALLY bad, I advise that you seek help outside of the internet world!

    I wish I could convince you that you are wonderful the way you with the flip of a switch. Unfortunately, that is not how it happens. It's work...and a journey. Character means everything. But like I said....tune in to what you are capable of on a daily basis. You are NOT inferior to others for being short. If your family throws the question "Why are you so gloomy all the time" tell them exactly why! No guessing games. As crazy as this may sound...sometimes people say things and don't realize what is they are saying. Now, I don't know your family, but, they may not even realize what kind of affect it has on you! So say something and make it very clear that it hurts and you wish they would stop!

    Keep us updated!!!
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    Apr 22, 2012 11:34 AM GMT
    Just because people have the capacity to have children.. .does not make them good parents.

    Some parents love their children, and support them and raise them up. Others use their children to express their own insecurities and put them down to make themselves feel better. They don't do this purely negatively, they believe (as I think your parents do) that negative attention will get you to become the perfect child they want you to be. That will make them look good and address their own insecurities.

    There is a good book called the narcissistic family.. you should pick it up and read it. I think it will comfort you and offer you some tips on how to get out of that.

    You do need to get out of it.
  • josephmovie

    Posts: 533

    Apr 22, 2012 11:35 AM GMT
    You could just try saying:

    "Yeah, I'll do something about being short if you do something about your saggy neck (or whatever your Mom has that can't be changed).

    Then whenever they bring up the short thing just say "Okay then, now let's talk about your neck".

    Don't say it in a mean way, just keep your voice low and modulated. Make sure that every time one of your "flaws" is mentioned that one of hers is as well. Do this often enough and she will get the message.

    And if you live nearby then consider moving across the country.
  • CarbGoggles

    Posts: 705

    Apr 22, 2012 11:35 AM GMT
    OP, are you Asian? Cuz that's part of being Asian. You make your kids feel like garbage and if they don't snap and kill you, they'll prob end up being above average in life... Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is prob your life on paper. This is typical behavior of Asians. It's funny because what other cultures would be so hard on their kids. Blacks, whites, Latins... I don't see that type of treatment of their own kids. It's so interesting to me. My advice is find friends who treat you like a person and not a failure but STAY AWAY FROM DRUGS.
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    Apr 22, 2012 11:49 AM GMT
    You have two choices: tell them to stop or stop interacting with them, it's really that simple.
  • offshore

    Posts: 1294

    Apr 22, 2012 12:03 PM GMT
    OP, you need a big hug, and yeah, it's typical Asian parent badness.

    tumblr_l0l5xcLw4x1qakgigo1_500.jpg

    The sad thing is - they think being tough and dissing you like that is 'loving you'.

    No wonder so many Asians have the self image/ low self esteem issue.

    I hope you can leave home soon and be independent and tell them to fuck off.
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    Apr 22, 2012 12:20 PM GMT
    Get away from them. Run. At least limit contact as much as possible.

    Be busy next time a wedding or family get together comes up. Lie if you have to. Group meeting at school, work, etc.

    Ideally, you need to live in a different city and make your return visits no longer than a weekend once a year. Negative energy like this does nothing but drag you down.
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    Apr 22, 2012 12:22 PM GMT
    offshore saidOP, you need a big hug, and yeah, it's typical Asian parent badness.

    tumblr_l0l5xcLw4x1qakgigo1_500.jpg

    The sad thing is - they think being tough and dissing you like that is 'loving you'.

    No wonder so many Asians have the self image/ low self esteem issue.

    I hope you can leave home soon and be independent and tell them to fuck off.


    What if the son or daughter does the same to them? Would it be considered bad? I've always wanted to know this but never had the guts to ask my Asian friends.
  • offshore

    Posts: 1294

    Apr 22, 2012 12:23 PM GMT
    introjock said
    offshore saidOP, you need a big hug, and yeah, it's typical Asian parent badness.

    What if the son or daughter does the same to them? Would it be considered bad? I've always wanted to know this but never had the guts to ask my Asian friends.


    Elaborate pls? I didn't quite get what you were asking.
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    Apr 22, 2012 12:26 PM GMT
    I will use Josephmovie's example to explain what I mean:


    "You could just try saying:

    'Yeah, I'll do something about being short if you do something about your saggy neck' (or whatever your Mom has that can't be changed).

    Then whenever they bring up the short thing just say 'Okay then, now let's talk about your neck'.

    Don't say it in a mean way, just keep your voice low and modulated. Make sure that every time one of your "flaws" is mentioned that one of hers is as well. Do this often enough and she will get the message."
  • CarbGoggles

    Posts: 705

    Apr 22, 2012 12:29 PM GMT
    introjock said
    offshore saidOP, you need a big hug, and yeah, it's typical Asian parent badness.

    The sad thing is - they think being tough and dissing you like that is 'loving you'.

    No wonder so many Asians have the self image/ low self esteem issue.

    I hope you can leave home soon and be independent and tell them to fuck off.


    What if the son or daughter does the same to them? Would it be considered bad? I've always wanted to know this but never had the guts to ask my Asian friends.

    You can't be mean to your elders. That's part of the Asian indoctrination. You respect your elders, YOU WORTHLESS FAILURE!!!!
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    Apr 22, 2012 12:51 PM GMT
    I can totally relate to this. Everyone in my family was an abusive jerk.

    I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. You may not realize it yet, but you have been badly abused.

    Anyone who makes an issue of your height is an abusive idiot--especially someone who keeps yammering about it, browbeats you for it, and "blames" you for it.

    And they abuse you because they enjoy abusing you. I'm certain this is the case.

    Why am I so sure? Because they look for any excuse they can find to smack you down.

    You mentioned grades. They hassled you until you got straight A's. So they found something else. Now it's your height. And if by tomorrow morning you suddenly shot up to six feet tall, they would find some other reason to bitch at you. It will never stop.

    So accept the fact that your family is nothing more than a group of nasty bitches.

    Tell your idiot mother--and get this through your head, she IS an idiot--that height is basically a function of genetics. So if she's got a problem with your height, she can blame it on her worthless gene pool. Don't worry about being "disrespectful" to her. She deserves disrespect. She's treated you like crap.

    Start working out and lifting weights so you get buff. That alone will stop the comments. They'll be afraid to say anything because they'll know you can kick their ass. (Also, particularly because you're so young, the weight lifting, etc, could kickstart your growing process--it might help increase your height.)

    Get some counseling. These shitheads have wrecked your self-esteem. You need some input from somebody who's normal.

    Get some friends who are nice people and will counterbalance all the negativity brought on by your creepy family.

    And most of all: Do whatever it takes to get away from them. Go off to college. Find a roommate and get an apartment. But get away from these people before they destroy you.

    All this may sound harsh, but I've been there--so situations like this make my blood boil.

    Please don't let your abusive family wreck your life.

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    Apr 22, 2012 1:39 PM GMT
    adam228 saidJust because people have the capacity to have children.. .does not make them good parents.

    Some parents love their children, and support them and raise them up. Others use their children to express their own insecurities and put them down to make themselves feel better. They don't do this purely negatively, they believe (as I think your parents do) that negative attention will get you to become the perfect child they want you to be. That will make them look good and address their own insecurities.

    There is a good book called the narcissistic family.. you should pick it up and read it. I think it will comfort you and offer you some tips on how to get out of that.

    You do need to get out of it.


    Thank you for the book suggestion. It probably indirectly speaks to right-wing family values type who tyrannize society with their holier-than-thou stances.

    I moved from a blue state to a large red state. I am under-appreciated here. My family under-appreciates me. One family member is rude at times. I constantly work towards leaving this red state for a blue state.

    I thought I would be able to survive here by taking a 25% cut in salary and taking vacations to blue states. The thanklessness is so intense that I had my income cut by more than 50% of the blue state. This decimated my net worth and made mobility for living in other cities much more challenging than when I was richer in a blue state and decided to move to be near FAMILY and aging parents.

    I work at building my own clan. Meetup.com (where you take one of your interests and see who has monthly meetings on that topic), okcupid.com, manhunt.com, craigslist.org, realjock.com, visiting churches, making friends at the healthclub, attending a few community events haven't gotten me closer to my own family institution providing the support to replace my parents' family unit.

    So, one should be scared about trying to leave the bad conditions one is in. When I left them in my 20s, I did somewhat fine.

    You may not be able to make it in life without the shelter and company your family provides.

    From someone, me, who escaped to a better life but then came back home to my own detriment, I say, see what you can do on your own. When you think it's time to come back home to be a dutiful family member to aging parents and not letting a sibling take on all the hardship of aging parents, do not give up your better life 100%, your better life is your real home.
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    Apr 22, 2012 2:14 PM GMT
    Sorry you have this kind of family. I can relate somewhat. My mother was and is a poor mother. She gives me little or no credit for my accomplishments, and instead brags up my deadbeat brother to my face each and every chance we meet. This clown never finished school, never works, lives at home (at 50!) and is a mean, friendless, dateless, ass (truthfully). I on the other hand finished school, have had good jobs with good companies, several homes, a life, good partners, friends, etc. Does Mother Dear say ONE thing about anything I've done? No. She has to lie and brag up the other brother instead. So - I know kind of what you're going through. My solution? Stay away as much as possible and be respectful and kind - - - even though you don't feel like it.
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    Apr 22, 2012 2:17 PM GMT
    my father's side is 1/2 Indian and they did that shit to me too, soon as i was older i moved away... funny how they miss you till you visit then suddenly when you visit you're worthless again.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19138

    Apr 22, 2012 2:28 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidMy solution? Stay away as much as possible and be respectful and kind - - - even though you don't feel like it.



    ^^^^ THIS ^^^^ Family members should not get a pass for being shits just because they are relatives. Would you keep friends around you that constantly bring you down and make you feel bad? I see that you're only 18, so I know it's hard to break away because you're also probably still somewhat dependent on them. However, start planning how you can set some boundaries with your family and be assertive in your demand to be treated with love and respect, not demoralizing insults. Have you communicated to your family that their words to you are hurtful?

    Eric303 saidWe were going to my a wedding and in the car, they told me how people were saying im ugly because im too short and how it is my fault because I don't try to do anything to grow taller.


    Who says stuff like this to their kid? Your family sounds horrible and clueless, especially since your height and looks are directly related to genes you inherited from them. Is your mom tall and beautiful? If not, perhaps it's time you remind her of that next time she tells you your short and ugly. How dare she say such a thing to you...mostly because it is NOT true!!!
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    Apr 22, 2012 3:22 PM GMT
    All of this sounds so unbelievable, which is not to say I don't believe you. What is wrong with your ridiculous family?

    Unfortunately you can't choose your family any more than you can choose your height. Don't let their shitty superficial problems get in your head. It's a problem with them (really, almost a pathological neurosis) not you.

    By the way, short is not ugly. I like short guys.
  • CarbGoggles

    Posts: 705

    Apr 22, 2012 5:18 PM GMT
    http://disgrasian.com/dictionary/
    RAWRZMFG!!!! ROR ROR ROR ROR the Disgrasian dictionary is so fuggin' hilarious RORORORORORORORicon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif I am raughing chinysterically!!!!
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    Apr 22, 2012 5:25 PM GMT



    It the typical Asian parenting we love so much. I'd say don't let it get to you anymore. They're not going to change... You can tell them to stop but what good will that do you. I'd say use it against them... When they comment on your hieght tell them it's thier fault not yours... And so on! Start feeling better about yourself because no one else around you is trying too.
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    Apr 22, 2012 5:28 PM GMT
    Hmm... I know how you feel, Mr. OP~ I usually got a lot of implicit crap from my dad's side of the family due to my darker skin tone... Though I must say that I am grateful to have a mom who would never speak the words "You couldn't you have done [this]". She treated my and my siblings equally. Even today, I'm the only of my siblings who has gone to college and graduated and she will NEVER EVER look to them and ask "Why couldn't you have just gone to college like [so-and-so]."

    Nonetheless, I'll have to agree with whoever said get away from them. Some people can be around their family and live their entire lives in that circle. Other people who don't have such functional families just need to move their asses lol~
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    Apr 22, 2012 5:51 PM GMT
    Walk away and never look back.. its up to them to change, not you.
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    Apr 22, 2012 6:03 PM GMT
    I was picked on by my own flesh and blood when I was little, and still they do that to me sometime, but that only make me stronger. I pity them, Its pathetic their sons/daughters are nothing more than a bunch of lazy shit, unemployed, living off their parents. Im sorry you have to go through this. It's such a typical Asian thing that parents don't accept their kids for who they are. They always tell you to do this and that, comparing you to others, and its always your fault.
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    Apr 22, 2012 6:05 PM GMT
    TropicalMark saidWalk away and never look back.. its up to them to change, not you.


    Agreed.