Advice for dating someone older

  • acesguy20

    Posts: 11

    Apr 23, 2012 5:08 AM GMT
    First, im very new to dating a guy, this is my first gay relationship. Im 22 hes 47, but very built goes to the gym daily, looks 20 years younger than he is and weve been seeing each other about 5 months now. For the most part me and him get along fairly well, never really argue about anything except about maturity.

    After we met and started hanging out, we both were scared to start a relationship bc of the age diff, he wanted to settle down with someone and knew he could fall for me easily n the same was for me, and i encourged him that I was falling for him as well and I didnt care about the age, and we both were feeling that we loved eachother after 2 months which is crazy but cant help the way we felt, so we continued.

    Now, after we began hanging out of course we spoke about previous people we had dated and he had told me he and his ex bf had broke up 2 weeks before we met, and i learned that he and one of his best friends, who is 29 had a fling a couple years ago but it was clearly over. Recently, i discovered by his friend who hit me up on facebook that the fling was more than what my bf said it was, and I confronted him about it but instead of talking about it it was turned into me looking for trouble trying to find out info n we argued about my maturity. I thought we were gonna break up or take a break but the next day he seemed fine and things btw us were fine, he said he wasnt mad, but during the argument it went into that bc of me doing things to cause problems his feelings were not at the level as mine were, and i told him if thats true then im going to take a few steps back and the "i love yous" need to stop, but like i said the next day we hung out and i spent the night with him n everything seemed fine and when i left he told me he loved me and i made sure he meant it n he says he does, and since this incident he tells me he loves me daily and everything seems fine.

    BUT, i recently pulled a stupid move and went on his facebook where i had read that he messaged this guy where some "i miss you" and "you should come over and hang out" were said this was in Feb, and a message from n to his ex bf who he was seeing before we got together, pretty much explained why he left him and his habits but went into what they had was special and he still cares for him and checks up on him by looking at his facebook from time to time n he sent this the day i came over to go dinner for my bday n i also learned that the same week we started talking, they were saying they loved eachother so of course im taking back by all this bc everything he has told me has been not really a lie but a half truth to either cover up what was really going on or to make things look better to me so i wont get jealous or upset but i am one to be straight up and honest with, i want to know things up front.

    I know this is long, but I just have alot on my mind since this is my first relationship but i have really fallen to love this guy. I may have started some things not intentionally but to find things out for myself so I dont look stupid or end up heart broken. I know hes older, n hes been through alot and seen it all, but I just dont want to be the guy thats here for the moment and gets left for something better when it comes along. Like i have said before dispite the fallouts about trying to find out info and such things with us are great. I guess i just need advice on the situation or the relationship it self whether I should let it go and keep rolling with the relationship or is there really some things going on that Im not seeing. Any help would be great
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    Apr 23, 2012 7:22 AM GMT
    aceguys20 saidhe said he wasnt mad, but during the argument it went into that bc of me doing things to cause problems his feelings were not at the level as mine were,


    Him saying you're causing problems is essentially putting blame on you rather than clear up the situation. I think he could have done a better job.

    I personally have stopped dating guys in their 40s at this point in life. I used to think 'stability', but I don't have to date someone 20 years my age to find it. I'll be 25 this summer. My max is about 35 y/o and even that's pushing it a bit. My last relationship with a guy who was 44 ended HORRIBLY. And guys in their 40s that tend to be in relationships with guys in their early 20s are generally very immature brats not to be dealt with. 22 and 47 is well over 20 years difference. They do have low tolerances for BS and never EVER want to be made 'wrong' by someone 20+ years their junior.

    There is currently 1 guy in his 40s I still communicate with who I've dated on and off...he's about the 45-50 age, but I have stopped seeing him as serious relationship material. He's X's, he's seeing someone who is in prison but they agreed he can fuck around until he gets out...he has a low tolerance for drama but it's drama for me. When I stopped taking him seriously, I was able to not get frustrated about his dramas e.g. getting mad at me for petty shit, disappearing for days or weeks, etc. It's unlikely we'll start dating again, but we stil hangout as friends and occasionally we'll hook up again.

    ace said
    but I just have alot on my mind since this is my first relationship but i have really fallen to love this guy.


    Then I'd seriously suggest getting out (of the relationship). Try and experience someone a bit closer to your age range. Older men can take away a lot from you: your youth and sense of youthfulness. My last relationship with a guy in his 40s, we were at it for 4 months. It took so much away from my creativity being with him. He basically already been thru college, got a career, did the bar scene to death, quit drinking all together and basically just worked, came home, gardened, cooked and all the other stuff 40 year olds do. Yes, I liked his maturity and stability, but I also felt my youth was hanging by a thread being with him and got tired of hearing about all the things he'd done in life while not focusing enough on all the things I WANT to do in life. Stuff like that should be done WITH someone. It's not congruent to be with someone who's that far ahead of you in life. Generally, they are molded in their ways by that point. Meanwhile, he got to feel younger by hanging with me...

    I know it feels good right now, but you have to pull back. I don't think he loves you. I think he's enjoying the company of a younger guy and probably also 'thinks' he loves you...but guys in their 40s don't know what the fuck they want either.
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    Apr 23, 2012 12:50 PM GMT
    If you were 30 and he was 20 years older or so you'd probably both be more comfortable with each other and the age thing would not be an issue. Most guys want more in life when they are younger.... and as you age reality sets in. It may be guilt on his part as he feels he's stealing your youth. Who knows it may be just his way as a hunter or something. We all have an actual age; real age and mental age.... in that case everyone has to be taken on their own merit. If you guys were totally into each other, were bang on alike and even complimented each other, it may work.... but this doesn't look good.

    I tend to hang with guys younger then me.... mainly because i'm active. I don't feel my age or act it. But having sex or a relationship with a guy your age probably wouldn't work for me. They could be great friends though.

    That's another opinion.... hope it helps
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    Apr 23, 2012 1:25 PM GMT
    For a summer fling, or a freind with benefits.. sure..

    It takes a lot to be in a relationship with someone 20 years older than you, and still be with them 20+ years later.

    You'll still be experiencing life while your partner may not be so enthusiastic to learn with or to let you learn from your mistakes.. they've been there and done that..

    Often they've had 20 years to get set in their ways, often inflexible, which means that the good willed compromise on your behalf can evolve into resentment down the track. Don't expect age to equal maturity, stability or the qualities we'd expect in someone 20 years older... often its not the case.

    You need room to grow and to experience life, I don't think it's impossible with a man thats 20 odd years your senior, and with the right one could be amazing.

    There are however realities of the long-term future which you cannot escape - such as being in your prime when he's about ready to retire.

    You may not find someone your own age as attractive right now; but you will reach a point where you will see the same people in a different light as you get older..

    I've used the word often a whole lot here - I'm speaking from personal experience as well as that of freinds in similar circumstances to me.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Apr 23, 2012 1:27 PM GMT
    Hi OP, it sounds like your dilemma is less about older guys in general and more about the particular guy you're with. From what you mention in your post, your guy hasn't been straight-forward with you about the nature of his past relationships, and that is really the crux of your issues.

    But I will say this: older guys are more set in their ways and have already (hopefully) gotten alot of the late nights and partying out of their system. They like stability and have (again, hopefully!) careers and homes and other things on their agenda that a much younger partner will probably find boring or even constraining. If you were in your 30s it might be different, but you're still developing your sense of self at 22 and have your own journey ahead of you that is meant to shape your character and your mettle in how you deal with life's twists and turns.

    I am 47, and personally tend to gravitate toward guys who are mid 30s to 50s because they have some important life experiences under their belts and are in a similar "station" in their lives. I couldn't imagine trying to date a guy your age without feeling like I would be keeping him back from his own personal "journey" to become truly himself.

    My advice is to meditate on this and see what you really want out of life FOR YOURSELF as an INDIVIDUAL outside of a relationship. Then, consider these things: the fact that your guy has not leveled with you AND the fact that your insecurity in the relationship (caused probably by your inkling that things don't add up, as well as your still-developing but not complete maturity level) has led you to snoop into his private correspondence. These do not bode well for a loving, lasting relationship, but rather a toxic one based on blame, suspicion and dishonesy.
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    Apr 23, 2012 1:35 PM GMT
    Well put NC3...... excellent summary.
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    Apr 23, 2012 2:10 PM GMT
    I'll start off by saying that I disagree wholeheartedly with the guys that posted before me, indicating that the age gap is too large and you shouldn't be dating someone that much older than you at your age level. They speak from bad personal experience. I speak from good personal experience - I dated a guy 22 years my senior when I was your age, and it was my best relationship to date (we were together for the happiest 4.5 years of my life and would still be if I hadn't moved to America.

    That said, I think you already answered your own question in your post:
    acesguy20 saidRecently, i discovered by his friend who hit me up on facebook that the fling was more than what my bf said it was


    You discovered? You took the ex's words at face level. Never trust the words of an ex who may very well want to drive a wedge.

    acesguy20 saidhis feelings were not at the level as mine were, and i told him if thats true then im going to take a few steps back and the "i love yous" need to stop


    There you have it. He said how he feels, you tell him the consequence, and then you silently both ignore the conversation, because it's convenient.

    acesguy20 said...what they had was special and he still cares for him and checks up on him by looking at his facebook from time to time n he sent this the day i came over to go dinner for my bday


    Well, you'd be surprised to know that a lot of people love their exes deeply, but would never want to get back with them. My last FEW exes and I send each other gifts for our birthdays, and the cards always say, Love You XOXOXO. Doesn't mean I am going to show at their doorstep with roses and a light blue box!

    And the fact it was sent on your birthday... Sometime's it's just not about you. Did you really expect him to think, "Oh, wow, by new boyfriend may Facebook-stalk me and see my Wall posts, better not write anything about love to others on His birthday!!!"

    Don't be jealous: if the guy is guilty, you win nothing; if he is innocent, you'll tell him how your own mind functions.

    And please follow your own advice and slow things down. As the immortal Annie Lennox once said:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiYF7pUPuFs
  • acesguy20

    Posts: 11

    Apr 23, 2012 4:10 PM GMT
    Thanks MACHINE, all of that actually helps. Like i said as far as our relationship goes without the little drama that we have had, i feel like we are great together and we get along great. I may be 22 but I feel like my maturity level is pretty high for my age, ive always been more mature than my peers ever since middle school and its carried on with me ever since and I feel like I got all my partying and hooking up over with in college, which is why Im very content in the relationship, we go out on dates every weekend, out to eat and then will go shopping a bit, or go to a bar n grab drinks w friends, or even just come bk to his place and watch movies and hang out and Im completely fine with that, so I def dont feel like me dating him is draining my youth. He honestly lets me do what I please far as if I wanna go hang out w a group of friends one night, or something i just tell em what im doing and hes always okay with it just tells me to be good haha, cuz he knew from the begining thatI was bisexual and knows i still find women attractive,but knows I wouldnt cheat on him.I also beleive that he wouldnt cheat on me as well as in one of his past relationships that lasted almost 10 years, his ex had cheated on him for 5 of those years and Ive been through the same thing. Ive very recently other the past 2 weeks come out to telling a few close friends and my sister that I am dating him which has made it easier to date so I not lying so much on what im doing lol. Since the begining he did make it clear that we wanted to take it slow and I am still to this day okay with taking it slow, in alot of ways it has helped our relationship to go this slow, even tho we do express that we love eachother, and we ended up sleeping togther first couple weeks we met, yea i know way to take it slow haha but the physical attraction was deff there and as well as sexual attraction we couldnt help ourselves icon_smile.gif but were guys so go figure. Again, thanks Machine your words actually helped to better understand some things and better realize certain things going on, with your experience is actually similiar to mine. Im really hoping this relationship continues to go on its healthy path, despite the 2 fallouts, i know deep down i truly love him, and I can physically see how he acts and treats me that he truly does love me back with the little things he does, hopefully this will be one of those one of a kind relationships cuz god knows Ive been through it all and enough and so has he, so maybe this will be the one well see. Thanks guys for your input and advice
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    Apr 23, 2012 4:19 PM GMT
    @acesguy20

    I think this particular older guy is a player.

    Also I mean this in a nice way. It would be nice if you could write in paragraphs. I big wall of text isnt appealing to read. You are likely to get a lot of "TL;DR" responses. icon_smile.gif
  • acesguy20

    Posts: 11

    Apr 23, 2012 4:26 PM GMT
    Why would you think he is a player? Does anything indicate that he may be doing anything behind my back?
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    Apr 23, 2012 4:29 PM GMT
    acesguy20 saidThanks MACHINE, all of that actually helps. Like i said as far as our relationship goes without the little drama that we have had, i feel like we are great together and we get along great. I may be 22 but I feel like my maturity level is pretty high for my age, ive always been more mature than my peers ever since middle school and its carried on with me ever since and I feel like I got all my partying and hooking up over with in college, which is why Im very content in the relationship, we go out on dates every weekend, out to eat and then will go shopping a bit, or go to a bar n grab drinks w friends, or even just come bk to his place and watch movies and hang out and Im completely fine with that, so I def dont feel like me dating him is draining my youth. He honestly lets me do what I please far as if I wanna go hang out w a group of friends one night, or something i just tell em what im doing and hes always okay with it just tells me to be good haha, cuz he knew from the begining thatI was bisexual and knows i still find women attractive,but knows I wouldnt cheat on him.I also beleive that he wouldnt cheat on me as well as in one of his past relationships that lasted almost 10 years, his ex had cheated on him for 5 of those years and Ive been through the same thing. Ive very recently other the past 2 weeks come out to telling a few close friends and my sister that I am dating him which has made it easier to date so I not lying so much on what im doing lol. Since the begining he did make it clear that we wanted to take it slow and I am still to this day okay with taking it slow, in alot of ways it has helped our relationship to go this slow, even tho we do express that we love eachother, and we ended up sleeping togther first couple weeks we met, yea i know way to take it slow haha but the physical attraction was deff there and as well as sexual attraction we couldnt help ourselves icon_smile.gif but were guys so go figure. Again, thanks Machine your words actually helped to better understand some things and better realize certain things going on, with your experience is actually similiar to mine. Im really hoping this relationship continues to go on its healthy path, despite the 2 fallouts, i know deep down i truly love him, and I can physically see how he acts and treats me that he truly does love me back with the little things he does, hopefully this will be one of those one of a kind relationships cuz god knows Ive been through it all and enough and so has he, so maybe this will be the one well see. Thanks guys for your input and advice
    Remember that the older one is the more people in their lives still mean something regardless of the 'relationship' status. A few of my 'ex's' I still have feelings for but not as a 'lover/partner'. Thats why they are ex's. They ARE a part of my past, and they ARE what makes me who i am today. Any future 'partner' in my life must, and I repeat, MUST understand that I refuse to erase those people in my life that make them 'jealous' because its their issue, not mine. Trust is earned, not demanded and not instant.
    Build your relationship on HIM, not his past or those in it.
    Relationships (good ones) are built over time.. never 'instant' or a few months.
  • acesguy20

    Posts: 11

    Apr 23, 2012 4:36 PM GMT
    @Tropical Mark

    Your completely right, I understand that i know i let my insecruity get the best of me at times, and I guess its diff with me cuz i only speak to one of my ex's who is a girl but we dont speak about our feelings with each other, but I do know that he and his ex dont speak all the time or anything that one message was once in months since we started dating. From what his friends have told me, he pretty much left his ex to be with me, and that message was pretty much stating all his flaws to why my bf left him but he still cared about what happens to him n such.

    So again i understand, and from here on out Im just going to base everything on how things are persoanlly btw the 2 of us and just build forward on how we are together