Do you ever get it: Anxiety over going out to bars/clubs with a guy you like who is adorable and has a hot body?

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    Apr 23, 2012 6:34 AM GMT
    I say dating for a lack of better word. Technically we haven't even began dating as of yet.

    Anyhow, I met this guy couple weekends ago at one of the nightlife spots. We met almost by accident (in a stereotypically slutty place, a bar bathroom...but no we didn't go into a stall). After that, we hit it off for like the next hour and he came home with me (no sex). We texted throughout the week, and yesterday it was like a last minute thing where I texted him to send me a pic, then he calls me and asks where I'm out at. It was kinda early though, maybe 8 or 9pm. Anyhow, we meet at the place we originally met at, but then we leave to go to this dance club that's pretty popular here on Saturday night.

    The level of anxiety I was feeling being in the club with this guy was paralyzing as I described to my girl friend. It was so bad that I decided to grab my trio and head to another bar after like an hour. For one, I don't particularly like the kind of people at that club. #2, I had bad experiences meeting guys from there and taking guys I know there as well. They usually get so overwhelmed by the crowd/attention that they just get lost in the mix and are more interested in finding the next best thing. The guy acted as though he wasn't much interested in being with me that night which further increased it. Girls were coming up to him, guys were coming up to him. And regardless of what people may argue, he's White in a majority White state which makes him much easier to be approached than me. He was all over the place, but he was way passed being buzzed and wasn't like making out with anyone so I was just letting him have his fun and was hanging out with my friend while he chatted.

    So, after leaving we go to a different bar. It was a smaller crowd, but that didn't stop a couple who's been together for 8 years from trying to get him to hook up with them. I had to personally get in the mix and distract the couple, and let them know like..."LOOK. Him and I are hanging tonight". I didn't say that in a threatening way, but I essentially made conversation with them, about their trip to Florida, laughed with them...chatted their ear off, had them wanting to go home with me instead of him, and then pretty much told them bye enjoy your evening.

    In the end, I kept my anxiety in check nontheless. I didn't fuss or argue with him, and couple times told him: "Hey, if you want to stay here...you can. But I'm going to go someplace else." He stuck around throughout the night with me and my girl friend. It was hard because he was drunk and acting crazy and I know his decisions may be altered. We still ended up going home together...and the next morning he reaffirmed that he wanted to go out on a (sober) date this week. He was being a really sweet guy. So technically it'd be like our 1st date but 3rd time meeting up. Even better news: We haven't had sex yet so I'm not yesterday's news! (We just cuddle and make out, and 1st time I said no to sex and this time he said no to sex)

    I just can't believe how much anxiety I had most of the night. A lot of it though is learned experiences with bringing guys to the bars which is why I generally don't like to go there together until I know what the deal is between someone. Most gay bars are meat markets, especially in Denver. I notice guys don't talk to me when I'm alone. But whenever I had a date with me, they'd be trying to get up on my shit. Like get the fuck on up out of here! In fact, I had to tell that to a guy yesterday. He going to go try and sit down on the other side of the guy I'm with. I'm like asshole, never once have you said a word to me out in the bars. You see me with this guy and you trying to get close to me so you can get close to him. Go take a hike! Literally, hike your ass up on one of Colorado's 14ers or something and get the fuck up out my face.

    I've also played the bad guy role of going with guys to a bar and then ending up getting numbers/meeting another guy, etc.

  • sbwlguy

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    Apr 23, 2012 9:03 AM GMT
    I think I can understand where you're coming from. I'd rather go somewhere where I can have a decent 121 with a guy in the beginning than somewhere busy where there are too many distractions.
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    Apr 23, 2012 9:49 AM GMT
    If you're looking for ideas on where to have a sober date, how about bowling!? It's fun, plus you can have tag-alongs.

    (p.s. I hope you get the guy!)
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    Apr 23, 2012 1:48 PM GMT
    It doesn't get real until it get OUT of the clubs.

    Too much drama in the clubs.

    IMHO.
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    Apr 23, 2012 5:57 PM GMT
    sbwlguy saidI think I can understand where you're coming from. I'd rather go somewhere where I can have a decent 121 with a guy in the beginning than somewhere busy where there are too many distractions.


    I mean, it's a fact of life that attractive people are going to get hit on and he's going to want to talk to them. And then add to the fact he's wearing a sleeveless shirt? And even though we weren't 'on a date', the fact is I don't want to go to places that are going to push me further away from getting to that point.

    I'm glad he did mention meeting for non drinking activities next time, because after this past weekend, I want the next time we meet up to not be about sport drinking.

    GAMRican saidIt doesn't get real until it get OUT of the clubs.

    Too much drama in the clubs. IMHO.


    LOL, at first I couldn't understand what you were saying...but yes, until it leaves the club technically it isn't real.

    I have to say more power to all the guys out there that can take their dates to the club (or even a gay bar for that matter, with X's in the vicinity hence the name of Denver's X bar) especially dates they've only known for a short time. I know one guy, he takes every single guy he meets to a club. And every week he's there with a different guy. So apparently, non of them are lasting. Then again, he's a lowlife himself. Bumming me for rides while he's with another dude.
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    Apr 23, 2012 6:08 PM GMT
    Be confident in the fact that you're with a good looking dude because clearly it's your insecurities that are driving your anxiety. As a person who has had and still does have anxiety I can tell you that much of what you feel while anxious is not necessary and does nothing but hinder you.

    With that said- be confident. You're with a guy that you, and what you say the rest of Denver, will consider hot- be happy about it. Show him that you're worth his time, none of those other guys. If he sees confidence he will stay. If he sees you being anxiety driven and paraniod, then you will lose him.

    Also, revel in the fact that other people stare.

    While in WeHo, people constantly stare at me or my bf and we've learned to take it as a flattering thing- it's all about perspective icon_smile.gif

    Good luck
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    Apr 23, 2012 8:03 PM GMT
    running11 said
    While in WeHo, people constantly stare at me or my bf and we've learned to take it as a flattering thing- it's all about perspective icon_smile.gif
    Good luck


    Well, you guys are a bit different though because I would think you 2 are further along in the relationship. I remember when I was like 17, I'd go out to bars with my X who I was with for over a year. But, we didn't start going to bars until like several months and dozens of dates later and I turned 18. So at that time, I never felt the anxiety because he was just as protective over me and I was there to have fun but he was entertaining at the club so I certainly wasn't going to do anything shady.

    And with the current hunk, both times we've hung so far were at bars, hence my nervousness. When you've only met someone 2 times and met them in the most competitive environment known to man 2nd to a bathhouse, it's a challenge. When was on his way to meet me at the bar this past weekend, I told my friend what he looks like and she watched the door. She said, "there he go right there." I fucking freaked the fuck out. I was like should I go up to him, does he see me? Does he know where I'm at? I need another drink AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

    However, I was SO proud of myself though the next day. I mean, we went to 3 different bars all night and he didn't drift off and get lost like can happen sometimes (he wasn't in my sight the WHOLE time, but we'd venture off from each other occasionally). Then we went home, got up the next day...he made me breakfast (so sweet!) and then talked about meeting later in the week.

    However, I attribute a lot of it to my friend as well being there. Girls are good at keeping men together. It's amazing. I think he felt anxiety himself about being around me. But as the night went on, he started to get more comfortable.
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    Apr 23, 2012 8:40 PM GMT
    GAMRican saidIt doesn't get real until it get OUT of the clubs.

    Too much drama in the clubs.

    IMHO.
    I try and use the bars/clubs as a litmus test as in "how interested are you in me in face of all the temptation around you??"
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    Apr 23, 2012 9:17 PM GMT
    I got tired just reading what you said..

    I'd try not to put too much emphasis on the bars/club part. He just seems sociable. He's not your exclusive property icon_razz.gif

    Go on the date and enjoy yourself. And keep that jealous in check icon_razz.gif
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    Apr 24, 2012 12:19 AM GMT
    TellMeMoar said
    IMHO.I try and use the bars/clubs as a litmus test as in "how interested are you in me in face of all the temptation around you??"


    That seems like a good way to approach it. But...When you're dealing with people who are drunk and doing miscellaneous activities, common courtesy just goes out the window. They are like kids in a candy store.

    Or a better analogy I read the other day: the movie gremlins. Cute and cuddly creatures as long as you didn't feed them after midnight. NEVER feed them after midnight. We don't need THAT much temptation and the thing is doing it while you trying to get to know somebody, it's a distraction to what we both have to offer.

    The last guy I dated, for about a month: All we really did together is go to gay bars. 1 straight one. So in addition to the 'spark' not quite being there for me, the going out all the time eventually made me want to stay in 'friend' zone with him.

    adam228 saidI got tired just reading what you said..

    I'd try not to put too much emphasis on the bars/club part. He just seems sociable. He's not your exclusive property


    Yes, I am 100% aware he's not my exclusive property, which is why I didn't impose on him and couple times told him "I'm leaving, but you can stay here if you want" when I sensed he got so engrossed in chatting with other people pretty much leaving me for grabs. I couldn't deal with the anxiety I was facing being inside the club, so I decided to go to another bar. And he did too.