My Mom Suspects I'm Gay

  • manpit209

    Posts: 213

    Jul 18, 2008 6:11 AM GMT
    These past few days, my mom has been inquiring more about same-sex stuff and my opinions on it. I'm not sure why she's doing this all of a sudden but I noticed that some of the stuff in my room has been moved around. I have some porn DVDs under my bed and she may have come across it or something. The DVDs didn't look like they were tampered with but it's possible they were.

    So these past few days she's been asking me about this stuff. I believe she suspects something. What am I to do? I'm no where ready to come out to her or the rest of my family. Those of you who are Asian know how tight knit the family is. I really can't come out just yet.

    If you're in my shoes, what would you do? Thanks for any advice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 6:22 AM GMT
    If coming out right now will lead to so many family problems, then just don't bring it up yourself. If she outright asks though... My inclination is to tell her the truth, but I really don't know the full extent of what that would do in a family like your's.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 6:38 AM GMT
    if youre out to close friend ask them for advice since they'd likely know much better about your family situation than us.

    if youre not out to any close friends, consider it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 7:06 AM GMT
    Your Mom knows - come-out to her... She's doing all she knows to to ask - but probably doesn't know how to ask it...

    Yes - My In laws are Japanese and my Brother-in-law is gay and guess what - they love us for who we are. Go for it - you might be suprised...
  • puttputt

    Posts: 254

    Jul 18, 2008 7:44 AM GMT
    I know where you're coming from, my Asian family is really tight-knit too. If she's pushing it, though, I really don't think there's any way to avoid it. I mean... she's not asking about your sexuality, she's asking about your political opinions. Just give them to her and ask her what she thinks... that might be a safe way to figure out what her reaction might be if you were to come out.

    It's also helpful to have support within the family. I'm not out to my mom either, but totally out to my cousins (I'm an only child, so no siblings to tell). They're really supportive of it and promised to be there when I am ready to confront my mom about my sexuality. If you could get the same kind of support group, I think you'll be ok.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 8:03 AM GMT
    Your mum loves you much deeper than you know.
    Zx
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 8:27 AM GMT
    Stonewall her....let her be the one who cracks and tells you she knows.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 9:25 AM GMT
    Caslon5000 saidStonewall here....let her be the one who cracks and tells you she knows.

    You really crack you up! icon_lol.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 18, 2008 9:32 AM GMT
    You're just putting off the inevitable
    You're going to have to come out to her eventually right?
    So why the cloak and dagger stuff?
    and by lying about it you're only digging a deeper hole for yourself
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 12:00 PM GMT
    I got quasi-outed when one of my sister's found my erm... notebook with homoerotic drawings at around 12.

    My sister convinced her it was just a phase and I refused to talk about it. However as I'm already 22 and yet to have a girlfriend I'm pretty sure they already know...

    But I'm not ready. I'm really not too sure about anything since we never had a homosexual member of the family... ever. For now, I'm contented with it being the unspoken accusation in the house. Even my siblings have stopped asking if I have any girlfriends. icon_razz.gif

    You're 26, are you independent? I'd say go for it. That's all I'm really waiting for, financial independence, and then I'm gonna tell them.

    And yeah, take the advice here to come out to close friends/siblings. I only did that recently and it really did take a lot of the fear of coming out fully away. Now even if I was outed, I think I could take it. I don't have that crippling sense of fear I once felt when I was out to nobody.
  • cityguy39

    Posts: 967

    Jul 18, 2008 12:22 PM GMT
    Sorry your so on edge, but your mother knows. They know before we do. She will probablly end up asking if your gay point blank at some point. The real question is what will you say to her. My mom was the same way with me, when she asked me the big question, I told yes I was. It was uncomfortable but I felt like a huge weight was lifted off me after I told here.

    Good luck guy.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 1:55 PM GMT
    Your mom knows and loves you. She is letting you know that she will be there for you know matter what.
  • ShawnTX

    Posts: 2484

    Jul 18, 2008 2:05 PM GMT
    Parents know, sometimes even before you do. It seems obvious that she suspects it, but if you're not comfortable coming out to her at this point, don't come out to her. Let her approach you with it.

  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19136

    Jul 18, 2008 2:36 PM GMT
    [quote][cite]manpit209 said[/cite]These past few days, my mom has been inquiring more about same-sex stuff and my opinions on it. I'm not sure why she's doing this all of a sudden but I noticed that some of the stuff in my room has been moved around. I have some porn DVDs under my bed and she may have come across it or something. The DVDs didn't look like they were tampered with but it's possible they were.

    So these past few days she's been asking me about this stuff. I believe she suspects something. What am I to do? I'm no where ready to come out to her or the rest of my family. Those of you who are Asian know how tight knit the family is. I really can't come out just yet.

    If you're in my shoes, what would you do? Thanks for any advice.




    A good rule of thumb regarding parents inquiring minds would be..."If they have the courage to ask the question, they are prepared to hear the answer". Also, they say "Mom's always know", and I tend to think that is true.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 2:41 PM GMT
    manpit209 saidThose of you who are Asian know how tight knit the family is. I really can't come out just yet.
    If it is really as tight knit as you say then it should not be a problem. Moms are smarter than you think. Perhaps the problem is more in your head than others. If you are bold about it, other people won't be as much of a problem about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 2:42 PM GMT
    Im really not trying to be mean here but your mom was in your room moving stuff around?? Your profile says your 26! If you were still in high school or something I could understand but dam, when you gonna start living your own life?

    I know its hard but trust me...when you come out no matter what the outcome you will feel so releaved that you dont have to carry this around on your shoulders any more.

    I think its time you stood up to be your own man...have your own life and move out if you have to. I threatened to cut off everyone in my family when they were throwing their fits about me being gay and they came around...now my dad hugs my bf and tells him how much he loves him.

    Its time to come into your own, be your own person and not worry if mom is going through your things, jesh.
  • hagerstowncat...

    Posts: 122

    Jul 18, 2008 2:46 PM GMT
    well for me my father is a minister and trust me they know although they may refuse to believe it. When it finally came out in the open I will admit it was odd and edgy for a couple of years but we are all closer than ever now. Trust me regardless of how your mom reacts it better to be truthful and you will feel alot better about yourself
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 2:49 PM GMT
    If she know the truth, tell her genuinely about yourself .You must know , most mum love you more than you could know in your daily life.

    Before I went to university, my mum hide a letter in one of my books, writes whatever and however happend to you,we'll support you forever.

    I'm a Chinese boy , I know what family really mean to you,
    but don't forget one thing that please hurt their heart in any case.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 2:50 PM GMT
    quaddamn saidIm really not trying to be mean here but your mom was in your room moving stuff around?? Your profile says your 26! If you were still in high school or something I could understand but dam, when you gonna start living your own life?

    I know its hard but trust me...when you come out no matter what the outcome you will feel so releaved that you dont have to carry this around on your shoulders any more.

    I think its time you stood up to be your own man...have your own life and move out if you have to. I threatened to cut off everyone in my family when they were throwing their fits about me being gay and they came around...now my dad hugs my bf and tells him how much he loves him.

    Its time to come into your own, be your own person and not worry if mom is going through your things, jesh.


    Don't be surprised. Asians have a different way of doing things. We're more family-centered. LOL We generally leave home later. But yeah, manpit209, I think it's time you moved out too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 3:00 PM GMT
    You're never really ready to come out. Sadly, my mother died before I came out and I'll carry that guilt with me the rest of my life.

    My father is a very conservative, old-fashioned Vietnamese. So much so, that it bothers him that my brother is a stay-at-home dad while his doctor wife works and makes all the money.

    It was very hard for me to come out to him, but it didn't take him long to accept me and to accept my partner. We now spend our holidays together and I really wish my mother were still around to share in our lives.

    The main thing that I wanted my dad to know was that even though I'm gay, I'm very happy with my life, I'm not alone, and I have a promising future ahead of me.

    Coming out to him was painful and I almost cried. But, it was the best decision I ever made in my life.

    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 3:02 PM GMT
    whether u think ur mother knows or not, if you are not comfortable with coming out to her yet, then dont. so many people want you to live your life according to their timeline and needs, which may be good for them but not good for you. and i say this in regards to things other than admitting to your sexuality, such as where u should live, what u should study in school, what type of job u should have, how u should spend your money, what car you should drive, what movie you should go to, and so on and so on. that is what they need and want at that moment though, and simply their opinion, not what u may need and want.

    again if your not ready to come out then dont, at least on ur own like "mom im gay", offerng the information. let her fish so to speak because this is ur journey so only u can choose your time. HOWEVER, i will say that if she asks, then really i dont see the need to continue to lie. as many have said, moms know, and if she flat out asks you then as Curious Jock stated, she is ready for an answer. Use that opening as a ur way to tell her, and then sit down and have a talk with her about this "revelation" and what u need from her in regards to support and all.

    this is just my opinion so regardless of what you do, I wish u the best of luck bud.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 3:17 PM GMT
    OK if you feel like telling her then do it gently Bentley!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 3:18 PM GMT
    It may be time to get a place of your own. Your 26 man.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 4:07 PM GMT
    I came out when I was 17. Before then my parents built up 17 years worth of painful expectations of wife, grandkids, and the heterosexual life they have enjoyed. It was painful for them for me to come out, but I did, they got over it, and we have grown closer because of it.

    You are 26. With each day your parents expectations for wife, grandkids, and a hetero life grow. Coming out will only grow more painful for them the longer you delay. Your mom knows. She isn't going to kick you out of the house. So just come out to her privately. Chances are she speculates about your sexuality with other family members all the time.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Jul 18, 2008 4:20 PM GMT
    Mom says, "It's ok honey, come on...."