Friendless and Relationshipless - I need help!

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    Apr 25, 2012 8:03 AM GMT
    Alright... so I just don't know what to do or who to talk to right now. I don't know what my problems (and I have many) are!

    Right now I feel completely lonely and empty on the inside. I've never had a boyfriend; not even a fuck buddy since my high school senior year (2007; so for the last five years). I've tried online dating (and even hookups) - OkCupid, Adam4Adam, Match.com, Grindr, etc. No luck! I am usually most often ignored or only contacted by old creepy men (and I'm not being ageist; I've seen many attractive older men and am really attracted to men in their thirties and forties - but these men are just creeps).

    My only "relationship" was in high school with a guy in the closet, and who only wanted a hookup - nothing more. I became obsessed with him and wanted a relationship - but I wasn't good enough for him (my hair felt like pubic hair or hay, my hair wasn't styled the right way or didn't look good, I said the wrong things, I walked weird, I talked weird, I didn't dress good enough, I didn't shop at the right stores, I didn't know the right people, my parents were too strict so there was no point in having anything to do with me... so I was lucky that he paid any attention to me at all were things that he said to me). At the time, he was my only emotional support that I had because I didn't get along with stepfather or mother (another story), was new to town and school, etc (and before I moved here I was from the Bible belt; once I moved and told them I was gay none of my friends wanted to have anything to do with me). My last interaction with him was back in 2007... and I've never had a "relationship" since - no one shows interest in me.

    I reached a point where I decided to not worry about relationships (now) and just focus on getting friendships - friendships with anyone! And even there, I have no friends at all. I get along SUPER well at work (people talk to me, laugh with me, confide in me, etc), but nobody ever hangs out with me outside of work (yes, I've asked - and been told, "Uhmmm... not this week; I have exams... maybe some other time?" and there will never be another time - I just stopped asking since the rejection is too much to handle for me). At both places that I've worked (I worked for three and a half years in retail at the same place; and now I've worked six months at where I'm now), it's always been the same. I'm very popular at work, and even when I go into my old workplace everyone gathers around me and greets me and tells me how much they miss me... but that's it. No one calls me, texts me, Facebook chats, etc. They will respond if I initiate it, but nothing more. I've tried all the usual things such as joining clubs, going out alone and talking to people, volunteering, etc. I get along greatly with everyone - but I can't seem to get a friend.

    Which also leads to a problem that I have with my family. My immediate family ignores me. I never speak to stepfather unless he needs to tell me something (usually what to do) or I need to know something. My mother is the same way. In fact, I've walked in the house and walked right by and in front of her - and she'll call me because she needs me to do something and say, "Oh! I didn't know you came home!" Sometimes I'll be in the kitchen and living room; and they'll walk by without any greeting whatsoever (even after not seeing each other all day). When I spent a month living with my best friend, none of these people called me or texted me unless they wanted something (specifically my mother texted me because I didn't move the stuff out of my room and they were moving houses and my great grandmother was coming up to visit and so she wanted me there).

    My extended family is the same way. Father will not keep in touch with me, grandparents will not keep in touch with me, cousins will not keep in touch with me, etc. unless I am the one who initiates everything - and when I do they always guilt trip me about why I haven't called, I need to come around more often (I used to every week; but they never come to me so I've stopped).

    I've tried talking to my family about this... at first with hints (saying things like you know that the phone line goes both ways so you can call too, I would love it if you would call me as well, etc) and then even being direct (specifically telling people that I feel like the relationship is very one sided and that I initiate everything and would like it if they would keep in touch and initiate things as well)... and nothing ever changes at all. It all stays the same.

    I'm get very lonely and depressed. I'm also becoming very bitter and jaded toward life. I've gone to a therapist for over a year - and I have seen some improvement but have plateued (she also only does client-centered and Gestalt therapy and I feel like I need more directive therapy like cognitive-behavioral - but she's the only therapist that will work in my budget). I was seeing a psychiarist monthly and was on Celexa and Wellbutrin - this has helped me the most! Unfortunately, I stopped taking them and seeing her (it was too expensive and couldn't afford it) and my grades have suffered tremendously in college (I failed a class, passed a class with a D but the minimum I can get for my major in that class is a C so will have to repeat two classes now, and have a C in another class). I don't have health insurance and am on a very limited income. I've tried getting another job but no matter what it seems like I can't even get an interview; I've had three interviews in the last year and they've all just ended with that and never gone further. The two jobs I've had in my life were because I knew the hiring manager directly.

    I need help. Someone please help.
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    Apr 25, 2012 11:45 AM GMT
    Buddy, sorry to hear you are in such a dark place right now. But has it occurred to you that you may be idealising what friendships and relationships are? Friendships and relationships and straight A's in College will not necessarilly make you happy. I think you're basically trying to say that you are unhappy because you feel unloved or uncared for. You are saying that you give your all to others, and yet, they don't reciprocate.

    Your whole post just screams of self-esteem issuesicon_idea.gif. Maybe people pick that up and feel uncomfortable around you. I don't know you, and I don't want you to feel more down than you already are, but for the next few weeks, just decide to focus on yourself.

    Are you in shape? Do you feel fit, healthy and energetic every day? Do you eat right? Could changing your body/appearance make you feel better about yourself? I think this may be an issue here. Start exercising at least 3 times a week. Cut out junk food and sugary drinks. Within days your mood should improve dramaticallyicon_razz.gif. Check out the training routines on RJ and become active. Measure your progress. If you can see results, you will be more motivated.

    How do you spend your free time? Do you laze about watching TV or playing video games or just thinking too much:cryicon_confused.gif Force yourself to go take a walk in the park, or go for a run.

    Learn to focus on the good things you have in your life and be thankful for them. Why don't you take 15 minutes and write down 30 things that you are thankful for right now. You seem to be focussed on whatever goes wrong in your life, so all you see are "problems". So I challenge you to tell us: What is going right for you? Did you live through the night to see the sunshine this morning? Can you see, hear, touch, smell, walk and talk? Not everybody can. You're in college, for christ's sake. Where I come from most people can't afford to finish high school. Some of them finish 12 years of schooling under a tree or a sheet of plastic that passes as a school. Some learn to do maths in the sand, using their fingers as pens. Wake up!

    You want a friend? Be the best friend you can be.
    You want a relationship? Become that person you would like to spend the rest of your life with.

    Now get off your sexy ass and move that bodyicon_wink.gif





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    Apr 25, 2012 3:59 PM GMT
    Martin_MarosBuddy, sorry to hear you are in such a dark place right now. But has it occurred to you that you may be idealising what friendships and relationships are? Friendships and relationships and straight A's in College will not necessarilly make you happy. I think you're basically trying to say that you are unhappy because you feel unloved or uncared for. You are saying that you give your all to others, and yet, they don't reciprocate.


    First of all I want to thank you for your reply! I feel like you have a firm grasp of understanding of my issue, your post has made me feel more hopeful about the future, and it put a smile on my face right now! However, to answer your question: I know that I have idealized people and places throughout my life. I have had people tell me that I tend to overestimate how close my relationships are (that I think they are closer than they really are; that I get too involved too quickly). However, it hasn't ever occurred to me that I do the same with the concept of friendships and relationships. May I ask what friendships and relationships are to you?

    Martin_MarosYour whole post just screams of self-esteem issues. Maybe people pick that up and feel uncomfortable around you. I don't know you, and I don't want you to feel more down than you already are, but for the next few weeks, just decide to focus on yourself.


    I didn't realize that all of those problems seem to stem from self-esteem issues; I'm glad I posted on here and had you respond so that I can get an outsider's perspective. I don't know if people pick that up on me; I usually smile and am happy around others... I do however say things to test people's reactions to me: I might tell others that my stepfather was in prison, that my mother got alcohol poisoning when pregnant with me because she heard if she drank so much it would abort the baby, etc. I normally say this when smiling and laughing; it's not a sob story. Usually other people just ignore it or they laugh with me. What do you think of this? Do you know anyone that works in mental health that could comment on this? Anyone on RJ or in person?

    My self-esteem is pretty much nonexistant. I am not happy with anything about me; my education, my job, my physical appearance, my emotions, my voice, the shape of my face, my hair, my shortness, my family, where I live, my friendlessness, etc. etc. I rarely put myself out there for dating because I feel like there's so much wrong with me that I will embarrass the other person. I also don't see why anyone would want me. I feel like I'm a bad and/or worthless person for the most part. Where I work at (with educated people) I feel like I'm white trash, while with my family and where I live I feel like I'm better than them but also different and that I don't live in there world and stereotypes (lower socioeconomic, redneck/blue collar). How do you feel about this? I just want to know what's wrong with me...

    Thank you for your response though! I'm going to be sure to try all of your recommendations! I've recently started going to the gym (I had to stop for the past few weeks since I was overwhelmed with schoolwork) and have noticed that my mood has significantly improved overall... but I still do have these dark moods.

    Martin_MarosYou want a friend? Be the best friend you can be.
    You want a relationship? Become that person you would like to spend the rest of your life with.

    Now get off your sexy ass and move that body


    LOL! Thanks! This put a smile on my face!
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    Apr 25, 2012 4:13 PM GMT
    Sound like you were primed by your family in a negative way. Being ignored by those that raise you would be horrible and would probably leave scars you'd have to deal with for a long while.

    I guess I would start asking that simple question: why is your family ignoring you? Sometimes the answer is very rational and helps you understand the family dynamics. Maybe you look too much like your father for your mother and her new husband to deal? Maybe you were born or conceived as your parents' marriage was falling apart?

    Finding the reason helps in two ways: first, it shows you on an emotional level that it's not your fault; second, it allows you to focus on yourself, on the things you have taken on from your family, and on how to change to achieve what you want.

    Example: Until my late 20s, I would make friends very easily, but lose them just as easily. I had a hard time keeping friends for more than a year. I thought there was something wrong with me, something that took my friends a year to find out, and that when they did, they would get sick of me and dump me as a friend.

    I thought about it and realized something important: I grew up an Air Force brat, moving almost every year. When I was young, it was vital for me to make new friends quickly at the beginning of the school year, but I knew I would never see my friends again after the summer and the next move.

    I realized it was me who sabotaged all my friendships after a year, not some mysterious time bomb defect that people uncovered. Once I realized that, I knew I had to work harder on my friendships.

    Maybe something similar is happening to you. I suggest you expand your profile on any of the sites, include more information about yourself, and start messaging people you find interesting. A lot will not interact with you (because this is the Internet and people are asses), but some will, and you really only need a few friends in life to feel connected.
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    Apr 25, 2012 4:14 PM GMT
    stranger2011 said: I do however say things to test people's reactions to me: I might tell others that my stepfather was in prison, that my mother got alcohol poisoning when pregnant with me because she heard if she drank so much it would abort the baby, etc. I normally say this when smiling and laughing; it's not a sob story. Usually other people just ignore it or they laugh with me. What do you think of this? Do you know anyone that works in mental health that could comment on this? Anyone on RJ or in person?

    You are creeping people out. This creeps me out.

    I suspect you are sabotaging your own attempts at forging friendships, for some reason. You are right to be in therapy because you need more help than what anyone here is qualified to give. I'm glad you gave up the drugs. They usually mask the problem by giving you a false sense of well being.
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    Apr 25, 2012 4:54 PM GMT
    First thing's first: Get the hell out of Wilmington. Actually, get the hell out of Delaware. Trust me, I lived there for almost 22 years of my life and it was absolutely one of the worst places to be a gay man. Everytime i go back there to visit my family, I get so depressed, and that has nothing to do with being gay. it's just the mood there.

    That being said, you really need to do a complete self assessment on yourself to figure out what might be causing your social issues.

    The first question you need to ask yourself is this: Are you really the person that you want to be? "themachine" hit the nail on the head. you are a product of the environment in which you were raised. You may not realize it but the communication and interaction style of your family is likely reflected in how you interact with people. I'll give you an example. My Mom is a pretty reserved person who is very negative and complains constantly and she also didn't have many close friends. That's what I grew up with (divorced parents). That's all i knew. So for 30+ years, I was negative, complained all the time, had few close friends and had a very difficult time with strangers.

    Once I realized this, I did almost everything I could to be the opposite of that. I made sure that what I was conveying on the outside is how I wanted myself to be perceived by others. I smile more, I greet/acknowledge people (strangers) more, I decreased my complaining substantially, am more comfortable meeting new people, and have gained a nice circle of friends. You need to do something similar. Create a vision of the person who you want to be and engrain in your brain the personality traits of that person, and focus on the verbal and non-verbals of that person. Then focus on applying them to yourself.

    As far as the creepers you state you attract, again, if you want to change the people whom you attract, then you've got to change what they're attracted to. I am NOT trying to be offensive at all, but at 5'3" 185lbs, that might be a tough sell. Just trying to be frankly honest with you. Whip your butt into shape. Again, to attract the people that it sounds like you want to attract, you might need to lose about 50 lbs. To provide a personal example again, I was in the same boat. i never really looked at myself in the mirror closely enough to realize that I wasn't providing the product for others to buy. I'm 5'7" and I got up to 191 recently. I worked out alot and got alot of compliments on my "size" but I never got the "I'm interested" compliments. I've recently dropped down to about 176 and am noticing a difference in how people look at me and interact with me. MANY more people seem to be smiling at me. Actually, the other day, i was walking into the mall and this pretty cute guy was having a conversation with another guy. all of a sudden I hear the conversation stop as I'm walking by (there was no one else around) and I hear one guy say to the other, "Man, he is fiiine". I have never, ever had anyone say that about me before, so I looked around "innocently" to see who they were talking about. Lo and behold, there was no one else around and he was staring right at me. I was so shocked, I just kept walking and I kind of just giggled it off. if I had my wits about me, I would have stopped to acknowledge because the guy was really good looking. Anyway, the moral of the story is that you have to provide the package for others to want to buy.
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    Apr 25, 2012 5:06 PM GMT
    ECnAZ said
    Once I realized this, I did almost everything I could to be the opposite of that. I made sure that what I was conveying on the outside is how I wanted myself to be perceived by others. I smile more, I greet/acknowledge people (strangers) more, I decreased my complaining substantially, am more comfortable meeting new people, and have gained a nice circle of friends. You need to do something similar. Create a vision of the person who you want to be and engrain in your brain the personality traits of that person, and focus on the verbal and non-verbals of that person. Then focus on applying them to yourself.
    Excellent advice!!

    I've said this many times in various threads : "Likes attract likes"
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    Apr 25, 2012 5:15 PM GMT
    themachineSound like you were primed by your family in a negative way. Being ignored by those that raise you would be horrible and would probably leave scars you'd have to deal with for a long while.

    I guess I would start asking that simple question: why is your family ignoring you? Sometimes the answer is very rational and helps you understand the family dynamics. Maybe you look too much like your father for your mother and her new husband to deal? Maybe you were born or conceived as your parents' marriage was falling apart?


    I agree with you that finding out why my family is ignoring me could be very beneficial; but I wouldn't feel comfortable asking any of my family members that question directly. Do you have any suggestions/ideas?

    As for my family dynamics. My mother was raised by two severe alcoholics (who were verbally and emotionally abusive toward my mother; physically abusive with each other). My grandmother (who was also abused by her family; her family also has severe drug addiction, mental health, and crime problems - I don't have anything to do with this side of the family) had my mother when she was 13 years old and my grandfather was 17 years old. My mother got pregnant with me when she was 15, but had me when she was 16, so that she could get emancipated and move out of their house. She chose a stoner guy in high school that was shy and had no friends. She lived at my father's house for the first few months of my life; according to my paternal grandmother she didn't really have much to do with me and was always gone socializing and having fun. According to paternal grandmother, it was my father that did most of the taking care of (as well as her).

    When I was one years old, she and my father said they were going to take me out of state to go see my maternal grandmother... My paternal grandmother says that when my father came back, he came back without my mother and without me... she asked what was going on and he said that I won't be coming back anymore... and that's all he ever said. According to my father, when they were in the other state my mother started dating another guy and put them in a fight and my father lost so my mother chose the other guy. My mother convinced my father that he should sign over all his rights to me so that the other guy could adopt me; my father complied and the other guy adopted me. Since this happened when I was only a year old, I never knew my biological father until I was in the 7th grade (wasn't my choice either - forced by mother). According to my mother, she didn't want me to live with my biological father since he had no future and his family were all alcoholics and drug addicts so she moved out of state to maternal great grandmother so she could take care of me.

    My adoptive father and mother fought a lot; both verbally and physically. I remember the police coming to our house several times, my mother burning my adoptive father's clothes, and slightly even being molested by someone at this time (but this could be a false memory). I remember playing house one time with friends, and being the daddy and a girl being the mommy. When she wouldn't do something I wanted her to do; I slapped her and made her cry... I got in trouble for that, but I couldn't understand why I was in trouble - I thought I was doing what daddies are supposed to do (I later learned that I was imitating the behavior of my mother and adoptive father).

    I never knew my father until the 7th grade. I was always told from a very young age that my father didn't care about me and wanted nothing to do with me (told this by my maternal great-grandmother that raised me); I apparantly had several meetings with my paternal grandmother growing up - always in a public place like Wal-Mart and always introduced as a family friend (my maternal grandmother said that my mother wouldn't allow her to see me if she told me that we were related).

    My adoptive father would go on to die though and my mother would move back to the other state leaving me with my maternal great-grandmother and great-grandfather who would raise me until I was 15 years old. They were very strict; I could only spend a few hours away from the house at a time, never any sleepovers or spending the night, always had to be home before dark even if church activity or with adults, etc. There were also some not so great things: my great-grandmother would frequently play with my emotions (I remember if I did something that she didn't like that she would pretend to cry and say that I don't love her and that she's going to run away). I also remember not getting along with my brother; we always fought physically and always were getting in trouble for doing so (and even had to go to a therapist for this). I didn't know why I was wrong... I also went to a Christian school that would make me feel bad over living with my grandparents, not being raised by my mother, and not knowing my father. There was also the whole gay thing. I couldn't take it anymore and wanted to live in a gay friendlier place so I moved in with my mother.

    My mother always had these boyfriends and that was who she relied on for monetary support. I didn't find happiness when I lived with my mother. Instead I felt like a chaueffer, a maid, and in prison. I babysat my youngest brother from the time I got home from school 'till eight o' clock at night (he also had emotional problems and didn't like me since I was the "perfect" son according to him). I wasn't able to hang out with friends after school, participate in school activities, even get a job, etc. I couldn't go out on weekends because I would babysit again on Friday and Saturday night because my mother and her boyfriend would always be going out to the bars until 3 or 4 in the morning. If I put a protest I would get yelled at very badly and told that I would be grounded since I don't want to be a part of this family and contribute to it, or that I was being "god-damned selfish." My mother would also take away my cell phone, iPod, books, and laptop. My stepfather also didn't like me (even overheard him once tell my mother that he didn't want me here and that he can't be nice to me because he doesn't like me). My mother told me I just had to suck it up because he's the one that pays the bills and supports the family. I became involved with that one relationship that I've had at this time...

    After high school I decided to go to college (not a great academic career either - transcript is full of dropping classes and then taking them another semester... it took me four and half years to get an associates degree), and that was it... I decided to do the bare minimum to get by in life. I spent most of my days sleeping; even now I'd rather be asleep than awake because when I'm asleep I'm not conscious of what is going on.

    When I do have things going on in my life that are good or the way that I want them to go, I become scared (literally) and feel like I don't deserve it.

    themachineMaybe something similar is happening to you. I suggest you expand your profile on any of the sites, include more information about yourself, and start messaging people you find interesting. A lot will not interact with you (because this is the Internet and people are asses), but some will, and you really only need a few friends in life to feel connected.


    Thank you for sharing with me your experiences! I would like to know why my family is ignoring me; but like I said, I don't feel comfortable asking them... I think that almost all of my family members do associate me with negative emotions due to external events that occurred (see above). Do you have any recommendations for me?

    UndercoverMan
    I suspect you are sabotaging your own attempts at forging friendships, for some reason. You are right to be in therapy because you need more help than what anyone here i
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    Apr 25, 2012 5:38 PM GMT
    UndercoverManYou are creeping people out. This creeps me out.

    I suspect you are sabotaging your own attempts at forging friendships, for some reason. You are right to be in therapy because you need more help than what anyone here is qualified to give. I'm glad you gave up the drugs. They usually mask the problem by giving you a false sense of well being.


    My last post was cut short... I don't know why... but I never thought about things like that creeping people out... I always thought that was my sense of humor (being able to laugh with others) and that they thought this was funny as well.

    As for sabotaging my own attempts at forging friendships, it's very possible... though I don't know how it is that I'm doing it. Do you have any ideas? What you said about needing help more than what others on here is qualified to give really took me by surprise and hurt me (and then I felt angry)... but thank you for saying that as it's what I needed to hear because it's the truth!

    ECNAZFirst thing's first: Get the hell out of Wilmington. Actually, get the hell out of Delaware. Trust me, I lived there for almost 22 years of my life and it was absolutely one of the worst places to be a gay man. Everytime i go back there to visit my family, I get so depressed, and that has nothing to do with being gay. it's just the mood there.


    LMAO! icon_lol.gif I'm actually glad you said this because I dislike Delaware - period. It was my goal to move away to college - I really wanted to go to Temple University but wasn't able to afford to... my mother and whole family don't want me to move away and make me feel guilty about it (they use the whole - oh you want to abandon your family, what are you going to do without family, why do you want to move away, Delaware has everything that any other place has to offer - everyone else is moving to Delaware but you got to be different and be the one moving out, look at XX person - he/she moved away and ended up moving back). I did spend a summer with someone from high school in Philadelphia and absolutely loved it - I would love to move back in a heartbeat! Although, I'd love to live in Arizona like you too lol!

    ECNAZThe first question you need to ask yourself is this: Are you really the person that you want to be? "themachine" hit the nail on the head. you are a product of the environment in which you were raised. You may not realize it but the communication and interaction style of your family is likely reflected in how you interact with people. I'll give you an example. My Mom is a pretty reserved person who is very negative and complains constantly and she also didn't have many close friends. That's what I grew up with (divorced parents). That's all i knew. So for 30+ years, I was negative, complained all the time, had few close friends and had a very difficult time with strangers.

    Once I realized this, I did almost everything I could to be the opposite of that. I made sure that what I was conveying on the outside is how I wanted myself to be perceived by others. I smile more, I greet/acknowledge people (strangers) more, I decreased my complaining substantially, am more comfortable meeting new people, and have gained a nice circle of friends. You need to do something similar. Create a vision of the person who you want to be and engrain in your brain the personality traits of that person, and focus on the verbal and non-verbals of that person. Then focus on applying them to yourself.


    No! I'm definitely not the person that I want to be! I want to be more social and more friendly with more friends and people to go out with! I want to be able to go out on a Friday and Saturday night and party! I want to be much more in shape than I am in now! I want to dress trendier than I do now! I want to live in a different place than I do now! lol - definitely not who I want to be.

    Do you mind if I ask how you came to realize that you were doing the same thing in your relationships? And how did you go about being able to change your relationship and communication pattern when you had been doing this your whole life?

    ECNAZ I am NOT trying to be offensive at all, but at 5'3" 185lbs, that might be a tough sell. Just trying to be frankly honest with you. Whip your butt into shape. Again, to attract the people that it sounds like you want to attract, you might need to lose about 50 lbs.


    No offense taken - it's what I need to hear! You are spot on though! And congratulations on your fitness goals! Your story put a smile on my face and I hope to have that happen to me one day! May I ask how you got motivated to get in shape? What did you do to get in shape?
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    Apr 25, 2012 5:54 PM GMT
    stranger2011 said
    ECNAZFirst thing's first: Get the hell out of Wilmington. Actually, get the hell out of Delaware. Trust me, I lived there for almost 22 years of my life and it was absolutely one of the worst places to be a gay man. Everytime i go back there to visit my family, I get so depressed, and that has nothing to do with being gay. it's just the mood there.


    LMAO! icon_lol.gif I'm actually glad you said this because I dislike Delaware - period. It was my goal to move away to college - I really wanted to go to Temple University but wasn't able to afford to... my mother and whole family don't want me to move away and make me feel guilty about it. I did spend a summer with someone from high school in Philadelphia and absolutely loved it - I would love to move back in a heartbeat! Although, I'd love to live in Arizona like you too lol!

    ECNAZThe first question you need to ask yourself is this: Are you really the person that you want to be? "themachine" hit the nail on the head. you are a product of the environment in which you were raised. You may not realize it but the communication and interaction style of your family is likely reflected in how you interact with people. I'll give you an example. My Mom is a pretty reserved person who is very negative and complains constantly and she also didn't have many close friends. That's what I grew up with (divorced parents). That's all i knew. So for 30+ years, I was negative, complained all the time, had few close friends and had a very difficult time with strangers.

    Once I realized this, I did almost everything I could to be the opposite of that. I made sure that what I was conveying on the outside is how I wanted myself to be perceived by others. I smile more, I greet/acknowledge people (strangers) more, I decreased my complaining substantially, am more comfortable meeting new people, and have gained a nice circle of friends. You need to do something similar. Create a vision of the person who you want to be and engrain in your brain the personality traits of that person, and focus on the verbal and non-verbals of that person. Then focus on applying them to yourself.


    No! I'm definitely not the person that I want to be! I want to be more social and more friendly with more friends and people to go out with! I want to be able to go out on a Friday and Saturday night and party! I want to be much more in shape than I am in now! I want to dress trendier than I do now! I want to live in a different place than I do now! lol - definitely not who I want to be.

    Do you mind if I ask how you came to realize that you were doing the same thing in your relationships? And how did you go about being able to change your relationship and communication pattern when you had been doing this your whole life?

    ECNAZ I am NOT trying to be offensive at all, but at 5'3" 185lbs, that might be a tough sell. Just trying to be frankly honest with you. Whip your butt into shape. Again, to attract the people that it sounds like you want to attract, you might need to lose about 50 lbs.


    No offense taken - it's what I need to hear! You are spot on though! And congratulations on your fitness goals! Your story put a smile on my face and I hope to have that happen to me one day! May I ask how you got motivated to get in shape? What did you do to get in shape?


    I don't mean to badmouth Delaware, but it is just not an ideal place to live, especially for gays. Delaware may as well just be a suburb of Philadephia, if that makes sense. Sorry you couldn't go to Temple. My brother went there and he loved it there (met his wife there).

    As far as my communication style/approach, i just do alot of self assessment. Ive been doing that all my life. I never really assessed my communication style or what I was conveying on the outside. Finally, in my 30's, people started making comments to me like, "what are you complaining about now" or "I knew you'd have something smart or critical to say about XXX". And it made me stop and really think about where they were coming from. I realized that I wouldn't even want to be around me. Plus, I'm a firm believer that in alot of ways, what you don't like in others is what you don't like in yourself. One of the things I absolutely loathed in others was negativity, complaining and criticism. and it hit me like a hammer in the forehead - THAT'S ME!!!

    Regarding staying in shape, I motivated myself. I saw pictures of people whose physical shape i wanted, and just kept that vision and motivation. I've liked numerous fitness models who are friends or friends of friends (Matt Christianer, David Kimmerle, David Morin, Rob Riches, Alex Carneiro, Matt Mendrun, Jamie Eason, Greg Plitt, Amanda Silver, James Ellis, Steve Cook, Jesse Pavelka) who post daily motivational things, and diet and workout tips, and that helps keep me motivated!
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    Apr 26, 2012 2:53 AM GMT
    ECNAZI don't mean to badmouth Delaware, but it is just not an ideal place to live, especially for gays. Delaware may as well just be a suburb of Philadephia, if that makes sense. Sorry you couldn't go to Temple. My brother went there and he loved it there (met his wife there).

    As far as my communication style/approach, i just do alot of self assessment. Ive been doing that all my life. I never really assessed my communication style or what I was conveying on the outside. Finally, in my 30's, people started making comments to me like, "what are you complaining about now" or "I knew you'd have something smart or critical to say about XXX". And it made me stop and really think about where they were coming from. I realized that I wouldn't even want to be around me. Plus, I'm a firm believer that in alot of ways, what you don't like in others is what you don't like in yourself. One of the things I absolutely loathed in others was negativity, complaining and criticism. and it hit me like a hammer in the forehead - THAT'S ME!!!

    Regarding staying in shape, I motivated myself. I saw pictures of people whose physical shape i wanted, and just kept that vision and motivation. I've liked numerous fitness models who are friends or friends of friends (Matt Christianer, David Kimmerle, David Morin, Rob Riches, Alex Carneiro, Matt Mendrun, Jamie Eason, Greg Plitt, Amanda Silver, James Ellis, Steve Cook, Jesse Pavelka) who post daily motivational things, and diet and workout tips, and that helps keep me motivated!


    LOL! You can certainly badmouth Delaware! I like your example of listening to what others have told you. I haven't had direct comments, but I did overhear someone saying, "You know how he has to always cause a scene..." I also have a coworker that every time she sees me, she asks "What crisis is going on now!?" Perhaps I am a drama llama? I don't realize that I'm doing this if that's the case. I will start to monitor my behavior and think before I act when around others now (but I don't want to be too self-conscious at the same time).

    And seeing in others what you don't like about yourself is a psychological defense mechanism known as projection - when one attributes negative/bad thoughts that cause anxiety for that individual onto another person. An extreme example would be someone who works at a retail store and is always thinking about stealing, that person may project those feelings onto the customers and be hyper alert and accusatory for customers that they perceive as potentially stealing. It's also the same concept when someone has homosexual thoughts, but suppresses them and becomes anti-gay and would even read sexual innuendo into actions of gay men that aren't even there. So you're hating of negativity, complaining, and blaming in others was really your hating of the same qualities in yourself (which you said)!

    Thank you so much for your response and your advice! I like hearing how others have overcome their struggles as it makes me feel more hopeful about myself! I will certainly look into role models for myself!