OK I already know that my new thread to post ratio is 1:0. If that makes me selfish then good because I already know that. And please stop telling me to go back to my doc. I will not take meds while my mind is all over the place because I distrust them and don't believe in meds. Despite making positive changes to myself and my environment (or at least thinking I am) I'm fighting an uphill battle. I feel each day I keep digging my grave. I feel like I'm King in my own world but outside inferior to everybody else. I don't want to feel obligated to compete with society. I know for fact that this inferiority and jealousy complex is triggered by being gay. I have no problem with my homosexuality but I always seem to brood on the idea that gay life is a blown up competition. Gays have no place to be proud that they are gay. I loath anybody that hooks up and I avoid gay venues like the plague. And I make judgments on any male I look at, ranging from coveting to the most dark hateful prejudices. Everything, including this, is processed in my mind and justified, because I can fall back on the wild fantasy that I am not inferior but actually superior to everybody. Anyway the gay thing I can't explain much further simply because I can't describe it in words. And besides this I feel like I am losing my cleverness, knowledge, memory and in turn superiority. Just recently after I split away from my family I brooded for hours on end, fantasising I was antiChrist with a grand mission to detach myself from the world. And I look at other 20 yo people and teenagers and (I know its a huge generalisation) think 'I bet you're totally normal and have no clue that someone your age could be going through so much shit'. Sometimes I want to fall asleep and be transported away and wake up in a lunatic asylum where everybody else does the work for me. You will offend me if someone else posts an ignorant 'go to your doc' reply. Do you want to offend me?

More: Selfish as ever I think my main point is to ask for lifestyle advice ie anything 'real' and physical. Suggest I do something, anything.