Am I a stalker???

  • peagravel

    Posts: 2

    Apr 25, 2012 7:22 PM GMT
    We have been friends for over 10 years. I told him I'm gay a year ago (he's straight and only person who knows I'm gay). I am currently living with him (5 years now) sometimes I check him out when he is in his boxer or on occasional pop out that turns me on. I love him and he cares so much for me. I get jealous when he is on a date or doesn't return home, etc. I wait for him to come home, check his text to see who he texts or where he goes and who he hangs with. Sometimes I go into his room just because he smells so good. I never told him my feelings for him just that I see him as a brother (so I don't scare him).

    We do everything together. We cook for each other alway going out together. I feel like he would be the perfect man for me.

    Should I just move out and severe my ties with him? I have never been in a relationship and I'm 27.

    I feel like a stalker and the stuff I'm doing is crazy!!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 25, 2012 7:26 PM GMT
    I don't know if you're a stalker but you're certainly torturing yourself unnecessarily. A little day to day distance would probably be a good idea. Also focus on coming to terms with yourself and coming out so you can find new outlets for your emotions. Good luck,
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    Apr 25, 2012 7:28 PM GMT
    Solution: Roofies.
  • BmwKid92

    Posts: 1097

    Apr 25, 2012 7:53 PM GMT
    dont read his texts(thats weird).... other stuff is fine
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    Apr 25, 2012 9:50 PM GMT
    I'm not trying to offend you so please keep that in mind. I will however give you my honest take on your situation since you put it out here...

    I'm not sure I'd call you a stalker but, you have some traits. He sounds like a cool cat and you sound like a creep. You have no business reading his texts or goung in his room for his "smell". Just like you he is entitled to (and needs) private space.

    I think you need to find some friends that are like minded so you can live your life and he can live his witgout (unknowingly) being violated.

    Again, hate to sound like an ass but, I'd be really pissed if you did that to me.






    Oh shit, did I just fall into the troll zone? This is his first day & post...
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    Apr 25, 2012 9:52 PM GMT
    You, are indeed a stalker....what a freak
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    Apr 25, 2012 9:57 PM GMT
    Sounds to me like he knows full well what's going on and enjoys the attention and having some level of control over your emotions. That being said, he's straight so nothing will likely happen.

    The true issue here is that you need to get your own life. You need to get a gay social life so you can meet other gay people and potentially find a partner. Once you can focus on your own social life and partner, you will start to lose focus on your straight friend from a romantic perspective. Moving out (and severing ties) is akin to running away from your problem, and that is not the right solution.
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    Apr 25, 2012 10:15 PM GMT
    You have a really unhealthy infatuation with him, it's not good for you, at all. (have you watched Single White Female?)
    You are trying so substitute your friendship for a romantic relationship. He is never going to reciprocate your feelings or give you anything close to what you need/want, cook and live together all you want, it's not going to replace a real boyfriend.

    You don’t have to move out and sever all ties with him, but maybe you should consider coming out to more people and put yourself out on the dating scene.
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    Apr 25, 2012 10:16 PM GMT
    The-Roommate-movie-poster-(2011)-picture
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    Apr 25, 2012 10:17 PM GMT
    paulflexes saidSolution: Roofies.


    Me likes the way you think! icon_twisted.gif
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    Apr 25, 2012 10:19 PM GMT
    h0ck3y_david saidto the OP:
    you should start wearing his clothes.. that way you can be close to him ALL THE TIME.. have you tried following him on his "dates" to see where he goes and who he hooks up with? in dim bar light, wearing his clothes, some random club tail might mistake you for him and when she discovers that youre a homo and thinks its him.. he gets a reputation as a queerosexual on the dl and then you can date him.. maybe..

    just a thought...

    ~ cheers... icon_twisted.gif


    dude, you scare me..haha!!
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    Apr 25, 2012 10:36 PM GMT
    Dude, you are a stalker. You are spying on him and invading his privacy. His room is off limits unless he said you could go in when he is gone. Viewing his texts on his phone.

    May not be breaking any laws, but getting close.

    Like another poster said, you scare me.
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    Apr 25, 2012 11:05 PM GMT
    ngl that's creepy. It's like borderline crazy obsession.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Apr 25, 2012 11:18 PM GMT
    peagravel saidI get jealous when he is on a date or doesn't return home, etc. I wait for him to come home, check his text to see who he texts or where he goes and who he hangs with. Sometimes I go into his room just because he smells so good. I never told him my feelings for him just that I see him as a brother (so I don't scare him).

    Should I just move out and severe my ties with him? I have never been in a relationship and I'm 27.

    I feel like a stalker and the stuff I'm doing is crazy!!!


    that top bit is part of being a stalker. stop that now. ask him for some help in finding a boyfriend. yes you should think about moving out. if you are feeling unnerved by your behaviour that's a big sign.
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    Apr 26, 2012 12:01 AM GMT
    You've grown too close to him to the point you have created a false relationship in your mind. The best thing for you to do is to stop seeing him in a "relationship" type mindset and go out and meet some gay men.
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    Apr 26, 2012 12:10 AM GMT
    h0ck3y_david saidto the OP:
    you should start wearing his clothes.. that way you can be close to him ALL THE TIME.. have you tried following him on his "dates" to see where he goes and who he hooks up with? in dim bar light, wearing his clothes, some random club tail might mistake you for him and when she discovers that youre a homo and thinks its him.. he gets a reputation as a queerosexual on the dl and then you can date him.. maybe..

    just a thought...

    ~ cheers... icon_twisted.gif

    This was my reaction to your post:
    tw-simp09.jpg

    tw-simp10.jpg

    tw-simp11.jpg

    tw-simp12.jpg
  • pcsean28

    Posts: 161

    Apr 26, 2012 12:16 AM GMT
    Having been in a similar situation (though not to the reading texts or smelling his clothes level, and I was only 20 and not out) the only real solution is to go cold turkey. Move out and cease contact for awhile. The sooner, the better or you'll ruin the relationship forever when he catches you violating his privacy.

    If it's anything like my situation he probably knows what's up and he will totally understand. Just say that you have some things you need to work out and you need some space for a few months. You should get some good gay friends and develop healthy relationships, both romantic and platonic, with gay men. Then you'll realize that you were just a little out of touch with reality pining after a straight guy. And really this is no different from any situation where you're into someone who's not into you back.

    But like I said. The sooner the better! Then when you've gotten back in touch with reality your friendship will be better than ever.
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    Apr 26, 2012 12:21 AM GMT
    Your behavior is not healthy and you know this. That's a good sign in my book. But I think the guys earlier who suggested it's time to move out and develop a life independent of this guy (at least for a good little while) are right on the money.

    Good luck to you, man.
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    Apr 26, 2012 12:31 AM GMT
    Well, since he's the only person you're 'out' to it's natural that you're pulled towards him, since he's the only person you feel you can be your true self around. Perhaps try coming out to other people you feel comfortable around.

    By smothering yourself with him you will only make it worse. Why not try distancing yourself a bit. At the very least try finding a way to distract yourself, books, media and the internet are great for that. The latter especially if you're looking for an accepting environment.

    Also, reading his texts is a clear invasion of his privacy which is something you have absolutely no right to do. It's a violation of his trust to you something which, if you truly cared for him, you wouldn't do.
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    Apr 26, 2012 5:38 AM GMT
    No that's perfectly normal, is called loooove <3
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    Apr 26, 2012 6:21 AM GMT
    you're not a stalker... you are, however, obsessing over him and invading his privacy. You have let it become unhealthy and you've recognized that it is. So, in my opinion, you're not crazy either. Crazy would be doing these things and thinking it's perfectly fine...
    Time for you to create some distance - but you don't have to cut him out of your life cold turkey. Baby steps...
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    Apr 26, 2012 6:29 AM GMT
    most of the stuff you are doing, even if you were dating him, would be considered crazy by me. now, go talk to a professional about resolving your feelings without doing it cold turkey. its my opinion that it took you a while to become this obsessed so its going to take you a bit to break some of your habits. moving away certainly wont do it. also, why are you going to hurt someone you care about it? that's just crazy in and of itself.

    anyway, im a big proponent of keeping a healthy crush. maybe you can find a new passion or a new hobby to replace all that time you spend obsessing about him. maybe channel it into something that does good for people and makes you feel good about yourself instead of horrible that you cant have what you want? hmmmm? sound good? icon_eek.gif
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    Apr 26, 2012 6:46 AM GMT
    daviddoublebay saidPrepare to move out and on with your own life.... BUT...

    ... personally, I think that you should either talk to him or write him a letter, first to tell him why you're moving.

    You could say that you're great friends, you treasure everything you've done together, hanging out, sharing your lives, being buds... but that you think you should move out because you need to build all those very same things with someone .... but with the added facet of a love relationship, too.

    You could go on to say that you're not abandoning him... that you love him as a friend and always will. Say that you understand and accept that he's straight and you're happy with your relationship that way... but that you're looking for someone with all those same qualities that can be with you in a relationship... and that you understand that he's just not looking for the same thing...and that you're fine and accept that.

    Ask him to be happy for you in your search and to know that you hope to find someone like him to build a life with.

    THIS IS ALL LEADING UP.... to him facing that he's going to lose you and for him to decide whether or not he actually WANTS YOU and to tell you so before you leave. You know... he may actually love you, too, k?! But has not yet been willing to risk going down that road since he effectively still has you.

    This puts it in perspective that you're going to leave if he doesn't man up and tell you how he feels.

    IF he doesn't open up a conversation with you about *more*, meaning the two of you together, well... at least you then know for sure and can get on with your life rather than staying with someone you will never have.

    Hope this makes sense ... and maybe provides you with another OPTION.

    x



    they are not in that kind of relationship so a letter would be unwarranted. the guy is straight! this is about the op facing his own emotions and learning to mature and become better at understanding himself! putting a person into a corner and handing out ultimatums rarely work! you can't expect a person to make such a drastic move on a whim! life isnt some fantastical movie and it shouldnt be treated as such.

    if he ends up telling him hes leaving, a straight guy will most likely cut his losses. its like a gay guy having a best friend who is a girl and having the girl leave because shes in love... what would you do? become straight for her? stfu! go live in fantasy land and stop trying to make this kid join you in the world of make believe!
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    Apr 26, 2012 7:08 AM GMT
    daviddoublebay said
    peagravel saidWe have been friends for over 10 years. I am currently living with him (5 years now) I love him and he cares so much for me.
    We do everything together. We cook for each other alway going out together. I feel like he would be the perfect man for me.



    My comment was based on a few things in the post above.

    Yes, it may be fantasy on his part, BUT... there is DEFINITELY something there that he just shouldn't walk away from completely and sever ties without letting it first be known WHY he's doing it.

    It's not an ultimatum... it's a chance.


    thats cute but why encourage someone to severe ties altogether? shouldnt he learn to solve and overcome problems? if he learns to sever ties in this instance, he will probably do it again if he comes across the same problem. so, why not help the kid grow a pair of balls and learn to deal with emotions without having to involve an innocent bystander?
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    Apr 26, 2012 7:31 AM GMT
    On the path you are on, there is no way this can have a good ending. Someday, he'll find out about the phone, room, in-love thing and freak out like there's no tomorrow and the friendship will be over (or seriously damaged).

    This is kind of a strange, unhealthy, co-dependent relationship - without sex and with lopsided affection. Kinda like a few marriages I know. ;)

    Jokes aside...

    I think you have to move on and I think the first step is moving out. It doesn't mean ending the friendship. But it does mean changing your situation. Clearly, you need separation from this fellow and you need to branch out, meet new people, date, and let the obsession go. Too often, we see our relationships as finite, designed or pre-packaged when in reality, they are organic - they grow, change shape, sometimes die and sometimes are revived. Things change and that's a constant. You'll adapt.

    Now get packin'.