Apr 26, 2012 11:16 PM GMT
Hi Everyone
I have been lurking here for a little while now and the time has come where I need the advice of people who might be familiar with my situation.
17 months ago I met a wonderful man. We met through grindr some months before that, after which we quickly moved to Skype. Nothing dirty, we just talked about everything. Our hobbies, our work, our lives and our families. At the time I was living with my siblings and he was sharing a house with his "ex" (it is complicated - they were together for 15 years and then, according to this guy, grew apart but didn't separate because of the investment in the home and a shared business).
Anyway, for over a year we dated. We saw each other almost every second night of the week (we didn't sleep together until we had been dating 3 months - I am a bit of a prude about that and wanted to make sure he was serious first). It was a wonderul year - he was romantic, talked to me, spent time doing things with me and basically acted like he was in love with me. I fell head over heals. We took a holiday to Europe in February and it was wonderful - we were totally in love.
When we got back he needed to move out of his place so we decided we would find somewhere together. We argued about where to live and what our requirements would be but eventually found somewhere that suited us both. At first it was OK - we had lots of unpacking to do and were fairly stressed. But the first trouble came after a few weeks where he confronted me and said he couldn't sleep in my bed because I snore terribly (for medical reasons which can't be permanently fixed unfortunately) and my mattress was too hard and gave him a sore back. I can't sleep in his bed because his mattress is too soft and I get a bad back. So we moved into separate rooms but the relationship seemed to survive.
Gradually, over the last few months, he has grown increasingly withdrawn. He hardly speaks to me, he hardly touches me except for sex. He declines every invitation I make to involve him in social activities and he goes to see his (only) two friends without me and doesn't even invite me. I admit that I have begun drinking more at home as a "coping mechanism" but he got angry with me about me being drunk so I stopped drinking at all during the week at home. To make matters worse he hung a portrait of his "ex" in our living room on the excuse that it was "in the way" and "not permanent", however despite a few soft requests from me he hasn't removed it.
I should say that I am 32 and he is 40. He is currently involved in legal proceedings separating from his ex which are complicated because of their business and investment assets.
3 days ago he didn't speak to me for a whole day and the next morning I asked him if something was wrong. He said there was something wrong but that "it wasn't the time or place for that discussion". I pressed him to tell me what was on his mind and he said "he didn't want to have that discussion and would have it when he had considered his options and what he needed to do". I couldn't cope with the guilt and self-blame. Not knowing what I have done, or what I may have done to make him upset kills me. I love him so much and can't reach out to him. I rang my sister in tears and she told me to get out and come back to stay with her until he contacted me and was ready to talk.
It's been 2 days now and I have received nothing from him. I am angry that he has made be hate myself and blame myself for being the reason he is upset without me knowing what to blame myself for. I am miserable because I love him so much and it is my instinct to call him and apologise for everything even if I don't know what I am apologising for. I am frightened because I am on the verge of losing the man I love and I don't know if he loves me enough to reach out to me and have an honest conversation about how to fix our relationship...which I think is worth fixing and keeping because it was wonderful...at one point.
I don't know what to do - this is only my second relationship and I have only ever lived with family before. I would appreciate people's thoughts from an independent view.
Thanks for reading.....
I have been lurking here for a little while now and the time has come where I need the advice of people who might be familiar with my situation.
17 months ago I met a wonderful man. We met through grindr some months before that, after which we quickly moved to Skype. Nothing dirty, we just talked about everything. Our hobbies, our work, our lives and our families. At the time I was living with my siblings and he was sharing a house with his "ex" (it is complicated - they were together for 15 years and then, according to this guy, grew apart but didn't separate because of the investment in the home and a shared business).
Anyway, for over a year we dated. We saw each other almost every second night of the week (we didn't sleep together until we had been dating 3 months - I am a bit of a prude about that and wanted to make sure he was serious first). It was a wonderul year - he was romantic, talked to me, spent time doing things with me and basically acted like he was in love with me. I fell head over heals. We took a holiday to Europe in February and it was wonderful - we were totally in love.
When we got back he needed to move out of his place so we decided we would find somewhere together. We argued about where to live and what our requirements would be but eventually found somewhere that suited us both. At first it was OK - we had lots of unpacking to do and were fairly stressed. But the first trouble came after a few weeks where he confronted me and said he couldn't sleep in my bed because I snore terribly (for medical reasons which can't be permanently fixed unfortunately) and my mattress was too hard and gave him a sore back. I can't sleep in his bed because his mattress is too soft and I get a bad back. So we moved into separate rooms but the relationship seemed to survive.
Gradually, over the last few months, he has grown increasingly withdrawn. He hardly speaks to me, he hardly touches me except for sex. He declines every invitation I make to involve him in social activities and he goes to see his (only) two friends without me and doesn't even invite me. I admit that I have begun drinking more at home as a "coping mechanism" but he got angry with me about me being drunk so I stopped drinking at all during the week at home. To make matters worse he hung a portrait of his "ex" in our living room on the excuse that it was "in the way" and "not permanent", however despite a few soft requests from me he hasn't removed it.
I should say that I am 32 and he is 40. He is currently involved in legal proceedings separating from his ex which are complicated because of their business and investment assets.
3 days ago he didn't speak to me for a whole day and the next morning I asked him if something was wrong. He said there was something wrong but that "it wasn't the time or place for that discussion". I pressed him to tell me what was on his mind and he said "he didn't want to have that discussion and would have it when he had considered his options and what he needed to do". I couldn't cope with the guilt and self-blame. Not knowing what I have done, or what I may have done to make him upset kills me. I love him so much and can't reach out to him. I rang my sister in tears and she told me to get out and come back to stay with her until he contacted me and was ready to talk.
It's been 2 days now and I have received nothing from him. I am angry that he has made be hate myself and blame myself for being the reason he is upset without me knowing what to blame myself for. I am miserable because I love him so much and it is my instinct to call him and apologise for everything even if I don't know what I am apologising for. I am frightened because I am on the verge of losing the man I love and I don't know if he loves me enough to reach out to me and have an honest conversation about how to fix our relationship...which I think is worth fixing and keeping because it was wonderful...at one point.
I don't know what to do - this is only my second relationship and I have only ever lived with family before. I would appreciate people's thoughts from an independent view.
Thanks for reading.....
