SOS! NEED HELP!

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 27, 2012 9:50 AM GMT
    I have found this amazing super hot guy that I really really like on Manhunt and I've seen him a couple of times at http://www.hothouse.co.za/. (Steam rooms).

    Now one of the dilemmas I face is I have mild Aspergers so I find it incredibly difficult to tell a person my true feelings and I'm very awkward around guys, especially if I like him.

    So I want to message this guy but I have NO clue what to say. Please help me. But don't post bullshit comments, I am serious about this. I want to meet with him, maybe go on a date/casual meet.

    For example, can I write: 'Hey, I have seen you a couple of times at the Sauna's and I think you are really good looking', you wanna grab a coffee/beer sometime?'

    I'd like to get to know him.



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    Apr 27, 2012 11:50 AM GMT
    I would leave the sauna thing out so he doesn't automatically thinks about being nude with you when he reads your message. Beside that I think that's a very nice message for a first contact.
    Good luck icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 28, 2012 3:46 AM GMT
    Justtrying saidI would leave the sauna thing out so he doesn't automatically thinks about being nude with you when he reads your message. Beside that I think that's a very nice message for a first contact.
    Good luck icon_smile.gif



    Thanks man. I'm also thinking off launching a charm offensive icon_question.gificon_exclaim.gif to woe him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2012 9:29 AM GMT
    Depends on your definition of "offensive". Too much tends to creep people out
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    Apr 28, 2012 9:32 AM GMT
    I can't believe this !
    U are grown up & don't know how to communicate ?
    lol go to nursery !icon_razz.gif
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    Apr 28, 2012 9:45 AM GMT
    Sam_u_el saidI can't believe this !
    U are grown up & don't know how to communicate ?
    lol go to nursery !icon_razz.gif


    He has already said he has mild Aspergers. Perhaps you need to go to nursery to improve your basic comprehension.
  • mindblank

    Posts: 275

    Apr 28, 2012 10:48 AM GMT
    I'm a bit like that so I might not give useful information.

    Coming on here asking for guys to suggest what you can say, it might help in the beginning, but if you can't keep up a certain persona (and you can't keep asking for help with what to say) then he won't know the real you.

    So my advice is to embrace your own ways and just go with it - because what God gave you can't be wrong icon_smile.gif

    But if you do want a tip on "seducing" him your first task is to get to know him. You could try the following:

    1. Make eye contact the next time you see him. (Forget about smiling - eyecontact is all you need). This will get him to notice you. Don't say anything at first.

    2. You can play eye flirting for a while, and after having seen him a few times you could go near him (and you do not need to smile - don't worry about smiling at all as you're expected to be nervous like most people doing this). Sit or stand next to him. And say something friendly - eg - an open-ended question. Open-ended questions give the other person a chance to speak more. Examples of these could be: "What do you think of this place?"; "Have you heard about x in the news/sports?"; even just "Hey how's it going?". ***Tip*** Standing or sitting side-by-side is far better than standing or sitting face-to-face. The other person feels that you are more "with" them (on their side, with their interests at heart) when you're sideways to them. Sideways at a slight angle sounds good. Face to face is a more aggressive stance. (oh, I learned that from a book).

    From there you can talk a bit more. Only smile if it's natural to you. But it's reassuring to see a smile from the person you're talking to, so if it comes to you, let it show. Finally, if he has shown interest in you and you feel worried about being perceived badly, then after some time talking you could let him know you've mild aspergers and think literally. Then he'll realise and cut you any slack for misunderstandings. But don't labour the fact on and on - just explain quickly and move on to another subject. Like being gay, it's only a single aspect of you. Also don't introduce yourself as having Aspergers in your opening line, spend some time talking generally and then if you think it's appropriate (to come out as Aspergic) to the conversation bring it up.

    3. Give him some time to decide if he likes you or not, don't come on too strong, and you will obtain one of two results. He will be interested or not. If he is not interested let him go. We all experience rejection. Just tell yourself it's a shame he missed out on you.

    Remember that there are no rules to any of this - you can do what you want - try not to worry about not knowing how to go about it - sometimes it's best to go ahead even if you're not sure something's going to be perceived well. If you have only good intentions for everyone and yourself, then you will be OK.

    ***To keep conversations going, you need to tell yourself that it's all about him. Pay good attention to what he says, and ask anything about what he's saying that you find interesting/strange/perplexing/exciting. After a while he will want to know more about you but you can score good points by making it all about him to begin with, saying only very little about yourself.***
  • mindblank

    Posts: 275

    Apr 28, 2012 11:11 AM GMT
    Sam_u_el saidI can't believe this !
    U are grown up & don't know how to communicate ?
    lol go to nursery !icon_razz.gif


    This is such a stupid, intolerant thing to say. Did nursery teach YOU how to communicate?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2012 11:46 AM GMT
    Yer the guy who cried wolf.icon_confused.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2012 11:47 AM GMT
    mindblank said
    Sam_u_el saidI can't believe this !
    U are grown up & don't know how to communicate ?
    lol go to nursery !icon_razz.gif


    This is such a stupid, intolerant thing to say. Did nursery teach YOU how to communicate?


    +1
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    Apr 28, 2012 12:09 PM GMT
    To the OP: kind of hard to know the right approach here ... some guys appreciate a direct approach (hey want to grab coffee?) and others might be put off by it. Also, is this more a sexual type thing for you or are you thinking in terms of wanting to get to know the person a little better?

    Might be best to check out his profile and see if there are any interests he has that might be good conversation starters. This way you might learn a little more about his intentions and see if the two of you might be suitable for a meetup.

    I'd be curious what you ultimately want from this guy, and then I/we might be able to offer more specific information.

    Oh, and ignore the smartass comments on here ... focus on the guys who are trying to help and offer up advice from their own perspectives.
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    Apr 28, 2012 5:20 PM GMT
    Tenebrism saidTo the OP: kind of hard to know the right approach here ... some guys appreciate a direct approach (hey want to grab coffee?) and others might be put off by it. Also, is this more a sexual type thing for you or are you thinking in terms of wanting to get to know the person a little better?

    Might be best to check out his profile and see if there are any interests he has that might be good conversation starters. This way you might learn a little more about his intentions and see if the two of you might be suitable for a meetup.

    I'd be curious what you ultimately want from this guy, and then I/we might be able to offer more specific information.

    Oh, and ignore the smartass comments on here ... focus on the guys who are trying to help and offer up advice from their own perspectives.


    1. I'd go for the direct approach
    2. Yes, I am wanting to get to know the guy a little better
    3. His profile doesn't say that much
    4. Don't give a fuck about smart mouths

    Thank you for YOUR help. Btw, what's an OP?



  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2012 5:25 PM GMT
    Thank you for your help/advice. Keep it coming. icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2012 5:36 PM GMT
    Above all else just be yourself. I think everyone else has covered things nicely, but just be up front in your message "I think you look really great. Wanna grab a bite to eat sometime?"

    Best of luck to you, man! Keep us updated icon_smile.gif
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    Apr 28, 2012 6:03 PM GMT
    mouillepoint said
    Tenebrism saidTo the OP: kind of hard to know the right approach here ... some guys appreciate a direct approach (hey want to grab coffee?) and others might be put off by it. Also, is this more a sexual type thing for you or are you thinking in terms of wanting to get to know the person a little better?

    Might be best to check out his profile and see if there are any interests he has that might be good conversation starters. This way you might learn a little more about his intentions and see if the two of you might be suitable for a meetup.

    I'd be curious what you ultimately want from this guy, and then I/we might be able to offer more specific information.

    Oh, and ignore the smartass comments on here ... focus on the guys who are trying to help and offer up advice from their own perspectives.


    1. I'd go for the direct approach
    2. Yes, I am wanting to get to know the guy a little better
    3. His profile doesn't say that much
    4. Don't give a fuck about smart mouths

    Thank you for YOUR help. Btw, what's an OP?



    All good info. I think the way you have laid it out is fine in terms of just sending him a message and saying you like his pictures and profile.

    The OP refers to the original poster of the message thread (in this case, you). icon_smile.gif

    Good luck and I hope things go well, man!
  • mindblank

    Posts: 275

    Apr 28, 2012 6:20 PM GMT
    I didn't read the original post properly and totally missed the point that this is happening online, not in a sauna/outside.

    I agree with the others that it is a totally common thing to do to in these gay online sites to send him a message telling him exactly what you said - that he seems nice and you'd like to meet him. And I agree maybe not mention the sauna because he might feel like you've been watching/stalking him. In my experience gay guys don't like to feel like they're in a contrived set-up, rather something that just seemed to happen without too much obsession. Yeah we all obsess about people and think so and so is amazing but we seem to fare better when we pretend that we are cool about so and so and not let them know how obsessed we are!! It's a mistake to disclose a strong liking for somebody early in a budding relationship, until you are both very comfortable with each other and know each other better, at which point you really will know just whether you truly like him or it was just an infatuation from afar.

    My advice was more to do with if you saw him in public, and initially approaching him.

    PS take all advice with pinches of salt - you know? There really are no rules in socialising, just opinions, tendencies, etc, which might be different in different parts of the world for example.
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    Apr 28, 2012 6:27 PM GMT
    ^^ This is solid advice. Especially the PS part.