One way open relationships

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2012 4:16 PM GMT
    Is there supposed omens some sort of balance in an open relationship? Although we usually don't talk about exploits, I have gathered that my partner gets with a lot more guys than I do. I've only been with one in fact. Part of this is bc I am picky and have only bottomed. Logistics are another problem. But I feel like I am getting the short end of the stick.;) It makes it hard for me to be happy for him.

    Is it normal for one partner to have much more sex than the other in an open relationship or is there usually more equality for this to work? I don't want to be selfish but at the same time this is doing nothing for me. I'm new at this. Thanks!
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Apr 28, 2012 4:32 PM GMT
    Are you sexually satisfied?
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    Apr 28, 2012 4:51 PM GMT
    Men are naturally competitive, so if your partner is getting more sex than you, you should step up to the plate and go ass-hunting more often.
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    Apr 28, 2012 5:11 PM GMT
    Yes, totally satisfied with him and he is with me. There are reasons for us to play separately, including that he never was with someone else before diving into an almost 8 yr relationship. It's fun and new, too. Just wondering if I am overreacting. And yes, I am very competitive and he always reminds me it is not a competition.

    And I would rather go cock hunting.;)
  • dfrourke

    Posts: 1062

    Apr 28, 2012 8:43 PM GMT
    ...although I tend not to judge what works for others in their relationships...I found out through trial and error not to make someone else a priority when I am just an option to them...

    - David icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2012 8:58 PM GMT
    I think open relationships are crazy. What you really are, are two guys who have sex with each other and other guys. That won't work for anyone I know. You get what you get.icon_neutral.gif

  • Apr 28, 2012 9:11 PM GMT
    Well, since there are more bottoms then tops, so you are probably going to lose in the numbers. And yea, it feels like competition, especially if you are in the losing end.

    And I have no idea how someone remains special in a relationship when especially he simply becomes "just another hole another person puts a stick into". I have seen some long term open relationships work; I wonder if both partners are versatile. Would be interesting to know.
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    Apr 28, 2012 9:50 PM GMT
    Relationship are not all about the sex boys! There's much more to it than just sex and like anything else in the relationship, sex outside the relationship should be discussed regularly. If you feel short changed then you should sit with your partner and discuss why it is you feel that way. Maybe set some new boundaries of when, how many, whatever each of you agree upon. Talking to him will provide better results and a stronger relationship than hearing all the comments about how right or wrong you are having an open relationship. Good luck!
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    Apr 28, 2012 9:53 PM GMT
    You need to ask yourself the question do you love the guy?
    If so be happy enjoy the time that you have together as it won't last unless you both change and you both need to want the same things or you will need to walk away with your head held high or stay and be hurt these are your choices
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    Apr 28, 2012 10:10 PM GMT
    You reap what you sow? and I'm not just talking about sex. Do you really find that it makes you happy having multiple sex partners? Do you find that it brings you complete happiness that your partner is having sex with other men? Do you prefer to be used by a partner as his sex object or toy with no strings attached? How do you feel about this? Sounds to me like there is an issue of lack of self-respect, self-worth, and self-esteem. You are better than all the men he sleeps with as you deserve better. You are not just some raw meat or object to be used, but a human being with sexual desires albeit, but someone who deserves love. See the difference and don't worry about your partners sexual desires. Worry about yourself and the rest will take care of itself because at the end of the day, its not the sex that will motivate you, but the love, respect, and care that another person is going to share with you that you will find most attractive in that person. To me a relationship that is based on respect is worth so much more than on an open relationship where one is sleeping around with mulitiple partners to satisfies his own personal desires over the desires of the relationship. Have a great weekend.
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    Apr 28, 2012 11:12 PM GMT
    Thanks everyone. Great things to consider and I'll have him read this, too.
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    Apr 28, 2012 11:38 PM GMT
    Just talk to him about it.

    Also; ask yourself why it bothers you. It seems ok with you that he's having sex with someone else, so why should the volume matter? I think once you figure that out, you'll have a better idea of how to tackle how you feel about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 28, 2012 11:45 PM GMT
    You're the only one to blame. People who do open relationships or only like open relationships are ones to stay away from if love is what you're looking for.

    Fuck, if anything serious is what you're looking for period.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Apr 28, 2012 11:57 PM GMT
    Your thoughts may have to do with latent jealously of him being with others...He can't help it he hits up on more guys than you...You both knew the pluses and minuses before you started this journey...Just random thoughts dude ....take it for what it's worth....BUD
  • Timbales

    Posts: 13993

    Apr 29, 2012 1:29 AM GMT
    chiyogadude saidYes, totally satisfied with him and he is with me. There are reasons for us to play separately, including that he never was with someone else before diving into an almost 8 yr relationship. It's fun and new, too. Just wondering if I am overreacting. And yes, I am very competitive and he always reminds me it is not a competition.

    And I would rather go cock hunting.;)


    If you are sexually satisfied, then how much more he gets than you shouldn't matter.
  • Trepeat

    Posts: 546

    Apr 29, 2012 3:09 AM GMT
    It's definitely natural to feel insecure that your loving alone is not enough to satisfy your boyfriend. The heteronormative ideal is that monogamy alone should be enough. And, even though for a lot of gay men monogamy is not an ideal option, I think a lot of guys still feel anxiety that their men are out there having sex with other people.

    If you found someone who excited you sexually and emotionally in the same way that your boyfriend does, would you feel as threatened by his own sexual ventures? If I were in your situation, I think that my biggest insecurity would be that my boyfriend is attracting more sexual partners than I am, and thus that I am a less sexually desirable person than he is.
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    Apr 29, 2012 3:30 AM GMT
    tests , , ,
  • Kjonyou

    Posts: 93

    Apr 29, 2012 11:00 AM GMT
    No Balance Ever! Relationships don't work like that even when you are monogamous. 50/50 is a myth like a picket fence. Most relationships are some imbalance of one thing or another maybe its 70/30 on the income and 10/90 on emotional support.

    You are not being honest with yourself if you are OK with an open relationship and at the same time say you are totally satisfied. If both of you were totally satisfied you wouldn't need outside stimulation. The whole concept of an open relationship is that you both agree each other can not satisfy ALL your sexual desires. 1st guy or 101st guy dose not change this. Sewing your wild oats is a cop out after being together so long already. Crystal Meth wasn't around much when I was younger, so should I start now so I can experience what I missed out on? We all make choices regardless of age.

    I know a lot of couples that have been in relationships a long time. About 50 percent are open and 50 closed. If I had to generalize, the open relationships tend to have more drama, jealousy and shorter lifespan then the monogamous ones do.

    If that continues into mid life it starts to look pathetic. It gets uncomfortable to go out with older couples who have open relationships because they always seem to be on the hunt. Instead of developing other parts of their life and solid friendships they spend most of their free looking for the next trick. And as you get older and older, there are less and less takers making you look more and more desperate. These are the guys I see in some dive bar at 12:00 in the afternoon drunk half blind annoying the 20 year old stripper then goes how to their "understanding lover". Who by that point wont pick them up at the bar anymore.

    It seems more often then not, of the couples that started an open relationship after they were together for a number of years, is just a way of one partner to make an easier exit then if they were exclusive. Even if they truly don't plan on that, it just happens when one or the other suddenly meets someone where it moves for just sex to emotional attachment.

    Then it's by by relationship because its not like they will be loosing anything special or intimate that they don't have with the new guy. " Oops, sorry, we fell in love, it just happened."

    Of course there are always exceptions, but I only know one couple that have pulled off the open relationship thing in a healthy way without coming across as predators on the next Chris Hanson Show on NBC.

    Since you are questioning who is getting more sex outside the relationship, you don't sound like your headed to happy town. And, since your other half seems to engage in A LOT more action, it dose not sound like he is satisfied with you either. You are on the road to just roommates.

    Harsh I know, but you asked.