Confused, Happy, Sad. All at once!

  • newral

    Posts: 137

    Apr 30, 2012 7:43 PM GMT
    So I've been dating this great guy for a couple months and things have been wonderful between us. He's about to graduate from med school and I'm super excited for him. He wants us to have a future together, but I'm not sure what to make of things. He accepted an offer to do his residency in another state and I'm excited for him that he got the choice he wanted. I want him to be successful and I don't wish anything but the best for him.

    But I'm confused and a little sad. He will be leaving soon and has asked me to come along with him to live together. I don't know what to make of it because he knows that I can't quit school or drastically leave everything behind. It made me think that he was more concerned about his emotional needs than mine. I certainly wouldn't want to make things harder for him to get his career started. I put myself in his shoes and there's no way I could ask him not to take that job, or to quit med school because I got a job somewhere. I know he cares about me, but he knows it's unrealistic for me to move with him while he does his residency.

    We've talked about this for a bit. He knows my stance on long distance relationships (they're too taxing on the heart). That's why he proposed that we move in together. I want him to be happy and successful. I'm resigning myself to the idea of separating from him. If things are meant to be between us after a year or two, we shall reunite. Such a sad time for us.

    Not looking for advice, really, Though feel free to share anything you wish. I'm writing more because I just needed to get it off my chest...that I will let him go as a boyfriend and embrace him as a good loving friend who might come back into my life in the future. icon_sad.gif
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    Apr 30, 2012 8:38 PM GMT
    so let me get this straight ....and he's a doctor.

    confused as well; don't know weather to smack or hug.
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    Apr 30, 2012 8:49 PM GMT
    newral saidI don't know what to make of it because he knows that I can't quit school or drastically leave everything behind.

    You can't transfer your degree program? Maybe not the day he relocates, but if he's willing to wait until you can arrive (or maybe you'd get there first), seems it might be worth looking into.
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    May 01, 2012 2:29 AM GMT
    Distance is only a problem if you make it a problem.

    If I loved him, really and truly loved him, only treachery on his part would ever let the idea of separation float into my mind.
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    May 01, 2012 4:22 AM GMT
    Speaking only for myself, if I had a great guy like you make your boyfriend out to be, I wouldn't let distance come between us. I've never been in a long distance relationship like that before. I can imagine that it would be hard, but I wouldn't take it off the table. If he's worth it, then you do whatever it takes to be with him. The separation would only be temporary anyway.
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    May 01, 2012 4:27 AM GMT
    Sounds frustrating, hopefully your situation works out for the best.
  • ineedausernam...

    Posts: 118

    May 01, 2012 4:34 AM GMT
    This is so sad icon_sad.gif How much longer will you be in school?
  • newral

    Posts: 137

    May 01, 2012 3:45 PM GMT
    dustin_K_tx saiddon't know weather to smack or hug.


    icon_cry.gif hug?
  • newral

    Posts: 137

    May 01, 2012 4:25 PM GMT
    daviddoublebay saidWOW.... I would be so psyched that he asked you to move in together. Nice.

    It doesn't have to be right away! If he's going to be in residency, he's hardly going to have time to sleep, much less spend quality time with each other in the beginning even if you're living together. Waiting to move or a LDR wouldn't be out of the question... at least for me.

    A great guy who loves you ... and whom you love... isn't anything to abandon, (even for the time being).

    Of course, this is just my initial reaction, k?! I don't know the whole situation.



    Thanks. It was unexpected and very sweet. But I questioned his motives lol. He knows I don't want to be in an LDR, so he might have pulled that card as a last resort, even though he probably knew it was a bit unrealistic.

    It doesn't really matter what the motive was, though. I do think he meant it. We've talked about it extensively and reuniting after his residency is definitely in the cards. We're not abandoning each other. I will visit him and he will come visit me as often as it is possible. But I don't want him to feel pressured to come or even talk to me while we are apart. I know some peoople don't understand this and friends have told me it's foolish to let "one that is in the bag" go, or "release a catch after wringing it in." But I truly believe in nonpossesiveness and free will. People are not property and partners/spouses don't become objects to be guarded once a relationship forms. He's a great guy and I'm a better person for having met him. I'd like to think he feels the same way about me. Whatever the situation is, I want him to be happy. If he'd be happiest with me, he will find a way back to us. I'm still a little sad, though lol icon_sad.gif
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    May 01, 2012 4:56 PM GMT
    well, this is certainly somewhat of a good problem to have.

    I don't think this is about him being selfish about his emotional needs. There's apparently a love you both share, and that's what he's trying to attend to. As much as you feel he's being selfish about his emotional needs, you're also being selfish about your own needs (not wanting to uproot yourself and not wanting to handle a LDR). That's why it's called a "relationship", because there has to be give and take and sacrifice. If he didn't ask you to go, how would you feel? You should be grateful he asked you, which shows how much he loves you.

    I only hope you make the right decision. All parties can win here.

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    May 01, 2012 5:32 PM GMT
    I think the key here (IMO) is that you've only been dating for a couple of months. Way too early to moving in with someone let alone blowing up your whole life in pursuit of a maybe.

    So I guess it comes down to whether you might be willing to explore a LDR with this guy for a while and see how you like it.

    Good luck, man. No easy answers here, as you are well aware. icon_neutral.gif
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    May 01, 2012 5:37 PM GMT
    You're stronger than me in long distance relationships. I could only do it my after being together for at least 6 months. Otherwise I lose the connection... Be strong, good luck!
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    May 01, 2012 5:45 PM GMT
    Nothing germane to add other than that the thread title reminds me of a long-time favorite song. Maybe it will help cheer up the OP.icon_razz.gif


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    May 01, 2012 5:48 PM GMT
    Just move with him. His life is more important.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    May 01, 2012 5:56 PM GMT
    Knowing someone for a couple of months is way to early to make drastic changes in your or his life. I have friends who did a long distance relationship when one of them was in med school/residency and it worked out for them. I would say if things are still going strong after a year, than you might think about moving near him, etc. I have seen way to many realtionships fall apart when guys make quick decisions and move to be near the "one" they think they love. Make the best out of the distance and if it is to work it will. Getting a good education is the most important thing at this time in your life.
  • newral

    Posts: 137

    May 02, 2012 2:55 AM GMT
    showme saidNothing germane to add other than that the thread title reminds me of a long-time favorite song. Maybe it will help cheer up the OP.icon_razz.gif




    haha. The song might be titled Happy Sad, but there was not a single sad given in the video. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 02, 2012 7:06 AM GMT
    Somehow I missed the part where you've only been dating for a couple of months. Yeah, that's a little quick to be uprooting your life and moving in with him, IMNSHO. You're only choice seems to be trying to give a long distance relationship a shot. I don't have any advice to give on that front. I've never been in one (well, sort of, but not really). I would prefer not to have to make that choice, but hypothetically, if I met someone who had to move away, I think I'd try to make it work.