I feel, really really really sad... and I have no idea what to do...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Apr 30, 2012 10:50 PM GMT
    I am so done with everything. I hate putting myself out there after others want to date me so much to just get deserted, and left for ugly boys, poor boys, and stupid people. These past couple of months have really made me think about what I want and what I dont want in life. One of these things is I cannot understand how someone could love someone so much that they would stay with them. People don't ever stay with me so how could I find someone who would honestly really love me for me. Im not that cute, I am someone what over weight according to half the guys I date, and well I am not up to par with anyone. I am far from stable, and I just don't really give a shit about myself. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave this world because of the 2 lives I have saved, my dogs ginger and ricco. I couldn't stand to abandon them. But i feel that I do not fit in anywhere in this world. I am the odd piece out. the Lonely guy who never has dates to any events. The one who has never had a boyfriend. The one who guys always date right before they get into long term relationships. So if you wanna get in a long term relationship, date me because you will find all the things u want and all the things you don't want so the next one that comes along will be the right one for u. I am so very sad about my life and how things have turned out. I am still fat, I am still not to where I want to be physically, and I have a testosterone deficiency so its SUPER hard for me to build muscle.


    Im tired of always being the odd guy out. Always being the one overlooked. I hate "almost being cute". Which is what guys have said to me before. Things like that hurt after a long time. I can't take this anymore., life is so difficult from the fact that I have but do not have anything. I don't want to date, or get to know anyone for a LONG TIME. I never seem to find the one I want, who the one that wants me. Im finished.
  • DesireIron

    Posts: 426

    Apr 30, 2012 10:55 PM GMT
    This is a natural psychological phase at your age.

    Read about it....

    http://www.amazon.com/New-Passages-Gail-Sheehy/dp/0345404459/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1335826468&sr=8-1
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    May 01, 2012 1:01 AM GMT
    Sorry you're going through this and please know that I can understand how you feel. You're 27 and when I was 26 I felt just like you are describing. I had the same feelings - and what you wrote sounds so much like how I felt about myself. Here I was in my prime and I was dateless (except for one-nighters) and it was a dark time. Here's what I can assure you: It doesn't stay that way. Eventually (sooner or later) you pull out of this slump and things are good again. You'll look back on this tough time and acknowledge that it was tough - but you'll feel so relieved to be through it. You'll be okay again.
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    May 01, 2012 1:03 AM GMT
    Dude... I'm pretty shocked to read what you've just written.

    Because I've passed by your profile before and thought, "Wow... that guy looks like a sexier version of my ex boyfriend."
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    May 01, 2012 1:05 AM GMT
    I read this a few times, looked at your profile and pictures, ate some dinner, then read this again.

    Buddy- love is tough. If it were easy, it wouldn't mean nothing at all.
    From reading this, I can surmise that someone left you and this hasn't been the first. You are down about it because you feel they left because of you.

    First off- I don't think you're overweight, so either the guys you were dating were very shallow, or... they were very shallow.
    Second- are you fishing for compliments? icon_biggrin.gif I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but I think you sell yourself short if you say you're not cute, cause you are.
    Thirdly- i think you suffer from the most common issue people face when dating. You have low self esteem. Negative thoughts of "I'm not good enough", "I'm not important", "I'm not worthy". We all go through this, whether internally or externally. It's usually is the very same thing preventing you from having lasting relationships. The reality is that nothing is too bad that you can't recover from it and it starts with changing how you've been looking at the entire situation.

    What you need to do is take yourself out of the equation of dating, It doesn't sound like you're ready. You need to work at doing things you're proud of and doing things for yourself, not for someone. Join a running club, volunteer, book club, something you want to do and you've set your mind to.

    Take it from someone who has walked this very path and survived, and one who has helped a close friend recover too. If you would like to talk to someone, feel free to message me, I'd be happy to go into detail and hear your out.

    P.S yourname2000 said it better than i did and summarized it in just a few lines, lol.

    Cheers!
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    May 01, 2012 1:08 AM GMT
    You're depressed.

    How you see yourself, your life and how you fit into life is exactly how a depressed person views life. From my vantage point you are not overweight or ugly at all -- far from it.

    Everyone is going to tell you to love yourself before you can love someone else -- and thats true but there is so much involved in that process. I'd really encourage you to find a gay friendly therapist to work these feelings out and build a better life for yourself. You introspect and think about what kind of person you should be, and that usually makes for a very good partner.

    There will always be guys out there for you, that will come and go. You will always have to live with yourself and how you live your life.
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    May 01, 2012 1:10 AM GMT
    You guys are all very kind, and all very nice. Thanks for these words. I went to the gym a 2nd time today because I couldn't stay in the house, watching the last guy I date, have a picnic across the street. I couldn't sit in my office and work to just watch them smooch and kiss all day. Ughh gross.
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    May 01, 2012 1:11 AM GMT
    hey bud, i'm so sorry to read that you're feeling down. just remember that there's a lot ahead of you and you have no idea how it's going to turn out. take one step at a time trying to make things just a little bit better every day.

    sure, it makes me sound like a super old guy to say this but it's true.....when i was your age i would never imagined that i'd be where i am today. i'm not saying it's great....all i'm saying is that at 26 i never would have guessed the person i am now. if you'd asked, i would have guessed wrong on every count.

    so what i'm saying is, dude, the world is your oyster. you can make what you want of your life. you won't get everything that you want (most likely) but you can have a lot if you just figure out what you want and slowly work towards it. it's possible and you can do it.
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    May 01, 2012 1:12 AM GMT
    Adam228 saidYou're depressed.

    How you see yourself, your life and how you fit into life is exactly how a depressed person views life. From my vantage point you are not overweight or ugly at all -- far from it.

    Everyone is going to tell you to love yourself before you can love someone else -- and thats true but there is so much involved in that process. I'd really encourage you to find a gay friendly therapist to work these feelings out and build a better life for yourself. You introspect and think about what kind of person you should be, and that usually makes for a very good partner.

    There will always be guys out there for you, that will come and go. You will always have to live with yourself and how you live your life.


    +1

    My therapist was my mum and close friends(and a real one just a phone call away). They don't charge me, but they also help whipped me back into shape. It's always good to share with someone who has a different opinion. Sometimes they can work a little logic into what you believe is true!
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    May 01, 2012 1:16 AM GMT
    Take a break from guys, it's obviously wearing you out thinking about it. There's no harm in taking some time to vent and let pent up steam out.

    In the meantime, take a little to enjoy this clip of a golden retriever puppy. Doesn't it just make you wanna go "awwww"???

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    May 01, 2012 1:20 AM GMT
    Jcaliguy said I just don't really give a shit about myself.


    Start there. Relationships are XYZ, you building yourself (mentally and emotionally) into someone that someone else wants to be around is ABC.
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    May 01, 2012 1:20 AM GMT
    You're not looking at yourself objectively at all. You're a good looking guy and not overweight. You're suffering from depression and low self-esteem. The problem is those feelings likely keep you from having a successful social life, which in turn, fuels your feelings. You might want to consider meeting with a therapist to help you understand your depression and how to overcome it.
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    May 01, 2012 1:20 AM GMT
    I know how you feel. And i know how hard it is. I have had the misfortune for most of my life all the guys I met who I wanted to date didn't feel the same chemistry with me or I didn't have any hestry with them...and I'm not talking on the shallow looks side, either. I dated a former air force guy who was the sweeest guy and had a beautiful body and we were good friends but ther was just no chemistry and I hated that becasue he really liked me.

    I have sufferd for almost six years in Chattanooga TN, part of the drug addled self loathing Bible belt. No one here ever wanted to sicalize; it was all about hookups on the DL. Now I enjoy sex, but I want friends, and there were none to be had here. I was loking for a guy who, like me, was an educated gym rat who didn't drink, smoke or use recreational drugs. Nothing. I finally met a guy I had talked to on line for about three years and we really hit it off. I told him up front we couldn't date as he had three deal killers: cigarettes, a lot of beer, and especially marajuana. In spite of ourselves, we fell in love. I don't need to tell you how badly it ended, jsut that I wander around my house like an Alzheimer's patient with no one but my dog Bear becasue after nearly half a year of having someone around, to watch stuff with and talk with, there is no one. And while he had had a couple of relationships before, lasting as long as two years, this was the first time I had ever fallen in love with a guy who loved me back. I know how you feel and it is hard to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and go forward and try again. But that is all we can do. I am moveing to Atlanta after BB comps this summer in hopes that being around a larger and more stable gay community (complete with several gay gyms) I will at least find friends, and maybe, if I"m really lucky, a boyfriend like the one I just broke up with who doesn't come with every vice under the sun.

    And by the way, you are way handsome. I'd ask you out anyday.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2012 1:24 AM GMT
    Unfortunately the OP probably won't hear all the positive feedback about his body... Speaking as a former fat guy, praise rarely gets through the filters: especially if we're depressed.

    Some of the hottest, most popular guys on RJ are former fat guys... But as any former fat guy will tell you, it doesn't matter how lean you get or how awesome everyone says you look... there will just be those times when you feel like the fat kid all over again.
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    May 01, 2012 1:25 AM GMT
    Larkin saidUnfortunately the OP probably won't hear all the positive feedback about his body... Speaking as a former fat guy, praise rarely gets through the filters: especially if we're depressed.

    Some of the hottest, most popular guys on RJ are former fat guys... But as any former fat guy will tell you, it doesn't matter how lean you get or how awesome everyone says you look... there will just be those times when you feel like the fat kid all over again.


    Pshh Ive always been perfect, hot and muscular, and yet I still feel fat Larkin.

    Its not just the former fat guys who have it tough!
  • turtleneckjoc...

    Posts: 4685

    May 01, 2012 1:35 AM GMT
    OP, I have been down the road you are traveling many times. Fortunately, the down days don't last that long and it's always about situations around me that I cannot control. You will make it through all of this and please just take it one day at a time.

    From what I have seen posted above me, many guys feel you are very good looking (myself included). And I know what overweight is all about as I have been there as well (even have a couple of pics in my profile where I ain't as trim as I really should be). I would make an appointment to get a physical exam though (which these days is a round of blood work) and let your doctor know you are having these feelings. Your MD might prescribe a mild anti-depressant and suggest some diet changes if your weight is a little out of line. The antidepressant (such as Elivil or even Pristique) should help level you off (they aren't made to make you all grins and giggles, at least that is what I thought anyway...) to the point where you aren't too type A or too down in the dumps.

    And treat yourself too. You are number one and something like a new shirt, shoes or book you would like will be some therapy too.

    Again, you are not bad looking. You are going through depression and there is no shame in all this. Just see your doctor for some help.
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    May 01, 2012 1:36 AM GMT
    you are different...you put yourself out there, you are so brave and not many people do that. Unlike many of us who are scared (to get hurt) to even go up to someone to say hi, i mean lets be real there is a whole section on craigslist devoted to us.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    May 01, 2012 1:52 AM GMT
    Ariodante said
    Jcaliguy said I just don't really give a shit about myself.


    Start there. Relationships are XYZ, you building yourself (mentally and emotionally) into someone that someone else wants to be around is ABC.


    S'good advice.
    Also, not sure if you are, but finding a good therapist to help you sort some of these ideas out would probably be really helpful.
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    May 01, 2012 1:59 AM GMT
    I'm sorry you're experiencing these feelings. I have them frequently myself. I get hopeless about romance, the state of my sexuality, my future, my friendships, my level of competence, my desirability, just a lot of things. It's easy (for me, at least) to get beat down by all the things that don't seem to be working.

    Take care of yourself. Hating everything and not seeing a point in anything anymore drains a person.... self-hatred sucks the life out of people. It usually has taken me getting to the point of complete desperation and misery (due to self-inflicted pain) that I revolt against it and say... you know what, fuck everything. Fuck my expectations, fuck other people's opinions, fuck all the lies I've been told about how ideal life is going to become, fuck the standard of success I can never seem to live up to, fuck my feeling of loneliness that says I need to have a boyfriend or wife or job by now or whatever. Fuck it all. If it comes down to me wanting life to end, none of that really matters in comparison. So I do self-soothing things. I take a really nurturing attitude with myself. I move slowly. I take breaks. I lay down. I take baths. I listen to music. I watch TV or movies that make me feel fulfilled and satisfied. I spend time with good, healthy people. I spend time outside. My life is more important than the disappointed expectations and failed relationships and that stuff. And I'm grateful for those times when I realize that.

    Take care of yourself bud. You're more important than all of this stuff.
  • NerdLifter

    Posts: 1509

    May 01, 2012 2:27 AM GMT
    Emesis54 saidSo I do self-soothing things. I take a really nurturing attitude with myself. I move slowly. I take breaks. I lay down. I take baths. I listen to music. I watch TV or movies that make me feel fulfilled and satisfied. I spend time with good, healthy people. I spend time outside. My life is more important than the disappointed expectations and failed relationships and that stuff. And I'm grateful for those times when I realize that.

    Similar experience, and this is succinctly the same realization I came to recently.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2012 2:27 AM GMT
    neosyllogy said
    Ariodante said
    Jcaliguy said I just don't really give a shit about myself.


    Start there. Relationships are XYZ, you building yourself (mentally and emotionally) into someone that someone else wants to be around is ABC.


    S'good advice.
    Also, not sure if you are, but finding a good therapist to help you sort some of these ideas out would probably be really helpful.



    Great advice^^^^
    I definitely recommend a therapist. I recommend going to the LA Gay & Lesbian Center's counseling services, and if it's too inconvenient due to distance, I recommend this http://www.lagaycenter.org/site/PageServer?pagename=YH_MH_Private_Practice_Therapists_Directory_3041683

    See who they have available, and find someone who you feel you can connect with.
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    May 01, 2012 2:32 AM GMT
    This is a website full of handsome men with very few exceptions. You definitely can compete with anybody here (except for the ones none of us can compete with....and well, fuck them). I'm a little bewildered by the "almost cute" comment. Others have spoken to the psychological aspects of your post but I'm just here to say, as one shallow son of a bitch, that you're way off base with your assessment of your looks. Start with buying a new mirror. Your's is broken. Also if your ex is having a picnic with his new boyfriend where he knows you can see him, you're still in his head. He's a dick. You're better off without him. Do NOT take him back in a week or so when he realizes he needs you more than you need him.
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    May 01, 2012 2:34 AM GMT
    Jcali, you are not "almost cute." It's something people say to humiliate you, almost invariably because they can't stand that you look better than them. I've had my unfair share of frogs tell me I am ugly. Smile, thank them for their wisdom, and realize that the most sincere compliment is unadulterated envy.
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    May 01, 2012 2:41 AM GMT
    Stop it already. You are NOT fat. You ARE goodlooking. You seem smart enough. What you need is self confidence and a good dose of self esteem. These come from a sense of accomplisment in life. Stop looking for others to validate you and go about the business of validating yourself. Volunteer. Take classes, Join organizations. Concentrate on you. Once you become a confident man you will attract other confident men - good men, accomplshed men, not men who tear you down by saying you are fat or almost cute or whatever. And after you are confident in yourself, those idiotic statements will just roll off your back.

    You may not realize it but I just saved you a boat load of money on therapy. I thank you in advance.
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    May 01, 2012 2:41 AM GMT
    As someone who has dated a fair share of guys with "a few extra pounds" and has had a crush on a friend that struggles with his weight (as he puts it), I just want to tell you that you look beautiful, truthfully and honestly.

    Not all gay guys are conceited, and not all gay guys find super skinny to be attractive. I weighed 130 lbs when I graduated high school, and it's taken many years for me to start feeling confident about my body at all. A guy doesn't have to have the "ideal" body for me to find him attractive or sexy.

    But at some point, you will realize that the only way you can be truly happy is to stop judging yourself and start understanding that the only person that can hold you back is you. And if you really like yourself for who you are, guys will see that you are confident and will be drawn to you. icon_biggrin.gif

    There's a lot of us rooting for you!