Timing of life decisions - sad and confused

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 30, 2012 11:37 PM GMT
    It was last year I really started to accept myself and my sexuality. However, even though I was more accepting, I still felt stuck in my job and personal life. I was alone and felt isolated since I wasn't really living life that way I wanted. I decided to apply to graduate school in January. I was feeling a bit ambitious because I was opening up to my feelings and thought it would be good for my career and get me away from my life (ie. being gay and closeted and unhappy). After applying, I really started to open up to myself and even went on a dating site. I met some guys and have been dating one for about 2 months. (He is great. So thoughtful and kind. Time flies when we are together).

    While I was waiting for a decision on graduate school, I started preparing for the idea that I would not get accepted. If I wasn't accepted I would be moving from the suburbs into a big city and start a life I always wanted. This would bring my close to my guy. I was okay with settling down, which was never the case before. I even got excited about that. I haven't been excited about life for a long time, since I always assumed I'd be alone and closeted my whole life.

    Last week, I got accepted to a grad school. I haven't cried this much in a long time. I am torn between going to school far away vs. starting to live a happy life that I was excited about, as mentioned above. Going to school would also mean either leaving the guy I am dating or trying to do a long-distance relationship. I am so unsure of what to do, because a master's degree is a good thing and would serve me well (but super expensive). Don't know whether to start living the happy life I see in the city or once again put that on hold for a future date. I mean, I've been closeted for years and saw no future for myself in terms of dating, being happy in my own home, etc. Now it seems so close, but I may go back to being a student and away from my first relationship. (I understand that I don't know how long this first relationship will last, but the whole life style of being a happy adult living freely is here within reach. Plus I would love to be in a committed relationship with this guy - an amazing person that one doesn't come across in life very often).

    I want to tell the guy I am dating (who I'd love to be my BF) about my feelings since I have no one else to turn to (I can't tell my parents I am dating a guy). But I don't want him to think the reason I am not going to school is because of him, since that would put a lot of pressure on him. In reality he is a part of the reason, but it really has to do with where I was when I applied vs. where I am today in terms of my happiness. I think that if I had been happily living on my own and open about my sexuality a few years prior, I would be okay with going to school. But now I am conflicted about which path to pursue now.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 30, 2012 11:49 PM GMT
    I was definitely concerned with putting too much into one guy. But its not just about him...
  • Cdnontherun

    Posts: 69

    Apr 30, 2012 11:53 PM GMT
    You are 28, go to school. that education will probably be there long after the guy is gone. And it it is something really important, you'll find a way to work it out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 30, 2012 11:53 PM GMT
    shocktop2012 saidIt was last year I really started to accept myself and my sexuality. However, even though I was more accepting, I still felt stuck in my job and personal life. I was alone and felt isolated since I wasn't really living life that way I wanted. I decided to apply to graduate school in January. I was feeling a bit ambitious because I was opening up to my feelings and thought it would be good for my career and get me away from my life (ie. being gay and closeted and unhappy). After applying, I really started to open up to myself and even went on a dating site. I met some guys and have been dating one for about 2 months. (He is great. So thoughtful and kind. Time flies when we are together).

    While I was waiting for a decision on graduate school, I started preparing for the idea that I would not get accepted. If I wasn't accepted I would be moving from the suburbs into a big city and start a life I always wanted. This would bring my close to my guy. I was okay with settling down, which was never the case before. I even got excited about that. I haven't been excited about life for a long time, since I always assumed I'd be alone and closeted my whole life.

    Last week, I got accepted to a grad school. I haven't cried this much in a long time. I am torn between going to school far away vs. starting to live a happy life that I was excited about, as mentioned above. Going to school would also mean either leaving the guy I am dating or trying to do a long-distance relationship. I am so unsure of what to do, because a master's degree is a good thing and would serve me well (but super expensive). Don't know whether to start living the happy life I see in the city or once again put that on hold for a future date. I mean, I've been closeted for years and saw no future for myself in terms of dating, being happy in my own home, etc. Now it seems so close, but I may go back to being a student and away from my first relationship. (I understand that I don't know how long this first relationship will last, but the whole life style of being a happy adult living freely is here within reach. Plus I would love to be in a committed relationship with this guy - an amazing person that one doesn't come across in life very often).

    I want to tell the guy I am dating (who I'd love to be my BF) about my feelings since I have no one else to turn to (I can't tell my parents I am dating a guy). But I don't want him to think the reason I am not going to school is because of him, since that would put a lot of pressure on him. In reality he is a part of the reason, but it really has to do with where I was when I applied vs. where I am today in terms of my happiness. I think that if I had been happily living on my own and open about my sexuality a few years prior, I would be okay with going to school. But now I am conflicted about which path to pursue now.


    Do what's best for you. If that means going through with school, even though you have to give up/put something good on hold, then do it. Your guy will likely understand. I imagine you'd want him to do what's best for him. And if it works out between you two, doing what's best for both of you, then....that'd be worth it. Just honor yourself and give yourself a chance. I've heard too many people tell stories of sacrificing things in their own lives for budding relationships, only to be disappointed and regret not investing in themselves. Maybe if you invest in yourself and find a relationship that lines up with you taking care of you, it'll be something special like you've never had before.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    Apr 30, 2012 11:56 PM GMT
    Agree with cdnontherun. It will work itself out. If you dont go to school, and things don't work out with this guy, you will develop resentment and hate him for it. Long distance is very hard but not impossible. Is he willing to relocate for you as much as you are (indirectly) willing to "not" relocate for him?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 01, 2012 12:13 AM GMT
    IzzyMuscle saidAgree with cdnontherun. It will work itself out. If you dont go to school, and things don't work out with this guy, you will develop resentment and hate him for it. Long distance is very hard but not impossible. Is he willing to relocate for you as much as you are (indirectly) willing to "not" relocate for him?



    He can't relocate since he is finishing school himself. Plus I'd be going out of the country so he couldn't practice there. He supports the idea of me going back to school, but we haven't talked about what it means for us as a couple.

    As I think about the issue more and more, it boils down to wanting to use grad school as an escape back when I applied vs. not wanting to escape any more. It's a tough spot to be in...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 01, 2012 12:34 AM GMT
    [quote]

    Well if you don't want to go to grad school than don't! It is expensive...

    But don't make the decision for anyone other than yourself.[/quote]

    You are right...if I don't want to go I should not. However, this whole thing is clouding my judgement and its hard to tell if I am making the right choice for the right reasons. I guess that's not something anyone on a forum can do for me, but your advice is all helpful.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 01, 2012 1:20 AM GMT
    I can identify with the way you feel about the guy you're dating. My first boyfriend and I were together (living separately but frequently seeing each other) for over three years. I thought when I first met him that he was the guy that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. We hit it off very well. The relationship ran its course, however, and when we mutually called it quits we both realized that we should have done so much earlier. The fact of the matter is that there are other guys out there. For example, I met my next boyfriend right after I broke up with my first boyfriend and he and I connected on a whole different level. Long story short---go to grad school, make the tough decision to take a break (it's less harsh than "break up", although you said he's not your boyfriend yet anyway), and concentrate on school. In time you'll get into a new routine and you never know what new guy is in store for you. Ultimately go with what's in your heart. I know you seem torn inside but dig deep enough and you'll find the answer.
  • chi_rock

    Posts: 207

    May 01, 2012 1:35 AM GMT
    Is there a masters program that you could attend while working on your new relationship? Is the one you got accepted into unique or special in some way. I agree that you should pursue your education first, but maybe both are possible?
  • califun869

    Posts: 54

    May 01, 2012 2:39 AM GMT
    Are you going to grad school just to go to grad school? Do you want a position that requires grad school education? If you enjoy school then I would think about going to school. Do you still not like your job? These are really tough questions. Can you apply to school for next year and go local?

    I mean it sounds like your in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. If things go sour how much would you resent not going to school? Would you regress to feeling trapped and stuck?

    All these questions are probably annoying but it's important to understand why you want to make decisions. You probably have better questions for yourself. It's important to take into consideration underlying reasons to what motivates you.

    Sometimes running away from your problems will not make them better. You can run away from where you are, but you can't run away from your mind.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 01, 2012 6:09 AM GMT
    it totsally sounds like you are freaked out about leaving the guy. i see nothing in your story other that trying to build a relationship with him as being the reason youre debating not going to grad school. in my opinion, thats isnt a wise decision but you'll end up doing what you want and it will either make you happy or resentful. on the other hand, im applying to doctor of nurs practitioning programs and cant wait to go! well, im not going anywhere since i need to stay in la because of my job but whatever! (: excited anyway!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 01, 2012 6:34 AM GMT
    I was in a similar situation..minus the boyfriend angle...yes i am goin to grad school....to escape the things around me..and start living the life i want to...in another country....
    my take on ur dilemma......if the grad school is really great...good rank and all....go for it man....and just imagine..if just opening up recently has opened so many opportunities for you...and you are feeling good about urself.........imagine...being yourself...in a wonderful environment...different country..so many people to meet...interact....the knowledge to gain......would develop a whole new perspective..open you up more.........
    besides you will be an alumni with the said degree for the rest of your life..
    the career opportunities...etc...who knows what might transpire there.....i imagine you might be in europe...its a beautiful place to be....
    as for the wonderful guy.....just maybe since its your first...and he is so wonderful....you are letting heart take precedence...but who says you can't have both....you two just need to work it out..there are several possibilities....
    but putting your career on hold would and should be last(to each his own though)......specially when you need to feel good about urself....given the closet issues and all.....you might emerge a good professional with great career prospects so much so that your sexuality will not matter...
    also wht is the level of commitment you two share.....maybe u r so serious about it..since its your first......delve into his feelings.. his thoughts....maybe he might need some time..to actually give the relationship the endorsement you are looking for.....take him into confidence...share..discuss....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 01, 2012 9:00 AM GMT
    First of all, congratz with being accepted

    And second..
    You thought that you wouldn't be accepted in grad. school, yet you were...
    I think that's gotta mean something right?
    The path you should choose, has been cleared for you..

    Besides I think you already know the answer what you should persue
    You just don't want to see it because it's going to be painful..

    I completly understand your feelings, I too have met someone 3 years ago but instead of dating we started a friendship, he was so nice, sportive, beautiful smile, beautiful eyes, intelligent and fun, we both had strong feelings toward eachother but because of me being in closet we couldn't act on our feelings.. So we eventually lost contact.
    That pain I felt back then was the most painful pain I ever suffered (and I had broken a collarbone once)

    So now that we are 3years later (never in my life had I imagened this would happen) I met him in the same place we first met, I still can't tell you how it ends because I still have'nt talked to him icon_smile.gif, when I saw him he was a bit busy..

    So what i'm trying to tell you is if you choose grad. school and get your diploma
    there is still a chance to get your mister right ;)
    But if you choose him and after 3-4y relationship you break up, you'll be in much deeper depression than what i've been thru..

    blueredpill.jpg?w=300&h=225

    I'd go for the RED one ;)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 01, 2012 9:15 AM GMT
    Where is it written that you can't go to Grad school AND be happy and free and out of the closet?

    If you came out then your decision would be much easier, either they accept you and you can go to Grad school happy, or they don't and you can move to the big city and start a new life, maybe even apply for school there.

    I wouldn't invest so much (and make such big decisions) in a relationship that hasn't formed, but the benefits of moving to a big city are still there even if it doesn't work out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 01, 2012 11:50 AM GMT
    All these comments are very valid.

    I opted to not apply to local NY grad schools because I wanted to get far away. Those schools would have been great to get into but I chose European schools because I met someone that went and looked so happy...he was gay. I guess I wanted that too. However, I was hoping I would not regret making a decision based on this.

    The thing about moving to the city that is appealing is that I really want to be a yuppie, enjoying all the aspects of the life and city. I've lived with my parents for the past few years, which is why its a big deal for me to move out to get my own place, etc. I feel like I pissed away my 20's being isolated because I wasn't comfortable with myself. Now, I'd love to be in a relationship and build it with this guy. If it didn't work out, living in the city and dating and being part of the vibrant life would be amazing too. I don't think I'm going to get much more out of the forum. Now its time to reflect...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 01, 2012 7:08 PM GMT
    hey shocktop....i feel the same...wasting my twenties.....and want those same things that u are thinking of.....jst thot i'd share...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 01, 2012 7:52 PM GMT
    Yup, same here... and still wasting it..
    Also gives me the feeling I'm missing all the fun..

    Anywayz, I really hope you can make the right choice!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 02, 2012 1:52 AM GMT
    Thanks for the additional comments. You know what? Between my post in the morning and now, my mind has really cleared. I realized that I am going to do what I want and not make a decision based on anyone else, be it my family, the guy I'm dating, my boss, friends, etc. And I'm not going to let anyone hold it over my head in the future.

    If there is one things that I've learned from this, its that you can't live a life of regrets. Whatever decision I make, I can't look back at what I could have had. This is a life lesson that I never really lived up to.

    Thinking more clearly, I started to think about each option. I realized that no matter what I choose I have lots of opportunities around me. I also realized that I can't have it all. While making a decision isn't any easier now, it is a bit less emotional.

    Option 1: don't go to school
    -Continue to work at prestigious global financial firm
    -Total compensation is almost at the level of the average graduate of the master's program I got into
    -I'm up for a promotion to VP, which would push my salary up even more if I get it
    -I can take two actions (one will be easily realized in the near-term) that can boost my career and are necessary; some say one of them is more beneficial than a grad degree
    -I can move to NYC away from my parents house
    -I can continue to date the same guy or someone else if we don't end up working out in the long-run
    -Cheaper option and would be in a position to buy a apartment in NYC if I chose

    Option 2: go the school
    -I get a degree from a good school and can put it on my resume
    -Build a professional network
    -Have a more dynamic life experience
    -Potentially increase pay
    -Won't leave for almost 5 months, so can still build on our relationship and potentially continue to be together long distance
    -Good opportunities to travel and for him to visit me
    -Down side is that I am not bullish on the economy and having a 1 year UK MBA may put me at a disadvantage when competing for a new job after graduation back in the states.
    -$$$ pricey option with unclear payback

    I really hope it works out with this guy, either way. He is someone that I love sharing my life with and I love being part of his. I'm a hopeless romantic, and we're both into having a monogamous relationship. We fit well together and it really feels so natural to be together. It's not easy to find that.

    So this is what I have to work through now. Seems more logical, but still difficult. Next step is to actually visit the school.