Younger dating (first time) older, help!

  • Splendidus_1

    Posts: 611

    May 01, 2012 8:41 PM GMT
    Hello everyone. This will be my first post! Here's my "story":

    I've met this guy two years ago through facebook. We talked every now and then, sometimes even with monthly intervals. He's turning 32 in Sept and I'm 20. I've always been attracted to older men .. maturity and charm (with, obviously, good looks) and I'm on my knees (no pun intended). Well, I think so far this is the most attractive man I've seen .. but I'm kinda already hooked, so I'm not to be fully trusted.

    Well, during the first time we talked, I asked him if he were more of a LTR or Casual guy, and he answered that it depended on his mood! At least I can hope that this still stands and that he's not simply into hook-ups. I consider myself as an uncurable romantic, wanting a monogamous relationship were both of us can grow, and love each other. Pretty gay, right? I just don't seem to fit in this world nowadays, everyone's hooking up, and using each other. I'm no one to judge (and I don't) .. but I simply don't feel confortable to do it. - But anyway, this was a little intro of who I am, so you can, hopefully, help me.

    Well, last week he posted a photo with his niece, and I decided to use that in order to talk with him again, so I sent him a private message, which he promptly replied to. Then, when I asked how thing's were, he didn't answer for almost two days! Well, normally I would just drop it there, but this crush for him made me decide to send him one of the pics I have on my profile (the one "flexing" for the mirror - lol ...) saying "maybe this way you'll answer me icon_razz.gif" - thought a little tease could to the trick instead of "So? No answer?!" lol. Well, he replied saying : "Dummy, if it was only for that, we'd already taken care of business icon_razz.gif" and then asked how I were, and about news .. (This is why I'm telling you all of this, hope this isn't sounding like a teenage girl telling her drama). After that, he asked when would the two of us do something together! This saturday we're supposed to go out.

    I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but this makes me think that he's actually interested in me for more than a casual encounter! I'm kinda intimidated by him, since he's so good looking and seems to be doing well in his life, which makes me wonder: "Why would such person have a genuine interest in me? A 20 year old...". I need some honest opinions, since I think I may be too blind by all of this lol.

    P.S. - Things to keep in mind: I never had a boyfriend. I only had sex once, and it was a one time encounter (which I deeply regret, but that belongs to the past). Portugal is still close-minded, which makes it hard to meet new people (so I don't ... only through the internet, and its an insignificant number).

    Thanks to all of those who actually read of all this - and I hope someone will.
  • swimbikerun

    Posts: 2835

    May 01, 2012 8:52 PM GMT
    Ask him on a date.
    "In war, as well as in love, we must come to close quarters..."
  • Splendidus_1

    Posts: 611

    May 01, 2012 8:55 PM GMT
    Well, actually he sort of asked me already: "After that, he asked when would the two of us do something together!" and then I told him this next Saturday would do for me (he thought I was talking about this past Saturday, so I'm guessing we pushed it to the next one coming, in the 4th)
  • Splendidus_1

    Posts: 611

    May 01, 2012 8:59 PM GMT
    JPtheBITCH saidIm not sure what you're asking.
    Why might he be interested in you? Who knows? What difference does it make? You've already enjoyed each other's company via facebook, why not find out if there's more there?

    Stop over-thinking.


    Well, I guess that makes sense. Maybe I'm getting a bit insecure due to my lack of experience, that's all...

    Thank you for your answer!
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    May 01, 2012 9:31 PM GMT
    Whoah.
    What?
    There are hot gay guys in Portugal; Lisboa even?!

    Grinder and manhunt: you lie to me. Damn you sexually repressed Portuguese culture!


    [Yeah, sorry that wasn't helpful. icon_smile.gif Not sure what advice to give you. You portuguese tend worry too much about these things (not helping that you're young). Stay safe. If you don't know someone well always make sure there's someone who knows who and where you're going (or have some records that can be found if you go missing). Make sure no one you go out with thinks otherwise. But beyond that, keep sex safe *if* it goes there and HAVE FUN.

    I'll tell you right now with 99% certainty that things won't work out. Not because you're doing anything wrong or making a bad choice, just because that's how things go. But you learn and grow by doing. So go, learn, grow and enjoy yourself. Just don't let pressure get the best of you and do something you don't unsafe. ;]
  • TadPohl

    Posts: 259

    May 01, 2012 9:40 PM GMT
    Is the reason for this post because of hesitation/ fear? Are you afraid of being rejected or used for a hook up?
    I encourage you to look beyond expectations. When a person relinquishes expectations he relinquishes disappointment.
    If you like this person, then let it be a a matter of two people sharing an experience... and if the experience is maintained in a long term relationship, then SCORE! Awesome!
    Go with your gut, but ride it out peacefully. If it's an opportunity to make an awesome friend, a brief moment of flirtation, a night of physical romance, your husband..... whatever...let it be exactly that without your need to manipulate/ control the situation.

    That's my fortune cookie advice for you.

    Good luck!
  • Splendidus_1

    Posts: 611

    May 01, 2012 9:42 PM GMT
    daviddoublebay said32 and 20 is NOT really that big of an age difference ! Sounds like a pretty good match to me.

    As far as "experience" .... DO NOT get hung up on that. Just have a good time with each other. If you worry about inexperience, then it will affect how your date goes. Just be yourself, laugh and enjoy. I think the rest comes naturally.

    The above is MOST important. However... even though this is a very personal topic.... about the sex part, can I ask if you're top, bottom or versatile? What is he? Do you know? How long has he been "out" or been dating guys? (maybe not for very long, too)

    The reason I'm asking is because if you're a bottom... and have little experience... you need to be aware there are some easy, quick, things you can do to prepare so that there won't be "discomfort" for you so you can concentrate on having sex rather than the discomfort. Make sense? If you like the guy and things move in that direction, I only wanted to make sure that it's comfortable and easy for both of you. Sometimes inexperienced guys are, of course, not prepared or used to sex... and for the older guy, that can either be enticing or a turn-off.

    I don't know if I would worry about the above. The guy must like you and he KNOWS that you're only 20. If he's a good guy, everything should be fine anyway. (ALWAYS take and use protection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No matter what the other guy says!!!!!!! It's your body. Take care of it. )

    I don't know if these are the kinds of things you had in mind with this post, but maybe this has helped.... or started the conversation and additions from others that will help. icon_smile.gif


    Thanks a ton for your reply! It does touches some important topics I didn't have in mind!

    1 - Well, the way I deal with being nervous is by acting like I ain't ahah. I just tend to be 100% myself, since I'm too worried to do something else than that icon_razz.gif

    2 - About the sex part. I think of myself as Versatile. I toped on my first time, but actually, I'd prefer for someone else to "be in charge" lol. Maturity kicks in well in there. I'm terrified of my lack of experience on this topic, since hygiene is crucial for me... and a lot of shit goes down there. I've tried reading as much I could on this. I'd like to maybe try those anal douches, but everyone seems to warn about becoming "bonded" forever with those. What are the alternatives to have "clean sex"?

    3- I wouldn't even think about doing it without protection, that's "pretty much covered" icon_smile.gif .

    4- Well, I guess that makes sense .. he does know I'm 20, and we've talked a few times, so I hope he noticed I'm not a "toddler"!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2012 9:47 PM GMT
    I'm in the exact boat as you. My advice would be to not be timid; being timid just wastes time. He is either interested or not; better to find out quickly (& it seems he is). Don't be too intimidated; don't act like a school-girl on the date. Good luck (from all of us who wish we were as lucky as you).
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2012 9:52 PM GMT
    dating is one of those things you have to get the hang of. just be your natural self and be open to new experiences and lessons. Im still playing it by ear...

    Edit: but dont lay everything out on the table right away, be mysterious at first. Tease him, and once you got him, then you can do what you want
  • Splendidus_1

    Posts: 611

    May 01, 2012 9:54 PM GMT
    neosyllogy saidWhoah.
    What?
    There are hot gay guys in Portugal; Lisboa even?!

    Grinder and manhunt: you lie to me. Damn you sexually repressed Portuguese culture!


    [Yeah, sorry that wasn't helpful. icon_smile.gif Not sure what advice to give you. You portuguese tend worry too much about these things (not helping that you're young). Stay safe. If you don't know someone well always make sure there's someone who knows who and where you're going (or have some records that can be found if you go missing). Make sure no one you go out with thinks otherwise. But beyond that, keep sex safe *if* it goes there and HAVE FUN.

    I'll tell you right now with 99% certainty that things won't work out. Not because you're doing anything wrong or making a bad choice, just because that's how things go. But you learn and grow by doing. So go, learn, grow and enjoy yourself. Just don't let pressure get the best of you and do something you don't unsafe. ;]


    Ahah, aye, I've heard about the rumours!
    What brings you to Portugal? Even though through manhunt? icon_razz.gif (Actually I have an account there, I'd thought you could help me meeting people but .. dicks, dicks everywhere!) "You portuguese .." . Who are you, and what do you know? icon_eek.gif

    That's some good advice, actually. But if I felt like I could be putting myself in a dangerous situation, I would be the first to decline! Still, my friend knows where I'm going, it's never too much.

    Boo for your pessimism icon_razz.gif (but you're just keeping it real, of course!)



  • Splendidus_1

    Posts: 611

    May 01, 2012 9:59 PM GMT
    TadPohl saidIs the reason for this post because of hesitation/ fear? Are you afraid of being rejected or used for a hook up?
    I encourage you to look beyond expectations. When a person relinquishes expectations he relinquishes disappointment.
    If you like this person, then let it be a a matter of two people sharing an experience... and if the experience is maintained in a long term relationship, then SCORE! Awesome!
    Go with your gut, but ride it out peacefully. If it's an opportunity to make an awesome friend, a brief moment of flirtation, a night of physical romance, your husband..... whatever...let it be exactly that without your need to manipulate/ control the situation.

    That's my fortune cookie advice for you.

    Good luck!


    Woa, I actually agree 100% with you! Great point of view ...

    I'm worried that my imagination betrays me on that aspect. It's impossible for me to shut my brain, even though I try. I hate expectations, they tend to ruin everything *sigh*. Still need to learn how to control them icon_smile.gif.

    Thank you a lot!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2012 9:59 PM GMT
    It's like anything else ... you have to put yourself out there to learn the ropes. It might be helpful for you to think about what you want (and what you don't) so you can just relax and enjoy the experience.

    Finally ... if he's not a good fit, there is still value in putting yourself out there. It's only a win-lose proposition if you make it that way.
  • Splendidus_1

    Posts: 611

    May 01, 2012 10:00 PM GMT
    mizzouguy10 saidIf I was a 32 year old, I would be quite sad with my life that I was going out on a date with a 20 year old.

    But to each their sad own.


    There's a portuguese saying that states that "to every pan, there's a pot" icon_smile.gif . It's a matter of tastes.
  • Splendidus_1

    Posts: 611

    May 01, 2012 10:02 PM GMT
    sweetyork saidI'm in the exact boat as you. My advice would be to not be timid; being timid just wastes time. He is either interested or not; better to find out quickly (& it seems he is). Don't be too intimidated; don't act like a school-girl on the date. Good luck (from all of us who wish we were as lucky as you).


    And what a boat to be in, heh. I tend to be "funny" when I'm nervous, hopefully that will do the trick ahah. D'aw, thanks! And good luck to you too (or everybody)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2012 10:02 PM GMT
    Sometimes I don't respond when other people already post good enough response... so, All These*^& Good luck! icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2012 10:02 PM GMT
    sweetyork said...don't act like a school-girl on the date.


    ^THIS

    No gushing. Be cool. And if you want to know if he's LTR material resist the urge to sleep with him. If he calls for another date, he's probably interested in you as a person and not just a trick. And talk to the guy! Don't try to read his mind and don't expect him to read yours. If you want a longterm relationship with a guy and not just a series of hookups say it up front. If he cancels the date or doesn't call back you have your answer as to what kind of guy he is.

    Who knows he may appreciate the honesty and be at a stage in his life (after partying his way thru his 20s) where he wants something more permanent too. If you are honest, forthright, and sincere and he's a quality guy he will recognize you as a good catch.
  • Splendidus_1

    Posts: 611

    May 01, 2012 10:03 PM GMT
    Phoenyx saiddating is one of those things you have to get the hang of. just be your natural self and be open to new experiences and lessons. Im still playing it by ear...

    Edit: but dont lay everything out on the table right away, be mysterious at first. Tease him, and once you got him, then you can do what you want


    Roger that! Thanks for the advice icon_smile.gif .
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2012 10:10 PM GMT
    If someone REALLY wants you, they will make it a point to have you. The fact that he didn't write back after your second reply, was a red flag for me.--And remember, he may not be as great as you picture: He's 32, smart, and gorgeous, but hasn't found someone...hmm? Things to ponder about.
  • Splendidus_1

    Posts: 611

    May 01, 2012 10:19 PM GMT
    RedondoSurfer said
    Splendidus_1 saidHello everyone. This will be my first post! Here's my "story":

    I've met this guy two years ago through facebook. We talked every now and then, sometimes even with monthly intervals. He's turning 32 in Sept and I'm 20. I've always been attracted to older men .. maturity and charm (with, obviously, good looks) and I'm on my knees (no pun intended). Well, I think so far this is the most attractive man I've seen .. but I'm kinda already hooked, so I'm not to be fully trusted.

    Well, during the first time we talked, I asked him if he were more of a LTR or Casual guy, and he answered that it depended on his mood! At least I can hope that this still stands and that he's not simply into hook-ups. I consider myself as an uncurable romantic, wanting a monogamous relationship were both of us can grow, and love each other. Pretty gay, right? I just don't seem to fit in this world nowadays, everyone's hooking up, and using each other. I'm no one to judge (and I don't) .. but I simply don't feel confortable to do it. - But anyway, this was a little intro of who I am, so you can, hopefully, help me.

    Well, last week he posted a photo with his niece, and I decided to use that in order to talk with him again, so I sent him a private message, which he promptly replied to. Then, when I asked how thing's were, he didn't answer for almost two days! Well, normally I would just drop it there, but this crush for him made me decide to send him one of the pics I have on my profile (the one "flexing" for the mirror - lol ...) saying "maybe this way you'll answer me icon_razz.gif" - thought a little tease could to the trick instead of "So? No answer?!" lol. Well, he replied saying : "Dummy, if it was only for that, we'd already taken care of business icon_razz.gif" and then asked how I were, and about news .. (This is why I'm telling you all of this, hope this isn't sounding like a teenage girl telling her drama). After that, he asked when would the two of us do something together! This saturday we're supposed to go out.

    I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but this makes me think that he's actually interested in me for more than a casual encounter! I'm kinda intimidated by him, since he's so good looking and seems to be doing well in his life, which makes me wonder: "Why would such person have a genuine interest in me? A 20 year old...". I need some honest opinions, since I think I may be too blind by all of this lol.

    P.S. - Things to keep in mind: I never had a boyfriend. I only had sex once, and it was a one time encounter (which I deeply regret, but that belongs to the past). Portugal is still close-minded, which makes it hard to meet new people (so I don't ... only through the internet, and its an insignificant number).

    Thanks to all of those who actually read of all this - and I hope someone will.



    The fact that he only responded back when you sent the flexing pic answers your question. Personally, if you've never had a serious relationship, I would beg you to find someone your own age. After having a first relationship with an older guy about that same age and then another long term with someone slightly older, it's in my opinion to not have the first guy you date be someone older. The way you are describing your emotions makes me feel you are very vulnerable (as anyone your age is) and you need someone who understands AND is going through the same emotions.

    Some (not all) older guys know the game and how to hook a guy your age instantly- it's actually quite easy for them- don't be another number for him and go find a guy around your age that's really gonna grow with you. This guy sounds like a player. I know not EVERY older guy is what I just described so I would hope the best for you, but your description sounds like he wasn't interested in you at all until you showed your body- he was kinda dismissive until then. Also, by you sending that pic, it sets the tone for what the date is and what he thinks he's gonna get from you. "When are we gonna DO something together"- that doesn't mean a date, that sounds like something else...If you are keen to meet him (why not, right?! I wanna be proven wrong), do not sleep with him or let him do anything to you (except maybe kiss) the first date. With your youth, you can use that to your advantage and make him have to work for your affection- by you being nervous that he didn't write back in 2 days shows you're somewhat vulnerable to other's perceptions- HE SHOULD BE GOING AFTER YOU, not vice versa! If he's not a sleeze, still do not put out until he knows everything about you. I would hate to see you get hurt at such a young age icon_sad.gif- there is nothing worse than being used and guys your age are the most vulnerable to that. Best of luck bud and maybe start to look around school or work before going the radical step of dating much older. icon_smile.gif


    Ah, I was expecting someone to state this - I too have wondered about it. I do lack experience, which I guess it's a major flaw. Through my life, I always hung with older people, thus making it possible for me to raise the pace (when it comes to growing). As I said, Portugal is still close-minded (although things are changing by the day!), and so I had to figure all of the homossexuality thing by myself at a young age and solve a whole lot of problems. What I'm trying to say is that all of this made it harder for me to connect with people of my age. Of course I have friends of my age (all my group is!), but emotionally, I can only see myself connecting with someone older than me.
    The only thing I ask is patience, for I am a quick learner. Each person as its own way of "being"; all it takes to me is knowing what way could that be, so I can adjust. Not saying I'll change myself and all, but there are certain things that I can certainly change!
    That's the main thing I hate about me, how vulnerable I am if he doesn't answer. I'm sure that shows how young I am, but please don't judge me solely by that. (There are deeper problems attached to that actually .. cause growing in a house where people tell you you need to change the person you are, makes it hard to build self-esteem icon_razz.gif. Working on it!)

    Thanks for your honest opinion icon_smile.gif.
  • Splendidus_1

    Posts: 611

    May 01, 2012 10:20 PM GMT
    Tenebrism saidIt's like anything else ... you have to put yourself out there to learn the ropes. It might be helpful for you to think about what you want (and what you don't) so you can just relax and enjoy the experience.

    Finally ... if he's not a good fit, there is still value in putting yourself out there. It's only a win-lose proposition if you make it that way.


    No matter the outcome, I guess experience is always good! I need to put myself out there more, even if that means I have to bruise a little. I'm willing to it!
  • Splendidus_1

    Posts: 611

    May 01, 2012 10:22 PM GMT
    YeshoshuaB5917 saidSometimes I don't respond when other people already post good enough response... so, All These*^& Good luck! icon_wink.gif


    Haha, thanks for sharing your opinion, still!
  • Splendidus_1

    Posts: 611

    May 01, 2012 10:27 PM GMT
    UndercoverMan said
    sweetyork said...don't act like a school-girl on the date.


    ^THIS

    No gushing. Be cool. And if you want to know if he's LTR material resist the urge to sleep with him. If he calls for another date, he's probably interested in you as a person and not just a trick. And talk to the guy! Don't try to read his mind and don't expect him to read yours. If you want a longterm relationship with a guy and not just a series of hookups say it up front. If he cancels the date or doesn't call back you have your answer as to what kind of guy he is.

    Who knows he may appreciate the honesty and be at a stage in his life (after partying his way thru his 20s) where he wants something more permanent too. If you are honest, forthright, and sincere and he's a quality guy he will recognize you as a good catch.


    Haha, I know, I know! Ugh, I'd hate myself if I went all "school-girl" on the guy.
    You're right. The thing is .. should I approach him on this? I really don't feel like asking him: "Is this a hook up date or what?". Actually, some months ago he asked me to go out on a dinner! But due to some misunderstadings, we ended up not going lol.
    I'll try to entice him to want more. If he wants to take me to his home, I'll say no, since I've developed a greater interest than hitting the sack on the first date. Better to keep it real!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2012 10:28 PM GMT
    here is a lesson i learned about one particular man. He was 27. We met at a club, long story short i thought he was a gentleman. we were talking for over a week until i wanted to hang out, and he was of the same mindset.

    I go all the way across town to his place. i was expecting to maybe watch a movie and have a conversation. we watched some random movie for like 10 minutes and then, well... we hooked up (nothing more than handies and bjs), and afterwards, what does he do? Goes on fuckin facebook. not for just a minute or two, the entire time until i left. and after that we didnt talk.

    Im not complaining, just an anecdote. I learned that

    1. you have to respect yourself if you want others to respect you.

    2. Some older men, not all of course, only want a young, naive sex toy. After theyve gotten bored they will wash thier hands and be done with you.

    3. You have to realize that older men have more experience and are most likely at a different stage in life than you. He may want kids by now, or already is settled down. Just keep that in mind, and good luck.
  • Splendidus_1

    Posts: 611

    May 01, 2012 10:32 PM GMT
    Sidney12 saidIf someone REALLY wants you, they will make it a point to have you. The fact that he didn't write back after your second reply, was a red flag for me.--And remember, he may not be as great as you picture: He's 32, smart, and gorgeous, but hasn't found someone...hmm? Things to ponder about.


    I still don't know him well, so as far I know, he might have been with someone in the past months ahah!
    Well, the red flag thing normally does it for me .. but he said that he got distracted and forgot to answer. I'm willing to let this pass, cause I honestly want to see where this could go - since HE was the one who said we should go out.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 01, 2012 10:40 PM GMT
    Ive dated much older and much younger.

    My advice: Be 100% clear regarding your agenda.

    Let the dude know if you are only looking for casual sex OR if you want to date with the possibility of LTR.

    Solves a lot of problems in the long run.