How to handle my cheating boyfriend

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    May 03, 2012 11:15 AM GMT
    I recently figured out that my boyfriend of a little over 3 years is cheating on me. I love the man and I know he loves me but all the trust I had in the relationship is gone. I know the relationship is pretty much over but I just cant bring myself to have that conversation with him. Even though he cheated on me I will still feel crushed when I see the tears in his eyes.

    The worst part about this is that he cheated on me with one of my coworkers. I also will have to see my soon to be ex on a professional basis from time to time at work.

    I guess my big problem is that I don't know how to go about this whole situation. This was my first true relationship that I've ever had. I wish there was a way to do this without the tears and heartache but I know there's not. Any advise would be great.
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    May 03, 2012 1:42 PM GMT
    My advice is have that conversation with him.

    Here's a hug, because both of us have, in each of our pasts, been in your shoes. *HUG*

    The only way to get past something like this is to go through it. icon_sad.gif

    warmly,

    -Doug
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    May 03, 2012 1:48 PM GMT
    Yeah it's gonna hurt bro but breaking it off will be good for you in the long run.

    And not to devalue your relationship but if he didn't value you enough to stay faithful, maybe the love wasn't as genuine as you thought it would be.

    As for the workplace environment, there's no way to avoid that unfortunately but the painful memories are not something to avoid. Just embrace because hopefully you'll realize that you deserve much better
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    May 03, 2012 1:55 PM GMT
    There is no way to have a conversation like that without tears and pain....

    It is when you embrace and understand the pain that you learn from it. I'm sorry this happened to you, but you have to take action no matter what. When you do, it represents what you stand for and you keep your moral code in check, and that is always something to be proud of.

    It's natural that you care for him, and love him - but what must be done, must be done. He may claim to love you but honestly, he doesn't. I'm not saying that to be mean or anything, but from human to human - if he TRULY loved you he wouldn't have even thought of cheating on you much less actually do it. It is better to move on and just like you let love in, you can easily let it out. It's mind over everything.....
  • DanOmatic

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    May 03, 2012 1:59 PM GMT
    If you're certain there is no getting beyond this (some couples do manage infidelity, but it's not easy to re-build trust from the ground up), then I think JP has some very good advice (as he often does).

    But yeah, sorry you're having to deal with that. Lean into it.
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    May 03, 2012 2:10 PM GMT
    JPtheBITCH saidIf you've decided it's over, you have to let it actually BE over.
    That means: ignore the tears, which are manipulative.
    When you encounter him at work, be professional, polite, and civil, but leave no openings for him. None.
    And cut him out completely, at least for a long time. Until you are really over him. He may not like it, but he's in no position to dictate terms anymore.

    Good luck.
    Couldn't have said it any better.

    Only thing I would add is that since there is a co-worker involved, watch your back and watch what you say/do around that person.

    Sorry that you are going through this. Good luck to you.
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    May 03, 2012 2:20 PM GMT
    Step 1: Dump old boyfriend.
    Step 2: Don't get a new boyfriend.
    Step 3: Engage in frequent sex with multiple partners.
    Step 4: Wonder why you ever had a boyfriend in the first place.

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    May 03, 2012 2:20 PM GMT
    I feel for you. Hugs.

    The sooner you end it the sooner you'll be back on your feet with a fresh beginning .

    "Get up tomorrow morning with a new song in your heart. Sing it with strength, sing it with hurt. Start from the beginning, anew."
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    May 03, 2012 2:40 PM GMT
    I have been where you are, almost point for point.

    I agree with most of the advice given. I want to point out that seeing your ex's boy toy at work will be difficult. Been there too, except I got to see them having lunch together (with some of my former mutual acquaintances) like a happy couple for about a month. Somewhat humiliating. Keep your class and your tact. It's hard to have that kind of emotional baggage in your face at work.

    Your ex was not worthy of you, and you are better without him. His tears are of his own making. Let him cry, if he does. His actions toward you say more than his tears. Nobody can make you feel pain over his tears but yourself. Respect yourself more than giving his tears that power over you.

    You gave all of yourself to another man for three years. There is no easy or clean separation.

    It may have been your first relationship. So what. You took your baby steps in loving another man. Take that away, and run with it. Carry the gift, not the pain. Take some time to heal and love yourself.

    Chin up. One foot in front of the other. Move on.
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    May 03, 2012 2:43 PM GMT
    The advice to make a clean break is PROBABLY the best advice - and is definitely the best advice if you have definitely decided to make the break.

    However, you say that you still love each other. Sometimes you can use that love as a foundation to rebuild the trust. You start by talking - and talking - and talking. If you go that route it will be a long slog, you may need a professional counselor (either couples or individual) to help you through it, and it may not work. Whether this even has a chance probably depends on the kind of cheating and the reasons for it. Was it a one-off? Was it purely sexual, or was there an emotional component? Was it just something he did because he could get away with it, or is there's something missing in your sex life? Can that something be added in, either between the two of you or by renegotiating your stance on monogamy?

    Whatever you do, best wishes and hugs.
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    May 03, 2012 2:50 PM GMT
    n8698u saidI have been where you are, almost point for point.

    I agree with most of the advice given. I want to point out that seeing your ex's boy toy at work will be difficult. Been there too, except I got to see them having lunch together (with some of my former mutual acquaintances) like a happy couple for about a month. Somewhat humiliating. Keep your class and your tact. It's hard to have that kind of emotional baggage in your face at work.

    Your ex was not worthy of you, and you are better without him. His tears are of his own making. Let him cry, if he does. His actions toward you say more than his tears. Nobody can make you feel pain over his tears but yourself. Respect yourself more than giving his tears that power over you.

    You gave all of yourself to another man for three years. There is no easy or clean separation.

    It may have been your first relationship. So what. You took your baby steps in loving another man. Take that away, and run with it. Carry the gift, not the pain. Take some time to heal and love yourself.

    Chin up. One foot in front of the other. Move on.
    Wow - bolded for emphasis! A damn good way to approach life.

    I don't have a cookie handy and it ain't worth much, but I am hotlisting you for this statement.
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    May 03, 2012 2:58 PM GMT
    Haaretz saidStep 1: Dump old boyfriend.
    Step 2: Don't get a new boyfriend.
    Step 3: Engage in frequent sex with multiple partners.
    Step 4: Wonder why you ever had a boyfriend in the first place.



    Been on step 2, 3 and 4 forever. It works unless the sex sucks, the partners are elusive and unreliable, and you have emotional needs. Tired of steps 2 3 and 4. Still doing steps 2 3 and 4
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    May 03, 2012 3:01 PM GMT
    One more thought:

    Javi_Danger saidHe may claim to love you but honestly, he doesn't. I'm not saying that to be mean or anything, but from human to human - if he TRULY loved you he wouldn't have even thought of cheating on you much less actually do it.


    I do not believe that this is true. Of course we have urges, even when we're in love with someone else. It's what we do about them that matters.
    .
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    May 03, 2012 3:03 PM GMT
    Dump em. No one is worth losing your self respect.
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    May 03, 2012 3:17 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear it....


    If it's over it's over. If it's not, you need to take the steps needed to keep yourself happy as soon as you can. If it's over (and as he's cheating, I bet you are going to have to be the one to end it) move on and find someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him. People waste a life time stuck in situations they are not happy with...
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    May 03, 2012 3:22 PM GMT
    You need to answer one question before I can offer any advice....
    Can you forgive him?
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    May 03, 2012 3:23 PM GMT
    Sorry buddy.

    1. You don't "handle" a cheating boyfriend. You dump him!
    2. By dumping him, you're also dumping other things such as mistrust, paranoia, possible sti's and HIV, arguments and that uneasy feeling you will have whenever you're around him.

    It aint easy, especially because you love him. Use your brain, not your heart.

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    May 03, 2012 3:34 PM GMT
    Sorry to hear about this.... I know sometimes people grow apart and maybe your bf didn't have the guts to tell you that he had. So, with you confronting him and moving on it'll probably help. They should of had a 5 on that list .... finding someone truly compatible... Hoping for the best for you..... take care
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    May 03, 2012 3:35 PM GMT
    One caveat.... Do you want to forgive him and ask him if there was a problem with the relationship.
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    May 03, 2012 3:38 PM GMT
    JPtheBITCH saidIf you've decided it's over, you have to let it actually BE over.
    That means: ignore the tears, which are manipulative.
    When you encounter him at work, be professional, polite, and civil, but leave no openings for him. None.
    And cut him out completely, at least for a long time. Until you are really over him. He may not like it, but he's in no position to dictate terms anymore.

    Good luck.

    Totally agree. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    Cheating is a dealbreaker for me. Also turning on the waterworks after the fact to get you to stay is very manipulative. Both speak of his character.

    If it has happened once there no reason why it wont happen again in spite of any amount of "honey I SWEAR it'll NEVER happen again!!"
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    May 03, 2012 3:38 PM GMT
    Martin_Maros saidSorry buddy.

    1. You don't "handle" a cheating boyfriend. You dump him!
    2. By dumping him, you're also dumping other things such as mistrust, paranoia, possible sti's and HIV, arguments and that uneasy feeling you will have whenever you're around him.

    It aint easy, especially because you love him. Use your brain, not your heart.




    Cheating is wrong, but it doesn't have to be the end either. We don't know the circumstances and we ALL make stupid mistakes. There could be a million reasons why the guy cheated (none of them justify it, but it doesn't automatically make him an evil person.) I think more facts are needed.
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    May 03, 2012 3:47 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    Cheating is wrong, but it doesn't have to be the end either. We don't know the circumstances and we ALL make stupid mistakes. There could be a million reasons why the guy cheated (none of them justify it, but it doesn't automatically make him an evil person.) I think more facts are needed.
    It doesn't make him an evil person but it also doesn't mean that the OP should accept it.
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    May 03, 2012 3:48 PM GMT
    I'd advise against searching for answers from him about why he cheated, you are not going to get any satisfaction from his answers. Nothing he tells you is going to make you feel better... Besides, you can't trust anything he tells you now anyway, he may give you an excuse as to why, but you will only just end up questioning that too.

    Best thing is to do is end the relationship and cut him out of your life, give him your reasons and then get out.
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    May 03, 2012 3:54 PM GMT
    Jeffster,
    Have also been in your shoes, like many others here. This is the moment when you have to stand up for yourself, because no one else (including your soon to be ex-boyfriend, and the coworker) is going to.

    This is the moment when you stop being a passive passenger in this shitty ride, on this unpleasant journey, and you either start driving in the direction you want to go, or you step out and you go your own way. You are the boss.

    Figure out what you want, say it out clearly. If you guys can agree to make it work, then you could make your relationship stronger. But if, in your heart, its destroyed and forever unworkable, then cut it off and move on. Fast.

    Most of all, don't let his tears break your resolve too, like his actions broke your heart.






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    May 03, 2012 4:16 PM GMT
    DUMP HIM AND MOVE ON!!!!