would breaking up be the best bet?

  • SoleFireSiren

    Posts: 14

    May 03, 2012 7:16 PM GMT
    icon_sad.gif It saddens me to say I have been dating a guy for a little over 5 months now and I am in love with him, however although he tells me all the time how much he loves me, he doesn't show it... hardly at all!

    Instead of compliments I hear complaints. Instead of putting our time first, I feel like I come last. I understand it's only five month's, but he's calling it a relationship, and It just feels like I'm his prisoner rather than his lover. He's selfish, alcoholic, verbally abusive and only 22. We have very little in common and I find it hard to laugh at the things he finds humorous, mostly because he finds everything funny, and I on the other hand have a hard time finding anything funny now-a-days.

    He talks to me disrespectfully in front of his family and that shit drives me nuts. And honestly he doesn't seem to understand that he's smothering me with his family, I understand he lives with his dad and his dads girlfriend, but c'mon your mom and brother and all his other family is together just about everyday of his life; it's cool to me that they are so close, but he doesn't understand I want my own family= Him + Me... that's all. I want alone time more often than family time with his family... I honestly don't think that's too much to ask for since I am the only one who drives everywhere since his DUI. Plus his mom and dad treat his younger brother Eldon like the little golden child even though he's a piece of work who knocked a girl up and had a baby at 20 and is jobless; yet he still finds time to fuck everything with a vagina, that nasty little fuck can't stand his ugly ass... but like I said my poor boyfriend always tries so hard to please his parents so that he can be the golden child for a day, and I want to support the poor guy, but I can't because it's killing our relationship and I know it.

    I am also 22 years old and I live with my grandparents who hate him. The only difference between him and I is that I always try to put him first before myself or my family; unless of course my family has an emergency than they come first. I always want to see him, cuddle and hang out, and just go out and talk, you know! Get to know him, but he never wants to communicate! And when he does he's either overly harsh or overly vague about what he's trying to say and either I don't understand where he is trying to get at or I understand all too well because of how harshly he put it and I'm left in defense mode, starting to bitch and moan at him and be mad for like days... We just can't seem to be what each other needs, I need a real boyfriend and for him I feel like he needs a friend with benefits that is also a part time slave... and I just can't be that for him. He doesn't like to cuddle or do any of that gushy stuff he just like to sit on his pool deck and drink with his family in my presence.

    Not for nothing the sex is amazing, and he's fucking sexy; green eyes and curly dirty blonde hair, half black, half white he actually looks like James dean with a year round tan to me...lol, but our personality's just clash. It seems like we are only attracted to the physical aspects of each other and that's all. I guess I don't need to ask because I already Know what I should do, but I am going to anyways... Should I break up with him? How and why do you think I should or shouldn't? and if you think I should, how should I? Ignore him til he goes away, tell him straight up face to face or cause a scene in front of all his friends and family and come clean about everything I felt since the beginning!? icon_evil.gif
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    May 03, 2012 7:38 PM GMT
    SoleFireSiren saidtell him straight up face to face or cause a scene in front of all his friends and family and come clean about everything I felt since the beginning!? icon_evil.gif


    See, that's why I believe in mentioning these things as they happen rather than drop a bombshell of ALL the things that bothered you during the 5 months that you kept quiet about. If you do that...plan and expect on the relationship ending. Period. From experience...

    Just tell him about some of the things and then say, "if it doesn't start to change, I can't see this working out for me anymore". Don't say anything like that he's selfish alcoholic and verbally abusive. That's like pointing and scolding. Unless again, you want it to end after that.

    Being that it's only 5 months into the relationship and there is this much resentment going on, I'm doubtful about the structure and foundation of the relationship at this point. By now, 5 months is long enough that the emotional and spiritual drain has begun...and the longer you stay, the more toxic the tie will become.

    If you're determined to keep the relationship going, bring up these things...take a breather, then try again to see if anything has changed. If not, you know what to do.

  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    May 03, 2012 9:44 PM GMT
    Just a couple of observations. You say he's an alcoholic. Well, my advice there is to just end the relationship right there. Unless he has been in recovery and sober for a good long while, you will ALWAYS be on the losing end of that. And even if he does come to the realization that it's a problem, it will most likely only be after he's ruined everything worthwhile in his life.

    You mention that he's verbally abusive and disrespectful to you in front of others. That is also a reason to end this now. It is not normal, and shows that he's got a lot of deep-seated issues with anger and lack of empathy.

    Sounds to me like the classic ingredients for a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. Do you really want that? Do you need any other excuses to end this? You give plenty of reasons why you don't like him, but being an abusive drunk is the only reason you need to ditch this guy.
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    May 03, 2012 9:50 PM GMT
    I have a hunch that whenever someone posts this type of question on a forum message board that it's well past time to break up with the guy.
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    May 03, 2012 9:54 PM GMT
    SoleFireSiren saidI understand it's only five month's, but he's calling it a relationship, and It just feels like I'm his prisoner rather than his lover. He's selfish, alcoholic, verbally abusive and only 22.


    You could leave everything out but that. I think you should get out, get out fast, then thank your lucky stars that you got out as quickly as you did.
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    May 03, 2012 9:57 PM GMT
    Let's see now.....

    He doesn't show he loves you...
    He complains constantly...
    He puts you last...
    You feel like his prisoner...
    He's selfish...
    He's an alcoholic...
    He's verbally abusive...
    You have very little in common...
    Terrible sense of humor...
    Puts you down in front of family and friends...
    Lives with his Daddy...
    Can't drive because of his DUI...
    Your family hates him...
    Doesn't communicate...
    Speaks harshly to you...
    Doesn't like to cuddle...
    Not affectionate...

    Oh wait.....you say the sex is great? Well then, he sounds like a winner to me. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    May 03, 2012 10:38 PM GMT
    Let me tell you a little something about the alcoholic part. An eight-year co-worker of mine was with an alcoholic for 17 years (he was one of those guys who was able to stop drinking but apparently still had all the fucked up dynamics associated with being an active drunk).

    They divorced about a year ago and I swear it's like I work with a completely different person now! She's much more engaged, energetic and enthusiastic about life than ever before. And she's a hell of a lot more likable as a co-worker.

    Don't underestimate how fucked up alcoholics can make the people around them. Your post is a great example.

    Run, and run very fast.
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    May 03, 2012 10:48 PM GMT
    NC3athlete saidJust a couple of observations. You say he's an alcoholic. Well, my advice there is to just end the relationship right there. Unless he has been in recovery and sober for a good long while, you will ALWAYS be on the losing end of that. And even if he does come to the realization that it's a problem, it will most likely only be after he's ruined everything worthwhile in his life.

    You mention that he's verbally abusive and disrespectful to you in front of others. That is also a reason to end this now. It is not normal, and shows that he's got a lot of deep-seated issues with anger and lack of empathy.

    Sounds to me like the classic ingredients for a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. Do you really want that? Do you need any other excuses to end this? You give plenty of reasons why you don't like him, but being an abusive drunk is the only reason you need to ditch this guy.

    Concur
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    May 03, 2012 10:58 PM GMT
    And PLEASE don't fall into this trap:

    "I thought I could CHANGE him."

    I've seen so many friends say that after a bad relationship. A tiger doesn't change his stripes. Plus, at 22, you're both young and are learning what successful relationships are...and are not. Chalk it up to experience and get away..fast.
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    May 04, 2012 12:13 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidLet's see now.....

    He doesn't show he loves you...
    He complains constantly...
    He puts you last...
    You feel like his prisoner...
    He's selfish...
    He's an alcoholic...
    He's verbally abusive...
    You have very little in common...
    Terrible sense of humor...
    Puts you down in front of family and friends...
    Lives with his Daddy...
    Can't drive because of his DUI...
    Your family hates him...
    Doesn't communicate...
    Speaks harshly to you...
    Doesn't like to cuddle...
    Not affectionate...

    Oh wait.....you say the sex is great? Well then, he sounds like a winner to me. icon_rolleyes.gif


    I have to agree with this. Way too many people put too much into affection and cuddling. If the sex is really great, stick with the verbally abusive, alcoholic loser who lives with his enabling daddy. How could it go wrong?
  • WhoDey

    Posts: 561

    May 04, 2012 12:23 AM GMT
    You need to stop being so needy at 5 months, how can you want the family= you +him?...also try getting a sense of humour.
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    May 04, 2012 12:27 AM GMT
    It's clear to me that he is an awesome person and that you should not break up with him. Why would you break up with someone with so many redeeming qualities?
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    May 04, 2012 12:49 AM GMT
    That was way too many words to read. If you love him and want him, chase after him and take a sword with you to ward off any other hot guys who have figured out how hot he is. If he's not into you, and you're at home wondering why he's not there, it's because he's breaking your heart. We've all been there and we all were stunned into silence by the sudden abscence of him.
  • SoleFireSiren

    Posts: 14

    May 04, 2012 1:58 AM GMT
    Tallathlete24 said
    SoleFireSiren saidtell him straight up face to face or cause a scene in front of all his friends and family and come clean about everything I felt since the beginning!? icon_evil.gif


    See, that's why I believe in mentioning these things as they happen rather than drop a bombshell of ALL the things that bothered you during the 5 months that you kept quiet about. If you do that...plan and expect on the relationship ending. Period. From experience...


    Well I have been telling him about things when they happen he doesn't change so I am going to have to leave him I think
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    May 04, 2012 2:09 AM GMT
    I think it's time to cut your loses.
  • SoleFireSiren

    Posts: 14

    May 04, 2012 1:40 PM GMT
    AvadaKedavra saidI think it's time to cut your loses.


    icon_redface.gif I think your right...
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    May 04, 2012 2:49 PM GMT
    I think you know what to do...you just haven't had the courage to do it.
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    May 04, 2012 2:56 PM GMT
    DTMFA.
  • SoleFireSiren

    Posts: 14

    May 04, 2012 10:18 PM GMT
    AlphaTrigger saidDTMFA.



    I just now did... fucking loser....icon_cool.gif