Do we "come out" to be accepted or to change others?

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    May 06, 2012 2:36 AM GMT
    I think this question runs kind of deep for me. Am I revealing what could be considered a sexual advance towards society or does society need to know about it for what purpose? Conversation? Job Applications? Politics? Why? I have yet to understand why I need to "come out".
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    May 06, 2012 2:39 AM GMT
    I dunno, I guess it's to just let people know that you're interested in guys without them having to find a pic of you on facebook with your head in a guy's crotch in a gay bar.

    However I do long for a day where it'll just be the norm and you'll see guys and girls dating whoever and it won't even be an issue to anyone who dates who...
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    May 06, 2012 2:50 AM GMT
    I don't think there is a need to come out.

    I think the only people that should know are the people your closes to. It makes things a lot easier when you don't have to hide something that's such a big part of yourself.

    And some people need to just get off their chest from hiding it so long.

    But straight people don't go around telling people they have sex with the opposite sex. That's basically what gay people do when they tell everyone they're gay.

    I don't consider myself closeted or dl. But I don't tell anyone anymore, if they either figure it out on their own when they see I have no interest in woman and if their cool with it then great. If not oh well..
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    May 06, 2012 2:51 AM GMT
    I "came out" to be true to myself. It was certainly a harder path at times, but I feel better about myself and my life.
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    May 06, 2012 2:52 AM GMT
    MarkRoger saidI dunno, I guess it's to just let people know that you're interested in guys without them having to find a pic of you on facebook with your head in a guy's crotch in a gay bar.

    However I do long for a day where it'll just be the norm and you'll see guys and girls dating whoever and it won't even be an issue to anyone who dates who...


    lol, I am starting to realize I would have a better chance in meeting a gay if more people knew I was gay.

    It use to bug me that all the fem guys got hit on and asked out and no one ever asked me out. Being masculine is has its downsides. icon_lol.gif
  • tazzari

    Posts: 2937

    May 06, 2012 2:52 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidI "came out" to be true to myself. It was certainly a harder path at times, but I feel better about myself and my life.


    Hear, hear!

    And I know that because I came out, it has made life easier for some others.
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    May 06, 2012 2:59 AM GMT
    MarkRoger saidI dunno, I guess it's to just let people know that you're interested in guys without them having to find a pic of you on facebook with your head in a guy's crotch in a gay bar.


    But that is sort of like every man in the world having to come out to the world that we jack off, isn't it?


    However I do long for a day where it'll just be the norm and you'll see guys and girls dating whoever and it won't even be an issue to anyone who dates who...


    My point is that it's already the norm. NOBODY CARES and if they do, they get heat from the majority of straight people that really don't care.
  • DR2K

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    May 06, 2012 3:05 AM GMT
    I came out because living a lie weighs you down.
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    May 06, 2012 3:07 AM GMT
    Because it's impossible to hide a fundamental aspect of yourself without creating a deep sense of shame. And left unchecked, shame is one of the most damaging of all emotions.
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    May 06, 2012 3:15 AM GMT
    DR2K saidI came out because living a lie weighs you down.


    Silence is not lying about anything. I am all for being confronted with the need to reveal and perhaps even discuss being gay. That's about as far "out" I need to come with it. I don't know, I understand if it is in casual conversation; but I don't understand exploiting it and then suggesting it's just "coming out." Sure it is part of who we are, but I have a feeling there are much worse kept secrets that are really at work here. I could be over examining the issue because clearly "coming out" seems to be this BIG issue.
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    May 06, 2012 3:18 AM GMT
    It's different for everyone though.

    Not telling others about your lifestyle doesnt make you a liar.

    Lying about what you're really doing in with your lifestyle makes you a liar.

    Downlow and Discreet.
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    May 06, 2012 3:25 AM GMT
    I came out because I felt as if i was living under an unnecessary anvil that could drop at any minute because being closeted meant i had a secret and there was some shame in it and from my early childhood i never liked the feeling that someone else, most of all god, had any control over me. Secrets can become oppression tools so at 16 i said "Fuck that" came out and absolutely everything in my immediate life is transparent.


    I often notice some men think coming out means disclosing your private life.. or are being willfully ignorant of simply not denying your sexuality when asked and not purposefully suppressing such versus the cartoonish idea christians get via the Media amplification of gay pride parades and trannies and drag queens in high heels and leather daddies of "Flaunting" ones sexuality. The misconception is that what is seen on carefully chosen photographs of pride parades equals coming out. The reality is that is the minority of gay men.. and most gay men come "out" and live "out" in quieter ways...such as just acknowledging they have a male partner at home waiting for them when a meeting at work runs a little too long.

    Roku saidIt's different for everyone though.

    Not telling others about your lifestyle doesnt make you a liar.

    Lying about what you're really doing in with your lifestyle makes you a liar.

    Downlow and Discreet.


    I'm going to have to call that bullshit.. because there will come a time.. it happens daily when someone will wonder who you dating- why aren't you married-Are you having children? and the list of incidental daily inquires that will reveal your sexuality goes on and on. And if you are "down low" (white people call it closeted.) ...hahaha... um.. you are going to LIE. If you did not lie that would negate the point of being "down low"/

    Every closeted guy thinks that logic will fly or makes sense.. and it does to lazy people... or straight people. Not to someone who is out of closet.
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    May 06, 2012 3:32 AM GMT
    JackKash saidI came out because I felt as if i was living under an unnecessary anvil that could drop at any minute because being closeted meant i had a secret and there was some shame in it and from my early childhood i never liked the feeling that someone else, most of all god, had any control over me. Secrets can become oppression tools so at 16 i said "Fuck that" came out and absolutely everything in my immediate life is transparent.


    I often notice some men think coming out means disclosing your private life.. or are being willfully ignorant of simply not denying your sexuality when asked and not purposefully suppressing such versus the cartoonish idea christian get via the Media amplification of gay pride parades and trannies and drag queens in high heels and leather daddies of "Flaunting" ones sexuality. The misconception is that what is seen on carefully chosen photographs of pride parades equals coming out. The reality is that is the minority of gay men.. and most gay men come "out" and live "out" in quieter ways...such as just acknowledging they have a male partner at home waiting for them when a meeting at work runs a little too long.


    I can relate to growing up and sometimes straight guys would play with me about the gay thing. I didn't know at the time they were just playing and were not out to hurt me. Now that would have been a good moment of "coming out" for me because it was necessary at the time. There could have been way more joy in the moment if I felt like I could be myself. I am for it, but still in some instances I find myself against it.
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    May 06, 2012 3:33 AM GMT
    Do we "come out" to be accepted or to change others?

    I came out to myself to end the internal conflict in which I had been living. I later came out publicly to help other GLBT.

    I've told this story before here: one day I accidentally wore a gay logo polo shirt to a college class. Afterwards, a lesbian student came up to thank me. I had no idea why, until she pointed out my shirt to me. She said my "example" had made her less afraid on that campus, glad to know she wasn't alone, that I had the "guts" to be so openly out. Guts indeed - the shirt was a mistake! I got her in touch with the faculty advisor for GLBT students.

    Afterwards I made my "gayness" far more obvious on campus, and wore other gay things. Not because I was into flaunting to please myself, I'm really rather private, but to throw out lifelines to other scared and isolated gay students. Young people I never dreamed might need my help, until that student approached me that day.

    It really changed my whole attitude about why, if I could afford to be publicly out, I SHOULD be publicly out. Not to irritate and annoy the straights, or to amuse myself, but to give comfort, hope and assurance to fellow gays. Do consider doing it yourselves, because there are many gays who are closeted due to fear, and your courageous example could help them.
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    May 06, 2012 3:39 AM GMT
    Art_Deco saidDo we "come out" to be accepted or to change others?

    I came out to myself to end the internal conflict in which I had been living. I later came out publicly to help other GLBT.

    I've told this story before here: one day I accidentally wore a gay logo polo shirt to a college class. Afterwards, a lesbian student came up to thank me. I had no idea why, until she pointed out my shirt to me. She said my "example" had made her less afraid on that campus, glad to know she wasn't alone, that I had the "guts" to be so openly out. Guts indeed - the shirt was a mistake! I got her in touch with the faculty advisor for GLBT students.

    Afterwards I made my "gayness" far more obvious on campus, and wore other gay things. Not because I was into flaunting to please myself, I'm really rather private, but to throw out lifelines to other scared and isolated gay students. Young people I never dreamed might need my help, until that student approached me that day.

    It really changed my whole attitude about why, if I could afford to be publicly out, I SHOULD be publicly out. Not to irritate and annoy the straights, but to give comfort, hope and assurance to fellow gays. Do consider doing it yourselves, because there are many gays who are closeted due to fear, and your courageous example could help them.


    That really is a nice story. I guess what bothers me about stories a bit more the opposite than yours, is that straight people honestly begin to feel as though you are out to have sex with them right there that same moment of you "coming out". Sure they should look at it differently, but maybe it takes trusting yourself in a situation to tell it if you feel you HAVE to in order to better understand the situation you are in the middle of. I guess the moral of the story is: yes it is a deadly secret, but so is the rest of the conscience.
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    May 06, 2012 3:40 AM GMT
    Me personally. Depending on who the person is and my mood at the time, I wouldn't lie.. icon_lol.gif

    But I really don't live a lifestyle to hide... so I guess my opinion about it doesn't matter.
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    May 06, 2012 3:43 AM GMT
    Roku saidMe personally. Depending on who the person is and my mood at the time, I wouldn't lie.. icon_lol.gif

    But I really don't live a lifestyle to hide... so I guess my opinion about it doesn't matter.


    Your opinion matters. Your freedom is the perfect example of what I am driving at. More people should feel the same way you do. But they are confined to the need they have to randomly decide to come out to the world all at once.
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    May 06, 2012 3:51 AM GMT
    Sustenance saidThat really is a nice story. I guess what bothers me about stories a bit more the opposite than yours, is that straight people honestly begin to feel as though you are out to have sex with them right there that same moment of you "coming out". Sure they should look at it differently, but maybe it takes trusting yourself in a situation to tell it if you feel you HAVE to in order to better understand the situation you are in the middle of. I guess the moral of the story is: yes it is a deadly secret, but so is the rest of the conscience.

    Thanks. But your post confuses me.

    I'm not sure since coming out that any straight people have ever thought I had a sexual interest in them, if that's what you mean. I have the ability to throw up walls that no one tries to cross, and that they know I also won't cross. It likewise works in the gay world, when I want some guy to back off when I'm not interested.

    So I remain puzzled by your meaning. icon_question.gif
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    May 06, 2012 3:55 AM GMT
    Art_Deco said
    Sustenance saidThat really is a nice story. I guess what bothers me about stories a bit more the opposite than yours, is that straight people honestly begin to feel as though you are out to have sex with them right there that same moment of you "coming out". Sure they should look at it differently, but maybe it takes trusting yourself in a situation to tell it if you feel you HAVE to in order to better understand the situation you are in the middle of. I guess the moral of the story is: yes it is a deadly secret, but so is the rest of the conscience.

    Thanks. But your post confuses me.

    I'm not sure since coming out that any straight people have ever thought I had a sexual interest in them, if that's what you mean. I have the ability to throw up walls that no one tries to cross, and that they know I also won't cross. It likewise works in the gay world, when I want some guy to back off when I'm not interested.

    So I remain puzzled by your meaning. icon_question.gif



    I'm questioning if some of these guys coming out are pulling people off to the side at dinner time or as they are coming out of the shower and telling them, "I feel guilty not telling you I'm gay." So he says "guilty for what?" What then shall be the answer? You are now caught in the middle of another secret, aren't you?icon_lol.gif
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    May 06, 2012 4:28 AM GMT
    Roku said
    MarkRoger saidI dunno, I guess it's to just let people know that you're interested in guys without them having to find a pic of you on facebook with your head in a guy's crotch in a gay bar.

    However I do long for a day where it'll just be the norm and you'll see guys and girls dating whoever and it won't even be an issue to anyone who dates who...


    lol, I am starting to realize I would have a better chance in meeting a gay if more people knew I was gay.

    It use to bug me that all the fem guys got hit on and asked out and no one ever asked me out. Being masculine is has its downsides. icon_lol.gif


    Yeah well I guess that's why they invented gay bars/RJ... icon_razz.gif