I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but what should I do about this?

  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    May 06, 2012 11:06 AM GMT
    A friend from high school that I see regularly came and hung out at the club I work at tonight. When I got home, this message was sent to me on Facebook: The names were changed to protect the innocent (and guilty).

    "Andrew,

    I don't know what to do. This may be overstepping the boundaries of our friendship but I need to talk to someone. I'm desperately unhappy. Something set me off tonite. I was hanging out at your bar and you served this guy a drink and his friend said "That bartender would be cute if he didn't have that limp." It brought me down that guys are that shallow and how I have faced similiar ridicule or rejection. Thats what my problem is, I hate being gay. I'm not ashamed of who I am, I jsut feel alone. I haven't been out on a real date in years. Guys flake, don't call or like that last one, start dating someone else. I dont know what to do. Im getting older, I see wrinkes and sags where there once were none. I go to the gym 3-4 times a week but its not enough. The 6s are looking for 10s. it pisses me off that [mutual friend] treats these guys so badly and they just let him because hes pretty. He doesnt even break up with one before hes moved onto the next. Its what makes me sick about this community. Im 32 and i'm alone. My friends from college and highschool are married and having kids and I can't do any of that because I can't even find a guy to go out with me more than once. You work around gays, you know how it is. I feel utterly alone and it makes me sad all the time. I'm not going to do anything to hurt myself but recently i've come to understand why [mutual friend] did. You just want the pain to stop and to stop being sad all the time. And theres nothing you can do, its all in the hands of fate. This might be overstepping so if you want to just ignore this and pretend it never was sent then please do. Your friend [name]



    I responded that I didn't feel comfortable talking on here and asked him to stop in tomorrow early when its slow and we could go into it further. Your thoughts guys?
  • turtleneckjoc...

    Posts: 4685

    May 06, 2012 5:44 PM GMT
    Maybe this happens in other areas, however, this goes on in my city all the time. I can identify with your friend.

    Where I live, the emphasis is on youth, drop dead gorgeous looks and absolute perfection in every way. If you are something less, then you are kicked to the curb before getting an opportunity. There are some in the gay (and straight) community that search hard for every imperfection first in order to eliminate someone. That isn't just from dating or relationship-seeking. That happens in who receives better service in a restaurant or who is promoted in a business setting. "Shallow" isn't just defined to the gay community.

    Here, it's best if you get your man first then work on career aspirations. I chose career first and have suffered from that socially. Sometimes it bothers me--a lot. Sometimes it doesn't. I have learned that "being alone" isn't the end of the world, however, it would be nice to have a date, some respect, or even to be included.

    The exclusion hurts the most, I'll admit.

    Please tell your friend to befriend the bartender with the "limp" as people with limps need friends and love as well. I feel for that bartender. I am him sometimes.......
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    May 06, 2012 5:51 PM GMT

    " I was hanging out at your bar and you served this guy a drink and his friend said "That bartender would be cute if he didn't have that limp."


    Straights can be much much worse to each other than this.

    Tell your friend that the guy who said that did him a favour; he now knows a shallow man to avoid.

    icon_wink.gif

    -Doug
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    May 06, 2012 5:53 PM GMT
    Perhaps he's just not comfortable with where he's found himself.

    He's only 32 but he's already paying too much attention (in my attention) to his looks, as evidenced by his complaining of wrinkles and the focus on going to the gym 3-4 times/week but not being satisfied with his "results".

    He hasn't been on a real date in years. I ask his question - has he truly put himself out there or going through easier avenues that provide places to hide behind and validate his lack of self-worth?

    If he mentions that "gay guys always seem to be shallow", you could gently remind him that it's the same in the hetero world as well; you'll always find a good chunk of people putting looks over everything but there are always those who don't put as much weight into those criteria.

    Could he be depressed, given some of the wording he's chosen? Perhaps...but who am I to say anything about that? I know nothing about your friend and his situation.

    He needs to put more effort into himself, in my own opinion. Suggest to him that he needs to focus on himself and his desires right now. What makes him happy or accomplished? He should set forth towards those. And in doing so, guys will notice this upbeat, confident, and successful guy and be drawn in to him. Nothing more interesting than that.
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    May 06, 2012 5:53 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    " I was hanging out at your bar and you served this guy a drink and his friend said "That bartender would be cute if he didn't have that limp."


    Straights can be much much worse to each other than this.

    Tell your friend that the guy who said that did him a favour; he now knows a shallow man to avoid.

    icon_wink.gif

    -Doug


    this. And at 32 he shouldnt be freaking out so much. He sounds really needy.
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    May 06, 2012 6:03 PM GMT
    Haha "the 6's are looking for 10's". I've noticed that among guys also. You should just do your best to listen to him man. He sounds very unhappy.
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    May 06, 2012 6:26 PM GMT
    Therapy?? Counseling??

    There's more to it than the loneliness. There are a lot of underlying issues such as low self-esteem, abandonment issues, etc which I don't know, And those aren't your issues. Maybe refer him to a professional? icon_rolleyes.gif

    From reading between the lines, all I see are Me, me, me, I, I, I, Myself, Myself, Myself, Why can't I get this? Why can't I get that? Why is the world unfair? Though he says he doesn't like self-interested people, he is focusing a lot on his individual wants and what he doesn't have.

    Shallowness is not inherently a gay world's trait, doesn't it also exhibit a lot more in a heterosexual community? In fact, it's so rampant in a heterosexual world, that it is starting to become a norm for older guys to date girls 10-20 years younger than them and for older women to date younger guys. Why is there such a high divorce rate, more than 50% within the first 5 years if it's only relevant to the gay community?
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    May 06, 2012 6:38 PM GMT
    I had a similar, tough talk with my mom about being gay in general - she isn't a homophobe at all - she told me I'll be unhappy and alone. And as much as I want to battle against things like that, her pessimistic view has something to it... he'll never truly be alone (I hope) and happiness is just a state of mind. He should focus on himself, but in a character and person-developing way, and not think so much about finding someone. Tell him to try to find things to do that he'll love, and people may or may not come along with them.
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    May 06, 2012 7:48 PM GMT
    He is depressed and is blaming his loneliness on the actions of others. The thing is, it is his belief in loneliness that is keeping him lonely. The concept is a self-fulfilling prophesy. If he keeps his unconscious belief about the gay community and about himself, the universe is simply going to reflect that back to him.

    He might need to invest in some therapy to possibly get through this. Sometimes it just requires a little help from a therapist or drug to get over the hump of depression. A change of perception can change what happens in the physical world.

    Make sure to let him know that him being gay is not the issue or cause of his loneliness. If he were straight, he would be experiencing the same thing within the straight community. The issue lies in his unconscious beliefs about himself.

    I am young, in school, and definitely not ready for a life partner right now. I'm just too busy. So I can only imagine how he feels to be getting older and not have someone to share his life with. Recognize and appreciate what he is feeling.

    Be a good listener, but know that just listening to him won't change much. He has to make a conscious change in himself to decide to love himself for who he is and to be ready for a life partner. Changing one's consciousness is the hardest thing to do in this life.
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    May 06, 2012 7:49 PM GMT
    Bar culture...not always the best yardstick to measure a group, either gay or hetero.
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    May 06, 2012 7:55 PM GMT
    Shallowness, stupidity and insensitivity are cross-cultural and cross-national traits.