Friends who aren't comfortable with your sexuality

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 06, 2012 8:12 PM GMT
    Hi, this is my first post so hello everyone !! I'm very happy to have found this website ! icon_biggrin.gif


    I don't know if you all went through this , but here's the thing : There are friends that I made when I was in the middle of sorting out my sexuality and coming out to everyone , and I've grown very attached to them, they're basically like brothers and sisters right now.

    Since they didn't react badly when I came out to them, I assumed that they would be supportive and help me feel better about myself.

    But, instead it kind of became a taboo between us. Like I've become this sort of asexual friend and I hate it. I'm embarassed if I talk about guys I like because I don't see any sign of encouragement from their part. They told me they won't go to gay bars cause they wouldn't feel comfortable . Last year, I dated a guy for a while and not once did they ask about how it was going.

    And the most frustrating thing is that everytime we would talk about it, they would act as if I was the one asking for too much.

    Right, so now I got everything out, but the thing I love them very much, and we still have a LOT of fun together. We understand each other except for this one thing.
    That's why I can't just toss them aside and look for other friends , just like you wouldn't toss your family aside.

    So has any of you guys been through the same experience. If so, how did you handle it ?
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    May 06, 2012 8:54 PM GMT
    Those are called associates... not friends. icon_sad.gif

    As hard as it is... you need to make some gay friends and keep your gay life separate.
  • el_pdm

    Posts: 23

    May 06, 2012 9:09 PM GMT
    It's a tough one to answer I feel. I don't want to be unnecessarily tough on your friends or give you false hope things will improve.

    I don't think you need to cut them out your live. This seems too far and it appears you don't want to lose them. Why would you? As you say they have been a great support.

    But for the next steps in your life you may need some other people too.

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    May 06, 2012 9:27 PM GMT
    Roku saidThose are called associates... not friends. icon_sad.gif

    As hard as it is... you need to make some gay friends and keep your gay life separate.
    Pretty much.
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    May 06, 2012 9:41 PM GMT
    You have to realize straight men are not going to encourage something they themselves wouldn't do or are uncomfortable relating to doing.

    I have two male best friends of 20 years now who are both straight. One of them takes my sexuality very lightly while the other (they are also very close to one another) you would almost think is a traditional right-winged conservative.

    What's funny is I am way more close to the conservative one who seems very unresponsive towards it (he is not against it). The liberal one tends to be somewhat distant from me because he is very much a spiritualist with many friends in high places. In other words, we don't have time for each other as much.

    You have to allow leeway for people. Neither one of my friends would expect me to encourage them to have sex with a female, I don't even know what that is. I can't expect them to encourage me to have sex with a guy.

    What it really boils down to is if something was hurting me, they would listen. If something totally exciting happened, they would listen. The point is you are cared for and I personally value someone who cares for me rather than put people on pedestals because we have something sexual in common.

    Be fair towards your friends because it sounds to me like they are being fair to you. Don't be a Danny Downer in search of validation all your life because eventually nobody will respond to you. Be a good friend and lift them up when you have the power to.

    They know when you need help on the subject matter. They may just approach things differently though than what you would expect and that is the wonderful thing about having friends who are different as well as the same. Who wants an ethnocentric answer to the meaning of life? Not me.
  • prototype

    Posts: 194

    May 06, 2012 10:24 PM GMT
    I would say get gay friends or girl friends.

    My straight friends I love dearly but there's things we don't discuss cause honestly I don't want to ask them about who is hot and hookups etc...

    We all know the score and we like the lines we've drawn!

    But to talk about advice in relationships is another thing! If they want to talk about issues they have (nonsexually) then I listen and vice versa!

    So I would say just throw them a bone and actually talk to them about how you feel!

    And if you gotta let something out...well there is a bunch of guys on this site that will help you out! icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 06, 2012 10:25 PM GMT
    You guys are doing a lot of generalization about straight people, and you'd be pissed as hell if the conversation was reversed. Almost all of my friends are straight males and they are VERY accommodating and sensitive to my personal life.

    I have one question for the OP: Are your straight friends religious at all? If so, that could be your answer right there. If not, they may just not have other gay friends and may need a little friendly nudging in the direction of your needs. Not sure that asking them to go to gay bars with you is such a fair thing to ask though because gay bars tend to be very much segregated. You'll find lots of gay people in "straight" bars but not too many straight men in gay bars, and I'm sure they know that, which could make them uncomfortable, and rightly so.
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    May 06, 2012 10:32 PM GMT
    Scruffypup saidYou guys are doing a lot of generalization about straight people, and you'd be pissed as hell if the conversation was reversed. Almost all of my friends are straight males and they are VERY accommodating and sensitive to my personal life.



    Or it could also be a lot of generalization about gay people. I am very low maintenance when it comes to my sexuality. I am also very high maintenance when it comes to my religious morals. Perhaps you might be overgeneralizing religious people. I go to a Christian church where nobody confines me to hell. Hell is a manmade creation in my opinion. I am Religious Scientist so I am sort of free in any religion I desire to be a part of. Religion can be beautiful. It's people that make it sound ugly.
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    May 06, 2012 10:35 PM GMT
    Sustenance said
    Scruffypup saidYou guys are doing a lot of generalization about straight people, and you'd be pissed as hell if the conversation was reversed. Almost all of my friends are straight males and they are VERY accommodating and sensitive to my personal life.



    Or it could also be a lot of generalization about gay people. I am very low maintenance when it comes to my sexuality. I am also very high maintenance when it comes to my religious morals. Perhaps you might be overgeneralizing religious people. I go to a Christian church where nobody confines me to hell. Hell is a manmade creation in my opinion. I am Religious Scientist so I am sort of free in any religion I desire to be a part of. Religion can be beautiful. It's people that make it sound ugly.


    That's true....they could be generalizing about gay people.

    I used to attend The Church of Religious Science, and I found the people there were extremely open minded. Not sure if that's the same as "Religious Scientist." Do your friends you speak of attend this church too?
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    May 06, 2012 10:38 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    Sustenance said
    Scruffypup saidYou guys are doing a lot of generalization about straight people, and you'd be pissed as hell if the conversation was reversed. Almost all of my friends are straight males and they are VERY accommodating and sensitive to my personal life.



    Or it could also be a lot of generalization about gay people. I am very low maintenance when it comes to my sexuality. I am also very high maintenance when it comes to my religious morals. Perhaps you might be overgeneralizing religious people. I go to a Christian church where nobody confines me to hell. Hell is a manmade creation in my opinion. I am Religious Scientist so I am sort of free in any religion I desire to be a part of. Religion can be beautiful. It's people that make it sound ugly.


    That's true....they could be generalizing about gay people.

    I used to attend The Church of Religious Science, and I found the people there were extremely open minded. Not sure if that's the same as "Religious Scientist." Do your friends you speak of attend this church too?


    Yep, that's us! They have sort of expanded to a newer name, but they still evolve based upon Ernest Holmes' teachings. I found freedom to think and feel as necessary because of that book.

    EDIT: My friends don't attend church. But if they did attend church I know it would be for the right reasons, not to compare themselves to the outside world.
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    May 06, 2012 10:45 PM GMT
    Sustenance said
    Scruffypup said
    Sustenance said
    Scruffypup saidYou guys are doing a lot of generalization about straight people, and you'd be pissed as hell if the conversation was reversed. Almost all of my friends are straight males and they are VERY accommodating and sensitive to my personal life.



    Or it could also be a lot of generalization about gay people. I am very low maintenance when it comes to my sexuality. I am also very high maintenance when it comes to my religious morals. Perhaps you might be overgeneralizing religious people. I go to a Christian church where nobody confines me to hell. Hell is a manmade creation in my opinion. I am Religious Scientist so I am sort of free in any religion I desire to be a part of. Religion can be beautiful. It's people that make it sound ugly.


    That's true....they could be generalizing about gay people.

    I used to attend The Church of Religious Science, and I found the people there were extremely open minded. Not sure if that's the same as "Religious Scientist." Do your friends you speak of attend this church too?


    Yep, that's us! They have sort of expanded to a newer name, but they still evolve based upon Ernest Holmes' teachings. I found freedom to think and feel as necessary because of that book.

    EDIT: My friends don't attend church. But if they did attend church I know it would be for the right reasons, not to compare themselves to the outside world.


    I'm not very religious, but if they had that church where I currently live I'd go there in a second. It felt odd even calling it a "church" in my opinion. Great energy there and zero guilt!

    I would have a sit-down conversation with your friends and tell them how you feel and see if they might can give you some feedback.
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    May 06, 2012 10:53 PM GMT
    Scruffypup said
    Sustenance said
    Scruffypup said
    Sustenance said
    Scruffypup saidYou guys are doing a lot of generalization about straight people, and you'd be pissed as hell if the conversation was reversed. Almost all of my friends are straight males and they are VERY accommodating and sensitive to my personal life.



    Or it could also be a lot of generalization about gay people. I am very low maintenance when it comes to my sexuality. I am also very high maintenance when it comes to my religious morals. Perhaps you might be overgeneralizing religious people. I go to a Christian church where nobody confines me to hell. Hell is a manmade creation in my opinion. I am Religious Scientist so I am sort of free in any religion I desire to be a part of. Religion can be beautiful. It's people that make it sound ugly.


    That's true....they could be generalizing about gay people.

    I used to attend The Church of Religious Science, and I found the people there were extremely open minded. Not sure if that's the same as "Religious Scientist." Do your friends you speak of attend this church too?


    Yep, that's us! They have sort of expanded to a newer name, but they still evolve based upon Ernest Holmes' teachings. I found freedom to think and feel as necessary because of that book.

    EDIT: My friends don't attend church. But if they did attend church I know it would be for the right reasons, not to compare themselves to the outside world.


    I'm not very religious, but if they had that church where I currently live I'd go there in a second. It felt odd even calling it a "church" in my opinion. Great energy there and zero guilt!

    I would have a sit-down conversation with your friends and tell them how you feel and see if they might can give you some feedback.


    They know how I feel... We say "I love you" and "I love you too" once in awhile depending on the purpose of the conversation. My best friends are really special people.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 07, 2012 12:03 AM GMT
    I don't think you need to keep your gay life separate, like someone else said. You should make some new friends that you know are extra supportive and not just tolerant. Real friends will back you up no matter what. It's easier said then done but maybe join some sort of club or group or just something new. New friends don't have to be gay to be supportive.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 07, 2012 12:19 AM GMT
    ..... aren't friends.
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    May 07, 2012 12:23 AM GMT
    Friends are those who will tell you THEIR truth, not just what you want to hear. I would never expect my friends to change a thing for me, but only to change for themselves. That has always been my moral with regards to friendship. The rest is fun and laughter all the way beyond the borders of sanity.icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 07, 2012 1:02 AM GMT
    JPtheBITCH saidMy dear friend Lisa is a minister in Religious Science.
    They don't have any problems with gays at all.


    Yes, they tend to be very socially liberal.icon_smile.gif
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    May 07, 2012 8:29 AM GMT
    Sorry that your friends aren’t so receptive, I can understand if they would be uncomfortable joining you to a gay bar but to not ask you how your new relationship is going is a bit weird, unless of course they are the kind of guys who don't talk about relationships anyway, gay or straight.

    I have the 'problem' of having my straight guy friends wanting us to all go to a gay bar together. The problem there is they relentlessly try to play matchmaker and pair me off with some random dude. They are getting better at understanding my taste, but it's still embarrassing as hell.

    It's important to have those type of friends in your life to talk to about relationship stuff, not everyone can full fill all aspects of what you need, so the only advice I can give is keep your current friends, but do what others are saying, make some new friends who you can talk to about relationship stuff with.
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    May 08, 2012 6:52 AM GMT
    Great advice everyone thank you !!! icon_biggrin.gif