How long does being disowned last?

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    May 07, 2012 11:03 PM GMT
    After years of living for my family, taking care of them, financially supporting some of them, and being the good son that they wanted me to be, i finally came out to my father then my mother a week later. After a few days my father sent me an e-mail telling me that i was "like a son that he was so proud of when i entered the AirForce but is now dead to him". He told me never to contact him again and that i wasn't invited to his wedding. My mother just stopped talking cause she doesn't know what to say except that the bible says i am going to hell.

    How long will this last? i mean i am fine emotionally but i would like anyone's opinion on whether i should try to involve them in my life, either now or in the future.
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    May 07, 2012 11:11 PM GMT
    Hard to say how long it will take. We all process information differently. Give them time. Leave them be for awhile. They may never fully accept that you're gay but I'm guessing they won't be able to cut you out of their lives forever.
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    May 07, 2012 11:13 PM GMT
    Honestly, just move on for now. They're the ones missing out.
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    May 07, 2012 11:15 PM GMT
    unfounded7 saidHard to say how long it will take. We all process information differently. Give them time. Leave them be for awhile. They may never fully accept that you're gay but I'm guessing they won't be able to cut you out of their lives forever.


    This stay in contact with your sibilings via email phone. Don't forget to explore the world and have fun while you go through this.
  • Pontifex

    Posts: 1882

    May 07, 2012 11:15 PM GMT
    It might be tough but I'd leave them alone for a while. If they really love you they'll come to their senses. Do you have any siblings that can talk to them?
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    May 07, 2012 11:21 PM GMT
    well i only have 2 adult and 1 teenage and 4 kid siblings. i am not worried so much about having to take care of them cause if anything were to happen to me my military life insurance would solve any money problems. i still stay in contact with my siblings and the rest of my family, just not my parents.
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    May 07, 2012 11:24 PM GMT
    I would work on forming a new family of friends and those family that want to support you. Loss of this type is always hard, they may come around, they may not, so you need to move ahead with your life and make the best of it. It would be hard for me to ever trust someone again, who did this. I for sure would not be giving them any more money and/or supporting them.
  • GWriter

    Posts: 1446

    May 07, 2012 11:40 PM GMT
    It's hard to believe people can still react that way to their own son.
    Best of luck to you.
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    May 07, 2012 11:55 PM GMT
    It is hard on your parents because they sincerely believe you have decided to be evil and that is the difficult part. Give them time, hopefully their love for you will make them open their eyes a bit more and try to understand you better. They might end up being exposed to information about what being gay really means rather than what theyre being taught in church.
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    May 07, 2012 11:58 PM GMT
    charlitos saidIt is hard on your parents because they sincerely believe you have decided to be evil and that is the difficult part. Give them time, hopefully their love for you will make them open their eyes a bit more and try to understand you better. They might end up being exposed to information about what being gay really means rather than what theyre being taught in church.


    wow u make it seem like i have just now decided to join the Legion of Doom or something. lol icon_twisted.gif "Blast, how did he know"
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    May 08, 2012 12:14 AM GMT
    that is hilarious i literally laughed out loud
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    May 08, 2012 12:20 AM GMT
    I hate to break it to you, but this is going to last for nearly forever at the earliest.
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    May 08, 2012 12:31 AM GMT
    Yourname that was hilarious! Did that Doctor ever reply to that?
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    May 08, 2012 12:34 AM GMT
    Well no, i am single. i am not angry at my dad or my mother. i love them both dearly even if they don't feel the same. i am just disappointed in them.
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    May 08, 2012 12:36 AM GMT
    How long does being disowned last?

    "Disowned" is both a legal term and a non-legal term used in the vernacular.

    In the legal sense, disownment primarily means disinheritance. It lasts for as long as the legal instrument which orders it endures, which can exceed the natural lives of the concerned parties. Most commonly this takes the form of a last will and testament, and involves the disinheritance of property, assets and other items of value to which the disowned person(s) had previously been the heir(s) or otherwise entitled.

    The looser non-legal sense of disownment is more akin to a family estrangement, of any duration subject to the whims of the persons choosing to disown others. It may include denial of family access and communications, blocking of family resources, denial of parentage or other familial relationship, and other elements of social separation.
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    May 08, 2012 12:43 AM GMT
    First of all, sorry that you got this reaction from your folks. That's really harsh!

    As others have said, probably best to hang back for now and focus on your life and your friends. We have no choice as to our family of origin, but we can build our own family over time.

    Be patient with them ... and especially yourself.
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    May 08, 2012 12:59 AM GMT
    It's different for everyone, its been 7 years and I'm still waiting....

    Sometimes you can do all you want to try to get them to come around but don't count on it. Be happy and don't lose hope icon_smile.gif
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    May 08, 2012 1:35 AM GMT
    I feel for you dude. I knew a guy when I was at FSU in the early 90's who came home one day to find his stuf fon the lawn. And a girl whose parents found out she was a lesbian and came and took everything out of her apartment, even though she ahd paid for it all--she had to take her parents to court to get i back. The religious groups in this country have damaged people deeply with the ingrained notions of how things should go.

    If your parents are THAT ungrateful after all you've done for them, then perhaps they have done you a favor. Who are they going to call on next time they need money? Certainly not you. It is sad when families do things like that to their children, but the only thing you can do is move on with your life and hope your brothers and sisters are more accepting and that they may bear influence over your parents (especially your father) to get their heads out of their asses. My mother tired the religion card on me one time, and I cut her off and didn't come home for Christmas that year. She got the point very quickly, decided she'd rather have me in her life, and has tolerated my being gay ever since.
  • Karnage

    Posts: 704

    May 08, 2012 2:32 AM GMT
    First off, I would say ignore the people who tell you to forget your family. You only have one set of parents, and they aren't people you should give up on so easily.

    I don't have any personal experience with disownment, but I would recommend not being active in the way you keep them in your life. Maybe send them cards for important holidays and events, let them know of any change of address or phone number, etc, but don't actively try to stay in touch with them. Hopefully they'll see that you are trying to respect them but still want to be a part of their lives.
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    May 08, 2012 2:34 AM GMT
    It will last until the disowners decide to own again. I think your parents have made a terrible decision. Their actions are deplorable and they are losing out. If they love you they would be able to overcome their dissapointment and accept you. Maybe they will come around and see the light. Hopefully.
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    May 08, 2012 2:37 AM GMT
    LuckyCharms saidWell no, i am single. i am not angry at my dad or my mother. i love them both dearly even if they don't feel the same. i am just disappointed in them.

    Maybe you should write them a letter that says exactly that. Point out your love and support despite the hypocrisy.

    A good dose of guilt will do them well.
  • Medjai

    Posts: 2671

    May 08, 2012 2:40 AM GMT
    I'm going on 5 years now. Don't get your hopes up, especially if they have religion on their side...
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    May 08, 2012 2:43 AM GMT
    yourname8000 saidSeems like an appropriate place for this.....

    tumblr_m3kcy6xxti1qh9iuvo1_1280.jpg

    Dont buy a Canadian! You can't get a decent day's work out of them. They spend all their time griping about american politics.
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    May 08, 2012 2:56 AM GMT
    There isn't a time table for people's thoughts and emotions, or beliefs. Sometimes things get better, sometimes they get worse, if you're lucky things never change... I've got a mix of support and "hatred of my sin" in my family. Sometimes, relationships change. You have to get ready to deal with never talking to your parents again; but never stop hoping for the best. Someday, they'll come around. Another thing; you can't expect that the things you've done for your family are the reasons they loved you. You're their son, loving you is as easy as breathing air. If they choose to put their beliefs above that irreplaceable love and bond; that is their lose, and you will have to learn to deal with that on your own. They'll have to learn to see passed their religion if they're ever going to accept you back in their lives. Seeing family struggle with this before I realized I was gay was heart wrenching and puzzling as hell. Don't force reason onto them. Just continue to be the awesome person that you are. Be successful, find a partner, buy a house and car, live your passions and make the world around you a happier place. Do it for yourself. I'm sorry for the pain you must be feeling. My eyes are watering.

    /HUGS*
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    May 08, 2012 3:03 AM GMT
    yourname8000 saidSeems like an appropriate place for this.....

    tumblr_m3kcy6xxti1qh9iuvo1_1280.jpg
    Omg, this calmed me down. I commited almost every sin that would've had me put to death, at least 50 times today... but my favorite law that I do keep is, "to love my fellow man, as I love myself". icon_biggrin.gif