I understand where you are coming from. A lot of us do, having been there ourselves. The majority of gays that have self-destructive feelings experience them not due to a lack of social acceptance, but a lack of self-acceptance. For many, the source of this lack of self-acceptance doesn't come from the fact that we don't want to be gay because we want kids and a family, but from the notion that we are living in sin, apart from God's will. In so, simply being ourselves is against what we know to be the source of life and the basis of everything that we are; however, this doesn't have to be the case.
I was pretty torn up about my identity for a number of years. I had a lot of self-hatred and anguish due to the way I had turned out. Much of this was religiously based, and the same goes for many others. I was raised pretty conservatively Christian in the South, so I had a lot working against me. During a few sermons homosexuality was condemned and most of my friends were openly anti-gay. I projected the ministers' interpretations and the immature behavior of my friends to be God's view of homosexuality. In short, I naively took my society's disdain for being gay and attributed it to God. In retrospect, it was an incredibly moronic thing to do, but when you are raised in an environment like that with no good role models it tends to happen.
Due to an intense belief of the incompatibility of homosexuality and Christianity I attempted to experience each with total exclusion of the other, but only half-heartedly. Things could not really have gone much worse. The majority of my time spent going out and meeting guys tended to end in emotionally vacuous hook-ups, while my time in church was spent in deep regret over who I was and what I had done rather than experiencing the love of God. By trying to have both without ever coming to terms with who I was, I ended up with neither. In turn, I began to lose interest in my faith while trying to shut out the concept of being gay. To compound matters, I was also in the military before DADT was repealed, so I had no friends I could talk to without risking being kicked out. It was a very somber existence, and a very dark time.
What finally pulled me out of these depths was an older gay couple I met after I moved north for college. They were very unashamed for their love for each other and they were proud, practicing Christians. They exemplified everything that I thought could not possibly coexist. They had been in a relationship for nearly 30 years, they were not timid about who they were, they were Christian, and even more than that- they were happy. It was from them that I began to understand that being gay and being Christian are not mutually exclusive and that Jesus never condemned homosexuality. Rather, He said the greatest commandments were to love God and to love your neighbor; against these there is no commandment. I had always heard that, but never believed due to how I was brought up. Their relationship was a manifestation of this truth, and seeing them finally opened my eyes to a world of possibility and hope.
Suicide destroys a family like nothing else. The hardest thing for a parent to experience is to bury one of their children, because it upsets the natural order of life. EVERYONE you are close to and most of those you know will blame themselves for it. By trying to dump your pain, all you will do is place it on those that love you, but it will be a far heavier burden than the one you currently bear. Although you may feel as if you are just trying to find a way out, it is one of the most selfish things imaginable.
Although you may not feel it, you have much to live for. There were many times I didn’t believe that and wanted to end it, but I kept going. My life has gotten so much better with the love and support of friends and family after I came out. I have never met a single person whose life didn’t get better.
I empathize with you. By the simple fact of what you have had to endure, I respect you. Please, if you ever feel like you don’t want to go on get in touch with me. The same goes for anyone on here that feels the same way. I pray for you all.