Advice for a closeted gay man, anyone?

  • Just_Tim

    Posts: 1723

    May 08, 2012 11:41 PM GMT
    Hey there, new to the forums. I'm 26, gay and live in Oklahoma. Somewhere along the way I told myself that I could ignore the gay feelings and thoughts, meet a nice girl, get married, have kids and just do my best to blend in and seem normal. But, the older I get the more I realize how unhappy I'm becoming. I'm currently in a nonsexual, yet "romantic" relationship with a girl, though it's painfully obvious that she's getting really close to calling me out on the no sex business. I'm sure you can agree when I say, "Um, no thanks." It's been about 9 months now, and the pressure is starting to get to me. I'm getting irritated with her, she's going to end up getting hurt. (emotionally, not physically, or course) I've had 3 "serious" girlfriends in my 26 years and they've all ended up this way. So recently I've been imagining my life as an openly gay man. How it would be, the possibilities it would offer me to be romantically happy and all that. I'm not in to the idea of sleeping around, playing the field, or "just having fun." I want someone to spend a lifetime with, which I know is a lot to ask before even coming out, and probably unrealistic. And just like that, as soon as I start considering taking such a big step, I meet a guy at work and develop the biggest infatuation of my life. It's one of the painful crushes everyone goes through, and it's just taken over my life the past couple weeks. At first all I could do was stare at him, every chance I got. I would put off my own job responsibilities and find excuses to be near him every day. Imagining myself going up to him and starting up a conversation was easy enough, but I could never bring myself to do it. Yea, I'm seriously that shy. I see him only a few hours a day, 3 days a week, as our days off overlap (which gives me 4 long, agonizing days to pine over him without actually getting to see him.) It's awful. The most contact we've ever made were a series of looks and smiles. This went on for about a week and a half. Then, the other day, after that 4 day absence I mentioned, he finally spoke to me. Not just a friendly "Hey, how are you." He seemed genuinely happy to see me, and mentioned how he'd been wondering where I'd been. We ended up talking most of the morning. He told me about his job, and his plans for the day after work. I know that's not enough to get excited about, but it just seemed very spontaneous to me. Like I said, we'd never talked previously. He told me he coaches a kids soccer team in his free time, but doesn't have any kids himself. When I found that out, my suspicion toward him being gay felt a little validated. He's always really friendly, smiling, has an incredibly soft spoken voice, and no ring on his finger. Obviously, my biggest fear is finding out he's completely straight and I have no chance whatsoever. We've been friendly and chatty the past few days, nothing flirty (I've never flirted with a guy before, I'd have no idea how to go about it) but today starts the new 4 day cycle of no contact, and I still have no idea where I stand. I'll just have to wait and see how he reacts when I see him next. I'm really hoping something gives soon, I don't know if I have it in me to ask him outright for his phone number. And I'd hate to be the type of person who creeps on some poor unsuspecting guy's facebook page. Wish me luck? Any advice?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 12:19 AM GMT
    Come out now.

    Otherwise you'll end up in airport restrooms and public parks for your "fix," which is getting increasingly more difficult as more gays are coming out and meeting guys in more socially acceptable places.

    Come to think of it, maybe that's why the Repubs don't want gays to be open. They're getting irritated with the decline of restroom sex.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 12:25 AM GMT
    Reminds me when I was in highschool there was this guy with a beautiful smile and I just couldn't bring myself to talk to him so I always smiled when he was passing by in the hallway and he'd smile back and my day was made complete!! icon_biggrin.gif
    Everytime repeating the cycle...
    The day I won a school competition for running, was when he came to congratulating me.. I was about to melt at that very spot... Others ofcourse congratulated me too, but seriously I really didn't care icon_biggrin.gif
    Damn, I turn into such a nerd when cute guys talk to me...


    Anyway, if you know you can't continue with this girl I think it's best to cut the wire as fast as possible.. It's going to be more painful the longer you wait...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 12:32 AM GMT
    Congrats on the evolving coming out. No one can tell you when or how to come out unless it is forced on you by circumstances.

    First of all, the woman you are seeing probably has figured out you are gay. If she has had other boyfriends she knows that some of them can't wait through dinner let alone 9 months without sex. Give it up to her buddy, she deserves the truth after all this time.

    Second, you can have a great life.. maybe in Oklahoma, possibly better in a larger metropolitan area. It's your choice, but I'd get online and find a community you are comfortable with. There are great men out there who are looking for the same thing you are.

    Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn't suggest a reading list. ( I am past Board Chair of The Stonewall in Ft. Lauderdale and have spent 12 years building that as well as hosting an internet radio show on GLBT writers)

    The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World ..by Alan Downs

    Outing Yourself: How to Come Out as Lesbian or Gay to Your Family, Friends, and Coworkers Michaelangelo Signorele

    Becoming a Man: Half a Life Story Paul Monette

    The Way Out: The Gay Man's Guide to Freedom No Matter if You're in Denial, Closeted, Half In, Half Out, Just Out or Been Around the Block Chris Nutter

    Let me know if you have any problems getting these where you are either financially or by mail and I'll see if we can get some review copies to you.
    My email is nateklarfeld@gmail.com

    Good Luck Buddy and welcome to a great honest and integrated life!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 12:34 AM GMT
    Just_Tim saidHey there, new to the forums. I'm 26, gay and live in Oklahoma.[...] He seemed genuinely happy to see me, and mentioned how he'd been wondering where I'd been.[...] I don't know if I have it in me to ask him outright for his phone number. And I'd hate to be the type of person who creeps on some poor unsuspecting guy's facebook page. Wish me luck? Any advice?


    It's OK to be gay. Learn to accept yourself. Liberate yourself, enjoy life, and soar like an eagle. You have too much to loose by closet denial etc. 'Out' yourself little by little if need be. There are others like you who need to love and be loved. Don't fight it. The guy you describe sounds nice. Go for it! You have it in you. Make us proud! We wish you luck and success!
  • Avataraja

    Posts: 39

    May 09, 2012 12:35 AM GMT
    come out of the closet! icon_cool.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 12:35 AM GMT
    "Advice for a closeted gay man, anyone?"

    Move out of Oklahomo. j/k


    Seriously, it sounds as if you are beginning your coming out process. Take it at your own speed. One thing, however, now that you've admitted to yourself you need to cut this woman free from the hope of a romantic relationship with you. It is not fair to her to be a part of your coming out journey now that you know nothing can ever come of anything between you two.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 12:41 AM GMT
    Coming out is definitely the best move. As to this fellow - keep in kind that these type of attachments/attractions will be very hard on you emotionally if you're not being true to yourself. (Take it from me, I know!)

    There is a place for you as a gay man. You just have to claim it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 12:45 AM GMT
    I'm glad I vowed in 6th grade to never mess with a girls feelings and "pretend".
  • Koaa2

    Posts: 1556

    May 09, 2012 12:52 AM GMT
    Coming out is the best thing you can do for yourself and everyone around you. I know so many guys who were married, miserable and made others lives miserable also. Oklahoma City must have a fairly good sized gay community, maybe there is a support group you can find, that you can join, and meet some gay men and begin to figure yourself out. It is well worth it!
  • Just_Tim

    Posts: 1723

    May 09, 2012 12:58 AM GMT
    Guys, I know. Shame on me for the girlfriend part. I feel bad enough about it, and will resolve the issue shortly. Whether I come out anytime soon or not, it's not right, it's not fair, and I know that. She's going to hate me, and rightly so. That's wasn't really the point of my posting. I'll get my life together, don't worry.

    Also, there was some good advice in there. I appreciate it very much.
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    May 09, 2012 1:39 AM GMT
    Trust me. They already kinow that you're gay. They're wondering why you don't trust them enough to admit it.
  • Shark100

    Posts: 234

    May 09, 2012 1:57 AM GMT
    I was in the same situation as you, few years ago I thought maybe I can live an heterosexual life, however as u say, getting older makes u realize how unhappy u are, I had a girlfriend for many years, excellent person, pretty, friendly and christian, when she started talking about sex and marriage I knew she would be hurt and she did not deserve that, so we broke up, later she got married and has 2 kids with an asshole. I have met interesting guys, but this one was really cute, adventurous but he was straight, we were really good friends and I could no avoid to fall in love. It seems all the time it happens to me is with the wrong guy. Hopefully buddy you will have better luck. Take care!!!
  • TheIStrat

    Posts: 777

    May 09, 2012 2:10 AM GMT
    You're devastatingly handsome. Come out of the closet and capitalize on that.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 2:15 AM GMT
    TheIStrat saidYou're devastatingly handsome. Come out of the closet and capitalize on that.

    What he said.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 2:16 AM GMT
    ditto the above =)
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 2:17 AM GMT
    Wow, you're in the closet, dating a woman and crushing on a man AND you post a picture of your face? Pretty ballsy.
    No one is happy who lives every day in a lie, it's that simple.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 2:21 AM GMT
    Needless to say: TL;DR... come out of the closet, be happy with who you really. Learn who your real friends are, let you family has a bitch fit, find a good man, fall in love in a whirl wind romance and be as happy as a gay man could ever be! Post often, smoke less. Have sex, no regrets. I hear Eric Himan is from OK. He's cute and a gay musician... icon_smile.gificon_redface.gificon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 2:33 AM GMT
    smartmoney saidWow, you're in the closet, dating a woman and crushing on a man AND you post a picture of your face? Pretty ballsy.
    No one is happy who lives every day in a lie, it's that simple.


    This isn't exactly one of the biggest sites out there and it is unlikely they would just stumble across his profile by accident unless they were intentionally looking for him and he could get some extra protection by just changing his preferences so only members who are signed in can view his view his profile. That way they would have to make a profile to see him. If it has gotten that far, whoever is looking already knows anyway. Even if he did not have a picture, a more likely scenario would be discovering where he has been by looking at one of his computers or devices.
  • Just_Tim

    Posts: 1723

    May 09, 2012 2:53 AM GMT
    Thanks again for the responses. I appreciate it. I didn't actually think about putting up a face shot of myself on a gay website as a foreseeable problem. If anyone I know is able to track me down here then they probably deserve to be the first to know.

    QUOTE AUTHOR GOES HERETrust me. They already kinow that you're gay. They're wondering why you don't trust them enough to admit it.

    I hope that's what both of my parents say when I tell them.


  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 2:56 AM GMT
    ^^ I think it's awesome that you posted your picture here, man. Your thought process is spot on, IMHO.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 3:03 AM GMT
    Paragraphs are you friend.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 3:08 AM GMT
    JPtheBITCH said
    Iceblink said
    smartmoney saidWow, you're in the closet, dating a woman and crushing on a man AND you post a picture of your face? Pretty ballsy.
    No one is happy who lives every day in a lie, it's that simple.


    This isn't exactly one of the biggest sites out there and it is unlikely they would just stumble across his profile by accident unless they were intentionally looking for him and he could get some extra protection by just changing his preferences so only members who are signed in can view his view his profile. That way they would have to make a profile to see him. If it has gotten that far, whoever is looking already knows anyway. Even if he did not have a picture, a more likely scenario would be discovering where he has been by looking at one of his computers or devices.


    (psst Robb - I think smartmoney was snarking. For a change.)



    I can't believe I didn't recognize snark.
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    May 09, 2012 3:14 AM GMT
    We've all been through that evolutionary process at different times in our lives, but we all went through it. I do not know a single person that was no happier after they came out. It doesn't mean you have to come out to everyone at once, but how unfair is it to you and the women you date that you're using them in this manner?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 09, 2012 4:46 AM GMT
    Try this:



    Also. Quit screwing up girl's lives by tagging them along if you're really not serious about having a relationship with them. that's just not fair.

    You are in conservative-land, so obviously you need to judge for yourself where you should or should not come out - at the very least quit stringing along these women and just tell people to fuck off if they ask why you're not settling down.

    There's always the possibility of moving. Gay men've been doing it for decades now. Home doesn't accept you? Move somewhere that will.