May 08, 2012 11:41 PM GMT
Hey there, new to the forums. I'm 26, gay and live in Oklahoma. Somewhere along the way I told myself that I could ignore the gay feelings and thoughts, meet a nice girl, get married, have kids and just do my best to blend in and seem normal. But, the older I get the more I realize how unhappy I'm becoming. I'm currently in a nonsexual, yet "romantic" relationship with a girl, though it's painfully obvious that she's getting really close to calling me out on the no sex business. I'm sure you can agree when I say, "Um, no thanks." It's been about 9 months now, and the pressure is starting to get to me. I'm getting irritated with her, she's going to end up getting hurt. (emotionally, not physically, or course) I've had 3 "serious" girlfriends in my 26 years and they've all ended up this way. So recently I've been imagining my life as an openly gay man. How it would be, the possibilities it would offer me to be romantically happy and all that. I'm not in to the idea of sleeping around, playing the field, or "just having fun." I want someone to spend a lifetime with, which I know is a lot to ask before even coming out, and probably unrealistic. And just like that, as soon as I start considering taking such a big step, I meet a guy at work and develop the biggest infatuation of my life. It's one of the painful crushes everyone goes through, and it's just taken over my life the past couple weeks. At first all I could do was stare at him, every chance I got. I would put off my own job responsibilities and find excuses to be near him every day. Imagining myself going up to him and starting up a conversation was easy enough, but I could never bring myself to do it. Yea, I'm seriously that shy. I see him only a few hours a day, 3 days a week, as our days off overlap (which gives me 4 long, agonizing days to pine over him without actually getting to see him.) It's awful. The most contact we've ever made were a series of looks and smiles. This went on for about a week and a half. Then, the other day, after that 4 day absence I mentioned, he finally spoke to me. Not just a friendly "Hey, how are you." He seemed genuinely happy to see me, and mentioned how he'd been wondering where I'd been. We ended up talking most of the morning. He told me about his job, and his plans for the day after work. I know that's not enough to get excited about, but it just seemed very spontaneous to me. Like I said, we'd never talked previously. He told me he coaches a kids soccer team in his free time, but doesn't have any kids himself. When I found that out, my suspicion toward him being gay felt a little validated. He's always really friendly, smiling, has an incredibly soft spoken voice, and no ring on his finger. Obviously, my biggest fear is finding out he's completely straight and I have no chance whatsoever. We've been friendly and chatty the past few days, nothing flirty (I've never flirted with a guy before, I'd have no idea how to go about it) but today starts the new 4 day cycle of no contact, and I still have no idea where I stand. I'll just have to wait and see how he reacts when I see him next. I'm really hoping something gives soon, I don't know if I have it in me to ask him outright for his phone number. And I'd hate to be the type of person who creeps on some poor unsuspecting guy's facebook page. Wish me luck? Any advice?