Not Ready For A Relationship: A fear of intimacy?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 10, 2012 6:05 AM GMT
    I've read the forums on here for a while, and I notice sometimes people give good advice, so, sorry to stay anonymous, but I prefer it that way just because I'm not too comfortable about my own feelings on this yet.

    So here's my story: I meet a guy I really like, and I get the sense he really likes me too, but I feel going for it is just too much for me to handle, emotionally and everything I don't feel I can do it. So I stay in the friend zone and don't go anywhere with it, even though I think about the guy all the time.

    On the one hand, i feel like i might just be being a coward and am missing out on an opportunity to be with a great person, but on the other hand, if i can't handle myself taking it to the next level, it doesn't help anyone either. So I just say to myself that I'm not ready for this, i'm not ready to handle everything that would go with all the dating and relationships and stuff and I just leave things the way they are.

    Do you guys think that's fair? And also, since i'm pretty sure it's the old fear of intimacy most everyone talks about, what can you do to deal with this? Just wait it out? But then do you ever get over it? how do you get to the point where you are even ready?
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    May 10, 2012 12:17 PM GMT
    nothing in this world is accomplished or achieved without risk. think back to everything you've ever done in life whether it was taking your first steps as a baby, riding a bike, asking friends to hang out, trying on new clothes, applying for school or a job, etc.

    i'm not saying that coming out is easy, and neither is revealing your emotions to someone else. but when you flip the situation around and someone was approaching you to come out or tell you that they were interested, how would you react? probably very kindly. if this guy is really your friend, he'll be ok with it, flattered even, if you approach it respectfully. i think its worth it. at some point you have to try. and it might be the happiest day of your life! but even if it doesn't work out, you'll be gaining valuable experience for the next time icon_smile.gif and you'll at least have expressed your feelings and you'll know where you stand. good luck!
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    May 10, 2012 1:00 PM GMT
    You can't have intimacy (which is key to a successful relationship) without allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Yeah, you'll get hurt along the way, but you also learn when it's worth the risk. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

    Some guys have great fear of intimacy, sometimes stemming from abuse or other violation of trust from childhood. I think if that's the case with you, you should consider working with a therapist proactively so that you can feel more comfortable about opening up in healthy ways.
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    May 10, 2012 1:05 PM GMT
    i'm going to be blunt and honest but i don't think it's fair for the other guy.

    i recently came out of a situation like this where I was the victim being "led" on. The guy I was seeing was sending me mixed signals. even though he said he wasn't ready for a relationship, his ass still led me on. it didn't end well, he ended up seeing someone else, which in turn made him, turn out to be a liar and he basically made me feel like sh!t.

    Anyway all this to say that if you're thinking about him all the time, i think you're ready to date this guy. It's not fair to him to keep talking to him as if you guys were dating and hanging out all the time (if you guys are). I say go for what can you lose (other than the risk of losing him). Just take it one day at a time, it's not like you two are gonna make a life commitment when you guys start talking but hey again, go for it and see what happens.

    BEST OF LUCK.

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    May 10, 2012 1:15 PM GMT
    remember - this is about you expressing your feelings. of course its going to make you feel vulnerable. so what? if he says no, you move on and try for someone else. if he is also interested, you take things in a new direction. don't get ahead of yourself - this is not about making some life commitment or whether you're ready for intimacy. this is about taking it one step at a time, and you're scared to take that next step. maybe hint at it to see how he reacts, if its encouraging, then tell him what you want.
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    May 10, 2012 1:40 PM GMT
    It's hard to venture out and try a relationship for the first time. I get flighty as well, and I have a history of running away before things can actually get bad. I just know that if I keep making that choice, I'll get the same results I've always gotten. So... I'm keeping that in mind as I try it again.

    I think, also, that it helps to let yourself express your fears with the other person you're getting to know romantically, as well as with friends. I've tried to be open about what's going on in my head and John's been incredibly patient with me.

    Good luck buddy.
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    May 10, 2012 4:40 PM GMT

    Snowboarder, how would you feel if you saw this guy you like fall in love with someone?

    intrigued,

    -Doug
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    May 10, 2012 4:50 PM GMT
    meninlove said
    Snowboarder, how would you feel if you saw this guy you like fall in love with someone?

    intrigued,

    -Doug
    More profound questions... digging RJ this month! I know I do have a fear of intimacy. I recommend you not allow yourself to remain this way. Self help books on all your relevant issues in this area of your life may help. Seek therapy, even talk therapy can help; if you do your part in it. A lot of positive affirmations help too. Never hurts to put yourself in public places and in situation where you just may meet someone. Sometimes people come into your life, and you don't even know why, but they manage to help you make small necessary edits to you life. So don't let fear keep you away more encounters like the one in your OP. Vulnerability is a good thing too. Just be mindful of when you let yourself be vulnerable and why. I didn't the last time I opened up, and have regretted it ever since. Personally, I need to take my own advice in everything I just told you. icon_confused.gificon_neutral.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2012 4:59 AM GMT

    icon_redface.gif


    I was wanting our OP to consider that if he saw his possible man walk towards another's love he might decide to take matters into his own hands, so why wait til that happens. (I am awful, a hopeless romantic lol) Yes there's a great possibility of hurt in it if it doesn't go well, but also a lot of self discovery to mitigate that hurt that I think can help prevent hurts in future. So with the pain is the gain, so to speak.

    very intrigued,


    -Doug

  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    May 11, 2012 5:21 AM GMT
    snowboarder52 saidI've read the forums on here for a while, and I notice sometimes people give good advice, so, sorry to stay anonymous, but I prefer it that way just because I'm not too comfortable about my own feelings on this yet.

    So here's my story: I meet a guy I really like, and I get the sense he really likes me too, but I feel going for it is just too much for me to handle, emotionally and everything I don't feel I can do it. So I stay in the friend zone and don't go anywhere with it, even though I think about the guy all the time.

    On the one hand, i feel like i might just be being a coward and am missing out on an opportunity to be with a great person, but on the other hand, if i can't handle myself taking it to the next level, it doesn't help anyone either. So I just say to myself that I'm not ready for this, i'm not ready to handle everything that would go with all the dating and relationships and stuff and I just leave things the way they are.

    Do you guys think that's fair? And also, since i'm pretty sure it's the old fear of intimacy most everyone talks about, what can you do to deal with this? Just wait it out? But then do you ever get over it? how do you get to the point where you are even ready?


    If you feel like you are being a coward, you probably aren't. You're just being cautious. Most people do not recognize, accurately, what they actually are being at any given time. However, don't let fear make you live in a continuous world of pain, loneliness, hate, and regret when the chance for happiness is right in front of you for the taking. Just my humble and ignorant advice.
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    May 11, 2012 5:31 AM GMT
    snowboarder52 saidI've read the forums on here for a while, and I notice sometimes people give good advice, so, sorry to stay anonymous, but I prefer it that way just because I'm not too comfortable about my own feelings on this yet.

    So here's my story: I meet a guy I really like, and I get the sense he really likes me too, but I feel going for it is just too much for me to handle, emotionally and everything I don't feel I can do it. So I stay in the friend zone and don't go anywhere with it, even though I think about the guy all the time.

    On the one hand, i feel like i might just be being a coward and am missing out on an opportunity to be with a great person, but on the other hand, if i can't handle myself taking it to the next level, it doesn't help anyone either. So I just say to myself that I'm not ready for this, i'm not ready to handle everything that would go with all the dating and relationships and stuff and I just leave things the way they are.

    Do you guys think that's fair? And also, since i'm pretty sure it's the old fear of intimacy most everyone talks about, what can you do to deal with this? Just wait it out? But then do you ever get over it? how do you get to the point where you are even ready?


    I feel like you should just go for it if you really want it and just try to take it to that level. I on the other hand feel trapped within the fear of rejection. Perhaps it's just an insecurity or maybe it's something else like I find it really hard to trust people, idk?

    What I do know is that it takes a physical attraction, intimacy and a commitment to make a relationship work. Communication is key. You should be happy that you have someone. It's slim pickins where I live mostly bi guys that don't wanna come out. There are a few gays but very few and for the ones that are here, they are already paired up. I so need to move or this place seriously needs more gay people lol.
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    May 11, 2012 6:05 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    Snowboarder, how would you feel if you saw this guy you like fall in love with someone?

    intrigued,

    -Doug


    At the moment, I absolutely hate the idea, but its more important he were happy than be with me if he werent interested in me, so I would get over it and be chill about it.
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    May 12, 2012 12:42 AM GMT
    snowboarder52 said
    meninlove said
    Snowboarder, how would you feel if you saw this guy you like fall in love with someone?

    intrigued,

    -Doug


    At the moment, I absolutely hate the idea, but its more important he were happy than be with me if he werent interested in me, so I would get over it and be chill about it.


    sadly, it sounds to me that like you're just looking for excuses not to tell him how you really feel. here's my final thought on the matter: is it better that he likes you while you're hiding your true self from him? or it better that he knows who you truly are? because what you're presenting to him is an edited, designed, and disguised version of yourself. not your true self. so who does he really like?
  • rafiki87

    Posts: 331

    May 12, 2012 12:44 AM GMT
    what was your first intimate encounter with men like?

    reason why i ask because, it could potentially tell you a lot about how you see relationships with other guys.
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    May 12, 2012 12:51 AM GMT
    My first was molestation at the hands of a grow up and it makes me. It makes me scared of sleeping with anyOne, 2 yrs and counting.
  • rafiki87

    Posts: 331

    May 12, 2012 12:52 AM GMT
    fhaynie81 saidMy first was molestation at the hands of a grow up and it makes me. It makes me scared of sleeping with anyOne, 2 yrs and counting.


    is that out of shame? or your sense of trust was compromised?