Have you ever met a guy who had everything that you were looking for, but you weren't attracted to them?

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    May 10, 2012 11:25 PM GMT
    I've been out for about a year now and things have gone pretty well. On a few occasions I've been hit on but at this point everything feels really new to me so I'm just taking my time and enjoying making new friends and training buddies.

    So that was what I thought until I made a new friend a few months ago. He's been nothing short of amazing and I can say that he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met. He's hinted that he has a crush on me but I honestly just don't find him attractive and it sucks to have to say that. I know that he'd make a great partner, and I do know that sometimes attractions can develop later on, but at this point I want to just stay friends.

    Has something similar ever happened to you? It may be dumb, but I couldn't help but feeling like something really good was in my grasp and I'm letting it pass me by.
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    May 11, 2012 12:40 AM GMT
    Yes, I'm actually dealing with this issue right now. I have a guy who would be the perfect wrestling/jock bud for me, he constantly tells me I'm cute and he's always trying to rough house with me (the way I like it lol). However I'm not ATTRACTED TO HIM AT ALL and he's also not the sharpest knife in the draw. I'm not one to judge others based on intelligence or educational background, but this kid sometimes says things that absolutely make me go "icon_eek.gif...seriously?" He's a nice guy, but I just can't with him, not like that at least.
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    May 11, 2012 12:45 AM GMT
    Yes, I have it's tough... Those type of guys are the hardest to let go (if you need too). It depends on what you are looking for. If you really need complete utter physical attraction, then probably not the best.

    However, if the qualities are there that you like and you are best of friends and love the companionship, you may try to keep it going because those connections are tougher to find then simple physical attractions.
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    May 11, 2012 12:54 AM GMT
    In my experience attraction comes fairly fast. But perhaps it is different for you.

    Best idea is to be honest and upfront with where you are and focus on your friendship. Good friends are great to have!

    If something more comes later, so be it. Just be aware that since he apparently has feelings and you do not, you have a responsibility to be very clear and upfront with him.
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    May 11, 2012 1:05 AM GMT
    I met a guy one night and it seemed great. He was masculine and good looking. Hes funny and has his shit together. I went on a date with him and it was fun, but for some reason i felt that we wouldnt be anything more than friends. We were friends for a while, until he got a boyfriend and kinda ignored me. That's when i developed a crush on him. Wish i wouldve treated him differently... now its too late, because im moving in a matter of days.

    My advice would be really give him a good shot. Beauty fades, but someone who is your best friend will make for a great relationship
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    May 11, 2012 2:18 AM GMT
    Yeah
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    May 11, 2012 4:29 AM GMT
    Supra89 saidYes, I'm actually dealing with this issue right now. I have a guy who would be the perfect wrestling/jock bud for me, he constantly tells me I'm cute and he's always trying to rough house with me (the way I like it lol). However I'm not ATTRACTED TO HIM AT ALL and he's also not the sharpest knife in the draw. I'm not one to judge others based on intelligence or educational background, but this kid sometimes says things that absolutely make me go "icon_eek.gif...seriously?" He's a nice guy, but I just can't with him, not like that at least.

    Actually, intelligence is still important (and you can say that without sounding "shallow")
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    May 11, 2012 4:52 AM GMT
    Yes, of course. I've also met guys who were nothing I'd ever consider dating before, but turned out to be the coolest run ins I've ever had out in a public place! So, I guess what initially attracts us to someone isn't all that factors in to what matters most in the end; after getting to them ourselves? icon_wink.gif
  • vintovka

    Posts: 588

    May 11, 2012 5:00 AM GMT
    Maybe he will grow on you in time, but usually if you're not into it, you're just not into it.

    The physical chemistry has to be there.

    Also, you might want to check if there is a disconnect between what you say you want and what you are actually attracted to. Lots of people I know will say, "I want a nice, considerate, intelligent guy," but then constantly date douchebags. In many cases we say we want what we think we should want, but actually want the things we choose to pursue. (i.e. behavior may be a better indicator of desire than words.)
  • Stroking42

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    May 11, 2012 5:07 AM GMT
    Yes. I hate when that happens
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    May 11, 2012 5:07 AM GMT

    " He's hinted that he has a crush on me but I honestly just don't find him attractive and it sucks to have to say that."

    If you don't find him attractive in the way he needs you to be, are you loving or inadvertantly hurting him, (I also think you mean him nothing but well, which makes you a nice man to me) by not letting him know? I think if he knows he can deal with his feelings before they get too deep.

    -Doug
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    May 11, 2012 5:07 AM GMT
    vintovka saidMaybe he will grow on you in time, but usually if you're not into it, you're just not into it.

    The physical chemistry has to be there.

    Also, you might want to check if there is a disconnect between what you say you want and what you are actually attracted to. Lots of people I know will say, "I want a nice, considerate, intelligent guy," but then constantly date douchebags. In many cases we say we want what we think we should want, but actually want the things we choose to pursue. (i.e. behavior may be a better indicator of desire than words.)
    That's true most often than not for me. I'm not a bad judge of character, but I let myself pursue guys who I know will tear me apart in the end. Most of my relationships have ended cause the guys have cheated on me, or just been Grade A a*sholes. The guys I should be with, the nice ones, who are a little hesitant and scared to make a move, turn me off when a big confident even cocky guy comes around. I know I shouldn't, but since I'm usually drinking, don't stop and somehow connect with them... I've dated a few guys who were really good, but had to let them go... didn't feel I was good enough for them either... idkwtf is wrong with me, but I need to learn to undo this habit.icon_mad.gif
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    May 11, 2012 5:17 AM GMT
    Snype saidI've been out for about a year now and things have gone pretty well. On a few occasions I've been hit on but at this point everything feels really new to me so I'm just taking my time and enjoying making new friends and training buddies.

    So that was what I thought until I made a new friend a few months ago. He's been nothing short of amazing and I can say that he's one of the nicest guys I've ever met. He's hinted that he has a crush on me but I honestly just don't find him attractive and it sucks to have to say that. I know that he'd make a great partner, and I do know that sometimes attractions can develop later on, but at this point I want to just stay friends.

    Has something similar ever happened to you? It may be dumb, but I couldn't help but feeling like something really good was in my grasp and I'm letting it pass me by.


    Yeah, what you are expereincing is called the fear of being hurt because you like the guy so much because you feel so comfortable with him that you think something must be wrong. That's called the paranoia of a girl. Or what my father, an ex-soldier, would describe in his colorful language as being a punk ass, lol.
  • safety43_mma1...

    Posts: 4251

    May 11, 2012 5:22 AM GMT
    yeah it has happened and we r still great friends to this day. he is smart sweet but due to health issues not my type. i tell him all the itme i love him and he knows now as a friend. he is the best frined a guy could have a fellow rj'er. most look him bye due to looks but i teel u this he is the most loyal and amazing friend i have.
  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 11, 2012 6:24 AM GMT
    Supra89 saidYes, I'm actually dealing with this issue right now. I have a guy who would be the perfect wrestling/jock bud for me, he constantly tells me I'm cute and he's always trying to rough house with me (the way I like it lol). However I'm not ATTRACTED TO HIM AT ALL and he's also not the sharpest knife in the draw. I'm not one to judge others based on intelligence or educational background, but this kid sometimes says things that absolutely make me go "icon_eek.gif...seriously?" He's a nice guy, but I just can't with him, not like that at least.


    you mean like saying things like "not the sharpest knife in the draw?"
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    May 11, 2012 6:30 AM GMT
    Snype saidHave you ever met a guy who had everything that you were looking for, but you weren't attracted to them?
    No, because attraction is the first thing I look for.
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    May 11, 2012 2:25 PM GMT
    I can't count the number of times that I've had to tell a perfectly attractive and stable gay guy that we're better off being friends than lovers. If I don't feel it in my gut, it's not happening--and it doesn't matter how perfect the other person may seem.
  • mukt

    Posts: 1

    Mar 11, 2013 10:17 AM GMT
    Great lesson, i agree with you.
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    Mar 11, 2013 4:34 PM GMT
    Babo saidI was in that situation about 15 years ago. On paper the guy was perfect: wicked smart, funny, hard working, even wealthy, humble, from a great family and with great values. And he was crazy in love with me. I enjoyed his company and I felt affection for him, but it wasn’t “passion” at least not the kind of passion that I wanted or fantasized about having. The truth is, despite all his attributes, the guy was not what I considered “hot.” He was a little chubby with an average face. So, I threw him away. It was the worst mistake I have ever made and I regret it to this day.


    I used to be that kid, the "less desirable one." the one you would bypass and not take a second glance.

    Be careful with who you toss away, with the right push and motivation, they might turn around and become the bombshell that you've always wanted. Maybe they are late bloomers.

    And speaking from experience, those guys that never gave me a chance. What makes you think I will give them a chance? just some food for thought. :]
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    Mar 11, 2013 5:02 PM GMT
    Yes he was intelligent, attractive, had a very considerate personality and was generally a great catch. We drifted apart because I didn't do much to keep in touch with him which is not great but I think if we had gone out properly I would have become grumpy and unreasonable around him, and I am glad I didn't inflict that on him.
  • stratavos

    Posts: 1831

    Mar 11, 2013 5:06 PM GMT
    Short answer, yes. Chemistry wasn't there, and ego's were.
  • davidsticky69

    Posts: 412

    Mar 11, 2013 5:43 PM GMT
    Aristoshark saidI think gay men have some odd notions about "chemistry".
    That isn't chemistry you're feeling, it's lust.
    Ask any chemist---some reactions form quickly, some take longer.
    But you all think if your loins ain't on fire the moment you meet, then they never will be.
    To which I say, grow the fuck up.


    Thumbs up to this icon_lol.gif
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    Mar 12, 2013 7:54 AM GMT
    I once met this guy through a friend who had similar interests as me, got along good, and the deal-maker, was an amazing pianist. Made my heart pump when I heard him play. However, he was the exact OPPOSITE of what I was attracted to. I felt vain, but I just couldn't be with someone who I felt no physical attraction to whatsoever. Might as well date a girl. Ah well
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    Mar 12, 2013 8:04 AM GMT
    Yep, this was the case of the last guy I dated.
    He was about 34, tall, cute, an IT manager, makes good money, has a home. Kinda sweet. After about 2 dates, I sort of feel no connection but I wanted to give it another shot, went through 2 more dates! Things sorta went into a friend zone, I couldn't explain it but you got to go with your instinct sometimes. We just mutually ended it. icon_confused.gif