I Feel Alone. Now, What's The Cause?

  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    May 11, 2012 7:02 AM GMT
    My mind aches, my emotions aches, my very soul aches. I feel very alone, and I need to fix this, badly.

    Tonight I realized how deeply this goes. I don't really crave a romantic relationship. I simply crave closeness, togetherness, friendship. I don't have that. I don't just feel alone, my soul feels alone. I consider myself to be a spiritual person, so to feel that is in its own right, alarming. I have no close connection with anyone. I went to individual, and group therapy to solve this problem for about 5 months recently to address this. It didn't help. I don't think I ever found the source. Everyone says I was fine, and that everyone felt very connected to me. I don't do them though. I don't know HOW to feel close to people. I have tried everything. Opening up, letting out my rawest thoughts, feelings, secrets, etc. Hugging, letting someone cry on my shoulders, crying on someone elses shoulders. Anything and everything that is supposed to forge a bond. Nothing. I don't feel that kinship, that persistent closeness with anyone here. I have that somewhat with a few friends where I used to live. Even then though, I still don't feel it much.

    How the hell do I solve this? If I have taken everyones advice on how to feel close to someone, what else is there to do? I have thought that perhaps my standards are too high with what I am supposed to feel, and that may be. Lowering them though, won't fix the problem. I can't make myself feel a certain way, it does it on its own.

    I can't go along like this anymore. It's detracting from the meaning of life itself to me, and can leave me at night feeling like I don't want to be alive anymore. I desperately need to forge a bond with someone, somehow. To feel that merge and closeness. How though? If all the motions, actions, thoughts, etc. that I need to do in order for it to come, how can I possibly do it? Is it possible I'll never feel closeness to anyone? Is that really beyond my capacity and I am meant to remain alone?
    --------------------
    EDIT: I made a video to help explain all of this, as writing it out wouldn't work. It's rather long, but the important peice starts at 11:05 or so. That's when I really start to "figure it out".

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 11, 2012 7:05 AM GMT
    tautomer4314 saidI Feel Alone. Now, What's The Cause?
    It's because you're so hot that you intimidate people and they're afraid to hang out with you cause you'd make them look ugly with your intense beauty. icon_biggrin.gif

    But srsly, I don't really know. It sounds more like symptoms of depression than just plain ole loneliness.
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    May 11, 2012 7:17 AM GMT
    paulflexes said
    tautomer4314 saidI Feel Alone. Now, What's The Cause?
    It's because you're so hot that you intimidate people and they're afraid to hang out with you cause you'd make them look ugly with your intense beauty. icon_biggrin.gif

    But srsly, I don't really know. It sounds more like symptoms of depression than just plain ole loneliness.


    Thanks for your kind words. From a totally objective point of view, I see myself as a 7/10. I know how to take good pictures of myself so things here look better then they really are.

    I very likely have depression, I'd be shocked if I didn't. I will not, under any circumstances though, take medications for this. As a chemist I have a strong enough understanding of how they work to safely say that they are only warranted in very severe cases, and I do not see myself as severe enough to warrant it. Cognitive behavioral therapy would likely be best, but I have tried that in the past (mind you, not with a formal diagnosis of depression), and it did not help.
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    May 11, 2012 7:27 AM GMT
    I'm not even a chemist and still refuse meds (have ADHD and SAD).

    Next time you talk to your doc, ask about depression. He might be able to set you up with a good therapist that won't scream meds every time you say you're upset about something.
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    May 11, 2012 7:50 AM GMT
    tautomer4314 said
    paulflexes said
    tautomer4314 saidI Feel Alone. Now, What's The Cause?
    It's because you're so hot that you intimidate people and they're afraid to hang out with you cause you'd make them look ugly with your intense beauty. icon_biggrin.gif

    But srsly, I don't really know. It sounds more like symptoms of depression than just plain ole loneliness.


    Thanks for your kind words. From a totally objective point of view, I see myself as a 7/10. I know how to take good pictures of myself so things here look better then they really are.

    I very likely have depression, I'd be shocked if I didn't. I will not, under any circumstances though, take medications for this. As a chemist I have a strong enough understanding of how they work to safely say that they are only warranted in very severe cases, and I do not see myself as severe enough to warrant it. Cognitive behavioral therapy would likely be best, but I have tried that in the past (mind you, not with a formal diagnosis of depression), and it did not help.


    Man I know this, years and years of it. My advice was going to be medication, but you obviously have a better idea than myself on the effects. I will say that my doc prescribed me xanax. Now I am no chemist, but my experience was by just taking one pill I was able to get out of my funk rather quickly and the emptiness vanished and happiness kind of snowballed from there. I also did some CBT ( my therapist had no idea about the other meaning lol) it worked to an extent.
    I hope it works out for you, talk to a professional and don't leave it as long as I did to do something, whatever it is for you.
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    May 11, 2012 8:16 AM GMT
    With the usual disclaimers that I'm not a doctor, etc., this sounds like depression to me. Depression can make you feel empty, pessimistic, and lose interest in things. It's no wonder you don't feel a connection to anyone. I would first suggest consulting your doctor to rule out physical causes. Hormonal imbalances and other problems can cause psychological symptoms. Some doctors are quick to prescribe antidepressants, so you'll need to be insistent that you want to rule out physical problems first. If nothing is found, then you should see a professional therapist of some sort, one who won't be so quick to try to medicate you.

    Feeling close to someone takes time. Spend time with old or new friends. Don't expect feelings to develop quickly. In fact, maybe don't expect them at all. That puts too much pressure on the situation. Just relax and let it happen.

    As tempting as it might be at times, don't shut down. Keep talking to people, whether it in a support group, in real life, or even here on RJ. It does help, even if you can't see it right away.

    Good luck. Stay strong.
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    May 11, 2012 9:40 AM GMT
    I made a video to help explain all of this, as writing it out wouldn't work. It's rather long, but the important peice starts at 11:05 or so. That's when I really start to "figure it out".


    I edited the video into the original post.
  • amoroushomme

    Posts: 71

    May 11, 2012 10:45 AM GMT
    Heyyyyy

    I know how you feel... I myself feel the way you feel sometimes icon_cry.gif


    believe me you're not the only one... man is social animals we need friends and love... just try not to be obsessed with love... go out with friends, do your hobbies and read nice books icon_biggrin.gif

    maybe a good self-help book like "The Power of Now" or any other self-help books will help. it can change the attitude of your life somehow


    You are a very handsome man icon_smile.gif trust me you'll find someone

    good luck icon_biggrin.gif

    OH and if you want someone to talk to icon_smile.gif don't hesitate to write me... at least I feel the same. Maybe we can share and give each other advices icon_smile.gif
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    May 11, 2012 1:51 PM GMT
    Perhaps you're trying too hard to find that connection with someone. Let it come naturally. Maybe it's not in your nature to be that close to another human being. If the latter is true, perhaps you should just accept it and find joy in being alone.
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    May 11, 2012 2:06 PM GMT
    I just watched about two minutes of that vid. Maybe will check it out again later but have things to get done. So just to quickly comment here: First off, you seem like a really sweet kid so somebody's gonna want you. Have a little patience with love. Probably love is going to happen for you. You'll never know the timing of it. But you've got some good thoughts and that will attract some good people.

    To your point on the quiet mind. Meditative techniques are not meant to stop you from thinking. This is what we do. We think. We think think think think think think think think think and it doesn't fucking stop. So get used to it. In fact, there are trance states aka lucid dreaming states whereby you can experience yourself as nothing but your thoughts in a state where only your thoughts exist and nothing else exists but your thoughts, where you have no body, where you have no exterior world, where you have no distractions, where you have only your thoughts as your entire existence. So this is our nature. We are thinkers. Meditation can help you get used to your thoughts. Not to stop your thinking, but to become comfortable with your own thinking.

    For the young mind, thinking can be overwelming, but understand that this is natural to all of us. This is what we do. So be patient not just with the outside world, but learn patience for yourself. Just give yourself some time and all the pieces you are trying to assemble will fall into place for you.
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    May 11, 2012 4:41 PM GMT
    Move out of the Pacific Northwest area. I've found people up here to be really reserved and aloof to a point where making meaningful relationships (platonic or otherwise) is an exercise in futility.
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    May 11, 2012 7:39 PM GMT
    I had to watch the video and write this response in pieces due to time constraints. Forgive me if I don't address everything here. There are a lot of similarities with the way you and I think and the way we view the world.

    1. You mentioned several times that you are concerned about how you are coming across to people. You are worried that you may say the wrong things or offend people. I think this is something that will keep you from connecting with other people. You're building up walls between you and other people because you don't want people to have a bad reaction to you. You need to break down these walls. You need to accept the fact that you will step on people's toes sometimes, you will say the wrong thing, and people may not like your style. Get used to the taste of shoe. Sometimes you'll stick your foot in your mouth. Connecting with people involves being vulnerable to making mistakes and being rejected. In the end, the good connections make all of the mistakes and embarrassment worthwhile.

    2. Sometimes when you ask yourself a question, ask the opposite question as well to give yourself some perspective. You asked why people at the party would want to talk to you. But why WOULDN'T they want to talk to you? You seem like a friendly guy. There's no reason that I can see why people shouldn't want to get to know you better. I joke on the forums a lot and act like people don't like me, but that's only for lulz. I know that plenty of people do like me. I don't know why they like me. That's a question I'll leave to the philosophers. But really, who cares? Some people like me; some people don't. It's not something that needs to be analyzed. I just try to enjoy the company of people who enjoy my company.

    3. It's not arrogant to think that people don't really understand you or everything that goes on inside your mind. It's reality. Most of our conscious existence is trapped inside our own little worlds. Because you think so much, you are more aware of this isolation. Humans aren't telepathic. We can never convey everything about ourselves to another person through words or any other medium, and no one can every completely know us. This doesn't diminish the fact that we can form bonds with other people through shared experiences and feelings. In fact, in a way, it makes those bonds more special. If we can form attachments despite how different and disconnected we all are, then that's something we can really appreciate.

    4. It's true that showing a lot of emotion can put some people off. Guys are more stereotypically bad at dealing with emotions. It's a not-so-fun aspect of being gay - dealing with a relationship where you have potentionally two guys who don't know how to communicate. I'm not great at it myself. I can more easily deal with other people's feelings than I can deal with my own. I still try to put myself out there sometimes, and it isn't always met with a good response. Something that may help is to try not to letting your feelings bottle up so much that they come out in one huge blast. You can find multiple outlets. Different people benefit from different activities. Try punching a bag at the gym or going for a run. Try doing some volunteer work. Try joining a sport.

    5. It's sounds that, like me, you think too much. I can never shut my brain off. Even when I'm sleeping, I can tell through my dreams that my mind is racing a mile a minute. I'm working on trying to meditate and calm my brain down. I wish my body had that much energy. Some of the activities I mentioned above can also be healthy distractions that can turn your mind to other thoughts rather than being so focused inwardly. I liken mental pain to physical pain. The more you focus on it, the more it hurts. I'm not talking about being in denial. That's not healthy. I'm talking about focusing on other mental tasks so that you aren't shining a bright spotlight on your problems and making them grown in your mind until they overwhelm you.

    That's all I can think of for now. I hope this helps. Don't hesitate to contact me directly if you feel like talking or if you feel like I can be of some assistance.
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    May 12, 2012 4:43 AM GMT
    Have you ever had real friends?
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    May 12, 2012 4:47 AM GMT
    I appreciate your post.
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    May 12, 2012 6:00 AM GMT
    You seem to be a fine young man. Go out to places where you can start up conversations with people and get yourself to listen to what they have to say about their lives. Be genuinely interested, and it will take the focus off what's going on in your head.

    Also, I bet you could channel all your thoughts into writing stories about your life, even everyday happenings. The point is to keep your mind busy doing productive things. Got any hobbies?

    Don't worry, OK?
  • tautomer

    Posts: 1010

    May 12, 2012 7:07 AM GMT
    I just got home (long day) and I am exausted so I don't have a lot of energy to reply in full to everyone.

    Either way, I appreciate and value each and everyone of everyones words of support and care. I really did have an epiphany about all of this while I made that video last night. The key is not to find the right people, the key is to freely express myself in a way that I actually identify with. Finding good people will come naturally through that. I simply have to stop being so negative and self-defeating, and not entertain depressive thoughts. Being active will help by getting out more. This term in school is extremely busy for me so I am taking about 3 months off from the gym, and I have noticed my mind being a lot more off since I have been out of there. Come the end of june I can resume that activity.

    Again, thank you everyone. This is very encouraging to hear everyones thoughts and support. It has given me some additional tools to help move on from this.
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    May 12, 2012 9:20 AM GMT
    Stop feeling sorry over nothing that's simply nothing and try to start over with actually something for a change.




    I don't think you've reached an epiphany @11:05, but the video seems rambling to me.

    About the video: You want to experience some kind of existence outside of existence? "Shoot beams out of yourself" you said?

    And @9:58 "you don't want to cause someone else discomfort by reaching out to them." ...then you'll end up alone.

  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    May 12, 2012 10:29 AM GMT
    Wow, I loved your video.
    Yes, I watched and listened to the entire thing, while I took notes.

    I have a lot to say, and I hope that you will read all of it.

    I can hear the emotion in your voice, and I can tell how unhappy you are, and I want to give you a hug and make everything better.

    Again and again, your actions and expectations are throwing up roadblocks, and pushing people away.

    I also have a very poor memory. I simply accept that that's the way I am. I very often write notes so that I don't forget important things.

    I also think, constantly. I can be reading a book, have a song going through my mind, and be thinking about something else, all at the same time.

    You talk about what you think that you're "supposed" to be.
    All you're supposed to be is YOU.

    What you had to say about the party with coworkers, made me believe that you think that you're unworthy of others friendship and admiration and love, even though they made a conscious effort to reach out to you, not because they thought they HAD to, but because they WANTED to. They like you.

    I see that you EXPECT rejection and bad reactions from others.
    And, that drives people away from you.

    Think about what you're doing about this situation.
    As creepy old Dr. Phil would say, "HOW'S THAT WORKING FOR YOU ?"
    And, of course, the answer is that it's not working for you.

    Are you willing to make some changes ?
    Are you willing to try something different ?
    And, rolling your eyes is not allowed. LOL.

    To make it happen, you've got to pretend until the new and different things you're going to do, become natural and automatic. These are changes that will endear people to you and draw people to you, instead of pushing them away.

    1) Go on amazon.com and order the book, "You Can Heal Your Life," by Louise Hay. It costs just a few dollars. Read it and try the lessons.

    2) Sing. You can sing in the car, in the shower, where ever. You're not singing to impress anyone. You're singing for yourself. You don't need to learn all the words. You don't need to learn entire songs. Just pick something, even if it's just an old Elvis tune.

    3) Smile. There was not one single hint of a smile or a laugh, in your entire video. Practice smiling at coworkers and at store clerks.

    4) Speak. Say something nice to your coworkers and your fellow gym members, and those same store clerks.
    ---At the gym, "Wow, nice shorts. Where did you get them ?" And, smile when you say it.
    ---At work, "What a beautiful day !" Smile.
    ---Store clerks, "How's everything, today ?" Smile.

    5) Exercise. There are a LOT more benefits to working out with weights than just getting bigger muscles. Working out makes you a happier person. Same thing if you choose running or swimming or walking or bicycling.

    6) Get a dog. Having and caring for a dog makes you change your attitude. And, you get free, unconditional love, in return. Also, when you take him out for a walk, people will automatically strike up a conversation with you. Smile and join the conversation, even if it's just a few words about your dog's name and age. Smile. The secret is that you're interacting with other people, without even thinking about it.

    7) Hand out business cards. I know this sounds crazy. One day, I was working out at the gym, and this guy stopped in at the little cafe that was located near the front entrance. All of a sudden, he walked into the gym and walked right over to me. He handed me his card, SMILED, and told me to call him if I wanted to get together, sometime. Then, he turned around, and left. When I got home, I called him. We got together, and had a good time.

    The most important thing is your expectations.
    And, right now, I see you expecting nothing but negative things.

    I can also see that you're a lovely man, inside and out.
    But, you're not letting other people see that.

    PLEASE, go on amazon.com and order the book.

    It's worth a try.
    And, don't you deserve a better, happier life than you have, right now ?
    This is where you say, "YES !"

    You can do this.

    Hugs.