Best friend is not talking to me...advice?

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    May 14, 2012 1:13 AM GMT
    So my best friend (or ex-best friend now) and I work together in a retail chain.

    She works full-time, and I work part-time because I'm also a full time student. When I was hired, I was hired at a slightly higher rate than her, because I had previous experience which she did not. This kind of bugged her, but she never made a huge deal about it.

    We've both been dying to get out of our jobs. I applied for a new job, and she applied to the same one. I received a phone call to go on the interview, and I got the job (they were offering more money).

    When I told my job I was leaving, I was approached in my store by the district manger, who told me he would try to work something out for me in order to keep me. My friend pulled me aside, and asked me what he said. When I told her that he said he would try to work something out for me, she got all pissed off and stormed away and kind of made a big fuss about it. Other people at work were wondering why she was upset. I was afraid she was going to get angry, and slip and tell someone...

    Finally, a few days later the district manager said he had gotten me approved for a raise. I agreed to stay, but he told me that I was not to tell ANYONE about it. I asked him what I should tell everyone the reason I was staying was, since I'm sure my co-workers would be asking, after I had already put my 2 weeks notice in. He told me to tell them that once things got finalized with the new job, they couldn't offer me enough hours. So that's what I told everyone, including my best friend.

    After I told the new place I wouldn't be working for them, they called my friend to go on an interview. She decided not to show up for her interview, since I had told her that they couldn't offer enough hours. Knowing this wasn't true, but at the same time not wanting to risk my job because of her temper and knowing she might slip, I pushed her to go on the interview anyway. I wanted her to get the new job and make more money, so I tried giving her hints that she should go on the interview anyway.

    I recently ended up telling her the truth, and now she is mad at me and not talking to me. I even wrote her a long explanation/apology, but she never wrote back and ignored me all day at work today and even made a comment on Twitter that I'm sure was directed toward me (I didn't write back because I'm not into the whole fighting via Facebook/Twitter, as I find it immature and I can't stand drama).

    I felt really guilty when I found out she wasn't going on the interview, and I kept harassing her to go. I was just afraid to tell her the real reason since I was told not to, and I know she has a tendency to get angry/jealous when she finds out that I make more money than her, or that I might be getting a raise.

    Am I wrong here? Should I do anything else, aside from the long explanation and apology I already sent her? I still feel really guilty, since she is my best friend and I should have trusted her, but I know how she gets sometimes, and I didn't want to risk my job...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 14, 2012 1:14 AM GMT
    Pro tip: don't work with friends.
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    May 14, 2012 1:16 AM GMT
    Anduru saidPro tip: don't work with friends.


    I definitely agree with this now, and I'll never do it again.
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    May 14, 2012 3:27 AM GMT
    Well, your first mistake was telling her the truth. You obviously meant well but your friend sounds very petty. Honesty is not always the best policy with some people.

    Should you feel guilty? No. Your friend sounds like an ***hole. You did nothing wrong. Should you do anything else? Other than stop trying to reconcile things with her, I would say no.
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    May 14, 2012 3:31 AM GMT
    It's not your fault that she isn't trustworthy. I'm sure if you had felt she could keep a secret you'd have told her, right?
  • Just_Tim

    Posts: 1723

    May 14, 2012 3:36 AM GMT
    It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong, man. She seems to be being, and I know this a stretch for women, a tad unreasonable.
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    May 14, 2012 3:42 AM GMT
    this is a warm up for real life. it sucks but its true. professional people know that sometimes you don't get the job you want because there are other people out there with better skills, more experience, or greater personal maturity and responsibility. this is a fact of life. if she's upset at you because she didn't measure up, then its not your fault. its her lack of maturity. she should be able to see that you tried to help/encourage her and you were a being a good friend (you explained it in a letter) despite the awkwardness of the insider information you had access to. nevertheless, perhaps you revealed too much of what your boss asked you to keep private, and it backfired.

    sometimes you will have to be loyal to both sides of a situation and try your best to be neutral.
  • offshore

    Posts: 1294

    May 14, 2012 3:45 AM GMT
    Sounds like a total bitch. Be glad she is no longer your friend.
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    May 14, 2012 3:47 AM GMT
    Scruffypup saidIt's not your fault that she isn't trustworthy. I'm sure if you had felt she could keep a secret you'd have told her, right?


    Yes. If it hadn't been for her reaction that first night (when I told her the DM said he'd try to work something out for me, and she made a big fuss at work), I would've told her the truth despite being told not to.
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    May 14, 2012 3:50 AM GMT
    Sigh. Since you're in college, keep a sharp eye for a course I didn't take: workplace psychology (I think that's what it's called.)

    Wait 'till you get into the real world and your career hangs in the balance on coworkers who need therapy or are in waaaay over their heads.
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    May 14, 2012 3:55 AM GMT
    SHE is not your best friend. SHE is a drama queen. Stay clear of her. She has issues and you don't want to be the one she works through those issues with/on/at.
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    May 14, 2012 3:59 AM GMT
    countrycityboy said
    Scruffypup saidIt's not your fault that she isn't trustworthy. I'm sure if you had felt she could keep a secret you'd have told her, right?


    Yes. If it hadn't been for her reaction that first night (when I told her the DM said he'd try to work something out for me, and she made a big fuss at work), I would've told her the truth despite being told not to.


    So there is your answer. You've done nothing wrong. You can't behave in an untrustworthy manner, and then get all butt hurt when the person doesn't trust you anymore.

    I've found females very hard to be friends with in general. They frequently have estrogen poisoning. icon_neutral.gif
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    May 14, 2012 5:22 AM GMT
    Sounds to me like she has a problem with jealousy. I would say don't be too worried about losing her friendship. Make friends with other, more stable people.
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    May 14, 2012 5:40 AM GMT
    KentuckyTuss saidSounds to me like she has a problem with jealousy. I would say don't be too worried about losing her friendship. Make friends with other, more stable people.


    I have to say I agree with this. Yeah it sucks having a friend mad at you, but you have to realize that women are mind magicians and can somehow make you feel guilty even though it really is their fault.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    May 14, 2012 6:33 AM GMT
    A) You should have told the truth, in the first place.
    B) You need a real "best friend. She isn't even a friend.
  • Karl

    Posts: 5787

    May 14, 2012 6:36 AM GMT
    You call her "best friend" ?
    okay.
    IMO, She isnt your best friend.
    Search for someone deserves your friendship.
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    May 14, 2012 7:16 AM GMT
    @kingmo and @RobertF64 has it well summed up for you man.

    Don't be too hard on yourself. You are only starting out and obviously very bright and you are liked well with your Boss. Also you have proved you can move on if you wish. Sometimes we tell people too much too soon, and sometimes in the workplace it is better to move along with caution when it comes to dealing with coworkers. You have done your best with this so called friend. I would let it settle now and give her the space to deal with it. Be nice and friendly to her if she wishes to befriend you again but be wary if she tries to drag information out of you. Learn to be vague. Best of luck in College, your future career and life situations.
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    May 14, 2012 7:37 AM GMT
    countrycityboy saidSo my best friend (or ex-best friend now) and I work together in a retail chain.

    She works full-time, and I work part-time because I'm also a full time student. When I was hired, I was hired at a slightly higher rate than her, because I had previous experience which she did not. This kind of bugged her, but she never made a huge deal about it.

    We've both been dying to get out of our jobs. I applied for a new job, and she applied to the same one. I received a phone call to go on the interview, and I got the job (they were offering more money).

    When I told my job I was leaving, I was approached in my store by the district manger, who told me he would try to work something out for me in order to keep me. My friend pulled me aside, and asked me what he said. When I told her that he said he would try to work something out for me, she got all pissed off and stormed away and kind of made a big fuss about it. Other people at work were wondering why she was upset. I was afraid she was going to get angry, and slip and tell someone...

    Finally, a few days later the district manager said he had gotten me approved for a raise. I agreed to stay, but he told me that I was not to tell ANYONE about it. I asked him what I should tell everyone the reason I was staying was, since I'm sure my co-workers would be asking, after I had already put my 2 weeks notice in. He told me to tell them that once things got finalized with the new job, they couldn't offer me enough hours. So that's what I told everyone, including my best friend.

    After I told the new place I wouldn't be working for them, they called my friend to go on an interview. She decided not to show up for her interview, since I had told her that they couldn't offer enough hours. Knowing this wasn't true, but at the same time not wanting to risk my job because of her temper and knowing she might slip, I pushed her to go on the interview anyway. I wanted her to get the new job and make more money, so I tried giving her hints that she should go on the interview anyway.

    I recently ended up telling her the truth, and now she is mad at me and not talking to me. I even wrote her a long explanation/apology, but she never wrote back and ignored me all day at work today and even made a comment on Twitter that I'm sure was directed toward me (I didn't write back because I'm not into the whole fighting via Facebook/Twitter, as I find it immature and I can't stand drama).

    I felt really guilty when I found out she wasn't going on the interview, and I kept harassing her to go. I was just afraid to tell her the real reason since I was told not to, and I know she has a tendency to get angry/jealous when she finds out that I make more money than her, or that I might be getting a raise.

    Am I wrong here? Should I do anything else, aside from the long explanation and apology I already sent her? I still feel really guilty, since she is my best friend and I should have trusted her, but I know how she gets sometimes, and I didn't want to risk my job...


    You were trying to keep morals where they should be throughout this whole ordeal; you can't beat them all, they will still remain strong. Give others in the situation the opportunity to sort out how they were involved and then pick up the issue when you are more ready. Glad to see you know how to play the "job offer or raise" in such away you come out the winner! Congrats on the raise!
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    May 14, 2012 9:25 AM GMT
    Not your friend. Move on.
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    May 14, 2012 9:43 AM GMT
    It sounds like she's an immature little girl to me.
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    May 14, 2012 9:45 AM GMT
    It seems like your friend is the one with the problem.

    It reads like the relationship is one sided. I can understand being a bit uncomfortable about the pay scale thing, but that isn't your fault and she can't hold you accountable for that. - This is why money is usually a taboo subject in this situation.

    If anything, she owes you an apology. I think you should back off and let her approach you. You do not need to feel guilty because you did nothing wrong.
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    May 14, 2012 9:48 AM GMT
    You should have told her the truth.

    On the other hand she is not your best friend,and you need to get a new one.

    She sounds too immature.

    Hopefully she is trustworthy.
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    May 14, 2012 10:23 AM GMT
    I get where you are coming from but all this could have been avoided had you exercised judgment on your part. When you first got hired you should never have told her how much you made especially if you knew what her temperament was like.

    You're a big boy so when people like your friend start getting nosy you need to learn how to tell them to mind their own business while smiling the whole time. It's called tact and it seems to be a dying art these days. Your store manager found out you got another and basically offered you more money to keep you. No surprise there since a good boss will always want to keep good employees if they can afford to. You should've had a private meeting about this instead of a hallway one, which is what it seems like you did since your friend easily found out. From there you made the mistake of airing your business to her (you were told not to) and clearly forgot what her temperament was like. Who the fuck cares what her or other co-workers think or ask concerning your reasoning on staying or going? It's none of their business and you don't have to explain anything to them and, technically, you shouldn't on a professional level. You aren't obligated to so the fact that you put so much thought into what others would think and ask was somewhat of a downfall for you (in my opinion) and you made the mistake of telling your friend at that (partly anyway).

    You basically lied to her about the job thinking that would spare her feelings and in turn became the reason for her not wanting to go to the other job. You made shit worse. You would've been better off not saying anything at all and in reality that's exactly what you should've done.

    Again, I get that she went all bitch mode on you and has some insecurity/inferior issues when it comes to money but you can't act like a victim in all this.You caused this and it had consequences as you sorely found out. All in all, if she is gonna be all bitchy about it and doesn't want to be your friend because of her shortcomings then that's her problem and clearly she isn't that good of a friend but you need to take responsibility of this situation and learn how to apply some common sense to certain situations when dealing with people, friend or otherwise, in the workplace.

    At the end of the day your bills are being paid and I would suggest if you are gonna work with friends (or anyone for that matter) then work with those who don't have issues when it comes to money and know how to separate personal life from business life. Basically, know how to keep it professional.
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    May 14, 2012 10:34 AM GMT
    OP, you're wrong. You're wrong because you shared details of your pay with your friend (co-worker), and you're wrong because you told her about the confidential conversation your district manager had with you.

    Most legit companies are legally permitted to fire you for telling these things to your associates.
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    May 14, 2012 10:44 AM GMT
    ^^ Have to agree.