When your dad seems to hate you...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2012 5:46 AM GMT
    ...but not for being gay.

    How do you handle a dad who does things like pull you aside at a christmas party and tell you that the only reason people are being nice and talking to you is because they feel sorry for you? Or ridicule you for working a $9/hr job and leading a "$9/hr life" as if you were content to remain at that pay grade and not move up? Or threaten to have your car towed because the maintenance you were doing in his garage is taking too long?

    Basically...how do i make myself stop wanting a proper relationship with this man? Every ounce of logic and common sense in my body screams that I shouldn't care what he says and that I shouldn't let his words hurt me but deep in my heart I desperately want a good father-son relationship with him but every time i try to get close or create a situation in which we could possibly bond he either won't participate or he finds faults and then blows his top. icon_sad.gif
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    May 15, 2012 5:52 AM GMT
    Sounds like its more than just a $9/hr job. I think thats just the available excuse. I'd suggest a sit down with the guy but I dunno your dad like you do.
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    May 15, 2012 5:58 AM GMT
    Claystation saidSounds like its more than just a $9/hr job. I think thats just the available excuse. I'd suggest a sit down with the guy but I dunno your dad like you do.


    That was just a few bullet points, the $9/hr bit i'm not worried about (obviously i plan to climb the pay ladder) and frankly my aunt/2ndMom thinks its because he's a little jealous that I work at a race track and get to hang out with guys who race Ferrari and other exotics on a daily basis...

    unfortunately the concept of a "sit down" has eluded him thus far. The closest he's gotten is a "you sit down and listen to what i say"
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    May 15, 2012 6:00 AM GMT
    AMoonHawk saidSome parents never grew up themselves ... I'm sorry you'll just have to be the adult in this situation and move out when you get your first chance .. perhaps then your relationship will improve.


    I moved out five years ago. I'm still slightly financially dependent on them though, namely in the form of my university tuition.
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    May 15, 2012 6:02 AM GMT
    RoadsterRacer87 said

    unfortunately the concept of a "sit down" has eluded him thus far. The closest he's gotten is a "you sit down and listen to what i say"


    Well you might need to be more assertive. My uncle HATES me. He hates that I am gay, he hates that I am not his nephew (by blood) hes a real piece of work. So one day I told him we are going to sit down and talk this out (this was before I knew why he hated me). We sat down talked, I learned that he hates me for things that are out of my control and that was about it. Can't really do anything about it, don't really care to honestly BUT at least things were made clear. So if you can find out whats really bugging him then maybe its something fixable but if its not, well at least you will know.
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    May 15, 2012 6:07 AM GMT
    Its funny I used to think this of my dad he was always on my case. We had a "dramatic" relationship. We would always argue and he'd constantly tell me what i was doing wrong. He was a tradesman and quite a mans man. When i came out he didnt bat an eyelid, he reacted better than my mum.

    I think we are very similar and now he's gone I miss having him to talk too.

    I have also been tidying up some old pix (slides actually, anyone remember them?) and I never noticed at the time how he looked at me with love in his eyes.
    As I have gotten older I am way more forgiving of him than I ever was earlier. Many times I now understand how parents project their own life wishes upon their kids, I see it now with my Bros and sister and their kids.
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    May 15, 2012 6:10 AM GMT
    Tell your dad to STFU. Even airline pilots making $20-30K a year are in negotiations for a possible a pay cut by some major carriers.
    What used to be the rock star of the sky is now an aeronautical fast food manager.
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    May 15, 2012 6:29 AM GMT
    ozondamove saidIts funny I used to think this of my dad he was always on my case. We had a "dramatic" relationship. We would always argue and he'd constantly tell me what i was doing wrong. He was a tradesman and quite a mans man. When i came out he didnt bat an eyelid, he reacted better than my mum.

    I think we are very similar and now he's gone I miss having him to talk too.

    I have also been tidying up some old pix (slides actually, anyone remember them?) and I never noticed at the time how he looked at me with love in his eyes.
    As I have gotten older I am way more forgiving of him than I ever was earlier. Many times I now understand how parents project their own life wishes upon their kids, I see it now with my Bros and sister and their kids.


    unfortunately, he's never looked at me lovingly. Most frequently with a cold frustration, barely hiding a hateful glare that makes you think he's about to hit you (especially when i'm conversing passionately with someone). In fact, because he used to [hit me] all of my friends and family know not to make sudden moves around me when we're disagreeing or having an (normal) argument because it freaks me out (sort of the way you don't pick up a shoe or slipper around a dog that's been abused).

    I know he's an asshole. He's trying to be a good dad but he doesn't have the correct set of social skills. I guess this thread is just some attempt to not feel alone on the issue. The rest of my family is incredibly warm and loving (aunts, uncles, grandparents) and they're the reason I'm still here today
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    May 15, 2012 1:22 PM GMT
    Another person summed it up correctly: Your dad is a bully.

    It may be because he is insecure and he takes it out on you, or it may be because he was bullied and belittled by HIS father, and he's projecting that onto you. Regardless, it doesn't matter because his behavior is ABUSIVE.

    Don't stand for that. Doesn't matter that he's your dad. We owe our parents nothing.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    May 15, 2012 1:28 PM GMT
    ChangeofName saidUr dad is a bully. Sorry




    YUP icon_exclaim.gif





    icon_sad.gif
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    May 15, 2012 1:43 PM GMT
    Sometimes a father will blame his son for HIS past failures, and "take it out" on the son.



    icon_idea.gif
  • camfer

    Posts: 892

    May 15, 2012 1:46 PM GMT
    I think the way to handle it is to minimize your interaction with your dad and cultivate an older male mentor who actually respects and values you. There's no law that says you have to try to get along with someone who is abusive to you. Ignore him as much as possible. He may never change.
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    May 15, 2012 1:50 PM GMT
    The most freeing moment is when I emotionally grew up and Mom became Linda. She was still selfish and needy as ever. The difference is that those moments no longer hurt me because emotionally my Mom said it to me. The person who is my Mom named Linda said it and that made all the difference in the world.
    You can't change others but you can change yourself and how you choose to react to situations. Becoming a man is more than physically taken care of yourself. It is also emotionally being able to take care of yourself. Sounds like you are capable of doing a better job of it than your Dad can anyway.
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    May 15, 2012 1:53 PM GMT
    camfer saidI think the way to handle it is to minimize your interaction with your dad and cultivate an older male mentor who actually respects and values you. There's no law that says you have to try to get along with someone who is abusive to you. Ignore him as much as possible. He may never change.


    Well put!
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    May 15, 2012 1:56 PM GMT
    NC3athlete saidAnother person summed it up correctly: Your dad is a bully.

    It may be because he is insecure and he takes it out on you, or it may be because he was bullied and belittled by HIS father, and he's projecting that onto you. Regardless, it doesn't matter because his behavior is ABUSIVE.

    Don't stand for that. Doesn't matter that he's your dad. We owe our parents nothing.

    Agree on the bully part, disagree on owing parents "nothing." Especially since the OP says he's getting tuition support from them.

    At least it's helpful that other relatives are more accepting and reasonable. We've heard stories here in which the whole family is like this father.

    The OP says the conflict isn't rooted in his being gay. I wouldn't bet on that. These other issues like wages and car repairs in the garage may be surrogates for what's really Dad's problem, that he may not want to discuss and reveal his true feelings, perhaps because he realizes it's neither negotiable nor alterable. So he fixates on things that CAN be changed, making him feel a little less impotent on the big issue that most deeply bothers him.

    And BTW, as for the Christmas party, I think the OP looks friendly and outgoing enough to make him popular on his own, without the need for people to feel sorry for him. And does the OP know his father's own childhood history?

    Mine lost his father at age 8, and his mother never remarried, so he grew up without a father. That same year a farm accident took some of his fingers. Then, because of financial needs, his mother made him leave school after 8th grade to go to work, legal in those days.

    All those things made my father often deeply self-conscious, feeling inferior even to me, and to have limited parenting skills. Rough & confusing for me growing up, but fortunately I realized the cause by the time I was the OP's age. And if anything began to respect him more for what he had survived, and how well he had done in life despite the personal setbacks. Maybe the OP's Dad is the same way?
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    May 15, 2012 2:00 PM GMT
    JPtheBITCH said
    NC3athlete said We owe our parents nothing.

    We owe our parents nothing when they act abusively, that's for sure.
    I think we owe a lot to good and loving parents.


    Yep, sorry about my sweeping statement there. Yes, parents who have been supportive and loving are owed much.
  • CuriousJockAZ

    Posts: 19129

    May 15, 2012 2:08 PM GMT
    RoadsterRacer87 said...but not for being gay.

    How do you handle a dad who does things like pull you aside at a christmas party and tell you that the only reason people are being nice and talking to you is because they feel sorry for you? Or ridicule you for working a $9/hr job and leading a "$9/hr life" as if you were content to remain at that pay grade and not move up? Or threaten to have your car towed because the maintenance you were doing in his garage is taking too long?

    Basically...how do i make myself stop wanting a proper relationship with this man? Every ounce of logic and common sense in my body screams that I shouldn't care what he says and that I shouldn't let his words hurt me but deep in my heart I desperately want a good father-son relationship with him but every time i try to get close or create a situation in which we could possibly bond he either won't participate or he finds faults and then blows his top. icon_sad.gif




    How much longer are you going to be dependent on your parents for tuition? You're 25, what are you studying to be?
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    May 15, 2012 2:10 PM GMT
    My dad is dead. He doesn't hate anybody.
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    May 15, 2012 2:17 PM GMT
    My relationship with my father is a little different than yours, but it's extremely difficult nonetheless... It helps me to think of my dad as having Asperger's. He may very well have a mild form of AS, which would help explain his bizarre, cold, difficult disposition... but whether he has it or not, it helps me to think of him in terms of being "sick" or mentally ill. I wouldn't expect an ideal parent-child relationship from a sick person, so it frees me of having expectations. He doesn't seem to live up to any expectations I've ever put on him, so why do it? Some of us get shitty fathers. Which is awful, it really is. But I can't change mine, so, I think of him as having some handicap that prevents him from being a decent father and human being. It helps me. Hope you find what helps you.
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    May 15, 2012 2:33 PM GMT
    I had this very conversation with one of my cousins last night. They were just in Orlando last weekend, I was supposed to meet them but at the last minute she asked me not to come because her father was acting up and her husband was fighting back and it was horrible for her.

    Apparently he treats just about everyone like shit. Not me though. I actually always thought he was a nice guy aside from all the stories I've heard over the years. Her mom was supposedly abusive too (once pulled a knife on my cousin) yet also with me she was always very nice. But I do believe my cousin's stories about them.

    So this weekend the husband was fighting back against his 85-year-old father-in-law and my cousin says her father was being an absolute shit, completely unappreciative of everything they were doing for him.

    For her lifetime, he treated her like crap. Her parents actually told her that she was worthless shit. At the same time, they constantly praise her brother, a curator and successful artist, having had his own shows in Washington & I think also NY galleries, a very well-connected guy who has only minimal contact with his dad (as he similarly avoided their mom who died a year or two ago). So all of the work falls on his sister. He sends some money to help out. It is bullshit.

    So even though the dad praises the son, he sees him treating others like shit and he distances himself from his father, as he did from his abusive mother. But my cousin who receives all the crap from her father still feels the need to be helpful to him, and I'm talking helpful on a daily basis. Plus she works her ass off and her husband has huge medical issues that she deals with daily. I feel so terrible for her. She wants desperately to have a relationship with her parent and does everything to maintain it.

    After many years of this (we are in our 50s) it is starting to wear her down and last night I actually told her that she needs to go out and get laid. Or at least a spa day. She needs to have someone pamper her. I might call her brother and tell him he needs to start sending her to a spa on a monthly basis to make up for the work he does not do for his dad. That should go over well.

    It's unbelieveable the abuse we put ourselves through sometimes, all for the sake of love. I suppose in the end you have to judge for yourself if it is worth it. What is more painful, taking the abuse of someone who refuses to change or live a life missing them entirely. Both options suck. I don't even know if there is a good answer to that. Life isn't always so neat and tidy to tiptoe through. Often it is messy & ugly and we just plow through it.
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    May 15, 2012 2:36 PM GMT
    RoadsterRacer87 said...but not for being gay.

    How do you handle a dad who does things like pull you aside at a christmas party and tell you that the only reason people are being nice and talking to you is because they feel sorry for you? Or ridicule you for working a $9/hr job and leading a "$9/hr life" as if you were content to remain at that pay grade and not move up? Or threaten to have your car towed because the maintenance you were doing in his garage is taking too long?

    Basically...how do i make myself stop wanting a proper relationship with this man? Every ounce of logic and common sense in my body screams that I shouldn't care what he says and that I shouldn't let his words hurt me but deep in my heart I desperately want a good father-son relationship with him but every time i try to get close or create a situation in which we could possibly bond he either won't participate or he finds faults and then blows his top. icon_sad.gif


    Your dad's comments may actually not be "about you", but his own feelings about himself. You're 25, living in an economically depressed region and period, and he may view your life challenges as his own failure.

    In any case, what he's saying to you is out of line.

    Have an adult conversation with him and draw the line with your boundaries. Tell him that you do not tolerate such comments from strangers and that you will not tolerate comments like that from him. And, if he wishes to enjoy your company in his life, then he either needs to be nice or please keep his negative comments to himself.

    I don't know if you're still living under his roof or not. If you are, you may have to tolerate his bullshit. If you're not living under his roof, then you have no reason to put up with psychological abuse.

    There's nothing wrong with wanting a healthy relationship with anybody, especially a parent. However, it takes two people to make a relationship happen.

    When I am with my own family, we have a really good relationship among us. Even then, there are times when "old patterns" of behavior raise their ugly head. When that happens, I politely excuse myself and leave. After 29 years of living on my own, they get the message.

    Respect yourself. Set your boundaries. Enforce your boundaries.

    Keep showing love for your folks, even when they're being unlovable. Do that for you because one day somebody (if the natural order happens) your Dad is going to die. And, when he does you want to be able to know that you did everything you could to show your love for him even if he never shows you love back in return.

    Be the better man.

    I wish you the best. I will keep your father in my prayers.

    Aloha and Be Well!
    Alan


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    May 15, 2012 2:43 PM GMT

    Roadster. . .

    Here's what you gatta do man: (1) Download Rascall Flatts "I'm Movin' On." (2) Play it again and again and again until you can't get it out of your head. (3) Repeat each time you feel yourself slipping back into that morass you're callin' a relationship with your Dad.

    Took me 'till my 50s to figure this out. Worked like a charm. And the strange thing is, NOW I got respect from the whole dan fambily.

    You're gonna get through this man, and you're gonna find it a whole LOT better on the other side.

    Regards,
    Jay
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    May 15, 2012 2:49 PM GMT
    One thing I have learned from my own issues... you have to pick and choose your own fights- be smart in how to engage him
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    May 15, 2012 2:53 PM GMT
    Your relationship with your dad "is what it is" dude. Hes a person too and just as fallible as any other human. We put high expectations on our parents and often times they let us down. You rea grown man now and should not be dependent on him for anything. Time to move on, stop blaming your dad for past mistakes, and decide what type of relationship u want with him from here on out. If u dont break all ties, consider establishing a relationship of equals between two grown men and step away from the father/son type interaction.
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    May 15, 2012 2:56 PM GMT
    catfish5 saidYour relationship with your dad "is what it is" dude. Hes a person too and just as fallible as any other human. We put high expectations on our parents and often times they let us down. You rea grown man now and should not be dependent on him for anything. Time to move on, stop blaming your dad for past mistakes, and decide what type of relationship u want with him from here on out.






    Amen

    Catfish you hit right on