Too Available?

  • avgj0e

    Posts: 7

    May 15, 2012 5:39 PM GMT
    Partner and I have been together going on 9 years...or is it 10 I forget icon_smile.gif

    Needless to say we've been through a lot in the relationship. However something changed a year or so ago and I can't figure it out.

    A little back story.

    I've been 100% faithful all 9 years. I've only ever played with others with his permission. However I'm not so sure he can say the same. I don't have proof but I've seen things that make my guts feel sick. While doing our taxes last year I found receipts for a porn arcade, we all know what purpose a person visits one of those places. Ive caught him trying to hook up with guys behind my back. So in short I sometimes have a hard time trusting that I'm getting the truth from him. He swears he's never cheated but my gut says otherwise, and I consider myself pretty intuitive.

    Anyway...

    Our sex life has severely dropped off in the last year or two. What was usually good sex once or twice a week has become once a month to sometimes once every 2 months. We tried an open relationship for a very short time but he doesn't like the type of guys I normally attract, attractive older well off men. So that stopped very quick.

    I've made it very well known that sex is very important to me and if I don't get it I get very frustrated and start to feel unwanted or that someone else is getting it instead of me. Whenever he wants sex from me he gets it. To this day he still drives me crazy. All I have to do is catch a glimpse of his bulge and I'm pitching a tent. Or just by him touching me I'm ready to go lol.

    On the flip side. If I ask for sex he either ignores what I've said, laughs, changes the subject, or says "maybe, i dunno".

    Last week we were sittin on the couch he was laying with his head towards me. I grabbed his hand and put it in my pants. He grabbed and prodded for 30 seconds and then pulled his hand back and resumed watching tv and eventually falling asleep. Then a couple days later I came out of the shower and into the office naked were he was and stood next him. He again grabbed prodded and then was done. I got dressed and made myself scarce and I've been in a funk ever sense.

    I make myself very available to him and will drop what I'm doing in second to spend some sexy time with him. I don't get it from him in return.

    Am I making this too easy for him? I find it impossible to say no to him when he asks for sex. At this point Ive stopped asking for it and have left it up to him too decide when sex happens as I can't take the constant rejection anymore.

    What's a lonely horny guy to do!?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2012 6:42 PM GMT
    It sounds like you've lost some passion in your relationship. Perhaps you need to bring in a third or a fourth. Hell, bring in the whole football team if that would make both of you happy.
  • avgj0e

    Posts: 7

    May 15, 2012 6:58 PM GMT
    The problem is...I don't want to have sex with other guys. I'd rather it is sex with him.

    This is not an open relationship. We tried the open thing a couple months ago. We are closed again. He couldnt handle the guys that want to fool around with me. He's older im younger, 33/48
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2012 7:31 PM GMT
    so basically, it's all about his control. talk about it. get it out in the open. don't sulk about it.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2012 7:33 PM GMT
    ECnAZ saidso basically, it's all about his control. talk about it. get it out in the open. don't sulk about it.


    Communication is key, I'd have to agree. Everything you just told us, you should tell him, and see what he has to say.

    icon_smile.gif
  • Fable

    Posts: 3866

    May 15, 2012 8:00 PM GMT
    you should just show him your post.
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    May 15, 2012 8:12 PM GMT
    I think you know the answer in your heart but probably can't admit it to yourself just yet. He doesn't sound trustworthy and it seems like he's having his cake and eating it too. On the other hand, he's older and sometimes guys his age start having decreased libido because of lowered testosterone. Hopefully that's all there is to it but I'd personally doubt. A simple blood test should reveal that. If he objects to having one that should tell you something I guess.

    good luck with the talk you need to have with him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2012 8:13 PM GMT
    yea you probably are making it too easy for him. communicate with him for goodness sake, not random strangers on the internet.

    tease the shit out of him. people change over time, so discover what this 'new person' likes and what turns him on.

    Have fun! icon_evil.gif
  • Kobe_Whisky

    Posts: 192

    May 15, 2012 8:27 PM GMT
    My story..my current boyfriend is like your boyfriend. he is getting tried of his boyfriend then he found me. We love each other and had a great sex but he cant break up with his boyfriend. So, we all decided live in 3 but I already make decision if he cant break up with his boyfriend, then i will wake out soon. His boyfriend beg me to stay cuz my boyfriend love me and he rarely have sex with his boyfriend. Without me, his life get bored so he need me to keep them alive.

    I found myself is suck and stupid..I will leave them soon and let them enjoy their fucking lives.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2012 8:38 PM GMT
    Kobe_Whisky saidMy story..my current boyfriend is like your boyfriend. he is getting tried of his boyfriend then he found me. We love each other and had a great sex but he cant break up with his boyfriend. So, we all decided live in 3 but I already make decision if he cant break up with his boyfriend, then i will wake out soon. His boyfriend beg me to stay cuz my boyfriend love me and he rarely have sex with his boyfriend. Without me, his life get bored so he need me to keep them alive.

    I found myself is suck and stupid..I will leave them soon and let them enjoy their fucking lives.


    This is exactly what the original poster should have done. I think. Or maybe not.
  • avgj0e

    Posts: 7

    May 15, 2012 9:10 PM GMT
    I have left some things out because the post was getting long and I didn't want it to become disjointed and all over the place.

    He is very controlling, he either doesn't see it or won't acknowledge it. He knows that I think he's a bit too controlling these days.

    The only reason I posted this is because we've fought about my needs and our relationship many times already and nothing ever changes. We had a really bad rough patch at the begining of the year. He said 4 times in one month maybe we shouldnt be together and one time he had his bags packed already before even talking to me about something that i did that pissed him off.

    Briefly after one of our discussions things will get better...at least thats how it feels and then 2 weeks later he's back to making me feel like im just his conveintent sex thing. I'd say 80% of the time even during sex he just lays there like a dead person. I like to please him orally ;) I could be between his legs all day. If he does it, which is rare as well he's down on me for maybe a minute then he comes up breathing hard like he's been blowing me for an hour. All I can do is roll my eyes and try to make the best of it.

    Everytime I put myself out there I basically get denied from him. So basically I'm really curious to know, should I maybe not be so "easy" lol. If I put on the proverbial chastity belt will that maybe open his eyes that perhaps he neefs to put more effort into me/us.

    Obviously I'm no saint but one person can't make a relationship work.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    May 15, 2012 9:13 PM GMT
    mizzouguy10 saidYou guys aren't faithful if you asked to hook up with guys with permission.


    Fuck you. If two people are keeping their word to eachother they're faithful. The OP, takin ghim at his word here, has been wholly faithful. And open relationships can be very healthy (you don't want it that's fine). The degree of agreed openness does not appear to be a problem here.
  • neosyllogy

    Posts: 1714

    May 15, 2012 9:17 PM GMT
    YVRguy saidI think you know the answer in your heart but probably can't admit it to yourself just yet. He doesn't sound trustworthy and it seems like he's having his cake and eating it too. On the other hand, he's older and sometimes guys his age start having decreased libido because of lowered testosterone. Hopefully that's all there is to it but I'd personally doubt. A simple blood test should reveal that. If he objects to having one that should tell you something I guess.

    good luck with the talk you need to have with him.


    Good advise.
    (Playing hard to get, on the other hand, seems silly and sounds ineffective. I don't know you guys or your dynamic, but if the main problem is a lack of sex, denying him sex seems unlikely to improve that.)
  • Smiling_Eyes

    Posts: 197

    May 15, 2012 10:02 PM GMT
    That only thingthatworks is dealing with the issue headonbyengaging in a difficult conversation. I've been through this withmypartner and while it is a hard topic to address, you need to understand why he seems to lack interest and see if it is resolvable. I wish you luck.
  • avgj0e

    Posts: 7

    May 15, 2012 10:03 PM GMT
    I think it's decreased interest over decreased libido. I know he takes care of business with porn over having sex with me, and no I don't think he has a porn addiction.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 15, 2012 11:43 PM GMT
    Kobe_Whisky saidMy story..my current boyfriend is like your boyfriend. he is getting tried of his boyfriend then he found me. We love each other and had a great sex but he cant break up with his boyfriend. So, we all decided live in 3 but I already make decision if he cant break up with his boyfriend, then i will wake out soon. His boyfriend beg me to stay cuz my boyfriend love me and he rarely have sex with his boyfriend. Without me, his life get bored so he need me to keep them alive.

    I found myself is suck and stupid..I will leave them soon and let them enjoy their fucking lives.



    Wait, you're the one that posted your original thread about this situation and said you wanted nothing to do with a 3-way. Sorry, but your own damn fault for not following your own advice.
  • mikeylikes

    Posts: 53

    May 16, 2012 4:14 AM GMT
    theres no thrill. if he keeps pulling away and you keep pushing for more attention, its not going to go well. you need to back off a little and see if it makes things better. he might realize he's losing you and fight for you. if he doesnt, he clearly doesnt give two shits about you and you should cut your losses and move on.

    also, he is clearly cheating on you. i think your options are:
    1. break it off cuz hes cheating
    2. cheat back (i know its petty but it might help make you more emotionally distant, which you seemingly cant achieve otherwise)
    3. accept whats going on and decide that you'd rather have him distant and cheating than not at all.. i somehow don't think this is healthy though.
    4. confront him. i mean hes probably gonna lie and make excuses, but you need to not cave.. if you falter this will never be fixed.
  • mikeylikes

    Posts: 53

    May 16, 2012 4:15 AM GMT
    Kobe_Whisky saidMy story..my current boyfriend is like your boyfriend. he is getting tried of his boyfriend then he found me. We love each other and had a great sex but he cant break up with his boyfriend. So, we all decided live in 3 but I already make decision if he cant break up with his boyfriend, then i will wake out soon. His boyfriend beg me to stay cuz my boyfriend love me and he rarely have sex with his boyfriend. Without me, his life get bored so he need me to keep them alive.

    I found myself is suck and stupid..I will leave them soon and let them enjoy their fucking lives.



    also, i generally am not one to judge other people's relationships, as they are not my business and i don't live your life, but this situation is a mess. you need to get out

  • May 16, 2012 4:18 AM GMT
    It is over. Hope that there will be some nice memory left behind.