Paranoid about generous friends

  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    May 21, 2012 5:42 AM GMT
    One of the guys I've been chatting with from another site is a big surfer... blond, blue eyes too haha. He's 3 years older, not that it matters... maybe subsconsciously in this case? I'm not super attracted to him but he seems like a cool guy so I hinted that we could be friends (since I have like no friends here in Shanghai).

    I started surfing a year ago and haven't touched it since moving here, so I'm still a beginner. He offered to lend me equipment and teach me and stuff, but intuitively I feel like I'm in an awkward situation. I don't know how to describe it without sounding silly... I know he's probably just looking for a context to hang out, but I just wished he asked for a return favor to balance it out, like teach him jiu jitsu, lol. I also don't know why I associate one-way favors with non-platonic relationships lol.
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    May 21, 2012 5:58 AM GMT
    highforthis saidOne of the guys I've been chatting with from another site is a big surfer... blond, blue eyes too haha. He's 3 years older, not that it matters... maybe subsconsciously in this case? I'm not super attracted to him but he seems like a cool guy so I hinted that we could be friends (since I have like no friends here in Shanghai).

    I started surfing a year ago and haven't touched it since moving here, so I'm still a beginner. He offered to lend me equipment and teach me and stuff, but intuitively I feel like I'm in an awkward situation. I don't know how to describe it without sounding silly... I know he's probably just looking for a context to hang out, but I just wished he asked for a return favor to balance it out, like teach him jiu jitsu, lol. I also don't know why I associate one-way favors with non-platonic relationships lol.


    He may have another agenda with you dude, but you don't have to do anything that you don't want to with this guy. Be cautious. But I've never understood this excessive paranoia of people towards people who are just being nice to you. I guess I grew up in a time when you didn't have to be paranoid like that. Nothing ever happened to me from people who were just being human and nice because they wanted to be my friend. But keep your guard up is my advice if you are concerned, but don't become paranoid like a lot of these old dudes on here in their 20s and 30s. Sometimes people are just nice dude. lol.
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    May 21, 2012 8:48 AM GMT
    If I were in the situation, it'd be okay if he's lending you equipment for the day and then he takes back the board etc when he goes home - but, I wouldn't be comfortable taking the equipment home with me.

    I also feel uncomfortable with excess generosity.
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    May 21, 2012 8:52 AM GMT
    cold said

    I also feel uncomfortable with excess generosity.


    Everyone should. All social exchanges have their success and flourishing depend on balance. When the balance is thrown off, and it can be in several different ways (he texts you more than you do, you pay for more than he does, he's willing to drive 3 hours to see you but you aren't, you love him and he doesn't love you back, etc) the relationship eventually collapses.
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    May 21, 2012 9:37 AM GMT
    Better be careful. He may actually ask for a favor one day. icon_lol.gif

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    May 21, 2012 1:31 PM GMT
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    May 21, 2012 1:37 PM GMT
    He might be looking forward to a potential new friendship and surfing buddy. Have run into other people your age who keep score with generosity. Is this a generational thing? I grew up in the American midwest where lots of people were just generous. Even to strangers. They don't necessarily expect anything in return, or expect that a favour must be returned.

    If he started to shower you with expensive gifts, that would be a red flag. But hanging out and surfing for the day, and showing you the ropes, sounds pretty innocent.
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    May 21, 2012 1:45 PM GMT
    Just go out there and enjoy the waves. Most surfers I know are happy to lend a board to someone if it means they can make another surfer buddy.
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    May 21, 2012 2:52 PM GMT
    Nivek said...Have run into other people your age who keep score with generosity. Is this a generational thing? I grew up in the American midwest where lots of people were just generous. Even to strangers. They don't necessarily expect anything in return, or expect that a favour must be returned.....


    It could be that the more people rely on electronics, the less people rely on each other, so the less opportunity to practice trust and the more to let suspicions fester.

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    May 21, 2012 3:21 PM GMT
    Stuttershock saidJust go out there and enjoy the waves. Most surfers I know are happy to lend a board to someone if it means they can make another surfer buddy.


    +1

    Surfing alone is dangerous and not so exciting. Plus. I assume surfing is not very hot yet in Shanghai, so he's probably excited to have someone that is willing to go with him.
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    May 21, 2012 5:59 PM GMT
    It's not too unusual to lend equipment in order to get a friend into a sport. I've done it before. Even bought and sold some of it on the cheap after such exchanges, in pre-CL days.
    Anyway, it's probably better than being rejected for being a noob.
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    May 21, 2012 8:46 PM GMT
    OMG watch out, he might be a creeper in disguise. You have to learn to be accepting of other peoples generosity, it can be hard with certain personality types (like mine). Some people are just wired to be generous, and it doesn't necessarily mean that they are out to get things.

    I tend to be very generous to people I like (and I don't mean sexually, I mean personality, smarts, funny etc.). I have to keep it suppressed most of the time. And conversely it can be very hard to accept generosity in others. But you need to accept it so that your world can be balanced, and probably the act of generosity itself makes the person giving very happy, so let them be happy.

    Now, blond, blue-eyed, surfer, that pushes most of my lust buttons right there, so I would have no problem connecting with said angel icon_smile.gif
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    May 21, 2012 8:47 PM GMT
    Sounds like he wants a surfing buddy. I'm not sure how popular surfing is in Shanghai. Surfing alone is cool, but surfing with others rocks.
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    May 21, 2012 8:55 PM GMT
    tuckers_kahuna said[...] You have to learn to be accepting of other peoples generosity, it can be hard with certain personality types (like mine). Some people are just wired to be generous, and it doesn't necessarily mean that they are out to get things.

    I tend to be very generous to people I like (and I don't mean sexually, I mean personality, smarts, funny etc.). I have to keep it suppressed most of the time. And conversely it can be very hard to accept generosity in others. But you need to accept it so that your world can be balanced, and probably the act of generosity itself makes the person giving very happy, so let them be happy.
    [...]


    100%
    It's often a cultural thing. Also, knowing how to accept is part of giving.
  • Trepeat

    Posts: 546

    May 21, 2012 9:10 PM GMT
    Haha, I offered a guy I know quite casually from the local club a ride back to his place this weekend, given that we live very close to one another and I thought it would suck for him to have to take public transit back at 2 in the morning (it's a thirty minute drive from where I live to the club, and it would be easily over an hour by bus). The guy seemed pretty damned suspicious of my offer, even though I made it clear that it was just to be friendly and helpful, no alterior motive (he's not my type at all anyways).
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    May 21, 2012 9:35 PM GMT
    There's nothing wrong with generosity.

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  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    May 21, 2012 10:12 PM GMT
    tuckers_kahuna saidNow, blond, blue-eyed, surfer, that pushes most of my lust buttons right there, so I would have no problem connecting with said angel icon_smile.gif


    He's actually not that attractive lol. It's always funny how easily saying "blond/blue" evokes hotness, when the majority of them aren't nearly as hot as one imagines.

    I'm hoping to invite him to lunch today with some other friends first to make it more platonic.. is that a good idea? I've never used online dating to meet anyone other than potential lovers lol, so it feels weird
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    May 21, 2012 10:16 PM GMT
    Maybe he is just happy to find another white person in China
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    May 23, 2012 2:59 AM GMT
    Nivek saidHe might be looking forward to a potential new friendship and surfing buddy. Have run into other people your age who keep score with generosity. Is this a generational thing? I grew up in the American midwest where lots of people were just generous. Even to strangers. They don't necessarily expect anything in return, or expect that a favour must be returned.

    If he started to shower you with expensive gifts, that would be a red flag. But hanging out and surfing for the day, and showing you the ropes, sounds pretty innocent.


    Yes Nivek, this is what I was trying to say in my incompetent way. I think this paranoia may have a lot to do with where we grow up and our families too. Thanks for your excellent explanation.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    May 23, 2012 3:53 AM GMT
    Update: I invited him to lunch with some friends, he said yes, but then said he couldn't make it, and then proposed a coffee date for tomorrow haha. Wonder if that's his indirect answer to my indirect suggestion that we can be friends only.

    This is him btw:

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    May 23, 2012 3:59 AM GMT
    ^ Is he even aware you took that pic and posted it on gay website o_O
  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    May 23, 2012 4:12 AM GMT
    lol that's his facebook pic (i hvn't met him in person yet) I just resaved it so people here can't trace the pic to his account and stalk him etc haha
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    May 23, 2012 4:26 AM GMT
    JPtheBITCH said
    highforthis saidHe's actually not that attractive

    Really? I'd be interested to know what you find attractive, then. If this picture is really him, he's gorgeous.
    ^ THIS!
  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    May 23, 2012 4:26 AM GMT
    Well i kinda found the most flattering pic from his facebook haha. When I say "not that attractive" i mean not the idealized vision of hotness we associate with the blond/blue-eyed surfer. I think he's a bit above average?
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    May 23, 2012 7:45 PM GMT
    Putting his pic up not nice. Watch the oldies try to auction him off