Does the inability to get married make it too easy for gay men to cheat and break up with one another?

  • bijockmuscle

    Posts: 656

    Jul 23, 2008 7:23 PM GMT
    It seems that the inability to get married makes it easier for gay men to break up. I have met a ton of gay men who have "partners" which they claim is their spouse. Yet they seem to be breaking up quicker than hetero couples...if marriage was legal, would gay men be less willing to call their significant other a "partner" as opposed to a boyfriend?
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    Jul 23, 2008 7:28 PM GMT
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    Jul 23, 2008 7:32 PM GMT
    Absolutely.

    That, and the fact that we generally don't have children with our partners, live in an increasingly disposable-obsessed culture, and... are men.
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    Jul 23, 2008 8:06 PM GMT
    No comment. icon_lol.gif
  • BrooksideGuy

    Posts: 20

    Jul 23, 2008 8:12 PM GMT
    Marriage isn't going to force you to do ANYTHING -- commitment is what you make of it. Marriage only implies the level of connection. If two people really don't want to be together there's nothing in this world that can force them to do so.

  • maximumrisk

    Posts: 799

    Jul 23, 2008 8:13 PM GMT
    bijockmuscle saidIt seems that the inability to get married makes it easier for gay men to break up. I have met a ton of gay men who have "partners" which they claim is their spouse. Yet they seem to be breaking up quicker than hetero couples...if marriage was legal, would gay men be less willing to call their significant other a "partner" as opposed to a boyfriend?


    I dont think so, the mentality between 2 Gay men is different then from a straight couple. If 2 People decide that they dont want to be together anymore, then divorce wont hold them up.
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    Jul 23, 2008 8:13 PM GMT
    I don't think it's the inability of marriage that makes it easier for gay men to cheat and break up with one another at all. I definitely think it's possible for people to fall out of love with one another.

    Like a1972guy says, every person comes into your life for one reason or another. How long that person stays in your life is never known. However, you will grow as you have learned not only them, but also about yourself.
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    Jul 23, 2008 8:17 PM GMT
    Sedative saidNo comment. icon_lol.gif


    then why comment?

    anyway, yes. because there are less assets associated with gay coupling (kids, legally shared possesions, insurance and healthcare benefits) there is less to be lost after a split. straight people have more tangible property to lose when they divorce; who gets the house? the dog? the kids? etc.

    guys are also typically good at rationalizing things and putting themselves first so an unsatisfactory relationship is much easier to get out of when it's two logical guys who are socially conditioned to go after the best and biggest things, in this case a new man
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    Jul 23, 2008 8:20 PM GMT
    trailBLAZER said
    Sedative saidNo comment. icon_lol.gif


    then why comment?



    No comment yet again. icon_lol.gif
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    Jul 23, 2008 8:23 PM GMT
    Sedative said
    trailBLAZER said
    Sedative saidNo comment. icon_lol.gif


    then why comment?



    No comment yet again. icon_lol.gif


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  • bijockmuscle

    Posts: 656

    Jul 23, 2008 8:30 PM GMT
    muchmorethanmuscle saidI get the vibe that bijock is indirectly praising straight couples for inaccurately believing that their marriages are solid and last long or that they cheat less on their partners.



    so not the case at all!!!!!!! what is your problem buddy? my bisexuality itimidate you or something?
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    Jul 23, 2008 8:33 PM GMT
    There was an article about this topic in the New York Times a few months ago-- looking at how gay relationships have adapted in Massachusetts as gay men and women have married.

    Turns out, we're remarkably like the straights. Except we like cock (or minge in the case of lesbians).
  • fitnfunmich

    Posts: 181

    Jul 23, 2008 8:47 PM GMT
    I think you are reading too much into the thread, Muchmore. Clearly it's obvious that it is EASIER to break up when you don't have a marriage certificate getting in the way. Happens every day with straight couples too, just that typically then have a tendency to get married after being together several years, where most gays do not have the option.

    You can be partnered for decades and often separate and move out in a weekend! If you had to hire an attorney and dissolve mutual assets, etc., then of course it would be much more difficult.

    (As a former married dude, I only WISH it were easier to dissolve a bad marriage. Ironically though I now wish that I could marry my partner so we had some legal protections, but we have done everything we can in order to mesh our lives together.)
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    Jul 23, 2008 8:48 PM GMT
    muchmorethanmuscle saidI get the vibe that bijock is indirectly praising straight couples for inaccurately believing that their marriages are solid and last long or that they cheat less on their partners.

    Less straight people are getting married today than ever and yet the divorce rates vary from just over 40% to around 60%.


    I know both gays and straights that are in relationships equally that are long term. Whether they cheat on each other is not something I know nor is it my business. I don't see a higher percentage in gay men when it comes to breakups. My brother's ex-wife has been married 3x. That says a lot about her as a person. But god forbid it be a gay man were to get married 3x. No one will take him seriously or will think of him as a floozie that has no respect for something as serious as the union of matrimony to his boyfriend/fiance/partner.


    ^^what he said^^

    Plus I'd like to add that the only couples that I know who have never cheated are gay.

    Y'know just throwing that out there.
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    Jul 23, 2008 8:53 PM GMT
    My hope is that if I am allowed to legally marry another man that of course it will be well thought out and taken serious. Currently, I have a mixed bag of friends who either use the term partner, boyfriend, or lover. If there is a split some times it's very fast but even without a legal document I've seen non "legally" married gay couples have a very tough time going their separate ways when the relationship is dissolved. So I think it also comes down to how much was invested along the way.

    No, that it makes it easier to cheat. Yes, I suppose financially the split is easier when it happens but again that also depends on the investments.
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    Jul 23, 2008 8:56 PM GMT
    I don't think it should be a reason. And I don't think it is. Men who cheat are just sex pigs who doesn't deserve anyone. It doesn't matter whether you can get married or not, that's just paper people, my God. *insert eye roll here*
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    Jul 23, 2008 8:59 PM GMT
    The original post is asking two questions which I'll address here.

    Being married legally is no assurance that your relationship will work out, as can be observed by the divorce rates among heteros (who, contrary to what the right claims, are doing a fine job of fucking up their "sanctity" all on their own, not counting MA or CA)...actually being married may be worse for your relationship, but I don't have any references for that comment. There are a whole host of reasons why gay couples break up, some of which include the social stigma and discrimination gays & lesbians experience as well as the homophobia all but practiced (and encouraged by a media which either gives a mythological, pathological, or severely biased view of what real gay men and women look like and are about) and condoned thoughout Society.

    About calling your other a "partner" it falls in line with the adoption of business semantics to describe the most un-business like transactions (see?) and has always felt a bit cold to me. Boyfriend isn't much better, as it apes heteronormativity, but "my man" works quite nicely.

    Anyway, my 2 cents.
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    Jul 23, 2008 9:02 PM GMT
    lilmaninsc saidI don't think it should be a reason. And I don't think it is. Men who cheat are just sex pigs who doesn't deserve anyone.


    I wouldn't go so far as to dismiss men who cheat. From personal experience, I can see why it happened and it had relatively little to do with him being a 'sex pig'. And everything to do with a lack of communication and not working with him to make sure we were both satisfied in all the aspects of our relationship. Cheating isn't just about having sex all the time; a lot of other issues can come into play. I've been in both positions-- being cheated on, and dare I admit it, cheating on someone. Neither was really about sex, at least in my personal experience, and neither feels particularly good; the guilt from being the offending party was, at least for me, earth-shattering. But what I did learn is that being open and communicative about all aspects of your relationship is necessary to make sure that both people don't cheat and work together, not against each other. That is why some relationships fail and others, like my current one, last for years.
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    Jul 23, 2008 9:11 PM GMT
    london_nyc said
    lilmaninsc saidI don't think it should be a reason. And I don't think it is. Men who cheat are just sex pigs who doesn't deserve anyone. It doesn't matter whether you can get married or not, that's just paper people, my God. *insert eye roll here*


    I wouldn't go so far as to dismiss men who cheat. From personal experience, I can see why it happened and it had relatively little to do with him being a 'sex pig'. And everything to do with a lack of communication and not working with him to make sure we were both satisfied in all the aspects of our relationship. Cheating isn't just about having sex all the time; a lot of other issues can come into play. I've been in both positions-- being cheated on, and dare I admit it, cheating on someone. Neither was really about sex, at least in my personal experience, and neither feels particularly good; the guilt from being the offending party was, at least for me, earth-shattering. But what I did learn is that being open and communicative about all aspects of your relationship is necessary to make sure that both people don't cheat and work together, not against each other.


    Agree. Not all men who cheat are sex pigs. I've seen it happen too many times. Never had it happen to me personally but I've been a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen when it's needed. Don't think there isn't just as much shame when a gay man cheats. I've never had any of my gay friends say they did it because they were so horny. Usually they say there is something that was missing emotionally and they felt the relationship was basically over and they were just roommates who had settled and were afraid to step back out in the world as a single gay man. One even admitted he wanted to get caught to see what his partners response would be. Did he even care? So it's not always about sex. So again, I don't think just because there is no legal documentation acknowledging a gay marriage that it makes it any easier to cheat. It really is individualized in that area and not about the sexuality of the couple. The split will seem faster because of less legal hassles. Thats about it actually.
  • MikePhilPerez

    Posts: 4357

    Jul 23, 2008 9:12 PM GMT
    Married or not my partner and I have the same commitment to each other, so marriage won't add anything to our commitment, but we plan to get married just as soon as it is possible.

    It will be a white wedding icon_smile.gif
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    Jul 23, 2008 9:18 PM GMT
    This is perhaps off-topic and stepping into the shit, but I'd just like to speak in defense of people who cheat and say couldn't it be the unrealistic expectation that one person satisfy your needs indefinately which helps people to cheat? Gay people IMHO seriously went off the rails trying to duplicate standards of the straight world and their conventions. Of course there's many reasons why people do, but this monogamy business can be a drag if we look at it rationally and realistically. Again, my 2.
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    Jul 23, 2008 9:23 PM GMT
    Yall are making no fucking sense. If you are doing that, then you're looking for another relationship. What I said, I mean. Fuck, gay men are so stupid (no offense) but come on. If you are going to "cheat" because there is a lack of communication or any of that other bullshit excuses... then do something about it. Cheating isn't the answer dumb asses. If you're not happy with who you are with, then fucking leave them, it's that simple!!!!!!!!!!!! icon_evil.gif
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    Jul 23, 2008 9:26 PM GMT
    People cheat AND get married for a whole host of reasons...it's not such a black & white issue, actually. A nuanced view of the subject may be more appropriate.
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    Jul 23, 2008 9:32 PM GMT
    lilmaninsc saidYall are making no fucking sense. If you are doing that, then you're looking for another relationship. What I said, I mean. Fuck, gay men are so stupid (no offense) but come on. If you are going to "cheat" because there is a lack of communication or any of that other bullshit excuses... then do something about it. Cheating isn't the answer dumb asses. If you're not happy with who you are with, then fucking leave them, it's that simple!!!!!!!!!!!! icon_evil.gif


    No, it's not that simple.

    And no one is saying that cheating is the answer-- just that it happens for a multitude of reasons, not just because someone's a 'sex pig' or because people are so fundamentally unhappy with their partner that they'd rather be with someone else.

    I'd point out that most statistics you'll find lying around show that most couples that experience infidelity actually survive. Sometimes it's the jolt needed to get things back on the right path.

    I'm not going to presume to know your relationship history but I'd advise that if you ever are in a relationship and hit trouble, with infidelity or anything else, that you take a more nuanced view. It might save your relationship.
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    Jul 23, 2008 9:32 PM GMT
    lilmaninsc saidYall are making no fucking sense. If you are doing that, then you're looking for another relationship. What I said, I mean. Fuck, gay men are so stupid (no offense) but come on. If you are going to "cheat" because there is a lack of communication or any of that other bullshit excuses... then do something about it. Cheating isn't the answer dumb asses. If you're not happy with who you are with, then fucking leave them, it's that simple!!!!!!!!!!!! icon_evil.gif


    What he said, but with a few pretentious words. I really hate the idea of cheating. It's just so sneaky and gross. "I'm too insecure to be alone, but not decent enough to not cheat."

    In fairness, I think this topic is rather vapid. Men cheat. Not all men. Not one group more than another. Men are driven to disseminate across as broad a sampling as possible, so eyes will inevitably wander in even the most stable of relationships, and it comes down to the decency of the people involved as to whether or not this impulse is acted on. It is also a natural impulse to scratch your bollocks whenever they itch, but most people can restrain this. Admittedly, straight people have more to lose, in that there are legal penalties if it occurs within a marriage, but that just means that they're usually somewhat sneakier, not less likely to stray