advice - ex boyfriend

  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    May 22, 2012 4:21 AM GMT
    I broke up with my bf (first bf)
    because he was controlling.. and cheated on me twice.. and constantly made other options
    It hurt a lot...
    Cheating on me was my 'punishment' for absolute ridiculous things like going out with friends etc.
    Definition of a manipulator because his mind he's blameless.

    But as soon as I broke up with him he added the guy he cheated on me to facebook who was super keen on him and some other guy that always liked him.

    I know he's his own person but knowing this hurts.. i feel used.

    What are some tips to get past it and see him as the jerk he really is?
  • mikeylikes

    Posts: 53

    May 22, 2012 4:51 AM GMT
    since you made the right decision to move on, jsut live with your decision
    and defriend him. you may not want to, but just do it. this way it won't haunt u and u cant facebook stalk him. out of sight out of mind
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    May 22, 2012 8:39 PM GMT
    Defriending sounds like the best idea ^^^
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    May 22, 2012 8:42 PM GMT
    I'm in (or was) in the same boat. Don't give him the time of day. Now, I can look back and realize what an asshole he was and laugh at him. You too will be able to do the same in time. Keep your head up. Just remember this;

    "Living well is the best revenge."
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    May 22, 2012 8:46 PM GMT
    Facebook - revolutionizing the way breakups are handled.
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    May 22, 2012 8:50 PM GMT
    I was in a similar situation not too long ago. Try to think of things you want to accomplish, do, see, visit, etc and start making those things happen. Don't dwell on the what could have been, and start thinking of the what could be.

  • vintovka

    Posts: 588

    May 22, 2012 8:57 PM GMT
    He sounds like a POS/headcase. Move on, don't look back.
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    May 22, 2012 9:02 PM GMT
    Unfriend/Block/Unsubscribe from him immediately!

    Out of site, out of mind.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    May 22, 2012 9:02 PM GMT
    Sorry, bud.

    Do yourself a favor and look up Borderline Personality Disorder online. I think you'll find that the controlling, cheating and punishing characteristics you described are part of typical experience when dealing with someone with BPD. Also, feeling used and manipulated are common responses from people who have tried to have a relationship with a person with the disorder.

    I recommend this so that you can recognize these traits in others so you can avoid them and the heartache and damage they can cause. Most significantly many of them will typically want to "recycle" a relationship that they have damaged, meaning that when their current supply of affection/attention (e.g. the new bf) bores or enrages them, they will circle back to try to restart things with you, as if nothing ever happened.

    People with BPD can be very charismatic and magnetic. Whether conscious or not, they have a sense of what they need to appear like to others to "get under their skin" and gain an emotional hook.

    Maybe your bf leaving you was a blessing in disguise. Best is to break any ties of communication and to move forward with your own life.

    It isn't easy, but chin up and be kind to youself. Be with your friends and do things that make you feel good.
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    May 22, 2012 9:31 PM GMT
    Unfriend him.
  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    May 22, 2012 9:32 PM GMT
    NC3athlete saidSorry, bud.

    Do yourself a favor and look up Borderline Personality Disorder online. I think you'll find that the controlling, cheating and punishing characteristics you described are part of typical experience when dealing with someone with BPD. Also, feeling used and manipulated are common responses from people who have tried to have a relationship with a person with the disorder.

    I recommend this so that you can recognize these traits in others so you can avoid them and the heartache and damage they can cause. Most significantly many of them will typically want to "recycle" a relationship that they have damaged, meaning that when their current supply of affection/attention (e.g. the new bf) bores or enrages them, they will circle back to try to restart things with you, as if nothing ever happened.

    People with BPD can be very charismatic and magnetic. Whether conscious or not, they have a sense of what they need to appear like to others to "get under their skin" and gain an emotional hook.

    Maybe your bf leaving you was a blessing in disguise. Best is to break any ties of communication and to move forward with your own life.

    It isn't easy, but chin up and be kind to youself. Be with your friends and do things that make you feel good.


    Yes I agree very much with this, he clearly has a lot of severe emotional issues. Thanks for your insight
  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    May 22, 2012 9:34 PM GMT
    GAMRican saidUnfriend him.


    He was long unfriended and blocked, the problem is I know all his passwords so I get curious and look. Plus I also have some qualifications in the computing area and I've even found myself now looking at his text messages (remotely) to see what his choices have been.
    Like I said I already feel used but what I read just confirms it
  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    May 22, 2012 9:35 PM GMT
    JPtheBITCH said
    NC3athlete saidPeople with BPD can be very charismatic and magnetic. Whether conscious or not, they have a sense of what they need to appear like to others to "get under their skin" and gain an emotional hook.

    This is exactly right. This is also why they are usually great sex. It's all they have to offer someone. I learned this the hard way. That old axiom that "sociopaths are the best sex" is too often true.


    Yes I think very much the same... He didn't really seem to have a lot of hobbies other than meeting guys. I mean hes on holiday here in my country and hardly seen any of it...
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    May 22, 2012 9:50 PM GMT
    m0dern said
    GAMRican saidUnfriend him.


    He was long unfriended and blocked, the problem is I know all his passwords so I get curious and look. Plus I also have some qualifications in the computing area and I've even found myself now looking at his text messages (remotely) to see what his choices have been.
    Like I said I already feel used but what I read just confirms it


    I understand the desire to check up on him, but it's not helping you anymore, you have already confirmed he is bad news, why do you want him in your life anymore? It's time to start moving on.

    You need to kick the habit of checking in on your ex, start doing it one day at a time. Try to make it one day, then two, then a week, a month, a year... however long it takes for you to get over it.
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    May 22, 2012 10:02 PM GMT
    He's an ex. You EXcused him from your life because of who he is and what he did. You are punishing yourself merely by keeping tabs on him and being a friend with him. Right now you are your own worst enemy because of that. Unfriend that dude and stay out his life since clearly he wasn't keen on having you in his.

    What happened happened and there is no turning back time. Basically, what's done is done. You learn from this and move on. Unless you like being reminded of the hurt and pain he put you through then erase that dude out of your life and keep on trucking.

    Move forward. Never look back unless you plan on going that way.
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    May 22, 2012 10:23 PM GMT
    m0dern said
    GAMRican saidUnfriend him.


    He was long unfriended and blocked, the problem is I know all his passwords so I get curious and look. Plus I also have some qualifications in the computing area and I've even found myself now looking at his text messages (remotely) to see what his choices have been.
    Like I said I already feel used but what I read just confirms it


    Ask the cat what "curiosity" begot.

    You're officially "creepy".
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    May 22, 2012 10:36 PM GMT
    m0dern said
    GAMRican saidUnfriend him.


    He was long unfriended and blocked, the problem is I know all his passwords so I get curious and look. Plus I also have some qualifications in the computing area and I've even found myself now looking at his text messages (remotely) to see what his choices have been.
    Like I said I already feel used but what I read just confirms it


    Hmmm...maybe youre the problem. You sound a bit psychotic.
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    May 22, 2012 10:48 PM GMT
    Guy101 saidHe's an ex. You EXcused him from your life because of who he is and what he did. You are punishing yourself merely by keeping tabs on him and being a friend with him on. Right now you are your own worst enemy because of that. Unfriend that dude and stay out his life since clearly he wasn't keen on having you in his.

    What happened happened and there is no turning back time. Basically, what's done is done. You learn from this and move on. Unless you like being reminded of the hurt and pain he put your through then erase that dude out of your life and keep on trucking.

    Move forward. Never look back unless you plan on going that way.

    Yep, I agree with this. It's not easy to remove someone you care about from your life and just because he did things offensive doesn't mean you didn't care for him but grieving the loss of the relationship is what it's all about. You'll never grieve it if you don't make the moves forward. Take your time, don't be tempted to see how he is and certainly don't accept his 'friend request', phone calls, text messages when he come crawling back and he will try to come back because the next guy is going to tire of the same stuff you went through.

    Good luck!
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    May 22, 2012 10:53 PM GMT
    m0dern said
    GAMRican saidUnfriend him.


    He was long unfriended and blocked, the problem is I know all his passwords so I get curious and look. Plus I also have some qualifications in the computing area and I've even found myself now looking at his text messages (remotely) to see what his choices have been.
    Like I said I already feel used but what I read just confirms it


    So basically you just don't know how to quit this dude. Sounds like you might be the problem if you are constantly checking up on him because you happen to know all his passwords. That's a bit creepy and uncalled for. Why would you torture yourself like that? Clearly your curiosity is what is causing you this pain. You need to exercise a little self control and some common decency in the fact that you can't be running tabs on someone you aren't dating anymore.

    These are the signs and acts of a stalker.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    May 22, 2012 10:59 PM GMT
    ^^The measure of the man is in knowing how to lean into the hurt and disappointment with dignity. Don't stoop to his level. If he was a controlling, manipulative jerk, don't let yourself follow his lead in similar fashion.
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    May 22, 2012 11:02 PM GMT
    Seriously, you're BOTH messed up.

    But at least he moved on... while you have not. And you have another problem, in the fact that you are accessing his accounts... which is just as invasive. You've got to recognize that you're also in the wrong and JUST STOP IT. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    May 22, 2012 11:05 PM GMT
    Know that you did the right thing. Congratulations!
    Keep your eyes open for a new BF while you're living life and not holding your breath in anticipation.
  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    May 23, 2012 12:53 AM GMT
    I agree to all of the above ... I don't want to speak more with him so this morning I've been asking myself the question, why have I been doing that?
    Firstly, it's a small town so I'm insecure about him getting involved with someone I am an acquaintance with .. However after assessing this I think the empasis I've placed on that is not valid, he's free to do what he likes and I actually hope he finds happiness ...
    Secondly, I think controlling relations may have some kind of addictive qualities and that's part of my brain not letting go... However this can be better done by being independent again

    After reading info on controlling relations I followed the advice by finishing with him without compliments and directing him to professional help. I received an email from him this morning saying he started to see a psychologist and also apologising for his behaviour and thanking me for trying to help him. On know in his heart he's a great guy but I'm cnfident he has some severe emotional issues which cause him to act out. I think understanding that will allow me to move on better
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    May 23, 2012 1:03 AM GMT
    I think that to some degree you are correct: after being in a dysfunctional relationship with a person with deep-seated emotional issues, one's own behavior can take on some of those traits. It's good to recognize that for yourself.

    It's also good that your ex has agreed so readily to seek professional help. You may also want to, for the purpose of coming out of this relationship with a healthy perspective and to avoid building barriers against future (healthy) relationships.
  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    May 25, 2012 10:36 AM GMT
    Stuttershock said
    m0dern said
    GAMRican saidUnfriend him.


    He was long unfriended and blocked, the problem is I know all his passwords so I get curious and look. Plus I also have some qualifications in the computing area and I've even found myself now looking at his text messages (remotely) to see what his choices have been.
    Like I said I already feel used but what I read just confirms it


    I understand the desire to check up on him, but it's not helping you anymore, you have already confirmed he is bad news, why do you want him in your life anymore? It's time to start moving on.

    You need to kick the habit of checking in on your ex, start doing it one day at a time. Try to make it one day, then two, then a week, a month, a year... however long it takes for you to get over it.


    Hey this was really nice advice and I've been doing that and going well, cheers to moving on