I need some SERIOUS advice

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2008 2:14 AM GMT
    Ok, I mentioned a problem that I'm having in a previous forum, but I need a little bit of attention here. Ok, here's the problem that I have. I have a really good friend, who I have been friends with since my freshman year of college (just under four years ago). We became really good friends right off the back, and I always had a slight attraction to him...even though to my knowledge, he was straight.

    I told him about me over 2 years ago, and he actually came out to me last Spring. I remember what it was like being a "newbie" so I said that I would always be there for him, and wouldn't push him for a relationship or anything. So essentially, I was his shoulder to cry on as he went through the hardships of coming to terms with his sexuality. And through it all, our friendship, obviously, got really strong.

    Then I left (last August) for a semester abroad. We talked almost daily, but still, it was really different. We always told each other "I love you" when hanging up...but it was more of a joke than anything. Well the problem came when I got back from Mexico.

    I seriously, fell in love with him...and fell hard. And every now and then, he showed interest...but I still said to myself that I wouldn't really show how much I loved him because I didn't want to cloud our friendship. We at this same time, he seemed to change a lot. He still acts as if the friendship is the same, but (to me) it seems like I'm just a normal friend to him...i.e. we'll talk whenever he gets a chance...nothing to important...we'll see each other randomly, but not really hang out...that kinda crap. But it seems that our friendship took a major step back...even though my heart took a major step forward.

    I even told him how much it hurts to see that our friendship is nothing like what it was before...and he recognizes that and apologizes all the time about it and says he's going to work harder to get back what we had.

    Well...things haven't changed and it's actually getting worse.

    So basically my question (after typing all that...I apologize guys) is should I bite the bullet and let him go or should I keep letting my heart be my guide and see where things go?

    Either way hurts like hell...I just want to find the way that will ease the most pain.
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    Jul 24, 2008 3:09 AM GMT
    I seriously, fell in love with him...and fell hard. And every now and then, he showed interest...but I still said to myself that I wouldn't really show how much I loved him because I didn't want to cloud our friendship.

    This may be the problem, imo: He can sense you holding back and may be interpreting that as rejection and is thus holding back himself.

    Then again, people drift apart. But time brings them back together. During my college years I saw my best buddies, at most, only twice each year, I didn't see my bestfriend at one time for almost two years. But once we got back together, there was a bit of awkwardness at first, then it was back like nothing ever happened. But I think that was because both of us really wanted to get it back to what it was.

    In your case, it may be you or him holding back. People change, but if both genuinely want to reestablish previous bonds, they can, especially if there's no quarrel between them.

    So questions:

    1) How long have you been back?
    2) Have you told him about your feelings for him?
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    Jul 24, 2008 3:30 AM GMT
    I agree with Sedative that you left out the most important question...Have you told him how you felt about him.

    If you have then it's apparent, by what you have written, that his feelings are not the same.

    With that being said and everything you have said regarding your feelings for him you definately need some time away. I personally would not hang out with someone I fell for when they know how I feel and those feelings are not mutual.

    If you have not told him, well of course you need to and if his feelings are not the same you already know my opinion.

    Either way you need to decide whether or not you can remain friends with him, whatever the turn out may be. I don't think it matters much how long you've been back. Strong friendships are just that. I have a buddy I sometimes go with months without talking to but when we do talk its like no time has lapsed.

    It sounds as though the friendship has fizzled but definately sit down and lay it all out on the table. Who knows the distance he's giving you may be because those feelings are the same or it could be just the opposite.

    Time heals all hearts my friend. While it sucks to be in your position know you are not alone.

    Good luck
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    Jul 24, 2008 3:33 AM GMT
    Sedative saidI seriously, fell in love with him...and fell hard. And every now and then, he showed interest...but I still said to myself that I wouldn't really show how much I loved him because I didn't want to cloud our friendship.

    This may be the problem, imo: He can sense you holding back and may be interpreting that as rejection and is thus holding back himself.

    Then again, people drift apart. But time brings them back together. During my college years I saw my best buddies, at most, only twice each year, I didn't see my bestfriend at one time for almost two years. But once we got back together, there was a bit of awkwardness at first, then it was back like nothing ever happened. But I think that was because both of us really wanted to get it back to what it was.

    In your case, it may be you or him holding back. People change, but if both genuinely want to reestablish previous bonds, they can, especially if there's no quarrel between them.

    So questions:

    1) How long have you been back?
    2) Have you told him about your feelings for him?



    I've been back since Dec 07. I told him how I felt...but my concern is more about the friendship and less about an intimate relationship. I've expressed on numerous occasions how I feel that I'm just a "convenient friend" to him. He says it's not like that and says that he is going to change, but doesn't.

    I even told him...ok man tell me what you want me to do...do you just want to be the type of friends where if I see you, I see you and that's fine, but nothing to cry a river over? And his response that he doesn't want to lose me as a friend and all that crap...but he doesn't change at all.
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    Jul 24, 2008 3:34 AM GMT
    Eor36 saidI agree with Sedative that you left out the most important question...Have you told him how you felt about him.

    If you have then it's apparent, by what you have written, that his feelings are not the same.

    With that being said and everything you have said regarding your feelings for him you definately need some time away. I personally would not hang out with someone I fell for when they know how I feel and those feelings are not mutual.

    If you have not told him, well of course you need to and if his feelings are not the same you already know my opinion.

    Either way you need to decide whether or not you can remain friends with him, whatever the turn out may be. I don't think it matters much how long you've been back. Strong friendships are just that. I have a buddy I sometimes go with months without talking to but when we do talk its like no time has lapsed.

    It sounds as though the friendship has fizzled but definately sit down and lay it all out on the table. Who knows the distance he's giving you may be because those feelings are the same or it could be just the opposite.

    Time heals all hearts my friend. While it sucks to be in your position know you are not alone.

    Good luck


    Good points man. I got some serious thinking to do. Lol.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    Jul 24, 2008 3:40 AM GMT
    Sorry this is causing you so much pain...

    I think the reason he is backing off is he doesn't feel the same (or at best he doesn't recognize how he feels).. He isn't comfortable with the situation at hand and he's backing off. Don't blame yourself, I'm sure he could sense what was going on.

    He's important to you and I'm sure you are important to him, but realize they may well be different. My suggestion to you is that you need to back off, mainly because you are a little unbalanced because of this experience (and I'm not cutting you down, we all, including me, have been that way at times). I strongly encourage you to focus in a different direction... or else your friendship could be doomed.

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    Jul 24, 2008 3:46 AM GMT
    HndsmKansan saidSorry this is causing you so much pain...

    I think the reason he is backing off is he doesn't feel the same (or at best he doesn't recognize how he feels).. He isn't comfortable with the situation at hand and he's backing off. Don't blame yourself, I'm sure he could sense what was going on.

    He's important to you and I'm sure you are important to him, but realize they may well be different. My suggestion to you is that you need to back off, mainly because you are a little unbalanced because of this experience (and I'm not cutting you down, we all, including me, have been that way at times). I strongly encourage you to focus in a different direction... or else your friendship could be doomed.



    See, that's the thing that I didn't clearly express. I did back off big time. I only call every blue moon just to see how things are going with his summer classes and all that...but no where near as often as I did in the past. I know what it's like to lose good friends, so I am pretty good at putting up a wall... which I have been doing, and I am placing everything in his court. If he wants a friend, he has one...but if not...then things can be finished (I've actually told him that). Now it seems he calls/texts enough just to string me along even further.
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    Jul 24, 2008 5:49 AM GMT
    In2LectualBlkMan said
    HndsmKansan saidSorry this is causing you so much pain...

    I think the reason he is backing off is he doesn't feel the same (or at best he doesn't recognize how he feels).. He isn't comfortable with the situation at hand and he's backing off. Don't blame yourself, I'm sure he could sense what was going on.

    He's important to you and I'm sure you are important to him, but realize they may well be different. My suggestion to you is that you need to back off, mainly because you are a little unbalanced because of this experience (and I'm not cutting you down, we all, including me, have been that way at times). I strongly encourage you to focus in a different direction... or else your friendship could be doomed.



    See, that's the thing that I didn't clearly express. I did back off big time. I only call every blue moon just to see how things are going with his summer classes and all that...but no where near as often as I did in the past. I know what it's like to lose good friends, so I am pretty good at putting up a wall... which I have been doing, and I am placing everything in his court. If he wants a friend, he has one...but if not...then things can be finished (I've actually told him that). Now it seems he calls/texts enough just to string me along even further.


    I'm going to go hyper-gay here and quote Oprah. "When people show you who they are, believe them." I'll straighten up a bit for the next one - "We judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions" - by Stephen Covey.

    Look, when you have a choice to take someone for their actions or their words, ALWAYS go with their actions. His actions are indicating that he considers you a friend but that as time has gone on, your friendship has taken a back seat to whatever else is going on in his life.

    While his words say he will do better, his (apparently repeated) actions suggest otherwise.

    Final Oprah quote - "You teach people how to treat you." By continuing to come back for more of his (what you perceive to be) dismissive treatment, you are telling him that he can treat you that way and you'll stick around.

    My advice: tell him that his actions don't seem to line up with his stated intentions and that you are realizing that by sticking around, you're asking for more of the same. However, you also have to accept that YOU never told him what you were feeling and therefore cannot hold him accountable for not acting with all the facts available. YOU chose not to divulge that to him, so any feelings you have towards him are not his 'problem' for lack of a better term.

    Finally - there are over 6 billion people on the planet. This 'relationship' has already taken years out of your life and yet you are still unsatisfied - you and only you can make the decision that you are going to focus on attracting friends or a boyfriend who DOES satisfy what you want/need.

    Best of luck, regardless.
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    Jul 24, 2008 3:04 PM GMT
    I agree...I always judge/read a person by their actions/demeanor rather than their words. A person may say this or that and that's all fine and has a certain amount of validity to it, but actions ALWAYS speak louder and more clearly.
    His actions are telling you that it may be best to back off. If you have put forth the effort(s) and he is not responding to them in kind...then it's time and fair that he come to you with attention and effort..IF HE IS INTERESTED.
    If he doesn't...then there are PLENTY of other fish in the sea, so to speak.

    My best to you.
  • Tiran

    Posts: 227

    Aug 17, 2008 2:38 AM GMT
    Well if you are thinking about walking away anyway tell him how you feel, up front. If he has any feelings about it he will respond. If not you walk away anyway (and it will still hurt about the same). Hell maybe he will come to his senses and chase you down before you get away. Otherwise, take a deep breath, hold your head up and walk away. It will hurt like hell, but a clean break will be easier to get over than dragging it out.
  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 17, 2008 2:49 AM GMT
    I've been through this, and it really sucks. The guy became my roommate, so it became very messy. There was fun, don't get me wrong, but I wanted something more long-term, and he looked at me as something to fill the gaps between boyfriends or guys he pursued. Extracting from that, even after we were no longer roommates, still took a while. But I felt like I was just constantly hitting my head against the wall.

    I ultimately was able to get enough objectivity (which is NEVER easy in these situations) to be able to judge him on his actions, despite the things he said. Then I saw things very clearly and realized he had been pretty constant, at least as far as his actions went. So, I cut things off. It was hard. But it was the right, and healthy thing to do.
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Aug 17, 2008 7:53 AM GMT
    When a relationship.. whether it's a friendship or a intimate one becomes onesided it's bad for either party

    you start feeling rejected and he starts feeling put upon

    You said you've told him how you felt and he keeps apologizing
    that's no way to base a friendship or a relationship
    if you have definitely shown interest and he still pulls away
    Take him at his word
    and go elsewhere... it'll only cause you pain to pursue it further
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    Aug 17, 2008 8:20 AM GMT
    If the guy is backing off its cuz he can feel you're uncomfortable around him. It sucks but you need to detach to heal from him and eventually you can be good friends again. If it hurts to talk to him detach and stay away for a while and get your head back together.

    In a while you may look back and see he's a better friend than a bf even though you had those feelings, we cannot always make others want us. icon_sad.gif

    So just go out and enjoy being single.icon_rolleyes.gif


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    Aug 17, 2008 8:23 AM GMT
    Look... friends don't always last forever. I've been in almost the same situation with a friend of mine... best friends for almost 5 years, sharing our lives, sharing our hopes and fears... everything. And then things just started falling apart, our friendship faded away and sometimes we actually felt like strangers. Things like that happen.
    And the falling in love part only makes things more comfortable...
    What matters right now is if you WANT this relationship to last and if it's possible for things to be good... if not, just let him go.

    Good luck!
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    Aug 17, 2008 9:50 AM GMT
    A relationship takes allot of good communication . If the communication fails than the relationship fails.

    At least the gay community has the ability to let go quickly and start all over again if the person is capable to.

    But then nothing is easy when humans are involved....

    Be honest to yourself and to him.

    Life is to short to live it unhappy........
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    Aug 17, 2008 11:47 AM GMT
    Well I fell heavily for my best friend in the early 90s. I asked him at dinner in Ft. Lauderdale one night whether he had ever been interested in me. He got very upset at me and I thought to myself "oh no our friendship is over". It wasn't, we just had to go through a bit of a cooling off period. About a year after that fight I was at his place drinking and lo and behold we had sex! That brought final closure to the whole crush on friend episode. We are still good friends but nothing more.

    I would sit down with your friend and let him know how you feel. It could clear the air and improve your friendship. Because right now he could be feeling a bit uncomfortable being around you. He probably suspects how you feel, but cannot confirm it. There is risk in this step, but the way you describe the situation you are miserable with the way things are progressing now.