Could use some advice!

  • wacom89

    Posts: 5

    May 23, 2012 4:58 PM GMT
    Hey guys, I don't come here often but I have a lame situation and want to see what some of you guys would do in my position.

    I've been with my boyfriend for a year. I'm going to sound extremely cliche now and just say I've never been so happy with someone and I've never met anyone that I mesh so well with. We almost never argue and when we do we always reason through it amicably. He is my best friend and we have great chemistry together.

    A few months ago I found he had been flirtatiously chatting with someone on Facebook. Nothing too serious, just innocent flirting. I confronted him about it and said I was not okay with him flirting while in a monogamous relationship. He said it wouldn't happen again.

    Few months later it happened again. Again, nothing serious was said. He told me he just gets these urges to pursue something sexually, he views it as a "chase." He doesn't have the greatest self esteem and I think he likes to see other guys interested in him even though I go out of my way to tell him how much he means to me. I genuinely believe he has no intentions of meeting them in person or making anything of it, he just likes the hunt.

    I told him I'm still not okay with it and that our relationship could really suffer if he keeps hurting my feelings. So I just found him doing it again and I haven't confronted him yet.

    Before you jump to conclusions, at least hear me out: I have no doubt he loves me and his intentions are not to hurt me. I think he really does just get these sexual urges and he gets carried away with them, and he hides it from me because he doesn't want my feelings hurt. He regrets it afterwords and says he has a hard time controlling it. To me it seems like he has "a problem" that he needs help (maybe professional help) through. I don't want to walk out because everything else about us is awesome, but he does have a problem and I wonder if there's a way to fix it.

    I know RJ can be a tough crowd sometimes and I know 90% of you are going to say "JUST LEAVE HIM," which might indeed be the smart thing to do. But as many of you know that's a lot easier said than done. I don't want to just "give up" on a relationship with someone I love without doing everything I can to save it first. I guess my question is, can this be fixed? If so, how can we fix it? He means the world to me but if there's no possibility to change him then I can't stay.

    Thanks icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2012 6:47 PM GMT
    First of all, if you want to get anywhere with this, drop the idea that your bf has something wrong with him that he needs to get fixed. Even if you think that's true, you just can't say it. If you confront him like this, it is not going to go well.

    If you are going to approach this, it has to be from your point of view, what you feel, and what you are willing to do in the relationship. Couples counseling would be the way to go, if you want outside help. If as a result he decides to get some individual help, that's cool, but you can't push him into it.

    My personal opinion is that, if you want to stay in this relationship you need talk about drawing boundaries that the both of you are actually able to live with. I doubt seriously that he's going to be able to live with the boundaries you're trying to set, since he's gone past them twice after you've already said you don't want him to.
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    May 23, 2012 7:01 PM GMT
    Damn. Ur way too needy. Get over yourself and drop the codependent personality.
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    May 23, 2012 7:09 PM GMT
    My personal advise:

    It seems words aren't affective for this boy... Luckily there's another and more effective way to make him realize that flirting with other guys can be hurtfull and that's by taking actions! So go ahead and start flirting (ofcourse he needs to see your actions too), make him feel how it is to be in your shoes..

    Don't try to change him, if he wants to change then he will.. All you can do is give him a push towards the right direction..

    I don't like people saying "I want to change him"... It's like you're perfect but he is flawed and trust me you'll have your flaws too but he ignores it ;).. Many of my friends always said that about their partner and it only led to more headaches and sufferings which in some cases even led to breakups...
    The only effective way for a person to change is when that person really wants to change.. And even if he's willing it still will be a long process...


    You also said "I go out of my way to tell him how much he means to me"

    You probably know this already but I will say it anyway.
    If you repeat something over and over it eventually loses its meaning..

    Hope you'll find a way to work this out..





  • WhoDey

    Posts: 561

    May 23, 2012 7:17 PM GMT
    I don't think this is too serious, but maybe make him sleep on the couch if it bothers you too much.
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    May 23, 2012 9:19 PM GMT
    showme saidFirst of all, if you want to get anywhere with this, drop the idea that your bf has something wrong with him that he needs to get fixed. Even if you think that's true, you just can't say it. If you confront him like this, it is not going to go well.

    If you are going to approach this, it has to be from your point of view, what you feel, and what you are willing to do in the relationship. Couples counseling would be the way to go, if you want outside help. If as a result he decides to get some individual help, that's cool, but you can't push him into it.

    My personal opinion is that, if you want to stay in this relationship you need talk about drawing boundaries that the both of you are actually able to live with. I doubt seriously that he's going to be able to live with the boundaries you're trying to set, since he's gone past them twice after you've already said you don't want him to.


    I think this advice was so good, I want you to read it twice.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 23, 2012 9:32 PM GMT
    You say, "I genuinely believe he has no intentions of meeting them in person or making anything of it, he just likes the hunt."

    So...what's the problem. If you really think that he's just doing this as a "game" of sorts, then maybe it's YOUR own self-esteem, trust issues, jealousy issues, and need to control that you need to re-evaluate. You say things like "nothing serious" (twice) and "innocent flirting", yet you are turning it into something serious and more than just flirting. Point the "problem" finger right back at yourself and take the necessary steps to make your own changes before you put the burden of the problem on your partner.
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    May 23, 2012 10:04 PM GMT
    ECnAZ saidYou say, "I genuinely believe he has no intentions of meeting them in person or making anything of it, he just likes the hunt."

    So...what's the problem. If you really think that he's just doing this as a "game" of sorts, then maybe it's YOUR own self-esteem, trust issues, jealousy issues, and need to control that you need to re-evaluate. You say things like "nothing serious" (twice) and "innocent flirting", yet you are turning it into something serious and more than just flirting. Point the "problem" finger right back at yourself and take the necessary steps to make your own changes before you put the burden of the problem on your partner.
    Agreed.

    OP: if you trust him, what's the issue here for you? Just curious.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 24, 2012 2:21 PM GMT
    First they want to be seen...it helps their "self-esteem". Next they want to be heard...it helps their "self-esteem". Then they want to be felt...it helps their "self-esteem". Finally, they want to try it again...maybe the first, second, third guy and on and on was just a fluke. This cycle doesn't end unless you put an end to it through counseling or leaving him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 24, 2012 2:35 PM GMT
    Its not abnormal to be uncomfortable with your partner flirting, OP. Ignore the jaded comments.
  • Latenight30

    Posts: 1525

    May 24, 2012 7:54 PM GMT
    You might need to have the discussion about an "Open Relationship"
    I am there in my 10 year relationship.
    We have some understandings but it has always been I was to ask permission and give a detailed account. I'm trying to move it to a set of ground rules
    1.Never in our bed unless we are both home.
    2.Safer always wins
    3.Disclosure and honesty.

    I know it's early in the relationship and might be too early for that, but asking what kind of history he has, is he a guy who dates alot or is this the First relationship for both of you.

    Good luck.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 24, 2012 7:57 PM GMT
    uoft23 saidIts not abnormal to be uncomfortable with your partner flirting, OP.


    I think so too, in consideration that he did in fact bring it up and his partner did in fact say he would stop, then continued. icon_wink.gif