In need of support :(

  • ChilaxinJOCK0...

    Posts: 1513

    May 24, 2012 5:19 AM GMT
    Has anyone else experienced being raised by a narcissistic parent? In my case it is my father and he has literally ruined my family. I Just received a 10 page letter that he sent out to all our family that makes him appear to be a saint and victim when he is actually the one who abused my mom and my siblings.

    I havent spoken to him in years (after finally taking the advice of MANY ppl including professionals) yet he continues to paint me as a terrible person to his side of the family, who for whatever reason fall for his bullshit and believe him.

    Is there any point in responding to this letter and calling him out on all the lies? or am i wasting my time with someone who is as narcissistic and delusional as could be....
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 24, 2012 5:25 AM GMT
    This is easier said than done, but cut him out of your life completely. He's not worth the effort it would take to reply to his letter.
  • ChilaxinJOCK0...

    Posts: 1513

    May 24, 2012 5:25 AM GMT
    as much as I shoulda threw it away, I read the damn letter and im sick to my stomach right now. I feel like he has gotten away with murder
  • ChilaxinJOCK0...

    Posts: 1513

    May 24, 2012 5:30 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidThis is easier said than done, but cut him out of your life completely. He's not worth the effort it would take to reply to his letter.


    I know man, its just amazing how much that type of personality can get under your skin. Im so disgusted right now its unreal....I dont know if im articulating this well at all
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    May 24, 2012 5:34 AM GMT
    ChilaxinJOCK09 said
    paulflexes saidThis is easier said than done, but cut him out of your life completely. He's not worth the effort it would take to reply to his letter.


    I know man, its just amazing how much that type of personality can get under your skin. Im so disgusted right now its unreal....I dont know if im articulating this well at all
    Your articulation of it sucks, but I've known enough other people (in real life) with similar problems to get the gist of what you're saying. His actions are not healthy for you. The sooner you remove that thorn in your side, the sooner your side can heal.

    *hugs* <3 icon_biggrin.gif
  • Musicman91

    Posts: 1529

    May 24, 2012 5:35 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidThis is easier said than done, but cut him out of your life completely. He's not worth the effort it would take to reply to his letter.


    This

    It maybe hard but you are much better off with out him. And if he is painting you as a terrible person he has issues doing that to his own son. THe people in your family who love and matter to you know who you are so don't let him get to ya it's what he wants don't give him the satisfaction.
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    May 24, 2012 5:37 AM GMT
    *HUGS*
  • ChilaxinJOCK0...

    Posts: 1513

    May 24, 2012 5:38 AM GMT
    Wolverine4 said*HUGS*


    haha nothin like a cyber hugg
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    May 24, 2012 6:01 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidThis is easier said than done, but cut him out of your life completely. He's not worth the effort it would take to reply to his letter.


    This is what I had to do with my mother.
    So many people said, "Yeh, but she's your mother."
    Bull shit.
    Family members have to earn your love, just like everybody else.

    Do you deserve to be treated like your father is treating you ?
    Of course not.

    When, my mother died, last November, I still had two letters from her that I had left unopened.

    No regrets.

    She was crazy, yet she was convinced that everybody else was the problem.
    It's the same thing with your dad.
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    May 24, 2012 6:29 AM GMT
    you have to pick your battles.

    will responding (and getting who knows what, if any, response) be worth the time, energy, and emotion?

    what do you gain, even if they do believe you?
  • ChilaxinJOCK0...

    Posts: 1513

    May 24, 2012 6:39 AM GMT
    Webster666This is what I had to do with my mother.
    So many people said, "Yeh, but she's your mother."
    Bull shit.
    Family members have to earn your love, just like everybody else.


    youre so right. I heard someone the other day say "ive had my arm for however many years, its closer to me than anything else...but if i got a real bad cancer there, the only way to survive might be to get it cut off. Sometimes you have to cut off something off in order to be survive and be healthy"
  • ChilaxinJOCK0...

    Posts: 1513

    May 24, 2012 6:40 AM GMT
    dancerjack saidyou have to pick your battles.

    will responding (and getting who knows what, if any, response) be worth the time, energy, and emotion?

    what do you gain, even if they do believe you?


    youre right, I think part of me just wants to hear "youre right, i have literally destroyed an entire family". but that'll never happen and idk if thatd even make me feel better
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    May 24, 2012 6:42 AM GMT
    ChilaxinJOCK09 said
    dancerjack saidyou have to pick your battles.

    will responding (and getting who knows what, if any, response) be worth the time, energy, and emotion?

    what do you gain, even if they do believe you?


    youre right, I think part of me just wants to hear "youre right, i have literally destroyed an entire family". but that'll never happen and idk if thatd even make me feel better
    If the entire family abandons him, he'll either find the common denominator (him) or die a miserable old RJ'er in the News and Politics forum.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 24, 2012 7:19 AM GMT
    Maybe write the letter, but, instead of sending it, either:
    a) throw it in the bin
    b) store it somewhere so you can reflect back on it sometime in the future
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    May 24, 2012 7:37 AM GMT
    I can relate. My Dad has hurt all of us and played the victim for the sake of his side of the family. My Nona thinks my brother and I are hoodlums. He's "highly respected in the community" (that's his response to "You sick demented man") but none of his 5 sons have seen him in years. That works for him. Haven't seen him, 2 of my brothers, or that side of the family in years. It's a damn shame.

    What doesn't kill you makes you stronger icon_wink.gif
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    May 24, 2012 11:18 AM GMT
    Webster666 said that family members have to earn your love, just like anyone else. My personal belief is that the love of a parent for a child is supposed to be pretty unconditional - and your father is violating that rule, in spades. ThaT must hurt really badly. I'm so sorry.
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    May 24, 2012 11:42 AM GMT
    I like Cold's idea of writing the letter, but not sending it. It's like purging yourself of a toxin.

    In the future, don't open anything addressed from him. I understand your deep-down hope that this man may throw some respect and love your way, so you read the letter expecting something loving...nope. Ignore him with everything you have. He is only hurting and shaming himself, and trying to make everyone around him as miserable as he is.

    A counselor explained my family troubles to me this way: Imagine a book containing all your troubles. Put it on a shelf and forget about it. Only you make the choice to pull the book down, open it, read the words and ponder the meaning. Your choice. Your energy. Your choice to feel miserable. Keep the book on the shelf and try to forget about it.

    I tended to dwell too much on my family too. My dad could do no wrong either. I get where you're coming from. He was a great, admired friend to his drinking buddies, but a monster at home.

    I hope that helps.
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    May 24, 2012 11:47 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear this, but you will have to recognise the fact some people are genuinely malicious in nature and some just do not have the capacity to be compatible with you or your loved ones. If this is his nature you'll have to be mature about it and make your decision from there. Only you can decide who brings you down not him, or anyone else.
  • ChilaxinJOCK0...

    Posts: 1513

    May 24, 2012 11:49 AM GMT
    BP201 saidI can relate. My Dad has hurt all of us and played the victim for the sake of his side of the family. My Nona thinks my brother and I are hoodlums. He's "highly respected in the community" (that's his response to "You sick demented man") but none of his 5 sons have seen him in years. That works for him. Haven't seen him, 2 of my brothers, or that side of the family in years. It's a damn shame.

    What doesn't kill you makes you stronger icon_wink.gif


    wow, sounds EXACTLY like mine. He can name every payment and "fee" hes ever done for his family (so automatically that makes him so great)
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    May 24, 2012 11:52 AM GMT
    ChilaxinJOCK09 said
    Webster666This is what I had to do with my mother.
    So many people said, "Yeh, but she's your mother."
    Bull shit.
    Family members have to earn your love, just like everybody else.


    youre so right. I heard someone the other day say "ive had my arm for however many years, its closer to me than anything else...but if i got a real bad cancer there, the only way to survive might be to get it cut off. Sometimes you have to cut off something off in order to be survive and be healthy"


    My father was like that, and what make it worse is that I don't think he was a bad person, he was just unable to assume responsibilities, because a part of his brain rewrote history to give him the good role, and he sincerely believed it.

    I don't remind him even once saying he was sorry about something or admitting he made a mistake, unless admitting a mistake was a way to put him as the good guy who has been abused out of being too nice.

    He also inflicted some severe family damage.

    I was around your age when I came to realize I would never, ever be able to have true discussion with him, the kind of deep honest and somehow painful talk which allow to handle past and try to make something constructive for the future.

    It made me stop to see him as my dad, but just has the guy who gave me half my genes.
    The emotional bond was broken, and with it, the upset feelings.
    I didn't own real bad feeling toward him, he was not bad, just living in an alternate reality and unable to really care about others.

    I didn't saw him at all in the last 20 years, and learned he passed away 5 years ago.

    What's awful is that I didn't felt sad about his death, I felt bad about not feeling a lot about it.

  • agro

    Posts: 199

    May 24, 2012 11:52 AM GMT
    I have a step-uncle who is a lot like this. He basically destroyed my mum's family and turned them all against each other. He'd send us faxes at 3 in the morning saying how everything was our fault and blah blah when he was really the abusive and manipulative one. Honestly, the best thing you can do is just move past it. Responding to it is exactly what he wants you to do so that he can try to call you out on how wrong you are, and it will only make you angrier.
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    May 24, 2012 11:56 AM GMT
    I don't think that I can add to the wise words of other Rjers. Hope that you can achieve a positive outcome buddy icon_smile.gif
  • ChilaxinJOCK0...

    Posts: 1513

    May 24, 2012 11:57 AM GMT
    yea I exploded on him last week, which was PERFECT for him. He made sure to include in the letter how "angry" of a son he has and how 'terrible my language is" and why thats ALSO my moms fault.....my mom, the woman he cheated on for 20 out of the 24 years of my life!
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    May 24, 2012 11:57 AM GMT
    139928582_df8a46dcae.jpg

    If you DO respond then DO NOT try and answer his every point. He will just use it as fuel to his fire. I think the best thing is to say nothing or something very short and right to the center of the issue. I don´t know the situation well enough to know which is better, but don´t let him set the agenda with his absurd letter.

    huge hugs
  • ChilaxinJOCK0...

    Posts: 1513

    May 24, 2012 12:00 PM GMT
    AWW THANKS Jay icon_smile.gif