Does age difference really matter?

  • BlueMoose

    Posts: 237

    May 25, 2012 4:55 AM GMT
    I met this guy that I have been talking to online for a few weeks tonight. I was a bit nervous meeting him, since it has been a while since I met someone that I talked to online. He was very nice when I met him and we talked for about two hours. He is a very sweet guy and I think there might be something there. The problem though is he is 37 and I am 21. Does having a 16 year age gap cause a problem? Naturally I seem to be attracted to older men, but I never dated an older guy before. What are your guys thoughts?
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    May 25, 2012 11:41 AM GMT
    This is a matter of personal preference. Like the commenter above stated, the dynamic is prevalent, but not all guys want that father/son, daddy/boy toy component to their relationship. If you really like the guy, however, that's most important. Forget what anyone else thinks.
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    May 25, 2012 12:24 PM GMT
    I dated a guy 16 yrs younger than me and frankly there is a difference in culture and outlook on life. The younger guy is just starting out, the world is new, opportunities have yet to be realised, and challenges await. Maybe he hasn't started his career yet, or been through a serious relationship, or had to face the difficult decisions of accepting less-than-ideal things (e.g. work, education, relationships, housing) in order to make life work. maybe he hasn't lived on his own yet and hasn't had to fear unemployment, homelessness, managing bills and household stuff. maybe he's not sure what he wants and just wants to see what comes along and experiment. Maybe he hasn't done a lot sexually and isn't sure about what he likes, wants or needs from another person.

    It also depends on your guy, but he may have been through much of it already, and can possibly share his experiences if he's mature and communicative. This will sound like a cliché, but he's probably been through a few jobs, been through a serious relationship or more, he knows exactly what he wants and what he doesn't need, he can see past the distractions in life. Maybe he's more sexually experienced and has unique tastes. Hopefully he's established a home, stability, a predictable income and work, and is probably looking to settle down and share it with a nice guy.

    culturally, you will have different reference points: music, movies, tv, and what you find interesting and exciting to do.

    these are all irrelevant though. its possible to overcome the differences, if you both make the effort. the young guy has to be more attentive to detail and responsive instead of just being all "yo" and "whatever". the older guy must be more patient and willing to let the younger guy face new experiences without rolling his eyes and thinking "been there, done that". physically you as the younger guy may just have more energy to do things or stay out til dawn, and you can't interpret the mature guy's mellowness or appreciation of comfort as him just being "old".

    you know how everyone says that communication is key? it is. this means talking about all the difficult and confusing things in your head that don't make sense. this means not shutting off and going away when you don't know what to do or say. it means answering your phone when you'd rather not. it means replying to that txt or email when its complicated. it means that you're going to sound like a dummy sometimes. but it also means that you're sharing whats inside your head with him as he should be doing with you. good luck!
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    May 25, 2012 12:33 PM GMT
    I think kingmo really nailed it. I've had several guys tell me that age is just a number, but there's really more to it than that. Kingmo summed it all up very well.
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    May 25, 2012 12:48 PM GMT
    Kingmo said it best, most younger guys are dumb.
  • fitartistsf

    Posts: 638

    May 25, 2012 12:57 PM GMT
    kingmo saidI dated a guy 16 yrs younger than me and frankly there is a difference in culture and outlook on life. The younger guy is just starting out, the world is new, opportunities have yet to be realised, and challenges await. Maybe he hasn't started his career yet, or been through a serious relationship, or had to face the difficult decisions of accepting less-than-ideal things (e.g. work, education, relationships, housing) in order to make life work. maybe he hasn't lived on his own yet and hasn't had to fear unemployment, homelessness, managing bills and household stuff. maybe he's not sure what he wants and just wants to see what comes along and experiment. Maybe he hasn't done a lot sexually and isn't sure about what he likes, wants or needs from another person.

    It also depends on your guy, but he may have been through much of it already, and can possibly share his experiences if he's mature and communicative. This will sound like a cliché, but he's probably been through a few jobs, been through a serious relationship or more, he knows exactly what he wants and what he doesn't need, he can see past the distractions in life. Maybe he's more sexually experienced and has unique tastes. Hopefully he's established a home, stability, a predictable income and work, and is probably looking to settle down and share it with a nice guy.

    culturally, you will have different reference points: music, movies, tv, and what you find interesting and exciting to do.

    these are all irrelevant though. its possible to overcome the differences, if you both make the effort. the young guy has to be more attentive to detail and responsive instead of just being all "yo" and "whatever". the older guy must be more patient and willing to let the younger guy face new experiences without rolling his eyes and thinking "been there, done that". physically you as the younger guy may just have more energy to do things or stay out til dawn, and you can't interpret the mature guy's mellowness or appreciation of comfort as him just being "old".

    you know how everyone says that communication is key? it is. this means talking about all the difficult and confusing things in your head that don't make sense. this means not shutting off and going away when you don't know what to do or say. it means answering your phone when you'd rather not. it means replying to that txt or email when its complicated. it means that you're going to sound like a dummy sometimes. but it also means that you're sharing whats inside your head with him as he should be doing with you. good luck!


    Spot on!!!! Exactly!!!! Well said!!! Also, in a lot of cases, opposites attract... both may have different likes and dislikes, but both are interested in learning from each other, regardless of the age difference...
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    May 25, 2012 1:08 PM GMT
    You can learn something about yourself from every relationship you have. It may work it may not. I know a couple who have been together since the younger one was 18 and the older one 30. And they have been together for over 35 years. So yeah it can work. Even if it doesn't work, try to end it in a friendly manner so that you can remain friends down the road.
  • HndsmKansan

    Posts: 16311

    May 25, 2012 1:10 PM GMT
    I thing age differences can present additional issues, but I think they can be overcome provided both have good communication qualities and flexibliity.
    As we see, guys with no age differences can't seem to overcome this very basic consideration.
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    May 25, 2012 3:00 PM GMT
    Perfect Kingmo .... activity levels and mindset.... conquer that ...... It depends on the person.
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    May 25, 2012 3:25 PM GMT
    In my experience with my first bf as he was 41 and I was 21, I ended it because I felt too self-conscious. He was great and sweet, but everytime we go out to hang, we see his friends that are all his age and I just don't communicate well as with people my own age. Also, the fact that I feel his friends are looking at me like a gold digger or him as a sugar daddy. I didn't like the feeling, so I ended it. I know people say the hell with what people think, but I just couldn't. And the idea of always thinking he's going to die before me and me being left alone comes into a factor.
  • BlueMoose

    Posts: 237

    May 25, 2012 4:35 PM GMT
    THanks everyone for the responses. They are very helpful. We just started to hang out so things are very early. If things do get really serious though I will definitely have to talk to him about these situations and if we are both ok with them. I am looking for a guy to be my best friend. A guy who challenges me and pushes me to be better. I want a guy who I always know will be there for me and make me happy. We already both feel an attraction between us so I'm hoping there is more than just attraction and that we have a real connection.
  • rnch

    Posts: 11524

    May 25, 2012 4:38 PM GMT
    As Always; it depends on the other guy.
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    May 25, 2012 10:14 PM GMT
    I have nothing of substance to add (my husband and I are three years apart in age). I just wanted to say this was the first forum topic I've read on here that included no spamming, no bitchiness and no drama. Kudos, gentleman, on taking BlueMoose's question seriously and doing your best to help.
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    May 25, 2012 11:15 PM GMT
    The main difference lies in experience.

    I'm in a serious relationship with a man 31 years older than me, and I have to say that the biggest difference is experience. He's had enough experience that he told me the other day that he wanted to live a simple life (not get the newest piece of tech. that comes out while I on the other hand am a tech. person that has to get the updated tech. [performance, etc.]). There is something I found out about myself though as a person, and it's that I CANNOT, not matter how long and how many times I've tried, get over him keeping contact with 1 specific ex that he had a relationship with while I had feelings for him that he knew I had.

    Other than that it's like any other relationship that's closer in age difference.

    I wish you the best of luck.
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    May 26, 2012 4:03 AM GMT
    sadly...from experience...it...does.... he's a scared, scarred, damaged, little boy hiding in a man's body. i'm not ready 2 be a parent yet....
  • waccamatt

    Posts: 1918

    May 26, 2012 4:09 AM GMT
    It can work, without a doubt. I feel like I'm 25 and none of my friends my age ever want to go out and do stuff any more (at night). They've all gotten old and I'm still 25. icon_smile.gif
  • Beeftastic

    Posts: 1747

    May 26, 2012 6:42 AM GMT
    My last relationship had a 20 years difference. But it worked while we were together. I am actively into new music, pop culture and other things that we had in common. I liked the energetic positive (and sometimes naive) perspective he brought to things. I also liked hanging out with his friends.

    He liked my set of older artistic, bohemian friends, we had a blast together.

    Yes, I would get pegged as a sugar daddy sometime (he was a part time model), and get disapproving looks sometime from people when we were out. But it was worth it. It was the second most important relationship of my life.

    And it doesn't have to be a daddy/son kind of thing, it can be whatever you make it.

    We did have a few issues about age, he was not serious about money and a practical career (he was pursuing artistic goals), and he was out of work a fair amount because of it (I never supported him except for staying with me sometimes). And he was ultimately not in a place where he wanted to put down roots, and coming up on 4 years, that became a problem for me.

    But any relationship has issues, and I don't think the age related ones were any more significant than others that relationships have.
  • BlueMoose

    Posts: 237

    May 26, 2012 6:51 AM GMT
    It is definitely not a daddy/son relationship. I just spent a nice evening with him tonight and he was very sweet. He took me out to a nice restaurant and we had a great conversation. I really enjoyed myself. He is a truly genuine guy who is very down to earth. Personally the only issue with age I can see right now given it is still early is that my friends won't understand and that may be awkward. Other than that it seems like it can work.
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    May 26, 2012 6:54 AM GMT
    You should NOT post that here. Everyone is going to give their own bad experience version.
    Follow your instincts and feelings.

    The true value of living is to stand by your decisions and choices.
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    May 26, 2012 7:09 AM GMT
    JPtheBITCH said
    borgiaczar saidYou should NOT post that here. Everyone is going to give their own bad experience version.
    Follow your instincts and feelings.

    The true value of living is to stand by your decisions and choices.

    Oh, this is what we do here. Youngsters post their questions about life. We old people laugh at them a little but also offer what serious advice we can, sandwiched in between the jokes.

    Welcome to RJ.

    +1
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    May 26, 2012 7:17 AM GMT
    momandpop saidi think if you watch enough porn, the generation that creates it (along with gay culture at large) will have succeeded in planting the idea that daddy-son dynamics are hot, thus rewarding them with some of that young meat that they missed out on back when everyone was either closeted or dying.


    LMAO hilarious!
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    May 26, 2012 7:18 AM GMT
    JPtheBITCH said
    borgiaczar saidYou should NOT post that here. Everyone is going to give their own bad experience version.
    Follow your instincts and feelings.

    The true value of living is to stand by your decisions and choices.

    Oh, this is what we do here. Youngsters post their questions about life. We old people laugh at them a little but also offer what serious advice we can, sandwiched in between the jokes.

    Welcome to RJ.


    Yes, this is just what these forums are for....

    Welcome to RJ
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    May 26, 2012 7:22 AM GMT
    fitartistsf said
    kingmo saidI dated a guy 16 yrs younger than me and frankly there is a difference in culture and outlook on life. The younger guy is just starting out, the world is new, opportunities have yet to be realised, and challenges await. Maybe he hasn't started his career yet, or been through a serious relationship, or had to face the difficult decisions of accepting less-than-ideal things (e.g. work, education, relationships, housing) in order to make life work. maybe he hasn't lived on his own yet and hasn't had to fear unemployment, homelessness, managing bills and household stuff. maybe he's not sure what he wants and just wants to see what comes along and experiment. Maybe he hasn't done a lot sexually and isn't sure about what he likes, wants or needs from another person.

    It also depends on your guy, but he may have been through much of it already, and can possibly share his experiences if he's mature and communicative. This will sound like a cliché, but he's probably been through a few jobs, been through a serious relationship or more, he knows exactly what he wants and what he doesn't need, he can see past the distractions in life. Maybe he's more sexually experienced and has unique tastes. Hopefully he's established a home, stability, a predictable income and work, and is probably looking to settle down and share it with a nice guy.

    culturally, you will have different reference points: music, movies, tv, and what you find interesting and exciting to do.

    these are all irrelevant though. its possible to overcome the differences, if you both make the effort. the young guy has to be more attentive to detail and responsive instead of just being all "yo" and "whatever". the older guy must be more patient and willing to let the younger guy face new experiences without rolling his eyes and thinking "been there, done that". physically you as the younger guy may just have more energy to do things or stay out til dawn, and you can't interpret the mature guy's mellowness or appreciation of comfort as him just being "old".

    you know how everyone says that communication is key? it is. this means talking about all the difficult and confusing things in your head that don't make sense. this means not shutting off and going away when you don't know what to do or say. it means answering your phone when you'd rather not. it means replying to that txt or email when its complicated. it means that you're going to sound like a dummy sometimes. but it also means that you're sharing whats inside your head with him as he should be doing with you. good luck!


    Spot on!!!! Exactly!!!! Well said!!! Also, in a lot of cases, opposites attract... both may have different likes and dislikes, but both are interested in learning from each other, regardless of the age difference...


    I think you have to just be aware of the differences... the same holds true of you date someone from an entirely different culture, ethnic group, country etc.. there will be differnces...

    BUt on the other hand... if there were no differences, it might also get too boring... so I guess you can just learn to work with them too... but if the differences are of such a nature that you simply have little opportunity to interact, that would make it difficult... jsut thinking out loud here
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    May 26, 2012 7:25 PM GMT
    GreenHopper said
    momandpop saidi think if you watch enough porn, the generation that creates it (along with gay culture at large) will have succeeded in planting the idea that daddy-son dynamics are hot, thus rewarding them with some of that young meat that they missed out on back when everyone was either closeted or dying.


    LMAO hilarious!


    Oh how I wish I was the one to write that
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    May 26, 2012 7:30 PM GMT
    Trollileo said
    borgiaczar saidThe true value of living is to stand by your decisions and choices.
    Last time I did that I ended up with teeth marks all over my neck and shoulders... Never again.


    Lol.....U R Not alone.......icon_wink.gif