Advice on a new relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2008 4:36 PM GMT
    I have been dating this guy for two months. Long story but we dated 13 years ago when we where younger, not sure why we went out different directions but we did.

    Well right away we clicked, we spent a lot of time with each other. The sex is limiting because he says he has intimacy issues. But has many feelings for me.

    Well two weeks ago I found out he had a hook up,(states nothing happened for him) even when we had the conversation about be exclusive. I told him I was leaving and that I could not handle this. He asked that I try with him because he wanted to get help for his intimacy issues. He told me he would change his cell phone and email address(which he did), gave me his laptop to show he is committed to this. We have seen a couple consular. Which has been good.

    Well recently he asked if he could have a few days of space because he says all of the events of the past few weeks have been hard. We did rush things a little it when I am home from work he is either at my house or I at his.

    What sucks is my emotions are getting in my way. I would like to call and spend time with him and I know part of it is because I feel unsafe with trust.

    I really care for this guy and we have a vacation coming up next week with his family no less.

    Do you think one who cheats could do it again even if they say they are committed to you because of the pain they caused?
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    Jul 24, 2008 4:52 PM GMT
    Sorry mate but this guy is full of bullshit.

    He sounds like he has honesty issues rather than intimacy problems.

    I reckon he's just not into you. Dump him and get someone who wants to be with you not some prize chump.
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    Jul 24, 2008 4:58 PM GMT
    You need a vacation, aiight--- from each other.


    Permanently.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2008 5:04 PM GMT
    Sorry Bud, I have to agree with the comments so far. Once a cheat always a cheat. They just find different ways and different lies. My Ex was like that. He told me everything I wanted to hear. He was sorry he would never do it again. I have heard it all. Get out now before you get too much invested. I know it is hard but you will be glad later.
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    Jul 24, 2008 5:37 PM GMT
    It only took two months for the guy to cheat on you, have intimacy issues with you (but not other people?), and put you both in couples therapy. First, you should tell your therapist they are a fucktard for not telling you two to break up. Second, kick this guy out, use your money you would have spent on vacation to move out (if you live together).

    A two month investment is not a big one. Walk away from him and find someone else. It may seem like he is trying, you may think you love him. But the guy doesn't love you and he is using you to work out his own sexual and emotional issues.

    Fuck him.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2008 5:38 PM GMT
    next.

    next.

    are you sprinting yet???
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2008 5:53 PM GMT
    My gut feelings tells me he is playing with you!
    Your choice now?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2008 6:26 PM GMT
    Run! Run like the wind! Date the product, not the process. He's got more than intimacy issues and they are deeper than anyone can fix. Take it from someone who's been rowing the same boat you're in, if you are struggling with the relationship now, think of after 2 years down the line. You can love him and care for him without having to be his bf. If he can't put your feelings above his own by carelessly running amuck with other guys, then he is not a true friend. If he expects you to go dry while he drinks from every stein that he wants, he's selfish and doesn't or can't or won't ever see your point of view or how you suffer. Me, I'm too far from shore to turn the boat around, so I'm resigned to look to the horizon. But you haven't left the dock yet. Run buddy, run!!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2008 6:31 PM GMT
    GeorgeE saidOnce a cheat always a cheat.

    Geez... so not true - everyone's different and people do actually change. The most important thing you can do is keep the communication lines open. If you don't tell him how you feel, he won't know.

    GeorgeE is correct though, some guys do simply tell you what you want to hear. But you'll figure that out soon enough - actions speak louder than words. Look for those REAL things and if he can't give them to you, well... you know what to do.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2008 6:32 PM GMT
    If by initmacy problems he means being emotionally intimate, I'd buy that. Sex when you have real feelings is a lot different than a one-night fling.

    If by intimacy problems he means sex in general, he's lying. Because if he's having sex with other people that contradicts that.

    So either he's really trying to work through these emotional issues, or he's just playing you to have someone constantly waiting for him while he still has flings. Either way, you probably shouldn't be in the picture. He needs to work through this stuff by himself and not drag someone else down with him. Maybe when he's worked through it and is in a little better place to be in a relationship, it'll be the right time for you to be together. And maybe not. But as it stands, you should probably peace out.

    Hope it helps.

    ~Alex
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 25, 2008 9:45 AM GMT
    Sex is "limiting"
    I don't know what that means
    and his excuse is intimacy issues?

    That's a red flag right there
    and then he goes and cheats on you

    I'd say the minute you get out from under that great big rock that fell on your head?
    You get out of there ...AND FAST!
  • thisguy023

    Posts: 204

    Jul 25, 2008 10:03 AM GMT
    I agree with all of the above.
    Get the hell out! He will hurt you again and again.
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    Jul 26, 2008 2:11 AM GMT
    You're living a fantasy if you think your "relationship" has a chance. He's a liar, and you know it. You say you love him, but you can't change him. Make peace with the fact that things won't work out, and let it go. Get out--before he gives you a nasty disease.

    If you find it hard to get over him, do the following:

    1. Call off the vacation! You don't even need to give him an explanation. A simple "I can't get away right now" should suffice.

    2. Look at yourself in the mirror, and remind yourself of your self worth. YOU DESERVE BETTER!

    3. Make a list of all the things you don't like about him. Meditate on that shit day and night until he seems like the devil to you. (This has worked wonders for me.)

    4. Make a new fitness goal and increase your workouts.

    5. Nurture the friendships you've ignored.

    6. Pray. icon_smile.gif
  • dcarm

    Posts: 291

    Jul 26, 2008 3:41 AM GMT
    Run... Just Run...

    Oh! Away! Run away!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 26, 2008 4:00 AM GMT
    I've been there...repeatedly. This guy does have intimacy issues, but they are way beyond a couple's counselor at this point. He needs to be seeing someone on his own. The problem isn't you as a couple, but him as a person. Also, if after three months he wants a break, you should give him one and not call him. He'll do the same and that will be the end of it. I'm usually the optimistic-give-any-guy-a-chance type of person, but I've seen this so often that it's like that song that repeats in your head and you just wish it would go away. He'll keep on doing this to himself and other guys until he finally finds the help he needs. You're basically seeing a child at this point. There is no maturity there and you just need to move on. Maybe, with luck, you'll find him again when he's actually grown up.