Dilemma - complex...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 24, 2008 6:44 PM GMT
    Alright...

    There's a guy that I've known for several years. Over the past year, we've become good friends.

    We mountain bike, rock climb, catch an occasional movie, grab lunch or dinner.

    We've been camping, done road trips, and are generally just really good buds. He's one of the only people in the world I can spend a huge amount of time with, and not be annoyed by. We share similar views on most every viewpoint regarding life. And he loves cars...

    Did I mention he's also hot, smart, educated, driven, and an all-around great guy??

    So...almost 18 months later, I'm realizing that I love this guy - not quite in love yet - hasn't progressed to that point - but, I realize, that I could, very easily.

    Here's the "problem".

    First, I'm not sure he knows I'm gay. He should, if he's paid any attention, but it's never, ever, been said. By that token, I have also presumed that he's straight. However, several incidents have made me question some of that.

    One, he's never talked about a girlfriend - past or present, by name. Two, as much time as we've spent together, females have come up about twice, for about three minutes, total.

    I know a few things. One, he's comfortable with some physical contact - neck/shoulder massage, walking with an arm around a shoulder, basic stuff.

    He's slept curled up beside me, touching, but not entwined.

    He doesn't look at females where we're out together, even when I have.

    He's younger than me - by a significant amount - which is odd that I even spend time with him, but his maturity level is far advanced of his years (he's 19).

    Normally I wouldn't even consider someone of his age. But...sometimes, you just have to throw the rule-book out of the window, and if I didn't actually believe that this had potential, I wouldn't even ask this question.

    So I suppose it's the age old question...do I rock the boat in the hopes of something more? Or do I keep status-quo, and enjoy the great friendship, and the great times that I have with this guy?

    Thoughts?

    Thanks
    E


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    Jul 24, 2008 7:01 PM GMT
    imo, come out to him, definitely, and see where it leads to.

    A friendship isn't complete if he doesn't know and accept that you are gay anyhow. Even if it doesn't lead to romance, it might still bring your friendship closer as well as lift a burden off your shoulders.
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    Jul 24, 2008 10:54 PM GMT
    I agree with Sedative.

    Come out to him. Don't make any advances, don't profess your love, just come out to him.

    Just see where it leads. You never know.
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    Jul 25, 2008 1:29 PM GMT
    Thanks.

    Maybe I just need some encouragement to do so...
    Man, I'd hate to lose him as a friend. I enjoy his company so much...but then again...I do feel like I'm hiding part of my life, and I don't like that feeling with someone that I'm this close to.

    I'll give it a shot in a couple weeks when I get home from vacation, and report back.

    E
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    Jul 25, 2008 5:29 PM GMT
    Change is the only constant in the universe.

    True for relationships as well as everything else.

    Things that do not change slowly wither and die.

    An 8 year difference is not so great, and he is over 18.

    I agree totally with Sedative.

    Choose your own time and place - somewhere were he would feel comfortable - and start the conversation rolling.
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    Jul 25, 2008 5:40 PM GMT
    NCS,

    Everyone is saying that it is a step-by-step thing.

    All you have to do is be honest with yourself and your friend and let him know who you are (which he probably already knows anyway - and so it is unlikely to be a big deal).

    I peg the likelihood of your losing a friend at about 1%.

    However, don't mix it up with a profession of your love. Let whatever happens happen.

    The age thing depends on the person(s).

    However, being someone's first love is very complicated.

    Of course, complicated or not you can't do jack-shit about your heart, it does what it does and you had better follow it where it leads.

    With admiration,
    Terry
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    Jul 25, 2008 7:51 PM GMT
    Wow this brings back memories. I had quite a few jock friends like that in College and I never said a thing. There were moments where it seemed so obvious that I should. LIke the time the MVP of the basketball team and I were lying in bed listening to music. I was feeling a bit turned on and he asked me "why do you date bitches". I became even more uptight and he reached over gave a squeeze on my shoulder and said loosen up buddy.

    There was another similar story with a guy who I am quite sure to this day is either gay or bi. Young guys these day don't have as many hang ups. You could do one of two things. Talk to him or just gradually find your self in a situation that is so romantic something has to happen.

    I recently met a young guy (around your age) in a parking lot in the mountains (fontana lake). We rode on the Tsali course together and then skinny dipped in the lake. At some point he started talking about what a great body his boss has. I took that as a sign to move closer to him. He laughed and then we kissed. That was one great day mountain biking!!
  • konfuzed

    Posts: 31

    Jul 25, 2008 8:25 PM GMT
    Just like they said, you gotta tell him.

    I got into many deep and interesting conversations with friends once I got over my fear of glancing at a guy around some of my close friends or comfortable enough to not bite off some trailing comment.

    But I missed out on several others, and only recently have had a chance to correct a few of those.

    So obviously don't just yell it out, but relax and just say a comment you might not have otherwise sometime that would lead into it. Worst ya get is an odd look while he sizes up what you meant before asking or just says something more direct back to ya.
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    Jul 25, 2008 9:17 PM GMT
    Any advice on when and where to tell him??

    Jeez, it's not like I've never come out before, but this one is 100x's harder than the last hundred people.

    wow - never expected that.

    I'm thinking I just need to do it at the house, one day when he's over. Don't really want to do it when we're out and about together...want him (and me) to have an "escape" route.

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    Jul 25, 2008 9:30 PM GMT
    From what you're saying about the level of physical intamacy he's comfortable with, I'm betting he digs you. He, like you, is probably waiting until the other guy says it first.icon_smile.gif









    DISCLAIMER Poster has no prior relationship experience!!!

    icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jul 25, 2008 9:33 PM GMT
    ncsucarjock88 said "Any advice on when and where to tell him??"

    You ended up answering exactly what I was going to suggest. At one of your homes away from others. Don't do it drunk. If you need 1 or 2 to get your nerve, fine, but don't be sloshed.
    He's likely looking for your leadership and experience and expecting you to make the first overture.
    Good Luck!
  • konfuzed

    Posts: 31

    Jul 27, 2008 11:53 PM GMT
    I'd go right along the lines of what the other guys said. Make sure it's somewhere that's more neutral, or if anything someplace he's more comfy at just to help.

    Over a beer is fine, after 6 beers not so much..

    Mostly just relax and from the sound of it, you have nothing to worry about it.
  • gr8hands4you

    Posts: 117

    Jul 28, 2008 2:16 AM GMT
    First of all. Ask yourself if it worth the friendship to pursue this. You might think he will be cool with this and it could backfire. Sexuality is not a bought being gay or straight. He may not seem to like girls but that doesn't make him gay. He is still young enough that he may not know where he is sexually. If you are good friends and have open conversations you should be able to ask his views on the subject. Don't confront him with your sexuality you may wish you hadn't. A much older man and father of 3 sons.
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    Jul 29, 2008 8:19 PM GMT
    I agree with gr8hands4you.

    If you really really really need to tell him, be prepared for the worst. If the both of you have not really shared anything of a sensitive nature, then it might be detrimental to your friendship to be the first to bring a sensitive topic up.

    In my experience, some of those who are "mature for their age" tend to be the ones who just have extra time to think a bit deeply into life's matters, but they are still ruled by inexperience. A lot is still theory to them.

    If you're apprehensive about saying it upfront, maybe you could drop stronger hints first and see how he'll react. Hopefully, this chapter will end well for the both of you.

    All the best! icon_smile.gif
  • GQjock

    Posts: 11649

    Jul 31, 2008 10:23 AM GMT
    I agree with most of the guys on here

    Let him know that you're gay and see where that leads to
    I think if you came onto him you'll likely lose him even as a friend
    He maybe and it sounds likely to me that he might be ambivalent about his sexuality
    The touching as you put it leads me to believe thats true
    so just drop a hint that cannot have him think anything else that you're gay... and I'm sure you can think of something
    and let him take the lead
  • dcarm

    Posts: 291

    Aug 03, 2008 3:38 AM GMT
    There is very little reward in life for those who take no risks.

    I think most of the others are right. Tell him you're gay, and see how he reacts. Until you know how that goes, there's not much point talking to him about the rest.
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    Aug 28, 2008 12:43 AM GMT
    Figured I'd update ya'll on this.

    I managed to get up enough courage last week to tell him.
    Things went very well, he said he's suspected for a long time, but never had any real confirmation.

    He told me he still loves me, and he'll always be my friend. So very cool.

    No, I didn't ask if he's gay. I'll let that card play out in it's own time, and at his own pace.

    Thanks for the encouragement.

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    Aug 28, 2008 1:12 AM GMT
    It's great to hear that's he's being really open to you being gay. Being out to him will enable for the two of you to grow closer...even if it's not in a way you wish it to be. Congrats man!
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    Aug 28, 2008 1:20 AM GMT
    That's pretty awesome man.

    I say inform him that you are gay since he's a good friend. It might open the door a little bit and he'll respond back letting you know what you want to know. His maturity level should definatley make it easier for you to appraoch the subject with him.

    I would say he has a clue your are gay and he might be gay himself since I can't picture too many str8 guys spooning together without feeling a little wierded out by the contact.

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    Aug 28, 2008 1:52 AM GMT
    It sounds like a completely positive experience. Since he's "suspected for some time" and still been so comfortable around you - massaging shoulders, sleeping close, etc., there's a likelihood that he's either gay himself or curious. But then again, maybe he's just secure enough around you that it isn't an issue at all. Either way, you come out a winner. He sounds like a great friend.
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    Aug 28, 2008 2:28 AM GMT
    Guy101 said I can't picture too many str8 guys spooning together without feeling a little wierded out by the contact.


    It might not be common, but it happens.

    My friend Jimmy and I used to snuggle up and fall asleep together all the time when we first met. He's always known I'm gay, and he's straight. That's just how it was! It was never a big deal, never complicated, and we are still great friends.

    We don't snuggle anymore though; not in years (I was in an LTR, and then he was married, etc...). In fact, I set him up with the girl he's been with for over 7 years now.


  • EricLA

    Posts: 3461

    Aug 28, 2008 6:54 AM GMT
    ncsucarjock88 saidFigured I'd update ya'll on this.

    I managed to get up enough courage last week to tell him.
    Things went very well, he said he's suspected for a long time, but never had any real confirmation.

    He told me he still loves me, and he'll always be my friend. So very cool.

    No, I didn't ask if he's gay. I'll let that card play out in it's own time, and at his own pace.

    Thanks for the encouragement.



    Congrats, Ncsu. Glad things went well. I think you were right not to ask him about his orientation. But, I would think if he is gay that he would tell you right off. Unless he's gay, but just wants you as a friend. You'll have to see how this plays out. It'll be interesting to see how he reacts the next time you suggest a camping trip, etc., where you'll be in close proximity overnight. Keep us apprised!
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    Aug 28, 2008 8:47 AM GMT
    ncsucarjock88 saidFigured I'd update ya'll on this.

    I managed to get up enough courage last week to tell him.
    Things went very well, he said he's suspected for a long time, but never had any real confirmation.

    He told me he still loves me, and he'll always be my friend. So very cool.

    No, I didn't ask if he's gay. I'll let that card play out in it's own time, and at his own pace.

    Thanks for the encouragement.



    Congratulation..

    it reminds me of my first and only successful come out to my friend when I was still 13 years old. Unfortunately, I lost contact with him soon after I graduated Junior high..