Closed Feelings

  • NeonEvil

    Posts: 35

    May 26, 2012 6:13 PM GMT
    Usually when I post in here, it isn't the most positive thing and well that's why its in the board of mental health, because well I have several issues, but I'm here to talk about them.

    Today I talk about future proofing your life, is it wrong to regret most things you've done in life and is it wrong to lament your existence. For the most part I believe I'm over the suicide hurdle, but now I just find it very easy to get mad at my short comings, which I seem to have a lot of.

    Like ironically one might say "well why are you posting your feelings here idiot" and to them I say "I am crazy".

    Today I have realised its viable to let go of hope, as it is hopeless to have it, simply abandoning this feeling is much better than having any aspirations, your just best to go on not thinking, walking forward without question the path you walk, as long as its there walk it right?

    Even if it takes you off a cliff these things won't bother you at the time, if anything people might get a jolly out of you walking such a path, being so predictable. I have just realised this because well I have lost faith in having dreams, they don't get me anywhere. In fact I have realised I need to be alone, I just make people unhappy with such posts as this one.

    I'm a walking example of hypocritical, I usually tell people how they can improve their life and move on, without being able to apply the same guidelines to my existence, there is something particularly horrifying about being aware of how incredible stupid you are, even as I write this, there is a part of me that wants to delete it and say goodbye to it, but unfortunately the conscious me wants someone to read this before eventually I do something rash.

    One thing that does make me happy is knowing at least others are happy, for as long as I've known them. Unfortunately for me I'm my own metacritic, stuck in an infinite cycle. icon_sad.gif
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    May 27, 2012 12:48 AM GMT
    "If I could live my life all over again, I'd make a whole different set of mistakes."~~saying

    You need to read this little book

    Johnathan_Livingston_Seagull.jpg

    You actually have some very nice thinking. Be patient with yourself and in time you will love the way your mind works. You seem to be coming to grips with a few truths of life and you simply don't know how to properly place all that yet. Keep moving forward, even when you don't believe you are making progress, even when it seems you are headed backwards, keep taking steps forward and it will probably come together for you.

    Picture someone with a photographic memory who is given the manual to life at birth. What do they know? The mechanics of it? Do they understand the underlying structures? Can they build one themself? Now picture someone who never read the instruction book but has to figure it all out on his own. Guess which one makes more mistakes. So are mistakes filled with regret or are mistakes filled with opportunities to learn?.

    You are right that dreaming doesn't get you anywhere. But working on your dreams might. Nor does it matter where your dreams take you. You might never arrive at your dream; rather, your dream might take you where you never thought of being. All that means is that the destination does not matter. Life is the journey. Don't let that stop you from dreaming.

    Do you think that you are the first person who can not take his own advice? We don't call that hypocrisy. We laugh a little and call that humanity. If you are better at helping others than you are at helping yourself, then maybe you should be in a helping field, helping others. That's a nice life. You are very young and with lots of time to build one. Give yourself some time, man. Life might surprise you.
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    May 27, 2012 2:57 PM GMT
    NeonEvil said...
    One thing that does make me happy is knowing at least others are happy, for as long as I've known them. Unfortunately for me I'm my own metacritic, stuck in an infinite cycle. icon_sad.gif

    Stop comparing yourself to others. You and your life are unique, any comparison is like apples and oranges and guaranteed to make you miserable. You only assume everyone is happier than you. Maybe others are looking at you, marveling at your advice-giving skills. Despairing over their own incompetence.
    I've heard a number of times in my life that my friends envied me, my looks and my life. They had no idea that my depression made my life hell and by comparison everyone seemed so much happier, better at life than I.

    NeonEvil saidToday I have realised its viable to let go of hope, as it is hopeless to have it, simply abandoning this feeling is much better than having any aspirations, your just best to go on not thinking, walking forward without question the path you walk, as long as its there walk it right? ....
    I have just realised this because well I have lost faith in having dreams, they don't get me anywhere.
    Nothing wrong with hopes and dreams, but remember to stop and smell the roses along the way. Break your path down into small steps and celebrate your accomplishments. Find out what makes you happy and pursue that.

    I've always dreamed of making movies, I know a lot of trivia about them, read 'Variety', one of the insider-papers, but today that is a hobby. Along the way I realized that what made me happy in my current job was data-analysis. Sitting at my computer the whole day wrestling with data. Celebrating when my analysis turns up some piece of information/knowledge that I or others could use in their jobs. I don't give a rat's ass that this is not flashy, will not make anybody envy me, is not furthering world-peace. It's making me happy, pays well and that's enough.
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    May 27, 2012 3:18 PM GMT
    You seem to be hyper critical of yourself but also self aware which is a good thing.

    You say your letting go of your aspirations because you think they are hopeless. So on a practical level, why are they hopeless ? Are these aspirations actually going to bring you real joy if you make them a reality ?

    Life is all about making mistakes. It's how we learn right ? Nothing to be ashamed of there man.

    It's always really easy to give other people practical advice about how to better their lives because you can be objective. As you say it's much harder to apply the same advice to your own life. Have you tried looking at yourself through a 3rd person prospective in order to do this ?

    You have to have hope for the future. That's what drives us and makes us want to get out of bed in the morning.

    So in your case your drive could be to make yourself a happier person, to try to identify the things which are causing you to feel so bleak and to work on ways to eliminate them from your life.

    Cognitive therapy can be really helpful in this regard but it sounds to me like you should go and seek some professional help if these feelings are becoming overwhelming.