Gay guys afraid of commitment?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 26, 2012 10:04 PM GMT
    Okay, first off i don't mean this in general to all gay men just that most in my experience fit what i will say below

    Okay so i have come across many gay men younger and older here and abroad and one thing i noticed in commun is that gay men are usually afraid or want to avoid marriage, why is that? Marriage basicly means you are devoting yourself to that person, i see how some just think that they dont need to show how much they love each other because they already know they are meant for each other, but excluding those guys many just avoid being in something serious.

    Anyone care to explain what is the big fear?
    If you like it, put a ring on it
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    May 26, 2012 11:28 PM GMT
    Avoid marriage? Well in the United States there is a whole movement for gay marriage. I don't think those people are looking to avoid marriage. In a lot of places around the world, gay marriage is simply not accepted, and is not legal.
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    May 26, 2012 11:36 PM GMT
    TheBizMan saidAvoid marriage? Well in the United States there is a whole movement for gay marriage. I don't think those people are looking to avoid marriage. In a lot of places around the world, gay marriage is simply not accepted, and is not legal.

    Yeah there is movement for it, but that is more because they want equality in rights for gays, a large group of gay men who voted for gay marraige didnt want to marry which is why i am confused, most rather have a ''permanent'' relationship then marry
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    May 27, 2012 1:34 AM GMT
    If/when gay marriage does become a viable option anywhere here in the US, I'm sure, after some time, more gays will be accustomed to the idea of getting married. There are over 1000 benefits in the US that marriage provides to couples. I don't really know what you mean by "permanent relationships", but from what I've noticed, gays who want permanent are longing to be in something that can prove that. This would be marriage. However, we (gay people) have done without marriage for so long that it has sort of become a cultural norm to view it as unnecessary to prove commitment. And I think that has gone a long way in bolstering the stigma of gay relationships as being uncommitted and unfaithful.

    But I am not even thinking of marriage until I'm in my 30's. And you being 18, well I can't really say for sure, but I thought "older" at 18 meant 25+. So if those are the men that you have "come across" as being uncommitted in your experience, well there is a damn well good reason for that.
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    May 27, 2012 1:51 AM GMT
    I can see what you mean, and no not 18 lol 99.99% of 18 year olds are not thinking of marraige icon_razz.gif
    Okay i understand and yeah by permanent i meant that when proposed with the option of marraige they usually say they rather have a boyfriend boyfriend thing forever rather then marry, and to be honest i understand the whole not needing to prove it thing but a lot of infidelity also happens and it is sad
  • FuzzyRich

    Posts: 52

    May 30, 2012 3:08 AM GMT
    The fear is settling for something you feel is inadequate. I'm terrified of that.
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    May 31, 2012 10:02 PM GMT
    Been with the same man since I was 19 years old and I'm now 55. And in 2008, after 32 years together, we put a ring on it - because we finally could legally marry. So please chalk up two old queens who aren't afraid of commitment. icon_smile.gif
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    May 31, 2012 10:13 PM GMT
    ChoklitDaddy saidBeen with the same man since I was 19 years old and I'm now 55. And in 2008, after 32 years together, we put a ring on it - because we finally could legally marry. So please chalk up two old queens who aren't afraid of commitment. icon_smile.gif


    Wow that's amazing, how did you guys meet?
  • great_scott

    Posts: 519

    May 31, 2012 10:58 PM GMT
    Marriage between two guys hasn't really been legal up until fairly recently, but it could also be because we're guys. Women are basically programmed to want to commit to stuff from day one. They're thinking about their wedding day before they even hit puberty. What's the most common toy for young girls? A fake baby. Guys aren't typically raised in the same way, so I'd say it's generally a guy thing. Maybe the issue is just compounded when it's two guys.
  • shutoman

    Posts: 505

    May 31, 2012 11:06 PM GMT
    Do I have to decide this question now?
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    May 31, 2012 11:30 PM GMT
    great_scott saidMarriage between two guys hasn't really been legal up until fairly recently, but it could also be because we're guys. Women are basically programmed to want to commit to stuff from day one. They're thinking about their wedding day before they even hit puberty. What's the most common toy for young girls? A fake baby. Guys aren't typically raised in the same way, so I'd say it's generally a guy thing. Maybe the issue is just compounded when it's two guys.


    ^This. There are biological, social, and legal differences between heterosexual and homosexual communities that account for commitment-phobia of gay men relative to straight men.

    I think men (gay or straight) are evolutionarily promiscuous, biologically predisposed against monogamy and towards spreading their genes. Women, meanwhile, seem to be evolutionarily less promiscuous and biologically predisposed -- as maternal caretakers -- to settling down with one partner to protect their offspring.

    Add to that homosexuality has been a social taboo until just recently. And on top of that, gay marriage is legally impermissible in most jurisdictions.

    Take away from straight males the biological imperatives of their female partners, take away the social pressures and norms of expected heterosexual courtship, and add legal barriers to straight marriage, and I'd bet straight men would be just as "afraid of commitment."

    As more gay men practice monogamy and expect it from their partners, and as gay marriage becomes legal, longer-term commitments like marriage should become much more of a norm for gay couples. But I doubt you will ever see gay men getting married in the percentages that straight men do, because of the biological component.

    (Does anyone know if gay males in countries where gay marriage is legal marry at the same rate as straight males?)
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    May 31, 2012 11:40 PM GMT
    maybe for some gays it's too much of a commitment and they want to be able to leave the relationship at their disposal and not worry about the legal strings.
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    May 31, 2012 11:40 PM GMT
    or they're just pussies.
  • mtman21

    Posts: 113

    May 31, 2012 11:43 PM GMT
    some guys thats all they want is someone to call there own and be loved like me icon_biggrin.gif
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    May 31, 2012 11:48 PM GMT
    AngeloOscuro said
    If you like it, put a ring on it


    And I say,"If you like it, stick your thing in it!"
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    May 31, 2012 11:53 PM GMT
    Wow, wait a minute! I've been committed (like, few times for couple of years), and it just didn't work out. Now I'm 36 and single, and not at all frustrated about that. In fact, I love being single. It's a choice, if you will. Respect it. Like I respect your choice to get married...
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    May 31, 2012 11:54 PM GMT
    Wow, wait a minute! I've been committed (like, few times for couple of years), and it just didn't work out. Now I'm 36 and single, and not at all frustrated about that. In fact, I love being single. It's a choice, if you will. Respect it. Like I respect your choice to get married...
  • alphatop

    Posts: 1955

    May 31, 2012 11:54 PM GMT
    Wow, wait a minute! I've been committed (like, few times for couple of years), and it just didn't work out. Now I'm 36 and single, and not at all frustrated about that. In fact, I love being single. It's a choice, if you will. Respect it. Like I respect your choice to get married...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2012 12:23 AM GMT
    mtman20 saidsome guys thats all they want is someone to call there own and be loved like me icon_biggrin.gif


    ^This is why. I will never be someone's possession.

    "Someone to call their own..."

    Ever notice in the English language the noun/adjective "own" is the same word as the verb to own.

    For example:

    He is my own. He is my own man. I own him.

    Ugh! Never.

    I want someone who loves me so much that all they want is what is best for me. All to often people love someone for what's best for themselves and not their beloved. I will love you enough to let you go if that is what's best for you. I will sacrifice my happiness if it brings you greater happiness. That is what love is. Love does not own. Love gives you a feeling of exhilarating freedom.

    When I hear people say they do not want to grow old alone I tell them just because you have someone in your life today doesn't necessarily mean you will grow old with them. Disease and accidents can take people when they are young too. It is very rare that couples die together. When all is said and done, you die alone anyway. To die without ever having been truly loved is the greatest tragedy of all. Sadly, most of us will die without ever having truly been loved or truly loved another.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2012 4:53 AM GMT
    guys, please don't buy into the myth of "biological determinism." as humans, we are greater than the sum of our parts, and this is evidenced by social complexities, intellectual capacities, tripled life spans, and scientific advances that we have developed such as politics, law, engineering, medicine, etc. to think that we are slaves to our biology is half-baked, reverse-engineered logic.

    the fact of the matter is that while evolutionary biology has been cited to favor the broad dissemination of DNA via male ability to ejaculate with short refractory periods, there are tons of examples of eusocial mating patterns in nature which favor partnership as a more viable way to ensure genetic longevity and "success."

    in short, assumptions based on men's ability to cum quickly as indicative of some biological imperative to have open relationships (not that there's anything wrong with that) or to fear commitment is just conveniently lazy logic. if anything, open relationships and/or fear of commitment is based on a complex social economy of hedging bets or maximising returns on emotional and physical investments, with no biological imperative whatsoever.

    discuss...