A "Straight" Guy In My Life

  • LaidBack

    Posts: 48

    May 27, 2012 4:36 AM GMT
    The reason I want to write this on here is to gain perspective. I feel I am respectful of my friends' privacy, and I haven't really talked to anyone else about this. In attempt to vent/explore/question, let me say what's going.

    I have a friend who is in the military. I met him last year where I work when we randomly started talking about VERY indie bands. I was surprised he knew about that kind of music, considering most guys I've met in the military have been more into the "mall metal" music scene. So, he stuck out.

    Nothing about him was striking, but I thought he was interesting and we seemed to have this strong connection before we even knew each other. These kind of things happen, but I figured I'd never seen him again. But, before he left, he told me to write down bands I thought he would like, and he even asked me to write down the band I used to play in so he could hear it. So, I did.

    The next night, back when I used Facebook, he friend requested me. I thought it was odd, considering I didn't say my last name and I didn't give him my card. I guess he googled the band I used to play in and found me there. Whatever. I accepted his friend request, even though I didn't know why he sought me out. My mind didn't even go into him maybe being gay, because I really wasn't that interested in him.

    That night, he messaged me over Facebook, and over the span of 3 hours (which, was crazy. Who in the hell talks over Facebook with a stranger for that long?), we covered a lot of ground. He even mentioned the first time he saw me outside of the office I work, and how I looked interesting, and he went to the specifics of what I was wearing, what my hair was like, and what he thought about me. He prefaced himself before he went into all that with, "let me say before I write all this, I'm not gay." Fine.

    Over the next few weeks, we got to the point of talking on the phone, and even planning on hanging out when he came back into town (he lives 45 minutes north of me in an army town). After multiple interesting conversations about sexuality, I concluded that it didn't matter if he were gay or straight, he was just a good guy to be friends with and I wouldn't force him into any corner with labels. I would just accept him as he was, and I was perfectly honest about me being gay. He didn't have a problem with it, and said his best friend when he was stationed in Korea was gay.

    After a few months of meeting up once a week and talking on the phone almost every day, I began to like him. I didn't want to, because physically he wasn't my type and I'm almost never interested in straight guys (I'm not above it, I just never have been), but the more we talked, the more I started to like him.

    One weekend I went over to his house, and we slept in the same bed because he didn't have a spare bed and his couch was too uncomfortable to sleep on. THIS WASN'T WEIRD TO ME AT ALL, because I've had plenty of experiences sleeping with straight friends in bed, especially under the circumstances. I definitely wanted "something" to happen, but never guessed it would.

    On Saturday night, we both drank a bit and went to bed. He said as we were falling asleep, "I'll be the little spoon and you be the big spoon." I said, "Huh?" and he told me to spoon him. I did.

    Throughout the night, while he was sleeping, I kind of let my hands wander and, after being in and out of sleep, I found myself at one point with my hands over his dick (which was erect) while he was sleeping. Although, I didn't think he was sleeping because he snored slightly, and when all this was happening, he was breathing quietly and on his back.

    This must have been really early in the morning, because his alarm went off soon after that. He woke up really fast, and as soon as I realized what I did, I felt horrible. He left the room and I tried to go back to sleep. He said he was going for a bike ride, but after a few minutes, the TV turned on in the living room. I went out there a few hours later (around 9:00 AM) and he was sleeping on the couch. I thought for sure something awful happened and immediately felt shame.

    We got ready for the day, and around noon, I finally told him we needed to talk about what happened. He said, "What do you mean?" in a way that I feel like he knew what I meant, but wasn't sure. I told him everything that happened, what it meant for me, why I did it, how I felt, etc. He said not to worry about it and repeated everything I'd said, reassuring me the circumstances were conducive to that happening. He said we'd never sleep in the same bed again, and I was cool with that.

    A few weeks later, after this intense guilt wouldn't leave, I finally told him I liked him, but I didn't want to. He said I need to remove him as an option for me, and that we would still be friends, just do things in smaller intervals of time and during the day. I thought that would be best.

    At the beginning of this year, we stopped hanging out, and we talked to each other the phone maybe once a week, sometimes only texting.

    Around February, he came down to Nashville to stay with me and my roommates. We all drank a lot, and after my roommates went to sleep, he went to lie down on my couch. I went to check on him to make sure he didn't need anything. When I was walking to my room, he said, "Did you want to cuddle with me?" Drunken, I said, "Sure." So, I lied next to him and found myself in the same scenario as the last. After a little while of me groping him, he told me to go to my bed.

    I couldn't believe that I did that AGAIN, and felt incredibly stupid. It was clear that I still had feelings for him (even if it was just horniness), and that was very embarrassing.

    The next night, he called me and said we needed to talk about what happened. I barely remembered, because we drank so much. But, he reminded me of everything, and then then the guilt came again. He said it was his fault and that he shouldn't have put me in that situation again. I agreed, and that was the beginning of the major awkwardness in the friendship.

    Since then, he's been traveling a lot for work, preparing for deployment in a few months. We've stayed in touch, but haven't really hung out. Recently, we've been calling more, and I went up last weekend to help him with renovations for his new house. The weekend was good, and no weird feelings came up.

    Yesterday he asked me if I wanted to go up there again to help him paint, this time he would pay me. I told him I didn't need his money and I wasn't working for him, and I wanted to help him because he's a friend. Things got weird, and then he told me he didn't want me to come up anymore. I pointed out how awkward he was being, and he said he didn't feel comfortable coming up there and painting with him "for free." I told him he needed to stop being so prideful and accept help AS A FRIEND instead of feeling obligated to repay. After all, he has a shitload of renovations to do before he left, and I knew he'd need the help.

    Nothing really progressed in the conversation, but I called him to tell him that I just wanted to be his friend, and when things get weird like this, it makes me sad because it's not supposed to be that way. After I told him I'd be staying in Nashville, he randomly texted me a little while later and asked where I wanted to eat; meaning, he changed the subject to tell me how he's moved on from the "serious" conversation and just wants to get things back to normal. But, I didn't feel like he gave any dignity to what I told him, so I never responded.

    Yes, I know this is all a lot, but I guess my question is: Should I pursue him as a friend? He's being deployed soon, and I want to hang out with him as much as I can before he leaves.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    May 27, 2012 4:56 AM GMT
    Haha you're such a girl

    #bullying

    icon_twisted.gif
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    May 27, 2012 5:03 AM GMT
    Anyhoo. He's either this new term I just learned called a "fag stag" or he's on his way out of the closet and is using you to help him get there.
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    May 27, 2012 5:43 AM GMT
    awwww....I would..icon_wink.gif
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    May 27, 2012 6:18 AM GMT

    Then just be his friend and stop doing silly things when drunk. icon_wink.gif

    When you guys were drunk and he asked if you wanted to cuddle on the couch you could have just grinned and said, "No, it's cool and you're sweet." and gone to your own bed. You had, after all, already been there and done that and talked about it afterwards.


    Your guilt is odd. Guilty about what? Doing silly things when drunk?

    intrigued,

    -Doug
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    May 27, 2012 7:16 AM GMT
    meninlove said When you guys were drunk and he asked if you wanted to cuddle on the couch you could have just grinned and said, "No, it's cool and you're sweet." and gone to your own bed. You had, after all, already been there and done that and talked about it afterwards.


    -Doug


    Lol I'm wondering, have you ever been drunk?

    @OP I always said to my friends: "When drunk, most of the time your true nature appears"

    If you want to spend time with him, then you should spend time with him, just try not to get yourself stuck again in those situations.. For example don't drink with him..

    But like TheBizMan said, he could be discovering himself through you..
    I can tell you, this will be a very bumpy ride for you!
  • LaidBack

    Posts: 48

    May 27, 2012 7:52 AM GMT
    It's already been a bumpy ride. I legitimately am over my "crush" on him, but realistically, would fool around if he wanted to.

    It's odd, though. I asked a few straight friends if a gay guy were to ever be physical with them when drunk, if they'd get pissed. All of them said "no" but said it would be very weird, obviously. This response makes me feel like he's a solid guy who just gets it when it comes to people. That, the circumstances provided, proved to be breeding ground for regrets. And, I totally agree.

    He's very religious and seems to be the kind of guy who wouldn't be gay just because he feels like his ideal man (the man he wants to be) isn't gay. If he's not "gay" in his own mind, then he's not gay. I'd like to throw away labels and just view it as is, and there's a lot of bitterness toward him because I blamed myself for what happened, but he was just as much a part of it as I was.

    The fact that we've been able to move past those two issues has proven to be great, but now that he's being deployed, I'm worried he's starting to push me away and find reasons to start skirmishes so I will leave him alone. But, he still calls and still wants to hang out, and it's been impossible to just go with it and give him the freedom to be himself. Especially because going along with it includes letting him be bitchy and selfishly detached for weeks at a time.

    And, yes, I made a mistake whilst drunk, but being drunk is being drunk. And, I'm a gay guy, so any opportunity to feel a nice dick seemed like a good opportunity, even if it didn't mean anything. Because, honestly, I would never want to make love to him. I don't want to be romantic. It's kind of like wanting to fool around with a best friend, but not enough to let it develop into something regular or because it's the "next step."
  • LaidBack

    Posts: 48

    May 27, 2012 7:55 AM GMT
    meninlove said
    Then just be his friend and stop doing silly things when drunk. icon_wink.gif

    When you guys were drunk and he asked if you wanted to cuddle on the couch you could have just grinned and said, "No, it's cool and you're sweet." and gone to your own bed. You had, after all, already been there and done that and talked about it afterwards.


    Your guilt is odd. Guilty about what? Doing silly things when drunk?

    intrigued,

    -Doug


    Guilty because I'm not a sexually aggressive person, and if my passes at him were unwanted, I feel awful about that. I couldn't imagine someone doing that to me that I didn't want to, and how gross it would feel. But, I also wouldn't be asking someone I thought was gross to cuddle next to me... twice.
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    May 27, 2012 2:33 PM GMT
    Well I don't think you should feel one iota of guilt. You can be disappointed in yourself if you like as you didn't live up to your own standards, but that's OK because many make mistakes, no one's perfect and it's also how we learn. Life's like that.
    You could also feel disappointed in yourself, if you like, that you didn't treat him the way you'd want to be treated if you were in his shoes and 'not interested' (looking at your above post).
    You have a good friend who doesn't think you're a bad person at all. In fact I suspect he felt badly for you which is why I think he offered to cuddle with you on the couch the second time.

    Now if you'd stolen something from him, or damaged something that was his then I'd expect you to feel guilty, but neither of those things occurred here.

    *winks warmly*

    -Doug
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    May 27, 2012 2:35 PM GMT
    Your friend is gay for sure! But he probably doesnt want to be or come out as gay! I mean he talk to you alot, he slept with you in the same bed more than once, he asks you if you wanna cuddle, he seems interested but maybe scared to be gay, you know maybe he doesnt mind gay guys but afraid to be one. icon_rolleyes.gif i guess
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    May 27, 2012 2:35 PM GMT

    HawkEyez said, "Lol I'm wondering, have you ever been drunk? "

    I have indeed. I guess it depends on how drunk, lol.
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    May 27, 2012 2:37 PM GMT
    icanada saidYour friend is gay for sure! But he probably doesnt want to be or come out as gay! I mean he talk to you alot, he slept with you in the same bed more than once, he asks you if you wanna cuddle, he seems interested but maybe scared to be gay, you know maybe he doesnt mind gay guys but afraid to be one. icon_rolleyes.gif i guess

    Or he could be bi on the sliding scale. In his case mainly straight but a little curious, so not relationship material for our OP.
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    May 27, 2012 2:43 PM GMT
    Straight men don't ask to cuddle with gay men unless they really DO want something to happen. Unless this guy can be honest with himself, there doesn't seem to be much sense in maintaining a friendship, especially since the situation continues to make you uncomfortable and often ends up "weird."
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    May 27, 2012 2:51 PM GMT
    To me it seems like you guys have a lot in common and extracurricular activity aside, seem to genuinely enjoy one another's company. I would be slow to throw something like that away.

    That said, you guys clearly need a lot better boundaries and OP, I think you're the one who's going to have to take the lead on that. If there's anything for this guy to sort out with his sexuality, he's the one who'll have to do the sorting.

    If he needs your help, he'll ask. Until he does, assume he's straight and start focusing on the things that brought you together in the first place.

    That's all I got. Good luck.
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    May 27, 2012 3:46 PM GMT
    I feel both of you need to lighten up about the MUTUAL sexual attraction you have. It is not for any of us to tell you what his sexuality is but he feels something deep for you. Play with it. Joke about it. It gets weird when it becomes a big elephant in the room.

    I think a lot of us have been in the same situation with female friends who found us attractive. Personally I've had more than a few woman try to "fuck me straight". With some of the beautiful ones I ended up drunk and spooning with them and they tried some of the same moves you made on him. Only, I never got hard so it had no where to go. The next day we both found it amusing. Why can't it be like that with a gay and straight guy?

    You are not bringing the elephant into the room. HE has the strong conflicted feelings NOT YOU. He's the moth, you're the flame(no pun intended). So your job as a friend is not to feel guilty but to help him resolve his conflicted feelings. In order to do this you must remove your interest in having him as a boyfriend so that he can find himself on his own. Try to keep it all light hearted and harmless like two straight buds talking about sports do. Do talk about sex and sexuality in this manner and many truths and confessions will surface when he realizes you aren't trying to push him into a corner. Take the roll of the mentor or the coach rather than the school girl with a crush.

    I was in a very similar situation with a work colleague many years ago. When he found out I was gay he came into my office and told me he was having problems with it because he had to reevaluate his whole imagine of me. When we ended up experimenting because of his initiative, I realized he was not straight but had some issues about sex. He ended up dating a friend of mine that I introduced him to but we remained friends for life. He still has issues with sex and now considers himself asexual. Does he sound a bit like your friend?

    I hope this has helped you put it all in prospective. Trying to have him as a boyfriend would clearly be difficult, painful, and overly dramatic. You'd be carrying most of the burden. Once you are convinced of this you can play the mentor and you could become deep loving lifelong friends.

    As for the aforementioned friend and his relationship with the friend I introduced him to (friend#2). They moved in together and lasted 5 years. According to the friend#2, sex was on and off and he confirmed my feelings that he had some deeply buried issues. He eventually left friend#2 so he could "see what's out there". It took friend#2 a long time to get over him and they no longer communicate. So tell me, what role would you rather play in this triangle?





  • LaidBack

    Posts: 48

    May 29, 2012 4:22 AM GMT
    Thanks, everyone, for the responses. We hung out all day on Sunday and worked on renovations at his house, and things were great. I will say there were times that I definitely thought, "OK, can we just fuck and get this over with?" He looked very handsome, to me.

    I think his journey with all this is a lot like mine. I would consider myself very "masculine" and not so far in the gay stereotype, but there would be times people would joke and call me gay, and I felt an incredible insecurity about it. Part of the reason I waited so long to come out is because I didn't want the people who thought I was gay to be right about it.

    He doesn't have a very good relationship with either of his parents, to the point he despises them. A few years ago, he was visiting his hometown for Christmas and was forced to be around them for a few hours. At one point, they both privately told him they didn't care if he wanted to date a boy or a girl; basically telling him they think he's gay. I think he just wants to beat the whole gay thing and hope it will go away... which, we all know usually doesn't.

    But, the beautiful thing in all this is the fact I'm able to not really care too much about him being gay or straight anymore. I know with him being in the army AND being religious, it must be pretty difficult to deal with those feelings. And, if he's actually not gay, there's no point in scaring off a very strong ally for the gay community.
  • StarrMatthieu

    Posts: 7

    May 29, 2012 11:45 AM GMT
    www.50centsloseweight.com
    Tenebrism saidTo me it seems like you guys have a lot in common and extracurricular activity aside, seem to genuinely enjoy one another's company. I would be slow to throw something like that away.

    That said, you guys clearly need a lot better boundaries and OP, I think you're the one who's going to have to take the lead on that. If there's anything for this guy to sort out with his sexuality, he's the one who'll have to do the sorting.

    If he needs your help, he'll ask. Until he does, assume he's straight and start focusing on the things that brought you together in the first place.

    That's all I got. Good luck.
    Thanks for your post.
  • Sportsguy1971

    Posts: 18

    May 29, 2012 11:57 AM GMT
    You can still be friends if you can handle "just being friends" just don't put yourself in a position to where things could happen, eg, sleeping in the same bed or cuddling. What is your gut instinct telling you?
  • LaidBack

    Posts: 48

    May 29, 2012 6:51 PM GMT
    My gut instinct is that if I'm patient with him, we'll end up spending the rest of our lives together. But I also don't want to pursue him with ulterior motives, which puts me back into a confused and helpless mode.

    We've been honest with each other since day one, and so far it hasn't freaked him out. I think he likes the fact that I'm gay, and he can sort of vicariously live through me. I also think he's too far into his being in the closet that he feels like he can't admit to me (and another two of his best friends who are gay) that he is, in fact, gay.

    But, as I wrote before, it's not that big of a deal anymore. If I could change anything, it would be me not wanting to have sex with him. Otherwise, we're fine. I just don't want to get hurt if he freaks out and decides he doesn't want to be friends if he starts to like me even more.

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    May 29, 2012 7:27 PM GMT
    I think you are a great guy for trying to a be a good friend to him. However, I think he has his own issues with his sexuality. I think he is in denial, being in the military and all. My ex is a Sheriff and was in the Navy, if anyone found out about him, he would go crazy. Even after all these years, he is still in the closet.
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    May 29, 2012 7:48 PM GMT
    Tenebrism saidTo me it seems like you guys have a lot in common and extracurricular activity aside, seem to genuinely enjoy one another's company. I would be slow to throw something like that away.

    That said, you guys clearly need a lot better boundaries and OP, I think you're the one who's going to have to take the lead on that. If there's anything for this guy to sort out with his sexuality, he's the one who'll have to do the sorting.

    If he needs your help, he'll ask. Until he does, assume he's straight and start focusing on the things that brought you together in the first place.

    That's all I got. Good luck.


    +1
    Yes, this!! Exactly...hopefully with DADT gone these guys can eventually get out of the self loathing concept that they'll never be as good as their peers.Then maybe they can come out of the closet and finally feel human.

    Imo, I think this guy is on his way but has a lot of perceptions on what he could lose, i.e. career, family, friends, etc. It's a journey we all take, some better than others...just be his friend...he'll have to do the rest. It may be cliche, "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink."
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    May 29, 2012 8:18 PM GMT
    I really don't think either of you did anything wrong here. I know a lot of guys in the military and knew that repealing DADT would not change military culture. It involves a lot of denial and I feel bad for him but at the same time if you want to be in a relationship with a "whole" person then he is not your guy. He has a long way to go and will face some set backs of his own making before he can try and find happiness.

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    May 29, 2012 8:23 PM GMT
    "Mall metal" is apparently a thing.

    Learn something every day I do.
  • LaidBack

    Posts: 48

    May 30, 2012 12:48 AM GMT
    LIEV said"Mall metal" is apparently a thing.

    Learn something every day I do.


    LOL. Mall metal = Slipknot, Disturbed, Atreyu, etc. Not hating on it, just... not my thing.
  • LaidBack

    Posts: 48

    May 30, 2012 12:52 AM GMT
    Adam228 saidI really don't think either of you did anything wrong here. I know a lot of guys in the military and knew that repealing DADT would not change military culture. It involves a lot of denial and I feel bad for him but at the same time if you want to be in a relationship with a "whole" person then he is not your guy. He has a long way to go and will face some set backs of his own making before he can try and find happiness.



    I agree 100%. I think "relationship" is more just being there for him when he needs me opposed to wishing he would just come out and tell me he liked me. I don't think that would change much, because he's still in his own frame of mine. He's told me flat out before that he thinks it's (homosexuality) wrong for him. He's the kind of dude, like myself, who hates to be lumped into something. And, since he's in the military, I can't imagine how difficult it would be to even go in that direction of coming out and being "whole."

    He has a best friend who's stationed in Germany who is very high up in command, and he's gay. I think he might have even been interviewed when DADT was made obsolete, on CNN or something.

    The bottom line is, he's a solid guy who I would be sad without. At this juncture, I don't want him any more than he wants me. I just feel crazy sometimes with labels and hidden intention. I need to allow him the freedom to be himself, because Lord knows he does the same with me.