My suicidal, ranting dad...

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    May 28, 2012 5:22 PM GMT
    He drives me crazy. On the one hand I cannot hardly stand him, because he's so MEAN and unbalanced. He abused himself with the intensity of religious devotion, and now blames the world for his ill health and multiple strokes (that HE caused over a lifetime of obsessive use of horrible food and dangerous substances). On the other hand, he chose me and my sister. He adopted us. I wasn't born Jack, I was born Jacob. That's powerful - to be chosen. People attach a great deal of importance to having their own children, but adoption (I would argue) creates a very different type of intense connection that is no less valuable or authentic.

    And yet, despite the fact that I admire him for his humor and work ethic, he just sucked two hours of my life away AGAIN. No, I don't want anything bad to happen to him; however, you can only threaten to kill yourself so many times over the course of 30 years before I finally just throw my hands in the air and say DO IT THEN! Put us out of your misery!

    I can't say that. He doesn't mean to be horrible. But why does he have to be so hateful, violent, racist, and MEAN. My dad is so mean. The irony is that he couldn't give less of a shit about me being gay - that has zero to do with this. He's just so MEAN. I talked him down just now, and even had him laughing... But I can't do it very often. I need a drink.
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    May 28, 2012 5:43 PM GMT
    Think I'll have a drink with you...
    After ten years of putting up with similar shit from my mother, I can't help but think: "just die already," Then hate myself for thinking it.
    Now that she's alienated everyone in our extended family, she still refuse to believe, it might be her...it's everyone else,,,they're the problem. Why am I the only one that understands this?
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    May 28, 2012 5:44 PM GMT
    Yes, that is exactly what he does: He projects all his problems, their sources, and the fault for them onto other people. He never accepts responsibility for his own BAD choices.
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    May 28, 2012 5:50 PM GMT
    The selective memory is almost comical as well
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    May 28, 2012 5:53 PM GMT
    Even more so, now that his multiple strokes have had their way with his mind... Strokes he had at only 50 years of age, because of his diet/drugs.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    May 28, 2012 6:03 PM GMT
    Sorry about your dad.


    I didn't know you did porn. Hot.
  • Webster666

    Posts: 9217

    May 28, 2012 10:06 PM GMT
    It is not our responsibility to take care of our parents.
    I know that some guys will disagree with me.
    But, it's true.

    My mother alienated all of her relatives, and she had no friends, all because of her anger, bitterness, and paranoia. Nobody should feel obligated to put up with that.


  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    May 28, 2012 10:18 PM GMT
    Sorry man, your dad has some serious mental issues that, unfortunately, you will not be able to help him overcome. What you describe are all the manifestations of hurt and anger your dad was subjected to at some point early in his life that have worked their way into his psyche and left him broken.

    The sad thing is that you can only keep your distance and hope he finds his way to therapy and maybe a better life.
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    May 28, 2012 10:23 PM GMT
    He's mean hateful and he's religious?

    How do those qualities go together in one person? That's prob why he's so miserable.
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    May 28, 2012 10:27 PM GMT
    TheBizMan saidSorry about your dad.


    I didn't know you did porn. Hot.


    http://www.seancody.com/page.php?frame=movie_index&model=561

    Very hot.

    Jack do you still collect royalties from SC? I know you hated them.
  • metta

    Posts: 39104

    May 28, 2012 10:31 PM GMT
    Is he going to a therapist? That is what he needs to do. I'm not sure what else could help in a situation like that.

    If that is not possible, it sounds like you need to back away from the situation for a bit.
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    May 28, 2012 10:50 PM GMT
    Religion, drug abuse, and ill health, what a combination! I don’t know if your father experiences any of these but the loss of independence, cognitive changes, frustrated problem solving, and impulsivity can be typical following a stroke(s).

    You stated that “he just sucked two hours of my life away AGAIN.” Take care of yourself. Limit your time in the lion’s den. Don’t allow him to make you the focal point of his frustration.

    *Hugs*
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    May 28, 2012 11:22 PM GMT
    I speak to him only rarely, and today I was ambushed by gramma: She called without warning in a panic, so I couldn't avoid it. I do see him and talk to him in smaller, spaced doses. I lived with him for 12 years, and that was enough.

    No, I don't intend to care for him. It'd be unmanageable. My sister has committed to taking him, and if that doesn't happen, he's going to a home. He will no longer do to me what he does to everyone else. That I talked to him for two hours is bad enough. I can't imagine gramma's misery... I don't know how she stands it, especially being 84 years old. It's unconscionable how he treats her. But she allows it, and has allowed it his whole life. He cannot change now, even if he wanted to. The damage to his brain had been done.

    Yes, he suffered when he was young. He internalized. He refused to get therapy. He refused doctors. He refuses diet. He refuses exercise. He refuses kindness. He has made the life he has, but I don't have to choose it too.

    As for porn, yes. I've done 25 videos for various houses. Now I produce it instead, because making it was so dehumanizing on some levels that someone had to finally commit to doing it a different way. A way that doesn't glorify fetishes, danger, shame, or guilt. At Anteros Media we are committed to avoiding exploitation at all costs. And although Sean Cody doesn't pay royalties, we do. Just another way in which I wanted to go a direction different from what I experienced.
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    May 29, 2012 1:01 AM GMT
    Jack, most of us do not choose our family. I'm happy to hear that you were blessed with adoption. I'm sorry to hear that your dad is not physically nor mentally well. Our family is who they are. We have to accept that they will be as they are and choose to be.

    At the same time, we can have boundaries for ourselves which if violated deserve a response out of respect for ourselves. I hope that you will set and respect your own boundaries for your own sense of self-esteem and self-respect.

    I hope that you might be able to have some kind of adult to adult conversation with your dad that is rational and sane. I hope that he gets help with his cries for help via his threats of suicide. It is a cry for help. And, at 84, he is in a high risk category for suicide. However, unless he is willing to help himself, there is very little if anything which anybody can do to stop him from fulfilling his own wish.

    I wish you and your family wisdom and strength during this challenging time.

    Aloha and Be Well!

    Alan
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    May 29, 2012 1:05 AM GMT
    dancerjack saidHe drives me crazy. On the one hand I cannot hardly stand him, because he's so MEAN and unbalanced. He abused himself with the intensity of religious devotion, and now blames the world for his ill health and multiple strokes (that HE caused over a lifetime of obsessive use of horrible food and dangerous substances). On the other hand, he chose me and my sister. He adopted us. I wasn't born Jack, I was born Jacob. That's powerful - to be chosen. People attach a great deal of importance to having their own children, but adoption (I would argue) creates a very different type of intense connection that is no less valuable or authentic.

    And yet, despite the fact that I admire him for his humor and work ethic, he just sucked two hours of my life away AGAIN. No, I don't want anything bad to happen to him; however, you can only threaten to kill yourself so many times over the course of 30 years before I finally just throw my hands in the air and say DO IT THEN! Put us out of your misery!

    I can't say that. He doesn't mean to be horrible. But why does he have to be so hateful, violent, racist, and MEAN. My dad is so mean. The irony is that he couldn't give less of a shit about me being gay - that has zero to do with this. He's just so MEAN. I talked him down just now, and even had him laughing... But I can't do it very often. I need a drink.

    HUGS*
    HUGS*
    HUGS*
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    May 29, 2012 1:08 AM GMT
    Then don't associate with him.
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    May 29, 2012 1:12 AM GMT
    Jack,
    It sucks when you feel like you're the adult when it comes to your parents. I hope your Dad is grateful that you are there to support him.

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    May 29, 2012 1:22 AM GMT
    As one who has also suffered from the Tyranny of the Weak, I can empathize with you. Sounds like your dad (and some others described above) have a generalized personality disorder. People like that often seem to have absolutely no self-insight regarding their own problems. It makes dealing with them, and the possibility of effective treatment, extremely difficult. You may have to consider limiting your contact to some degree just to handle your own piece of mind.

    Don't begrudge your grandmother too much. She sees the little boy she raised having problems and doesn't have the heart to give up on him.
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    May 29, 2012 1:28 AM GMT
    No experience with these kinds of things, but if someone were to verbally abuse me, while I'm 'being there' for them, I hope I'd draw a line and tell them to shut it or I'll leave/hang up and then actually follow through with it. In situations like these, nobody can abuse you unless you allow them to.
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    May 29, 2012 1:41 AM GMT
    yet I have experienced the mean side to you too Jack, just because I may not see things your way. Did you get this from your Pa or is it innate? In many ways you do seem to be what you hater bit diffrent. Your pa is religus and has strong none flexible views from that. You too have views the a none flexible, and when people don't see things your way, you get mean tooicon_eek.gif

    But dopes American law and society give your pa a way out? A clean supporting place to go, were he can end his life in safety, and support all around him.
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    May 29, 2012 1:49 AM GMT
    Mate I had a similar issue with my birth mother when i met her 20 years ago. First she wanted to meet in a bar in the morning, (RF1) then she wanted to meet for a drink in the local park (RF2) then when we finally met she reaked of alcohol at 10am (RF3).
    After chatting on the phone for a few weeks after finding out who my half brothers are etc, she started calling in the middle of the night evrynight. Saying shit like she was going to kill herself (RF4) and that i had just come along at the wrong time. I said to her well that happened when i was born, obviously we arent meant to know each other. She called back and abused me, even though we hardly new each other, threatened suicide again and I said do what you have to do, and never heard from her again. Neither have any of my (half) brothers).

    People of a certain generation have serious issues that I believe only become apparent to us because we are aware of them. sure its easy to say forgive them they know no better but thats crap! People of all ages are able to seek help and change the way they interact with those supposedly close to them.

    icon_cool.gif
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    May 29, 2012 2:36 AM GMT
    dancerjack said... I need a drink.
    irishrussian.jpg
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    May 29, 2012 2:37 AM GMT
    Photobucket
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    May 29, 2012 4:43 AM GMT
    GAMRican saidJack, most of us do not choose our family. I'm happy to hear that you were blessed with adoption. I'm sorry to hear that your dad is not physically nor mentally well. Our family is who they are. We have to accept that they will be as they are and choose to be.

    At the same time, we can have boundaries for ourselves which if violated deserve a response out of respect for ourselves. I hope that you will set and respect your own boundaries for your own sense of self-esteem and self-respect.

    I hope that you might be able to have some kind of adult to adult conversation with your dad that is rational and sane. I hope that he gets help with his cries for help via his threats of suicide. It is a cry for help. And, at 84, he is in a high risk category for suicide. However, unless he is willing to help himself, there is very little if anything which anybody can do to stop him from fulfilling his own wish.

    I wish you and your family wisdom and strength during this challenging time.

    Aloha and Be Well!

    Alan



    I was going to post on this thread until I read GAMricans message here. It is 100% correct and exactly what I wanted to say to you. Good luck.

    P.s. true blue Aussies post is ridiculous. Pay it no attention.
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    May 29, 2012 4:56 AM GMT
    Jack is one of the nicest, brightest guys here. Bob and I have admired him for a long time. We've also been lucky enough to see his films ........and they are good, very good.

    Jack, sorry you're going through a tough time with your father. Believe, me, I have to do a careful dance to try to get along as well as possible with my own mother. I think I can say I know something of what you're going through.