A Handy Guide to gay men (in your city)

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    May 28, 2012 8:45 PM GMT
    I'm going to bring this to Real Jock and see how the more creative and humorous and savvier members handle the material and play along. This is going to be a bit lengthy, so you're forewarned.

    Two years ago or so Gawker did a piece called : A Handy guide to all gay men. The article sucked but i thought i would improve it. Here's The original note i made on facebook. Afterwards jump in and create your own entry for a "Type of gay man" in your city. The below is for San Francisco.



    A Handy guide to Gay men-San Francisco
    by Jack Taylor on Tuesday, February 23, 2010 at 1:43am ·
    http://gawker.com/5472263/a-handy-guide-to-all-gay-men



    Attention SF friends, In Regards to Gawkers "Handy Guide to Gay men", which seems to be centered on New York gays, I ask that you submit your own TYPES of gay men you'll encounter... like a tourist guide to gay men in SF in the same vein of the piece above.... but way better because it was somewhat LAME. I'll have to sit on this just a little bit... feel free to chime in below. What fish will you find floating in the bowl.



    work in progress.


    The Radical Faerie

    Body Type: Can vary in sizes but in general The Radical Faerie is Thin and waifish and often hairy in body type, due to being Vegan and Multitudes of drugs, often cheap. Also often unwashed only showering bi weekly or depending on the size of the warehouse house commune and if there is running water. A Fat Radical Faerie is Rare. If seen, then swiftly contact the police, that means the food in the commune has run out and three Faeries are dead.
    Description: The Radical Faerie is actually a fraternal twin to the art fag, but the Radical Faerie expresses their glorious uniqueness not through art but fucking... Each other.. A LOT. It is unseen whether the Radical Faeries are indeed a cult or just a bunch of pseudo spiritual stinking whores but one thing is for sure.. they are friendly.... and fun to give money to on the streets. They often retreat from the city to wilderness to sodomize to drum circles and bonfires to goddesses n' shit. Dress often consist of thrift store clothes,hand me downs and articles stolen from tricks homes.Some prefer 60's throw backs that old hippies in their late 50's will not admit to wearing today. They like frilly pastels a lot and anything to exude that they a queer other than the fact a cock is constantly in their mouths. This contributes to gaunt facial features resembling that of an anorexic fish or Kate Mosses corpse.

    Do NOT attend a party , even if you are straight woman, with a group of faeries around and leave your partner alone. This is like leaving a bucket of fried chicken and a full cheesecake with Kristie Alley. Your boyfriend will be ravaged in seconds leaving no trace of his former self- No matter How ugly he is-They will try to fuck him. Be warned. In Case of sex (you or your partner) with a Radical Faeries, please contact Hazmat or the CDC immediately.

    Subcategories: Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence... See More
    San Francisco Hang Out: (needs filling in)
    Diva of Choice: Elizabeth Frasier
    Preoccuptions: Polyamoury, open relationships, sex in the woods, Gender and Queer studies, feminism, sketchy spirituality and mysticism, psychotropic drugs
    top or Bottom: Bottom- Too weak to fuck
    Celebrity Example: Devendra Banhart, Jake Shears
    __________________



    The Newsom Stepford Mo

    Condition: NSMs are homosexual men who have been infected with a communicable mental disease. Caucasian and Asian men tend to have a higher susceptibility to the condition, but the disease can affect any race. Symptoms include a radical devotion to the political hack wearing the best shoes, cruising political events for sex, working the HRC booth at Gay Pride, and saying things like "I'm fiscally conservative but socially liberal" with no concept that the statement is an oxymoron.

    Body Type: The body type of the NSM will vary greatly because it is a mental condition that affects a wide range of men. NSMs range from slender impressionable college students to fat fucks. However there are several characteristics that are unmistakable. Namely they are always well groomed, short kept hair, even if they're hairy they're well plucked, and unlike subsets of other groups they ALWAYS wear deodorant. ... See More

    Description: NSMs have lost their ability to think freely. In early 2004 they collectively lost their fucking minds when the douchebag they elected mayor allowed them to marry each other for a couple of weeks. They have maintained their blind, undying loyalty despite the fact that their beloved Mecca is in economic shambles. They are "politically correct" on every level, and aspired to be Hillary Clinton superdelegates.

    Since 2004 an entire "scene" has developed around this greasy haired metrosexual. NSMs favorite activity is to dry hump one another while taking photos at silent auctions with the "gaybie" they had with their lesbian BFF.

    NSMs may engage in drug use, however they would never promote its legality. This is because the cops in their neighborhoods act like they're from the Andy Griffith Show. Drug of choice is cocaine and "medicinal" marijuana for their stress or skiing injuries. NSMs are binge drinkers, generally white wine or vodka mixed drinks.

    If you've ever had someone hit on you wearing a "Team Dufty" shirt at the Folsom or Castro Street Fair…you've encountered an NSM.

    Subcategories: Twinks, bears, gym bunnies, hot nerds.

    San Francisco Hang Out: City Hall, LGBT Center, Martuni's, Toad Hall, Zephyr Real Estate Offices, Equinox Gym, Gus Presents Parties.

    Favorite Divas: Hillary Clinton, Dianne Feinstein, and Cher (because they still think "Half-Breed" was radical).

    Preoccupations: Attending Alice B. Tolklas Meetings, Manhunt, Marching in the Gay Pride Parade, Karaoke.

    Top or Bottom: They'd tell you they're a top, but you get them home and that's not the case.



    Dungeons and Dragons Alignment: Lawful Evil



    Celebrity Example: Jeff Lewis
    ________________

    Gay Guido (See "L.A. Gay")



    Look: $280 overly distressed denim; loud patterned designer Oxford shirt (untucked - to cover insecure butt area); gawdy applique/embroidery over everything; pointy leather court jester/elf shoes; fauxhawk (still!)... See More

    Habitat: Sunday Lime brunch, Trigger Happy Hours, any GusPresents event

    Sidekick: "Sex in the City" East Bay (faux) fag hag

    Shops at: Rollo, Max Muscle Sports Nutrition, BMW dealership

    Hobbies: conspicuous consumption; tanning; stage whisper gossiping; cocaine

    Accessories: mojito; Lady Gaga iPhone app; garish goggle D&G sunglasses; fluffy white dog in Louis Vuitton manbag.
    [/b]
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    May 28, 2012 8:54 PM GMT
    The Plastics

    Body Type: The type of body type that can only be achieved by a secret mix of protein shakes, cocaine, anabolic steroids, bulimia, red bull, restylane, creatine, ketamine and breath mints. Plastics are not allowed to consume any other sustenance or they are excommunicated by the other Plastics. The specific mixture is a trade secret (similar to the recipe of Coca Cola) which is only passed from Plastic to Plastic upon initiation...and it has no effect on fag hags. In addition to the elixir all Plastics are required to have laser hair removal and either spray tan or use a tanning bed. The elixir causes bodies to reshape completely. All body fat disappears completely, muscles swell, cheeks concave, and their skin takes on an odd hue of green (the color people take on in the Matrix). Plastics are considered objectively "male model hot" inside clubs and bars at night, but in daylight or florescent lighting they appear undead.

    Description: The Plastics are gay men ranging in ages from 25-39. They almost exclusively start out as the kids in high school who were brutally teased by other students. They were waif thin until the age of approximately 24, when they are discovered by another Plastic and transformed. Once Plastic, they socialize almost exclusively with their own kind, fag hags, drug dealers, sycophants, club promoters, go-go boys, porn stars, clothing store managers, DJs and bartenders. Socializing with anyone else in public usually results in severe punishment. Plastics however are permitted to fuck outside of their kind. But this is generally limited to all "jocks" of any race and fit bears...with a preferance for Brazilian men (because they're in season). ... See More

    It remains a mystery as to whether Plastics are gainfully employed. Theories as to how they sustain themselves range from trust funds, to having sugar daddies, to prostitution. Any individual who has attempted to discover their means of employment has disappeared (the gay mafia is suspected).

    Plastics are rare. They keep their numbers small by eating their own. There is usually an alpha-Plastic who decides who is "in" and who is "out." The alpha-Plastic has a consigliere to assist him in these decisions (usually in the form of his most loyal fag hag). A steady/healthy/non-open relationship or breeding and having a gaybie calls for immediate termination. Being excommunicated from the Plastics is particularly brutal. It usually involves the excluded Plastic leaving town and going to rehab…only to return as a bear (if they succeed at rehab) or a radical faerie (if they fail).

    Approximately every 3-4 years there is a coup d'état within the Plastics. It usually starts due to a fight with his fag hag. Once alienated the fag hag will select the next appropriate under-boss to overthrow the alpha-Plastic. All Plastics unanimously turn on the former alpha. Text messages, facebook messages, emails, STDs, and any infidelities become common knowledge. Then the true battle ensues. It is up to the fag hag to destroy the new alpha's previous fag hag. If she is unable to do so (without the aid of the other Plastics who remain neutral in this battle) she is also replaced.

    Subcategories: Are not permitted by the alpha-Plastic.

    Hangouts: Anywhere there is a VIP section.

    Diva of Choice: Kylie (they loathe Madonna because she's "OLD"), Beyonce and Lady Gaga are acceptable as "trends."

    Preoccupations: talking shit, ruining the lives of underlings, light workouts, starving themselves, fucking Brazilians, cosmetic procedures, traveling to circuit parties, shopping at Barney's.

    Sexual Position: BB Power Bottom

    Celebrity Example: Jesus Luz (despite being Madonna's "boyfriend")

    Dungeons and Dragons Alignment: Chaotic Evil
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    May 28, 2012 9:17 PM GMT
    I like the dungeons and dragons alignment. The Radical Faerie is? Chaotic Neutral?
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    May 28, 2012 9:34 PM GMT
    When you start writing for Gawker, I'll start reading it again.

    You are FUCKING HILARIOUS.

    I'll suggest another type of gay: Military Mary.

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    May 29, 2012 12:41 AM GMT
    +9000 icon_biggrin.gif
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    May 29, 2012 1:24 AM GMT
    Homo writing about homos. Gay...
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    May 29, 2012 2:03 AM GMT
    TheBizMan saidHomo writing about homos. Gay...


    Homo typing comment about homo writing about homo, ironically calling it gay. ....lazy.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    May 29, 2012 2:05 AM GMT
    JackKash said
    TheBizMan saidHomo writing about homos. Gay...


    Homo typing comment about homo writing about homo, ironically calling it gay. ....lazy.


    How are you enjoying retirement? You weren't too hot on the Celtics. icon_lol.gif
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    May 29, 2012 2:06 AM GMT
    I live in New York, this is would be a 10,000 page book....

    I think that's one of the great things about a "gay culture" is that there are so many and so much variation that you can ignore the parts you don't like icon_razz.gif

  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    May 29, 2012 2:08 AM GMT
    And btw I'm straight. I've decided.
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    May 29, 2012 2:12 AM GMT
    TheBizMan said
    JackKash said
    TheBizMan saidHomo writing about homos. Gay...


    Homo typing comment about homo writing about homo, ironically calling it gay. ....lazy.


    How are you enjoying retirement? You weren't too hot on the Celtics. icon_lol.gif


    Homo retorting with slam against his lazy commenting because he had nothing smarter or interesting to say with intentionally insulting pseudo racist and ridiculous celebrity comparison. Lazier.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    May 29, 2012 2:20 AM GMT
    JackKash said
    TheBizMan said
    JackKash said
    TheBizMan saidHomo writing about homos. Gay...


    Homo typing comment about homo writing about homo, ironically calling it gay. ....lazy.


    How are you enjoying retirement? You weren't too hot on the Celtics. icon_lol.gif


    Homo retorting with slam against his lazy commenting because he had nothing smarter or interesting to say with intentionally insulting pseudo racist and ridiculous celebrity comparison. Lazier.


    Blahh. You need a bib for the dribble leaking out of your mouth now. icon_rolleyes.gif


    sweet-as-can-be-baby-bib.jpg
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    May 29, 2012 6:03 AM GMT
    I think that your guide is missing some categories of men bro.
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    May 29, 2012 6:05 AM GMT
    araphael saidI think that your guide is missing some categories of men bro.


    Um. Did you read? Feel free to add your own. According to your city. If you are from SF, add more... I left this open as to propel the thread.
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    May 29, 2012 7:09 AM GMT
    That bib is precious!
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    May 29, 2012 7:16 AM GMT
    I laughed quite a bit. I love it!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 29, 2012 7:28 AM GMT
    Do you have anything in True Neutral or Neutral Good?
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    May 29, 2012 7:32 AM GMT
    TheBizMan said
    JackKash said
    TheBizMan said
    JackKash said
    TheBizMan saidHomo writing about homos. Gay...


    Homo typing comment about homo writing about homo, ironically calling it gay. ....lazy.


    How are you enjoying retirement? You weren't too hot on the Celtics. icon_lol.gif


    Homo retorting with slam against his lazy commenting because he had nothing smarter or interesting to say with intentionally insulting pseudo racist and ridiculous celebrity comparison. Lazier.


    Blahh. You need a bib for the dribble leaking out of your mouth now. icon_rolleyes.gif


    sweet-as-can-be-baby-bib.jpg
    Canary beans make me dribble too.
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    May 29, 2012 7:33 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidCanary beans make me dribble too.


    Don't you need this for that?

    charmin.jpg
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    May 29, 2012 3:55 PM GMT
    My bf told me how accurate this thread was, which it is. However,

    OP's post has the word "unwashed" in it.

    Reaported for spam.

    The plastics start as early as 22 around here. The standards are a bit looser though icon_neutral.gif
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    May 29, 2012 5:12 PM GMT
    The Rare Gay

    These gays are like god damn chupacabras, when you find one you second guess reality. Unfortunately the rare gay can be sub-categorized to a persons specifics, kinda like a person describing their version of Mr. Right.

    Their music choice is interesting. If you don't find top 40 or some remix of top 40 in their music collection then you have already made a HUGE discovery. These rare gays are hardly and rarely in the mainstream gay community so they aren't as easy to spot. Some instances of Rare Gay sightings have included in a mosh pit, randomly at some party, and airport layovers. These Rare creatures are often mistaken as Closet Gays. Do not be fooled, 9 times out of 10 when the Closet Gay comes out, a complete 180 occurs where he has new likes which seem to contradict his old likes (this isn't always the case, but seriously).

    The Rare Gay is easily mistaken for straight only because stereotypes influence the mistaken assumption. The Rare gay can also be mixed in with other gay sub groups, the Gaymers, D&D Gays, and sports gays.

    Subcategories: Any, they can be fucking anywhere
    Hang Out: Underground haunts, can range from some no name club/bar to some guys house party
    Diva of Choice: icon_neutral.gif..............slap yourself for thinking they have a DIVA of choice
    Preoccupations: Nothing stereotypical - Hair dresser? No. Fashion anything? No. Culture related? This one is kinda iffy, artsy crowd? No.
    Top or Bottom: Vers. The Rare ones aren't really picky
    Celebrity Example: Pffft there is no celebrity example, these Rare creatures don't need approval, if they did they would be everywhere

    Stats:
    Level: ?? - Varies
    Exp: Pffft they can open worlds to you if aren't stuck in a stereotype
    Str: ?? - Varies
    Dex: ?? - NOTE These guys are EXTREMELY talented
    Con: ?? - Varies
    Int: ?? - This only varies because its subject to interpretation a person with a PhD in (something) might not be impressed with a natural talent for (something)
    Cha: ?? - Their likeness is through the fucking roof, that's why when you find one you second guess reality
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    May 29, 2012 5:15 PM GMT
    Claystation saidThe Rare Gay

    These gays are like god damn chupacabras, when you find one you second guess reality. Unfortunately the rare gay can be sub-categorized to a persons specifics, kinda like a person describing their version of Mr. Right.

    Their music choice is interesting. If you don't find top 40 or some remix of top 40 in their music collection then you have already made a HUGE discovery. These rare gays are hardly and rarely in the mainstream gay community so they aren't as easy to spot. Some instances of Rare Gay sightings have included in a mosh pit, randomly at some party, and airport layovers. These Rare creatures are often mistaken as Closet Gays. Do not be fooled, 9 times out of 10 when the Closet Gay comes out, a complete 180 occurs where he has new likes which seem to contradict his old likes (this isn't always the case, but seriously).

    The Rare Gay is easily mistaken for straight only because stereotypes influence the mistaken assumption. The Rare gay can also be mixed in with other gay sub groups, the Gaymers, D&D Gays, and sports gays.

    Subcategories: Any, they can be fucking anywhere
    Hang Out: Underground haunts, can range from some no name club/bar to some guys house party
    Diva of Choice: icon_neutral.gif..............slap yourself for thinking they have a DIVA of choice
    Preoccupations: Nothing stereotypical - Hair dresser? No. Fashion anything? No. Culture related? This one is kinda iffy, artsy crowd? No.
    Top or Bottom: Vers. The Rare ones aren't really picky
    Celebrity Example: Pffft there is no celebrity example, these Rare creatures don't need approval, if they did they would be everywhere

    Stats:
    Level: ?? - Varies
    Exp: Pffft they can open worlds to you if aren't stuck in a stereotype
    Str: ?? - Varies
    Dex: ?? - NOTE These guys are EXTREMELY talented
    Con: ?? - Varies
    Int: ?? - This only varies because its subject to interpretation a person with a PhD in (something) might not be impressed with a natural talent for (something)
    Cha: ?? - Their likeness is through the fucking roof, that's why when you find one you second guess reality


    Hmmm.....self description perhaps? icon_razz.gif
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    May 29, 2012 7:41 PM GMT
    Firebrand saidMy bf told me how accurate this thread was, which it is. However,

    OP's post has the word "unwashed" in it.

    Reaported for spam.

    The plastics start as early as 22 around here. The standards are a bit looser though icon_neutral.gif



    unwashed... ok? Is that a non-real jock word.

    and you felt it necessary to
    REPORT my thread as spam, when it isn't spam?


    The Rare gay one was a nice try... but the rare gay is actually the closeted gay or the 'unwanted'/exiled gay. I will tackle that one when i get some time.
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    May 29, 2012 7:48 PM GMT
    JackKash said
    The Rare gay one was a nice try... but the rare gay is actually the closeted gay or the 'unwanted'/exiled gay. I will tackle that one when i get some time.


    Psh you must have glossed over where I said

    "These Rare creatures are often mistaken as Closet Gays. Do not be fooled.."

    EDIT: but obviously there is an unwritten criteria that must be met when adding to this list of yours. Maybe you should explain the requirements before asking people to submit
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    May 30, 2012 1:52 AM GMT
    according to the article we are all bottoms.

    Make so much sense...

    icon_rolleyes.gif