I'm a Homophobe?

  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 7:45 PM GMT
    So I grew up in a very conservative christain home. I was home educated all the way through highschool (which ironically involved a lot of classes outside the home). It wasn't until late last year that I really came to accept my sexuality as something good and not something to be resisted. I came out to my family over Christmas which though difficult, has gone decently well.

    Something I have noticed, but I am sure will ebb eventually, is that at times I can be suprisingly anti-homosexual. Like say some straight friend mentions he is going to hang out with one of his gay friends, my first thought might be, "Oh gay friends huh? Probably want to stay away from those..." and then I'll realize what I'm thinking and be like "WTF! *I'm* gay!"

    Or when a gay guy in my class was talking to my friend about his current relationship I had these uncomfortable feelings rise up in me almost like I was somehow superior to this "homosexual" (who is a great guy). Once again I caught myself and had to bring in some objectivity. Sometimes I find myself a bit embarresed to be walking out of a gay club or bar. I often wonder how my best friend can be totally cool being friends with a gay guy. Would *I* be ok with it if I was in his shoes?

    Anyways I have various moments like these every so often. I feel bad about them, but at the same time recognise that its a holdover from 22 years of thinking there was something terribly wrong with me.
    Has anybody else struggled with this? What expereinces of cognitive dissonance have you had?
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 7:51 PM GMT
    Welcome to life as a gay man. I went through that stage for a few years after coming out. It's only natural when you're raised with bigoted/conservative values.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 7:53 PM GMT
    It's called internalized homophobia, you're actually directing those negative feelings toward yourself. It's a common stage in the coming out process, it just means you haven't fully accepted yourself for who you are.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 7:55 PM GMT
    I think that having grown up in such a conservative background these feelings have been instilled in you and come as a knee jerk reaction when someone mentions anything gay. You said that you've only come to accept yourself within the last year or so. I foresee that it will take you a few more to accept that others are gay as well ;)

    Having lived in California, maybe it was a little easier for me to accept the differences in others.
  • Ironman4U

    Posts: 738

    May 30, 2012 9:00 PM GMT
    I agree with the other posts about it takes time to come to fully accept yourself and homosexuality in general after years of existing in a homophobic or less tolerant environment.

    With that said, I think some of the dissonance also comes from the fact that you may not relate to some of the stereotypical gay lifestyle personas or choices...which I think many of us aren't enamored with. It's ok, you don't have to be a flamboyant fashion queen or a butch muscle bear that hangs out in dark bars. We all have our place in this very broad and diverse tapestry. Just learn to be who you are and be ok with the differences that are out there.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 9:06 PM GMT
    join the club
  • Karl

    Posts: 5787

    May 30, 2012 9:08 PM GMT
    This is the beginning of a gay man 's life time , dont worry icon_smile.gif
    It took me 6 years since I was a middle school freshman (12 years old).
    I used to hate myself , hate everything about me.
    Then I was bullied , I thought about suicide , so many bad things happened.
    I hated seeing gay and those girly guys in my school ...
    I hated gay movies
    I hated all about gay.
    ----------------------------------
    When I was 18 , everything changed when I found the reason to live.
    I want love , I want happiness , I want to live with my partner and raise our kids.
    I accepted who I was...
    My life came to another page .
    You will be fine soon , think about possitive activities , think about all the beautiful things you want to do..
    Straight men and gay men , no difference when you want to do the best thing for yourself.
    Im from a Christian family too and Im from Asia, as everybody has known, being gay in here is considered "no future", "embarrasing" ... etc ..
    Good luck icon_smile.gif
    I hope you'll be fine. icon_smile.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 9:09 PM GMT
    Ariodante saidIt's called internalized homophobia, you're actually directing those negative feelings toward yourself. It's a common stage in the coming out process, it just means you haven't fully accepted yourself for who you are.


    ^
    Yes
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 9:11 PM GMT
    Its internalized homophobia. In a more malignant form, its called self loathing. Goes hand and hand with being a gay republican.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 9:16 PM GMT
    I know what you're talking about man, but it will eventually go away once you forget it and be all self concious about being gay and just start living...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 9:17 PM GMT
    Yeah, I struggled a lot with internalized homophobia, but in a slightly different way. I was always okay with other people being gay, but it took me a very long time to accept it within myself. I'm mostly over all that now, but it took time.
  • TheBizMan

    Posts: 4091

    May 30, 2012 9:18 PM GMT
    Yep ur a homophobe dude, but ur hot it's okay

    img-thing?.out=jpg&size=l&tid=26382038
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 9:22 PM GMT
    It will pass.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 9:24 PM GMT
    when i read this, im glad i was raised jewish. my parents were very conservative but were educated and smart enough to realize that saying shit that would harm me emotional as a teen could later lead me to do shit like hate myself. instead, they werent exactly joining pflag but def were accepting.

    ex. my brother, who lives in a different country, posted about his recent boxing match on fb. his eye was irritating him and he stated it was being gay. ooooooh man my dad called him right away and told him it was offensive to me without me ever saying a thing. my sister who btw is now christian and a pastor (long story about her conversion but lets just say she went to the midwest to study Christianity along side a her real ba), she ripped him a new one and ended her message with, i hope you never teach your daughter such ignorance and intolerance. a few hrs later i got a call from him, apologizing for his retarded comment.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 9:27 PM GMT
    Scruffypup saidIt will pass.
    I agree.

    OP: just focus on living your life, being happy and accepting that being gay is a part of who you are. What you enjoy doing activity-wise is separate and apart from your sexuality.

    You aren't any "more" or "less" gay than anyone else.

    As you watch posts fly on RJ, you will find out that not everybody has figured that part out yet. icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 9:40 PM GMT
    You don't have to love every aspect of gay culture, not liking guys in swishy pink tights and tiny dogs, prancing around and calling one another girl this and girlfriend that does not make you a homophobe. Sorry. It just doesn't.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 9:46 PM GMT
    smartmoney saidYou don't have to love every aspect of gay culture, not liking guys in swishy pink tights and tiny dogs, prancing around and calling one another girl this and girlfriend that does not make you a homophobe. Sorry. It just doesn't.



    guuuuurl! yeah she did gurl! yeah she did!


    i personally think its funny. he def doesn't need to hate that but he should understand that it is part of gay culture and its hardly something to hate. hating it would make him at par with any homophone who doesnt like gay sex because it involves having sex with someone of the same sex. ummmmm... if you dont like it, dont have it! you dont have to go to clubs if it makes you feel like crap. you dont have to immerse yourself in gay culture if you dont want to.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 9:47 PM GMT
    I find myself thinking sometimes when I'm with straight friends or neighbors that I'd rather be with them any day than go to a gay bar or pride event or similar. I'd rather much play volleyball with straight friends or at least mixed groups. Less drama and better looking guys in the mix. I prefer manly men so many gay events tend to focus on the feminine side which is a turnoff to me. I just went to a gay men's camping event where there were no sports. Just body painting, tutu making, drag shows, etc. Not my idea of fun.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 9:57 PM GMT
    braddomo saidI find myself thinking sometimes when I'm with straight friends or neighbors that I'd rather be with them any day than go to a gay bar or pride event or similar. I'd rather much play volleyball with straight friends or at least mixed groups. Less drama and better looking guys in the mix. I prefer manly men so many gay events tend to focus on the feminine side which is a turnoff to me. I just went to a gay men's camping event where there were no sports. Just body painting, tutu making, drag shows, etc. Not my idea of fun.


    drives me nuts when men say that straight guys are better looking. you have to realize that by saying this, you're stating that youre less attractive than your hetero counterparts. youre def not an exception to the rule when you throw blanket statements!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 10:27 PM GMT
    I like the way you understand what's going in your brain.

    Take it as a great opportunity to learn that you have little responsibility in what you feel (a large part of it comes from education etc...), and need to value what you do.

    Raised by banally racist parents, I'm myself very aware of racist emotions (noticing mixed couple walking on the street for example), while there is nothing racist in my opinions and beliefs.

    You should take pride about refusing to follow what was fed to you, and instead act according to what you beleive right. Not all guys care to do that.

  • calibro

    Posts: 8888

    May 30, 2012 10:29 PM GMT
    until you learn to say nice things, you're gonna have to walk around with a penis in your mouth
  • shawn829

    Posts: 21

    May 30, 2012 10:31 PM GMT
    Totally have a case of internalized homophobia too, made fun of gay kids in high school and was perhaps quite a jerk. Sometimes I walk around with my friends, all straight and guys, and loathe at the sight of a gay guy. But I know that my discrimination is wrong and just stems from my own self-hatred.

    Im certainly learning to accept myself and correct my attitude. Live and let live.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 10:31 PM GMT
    With all that you grew up with, it's understandable that you'd have these feelings. You just gotta realize and truly accept that it's perfectly fine to be gay and there is nothing wrong with it. I know what you're going through, I had to go through it personally and alone when I was younger... but at least you've made the steps to come out already.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 10:52 PM GMT
    braddomo saidI find myself thinking sometimes when I'm with straight friends or neighbors that I'd rather be with them any day than go to a gay bar or pride event or similar. I'd rather much play volleyball with straight friends or at least mixed groups. Less drama and better looking guys in the mix. I prefer manly men so many gay events tend to focus on the feminine side which is a turnoff to me. I just went to a gay men's camping event where there were no sports. Just body painting, tutu making, drag shows, etc. Not my idea of fun.



    puke
  • Posted by a hidden member.
    Log in to view his profile

    May 30, 2012 10:55 PM GMT
    braddomo saidI find myself thinking sometimes when I'm with straight friends or neighbors that I'd rather be with them any day than go to a gay bar or pride event or similar. I'd rather much play volleyball with straight friends or at least mixed groups. Less drama and better looking guys in the mix. I prefer manly men so many gay events tend to focus on the feminine side which is a turnoff to me. I just went to a gay men's camping event where there were no sports. Just body painting, tutu making, drag shows, etc. Not my idea of fun.


    See OP? Another example of internalized homophobia.