Making the first move

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2012 9:05 PM GMT
    I don't consider myself a shy person at all, and have never had any problems making friends, but I always seem to get choked up when it comes to asking a nice guy out.

    Never fails that I will meet a nice guy and know that we would have a fantastic time on a date together, but then I can never bring myself to ask him out. I always wait for the other guy to ask me out and then lose in the end ugh. In my last relationship I wanted to ask him out so bad but ended up waiting weeks for him to ask me.

    I think that sometimes I just feel I'm out of a guys league and have no chance, then I don't want to get shot down by him.

    Any advice on getting over this issue... I'm sure some of you have been in my place too.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 30, 2012 11:44 PM GMT
    Happens to me. I think it's 'cause we're scared of what the answer will be. At least I am.
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    May 31, 2012 12:20 AM GMT
    Lash saidHappens to me. I think it's 'cause we're scared of what the answer will be. At least I am.


    Ya I think that is def part of it. I will get all worked up and ready to ask the guy, then I totally clam up. I have a tendency to overthink things.
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    May 31, 2012 1:04 AM GMT
    I used to be afraid to ask guys out. Then I bought some rope and handcuffs.

    Now it's no problem at all. icon_biggrin.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2012 1:54 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidI used to be afraid to ask guys out. Then I bought some rope and handcuffs.

    Now it's no problem at all. icon_biggrin.gif


    Well with my job I do have plenty of pairs of handcuffs available...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    May 31, 2012 1:55 AM GMT
    Are you a bottom? If so then you have nothing to worry about...
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    May 31, 2012 7:12 AM GMT
    Aggieboy saidAre you a bottom? If so then you have nothing to worry about...


    Well I am versitile but prefer top...
  • Karl

    Posts: 5787

    May 31, 2012 7:29 AM GMT
    This used to happen to me.
    Shyness always kills us for the first time.
    Throw it to the left , asking once , then you will be completely comfortable when asking for the second , the third , the fourth times etc...
    Good luck ;)
    awesome_face_019902-15241.jpg
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    May 31, 2012 8:16 AM GMT
    It depends on the guy and my mood at the moment, if I want to say something to the guy I really like. I'd go for it, sounds like you have a case of fear of rejection, don't worry everyone of us do fear that sometimes or another, it bounds to happen, people reject you, you reject people, what goes around come around, karma. Don't let that consume you too much to become a chicken though. Good luck.
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    May 31, 2012 8:41 AM GMT
    xsocalguy8x saidIt depends on the guy and my mood at the moment, if I want to say something to the guy I really like. I'd go for it, sounds like you have a case of fear of rejection, don't worry everyone of us do fear that sometimes or another, it bounds to happen, people reject you, you reject people, what goes around come around, karma. Don't let that consume you too much to become a chicken though. Good luck.


    Yes I really do need to be more assertive. I guess the worst that could happen is to get a no. I just haven't been in the dating game for a while.
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    May 31, 2012 8:47 AM GMT
    jeffster said
    xsocalguy8x saidIt depends on the guy and my mood at the moment, if I want to say something to the guy I really like. I'd go for it, sounds like you have a case of fear of rejection, don't worry everyone of us do fear that sometimes or another, it bounds to happen, people reject you, you reject people, what goes around come around, karma. Don't let that consume you too much to become a chicken though. Good luck.


    Yes I really do need to be more assertive. I guess the worst that could happen is to get a no. I just haven't been in the dating game for a while.


    Give it time, you will be fine. Of course, some guys like assertive guys, some like shy guys, some like in between.....I'm going to quote my best friend *You need to take a chance on romance, if you don't talk to him, how do you know if you two click?* icon_biggrin.gif
  • wakejock

    Posts: 3

    Jun 03, 2012 3:45 AM GMT
    Yeah it is hard! I think everyone is afraid of making the first move!

    The worst they could say is no! If they say no, just don't take it personally. If they are a jerk about it, well, you don't want them anyways and you are better off knowing right away.

    The only time I have a problem talking to a guys is if I have an interest in them. Otherwise I will talk to anyone.

    Just means you have more balls than they do.

    Good luck
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2012 3:50 AM GMT
    VERY shy guy here, I have the up most respect for guys who intiate the first move. That takes alot of courage!
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    Jun 03, 2012 10:24 AM GMT
    I prefer shy guys. I find it very cute. The more shy the better, it's the only thype of relationship that works with my mindset. Im not a super dominant guy. But Im told Im the quiet serious type. I like to work for my bounty.
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    Jun 03, 2012 10:35 AM GMT
    wakejock saidYeah it is hard! I think everyone is afraid of making the first move!

    The worst they could say is no! If they say no, just don't take it personally. If they are a jerk about it, well, you don't want them anyways and you are better off knowing right away.

    The only time I have a problem talking to a guys is if I have an interest in them. Otherwise I will talk to anyone.

    Just means you have more balls than they do.

    Good luck


    Def good advice...

    I think just talking about this problem is helping out. I'm beginning to realize that a no is not the end of the world. I'm definitely gaining more confidence each day.
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    Jun 03, 2012 4:16 PM GMT
    You don't have any problems to make friends, right? Just think that the guys you are attracting to are just your friends, and the reason you want to ask them out is because you want to spend time with them and build a friendship. Actually a relationship should usually start with such kind of friendship.
  • chill_surf

    Posts: 37

    Jun 03, 2012 4:24 PM GMT
    iLikeDC saidYou don't have any problems to make friends, right? Just think that the guys you are attracting to are just your friends, and the reason you want to ask them out is because you want to spend time with them and build a friendship. Actually a relationship should usually start with such kind of friendship.


    Of course, then there is the issue of how to turn a friendship into something more? This is where I get stuck!
  • swimmer8671

    Posts: 429

    Jun 03, 2012 4:41 PM GMT
    Honestly you should be able to read a guy and whether or not he will be receptive to you asking him out.

    It isn't about being shy or not but you have to read into how he is answering you, if he sounds interested, how much he is smiling and laughing. These are all just indicators that he would love to go out with you.

    Learn to read body language, get a feel for people and their interest in you, and you will never be shut down again, trust me. icon_rolleyes.gif
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    Jun 03, 2012 5:25 PM GMT
    Thing about two boxes on a table in front of you.

    One big box filled with weeks of waiting and anxiety and a likely bad ending.

    One small box with one moment of anxiety, with room for either a good or bad ending, and the momentary suckiness of being turned down.

    They're both filled with bad things, so wouldn't you rather the small box of bad things? If you think short-term, then the big box is your pic.

    I try to enjoy the fact that I'm out and able to tell someone I like them. Something I was restricted from doing when I was in the closet. It's kind of a joy.
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    Jun 03, 2012 6:25 PM GMT
    swimmer8671 saidHonestly you should be able to read a guy and whether or not he will be receptive to you asking him out.

    It isn't about being shy or not but you have to read into how he is answering you, if he sounds interested, how much he is smiling and laughing. These are all just indicators that he would love to go out with you.

    Learn to read body language, get a feel for people and their interest in you, and you will never be shut down again, trust me. icon_rolleyes.gif


    I work in law enforcement so I have become pretty good at reading body language. I can generally get a pretty good assessment about someone within the first few minutes of talking with them. I think my problem comes when I just wimp out when its time to ask the question.
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    Jun 03, 2012 6:33 PM GMT
    I recently found out I have no problem with taking the iniative. I'm mostly concerned that I don't know the other person well enough and that the conversation is going to coming to a deadlock pretty soon. I'm fairly communicative, but a lot of guys aren't. That makes it harder. I met up with this guy a couple of days ago to go for dinner, but also invited another girlfriend. The guy I invited and whom I'm interested in, becomes very shy talking to me and this usually makes it more difficult to hold an interesting conversation. So I ended up going on a date with 3. Probably not the best move either icon_biggrin.gif

    I'm thinking of asking him out alone to go to the movies or something, but i'm rather apprehensive that we won't have much to talk about as the evening rolls on. I also become a little less relaxed (I wouldn't say shy) when talking to him.
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    Jun 03, 2012 6:43 PM GMT
    It's usually a little hard for me cause the kind of guy i'm usually attracted to is usually strong enough to kick my ass if he turns out to be a homophobe, haha. additionally, I think some straight guys check out other men in a non-sexual way... as in.. "that guy's pretty fit, I wonder what he does.." which also complicates things, cause then I wonder whether I can trust my read on a guy's body language.

    but if I have a drink in me all these rules go out the window. lol!
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2012 6:59 PM GMT
    OP: Just keep going on "dates" and at the end of the date ask him to walk/bus/drive you home. Then, invite him in.

    Nuzzle. Kiss. Let nature happen from there.
  • Jerebear

    Posts: 329

    Jun 03, 2012 7:07 PM GMT
    Courage is like a muscle. You have to work it to get it to grow.

    Personally, I found that by flirting with guys that I was not attracted to (not leading them on, just flirting) I was able to practice and learn skills that I could apply when it counted.

    This may sound like douchebag behavior but theres a fine line between harmless flirting and dishonesty/being a player/asshole. As long as you dont cross that line there's no harm done and you will develop more courage.