Still not over the Ex...

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2012 9:07 PM GMT
    I just ended a 4 year relationship a month ago and still really down about it. Any advice on how to move on? When is too soon to start dating again?
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    Jun 01, 2012 10:34 PM GMT
    Most people tend to start dating "again" before breaking up with the first guy. icon_lol.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2012 10:34 PM GMT
    BTW, time is the only thing that'll heal love wounds.

    However, give the iCompany a few more years and they'll have an app for that.
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    Jun 01, 2012 10:40 PM GMT
    There isn't any specific time frame for it. It's whenever you're ready. My only advice would be to make sure you're really ready because it isn't fair to the person you're dating if you are still hung up on your ex.
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    Jun 01, 2012 10:41 PM GMT
    Only you can answer that question.

    If you're still comparing people to your ex or talking incessantly about him, it's probably too soon to try and start anything serious.

    However, there is no reason you can't go out and meet people just to hang out and have fun. Just be honest about your intentions, and let the good times roll.

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 01, 2012 11:14 PM GMT
    DudeInNOVA saidThere isn't any specific time frame for it. It's whenever you're ready. My only advice would be to make sure you're really ready because it isn't fair to the person you're dating if you are still hung up on your ex.


    Yea i know and im not even close to over him yet.
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    Jun 02, 2012 12:23 AM GMT
    Time is the only thing that will make you feel better.
    Just be with your friends and concentrate on your life. I know it's hard to imagine, but eventually it won't hurt.
  • Karl

    Posts: 5787

    Jun 02, 2012 5:32 AM GMT
    Time can heal everything icon_smile.gif
    I hope you're fine.
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    Jun 02, 2012 5:36 AM GMT
    I am struggling with a similar issue. On the bright side, the gym motivation is paying off. icon_redface.gif
  • mikeylikes

    Posts: 53

    Jun 02, 2012 6:08 AM GMT
    RobertF64 saidI am struggling with a similar issue. On the bright side, the gym motivation is paying off. icon_redface.gif


    concentrate on making yourself better. at first you'll be like "fuck yeah look what you gave up." and eventually you'll be like "who?" and "wow i look good. the hell did i see in him?"
  • araphael

    Posts: 1148

    Jun 02, 2012 8:37 AM GMT
    paulflexes saidMost people tend to start dating "again" before breaking up with the first guy. icon_lol.gif


    And based on your expereince here: does that course of action usually work well for the wounded person? Just curious is all.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2012 9:11 AM GMT
    If you are still really down about your ex, then it sounds like you are not ready to start dating again.
    If you start dating too soon you will be tempted to rush the relationship to the level of intimacy you had grown accustomed to with your ex, which isn't healthy and often confusing.

    Give some time to reestablish yourself as a single person again, hang out with friends, take up a new hobby or sport. It may sound cliche, but you need to learn to be happy being single again before you can move on to a new relationship.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2012 9:18 AM GMT
    Sorry to hear about your breakup. As others have said, it just takes time.

    Invest in yourself for the time being by doing the things you enjoy. If there's something fun you wanted to learn more about or a skill you've wanted to develop (summer class?), maybe now is a good time to put some time and energy toward that.
  • Buddha

    Posts: 1767

    Jun 02, 2012 10:23 AM GMT
    Ouch a 4-year relationship? Man that can't be easy, you'll get over it eventually, but it will sure take some time, sorry to hear icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2012 10:24 AM GMT
    Just keep your head up, doing your normal routines, keeping in touch and talk with friends/family help a bit. It took me about 4-5 months to be okay and over him, it was approximate a 3 yrs relationship. Eventually I got back to dating again, I'd say it's different for everyone. For me, it took about 10-months to be *normal again.
  • Dominican_Gen...

    Posts: 379

    Jun 02, 2012 10:44 AM GMT
    They say it takes about half the time you were into the relationship to fully flush out someone.... So a 4 year LTR wound would take roughly 2 years to fully heal.

    Of course, you can start dating and having fun before that, but don't expect to find yourself falling in love with someone before that wound is healed. At least no if you want said LTR to be a healthy one.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2012 10:46 AM GMT
    Yikes, god how I hate the shallow gays. There is no answer on how to move on, it's kind of like the answer on how to mourn someone who has died, it's a personal thing, some people just go have a drink and go dancing, (the guys who say you should be dating before the relationship ends) and some say just keep working out until you stare at the mirror and fall in love with yourself so much you forget who you were with for 4 years.
    The answer is up to you. Four years is a long time, especially in gay years. Look on here, guys talk about knowing someone a couple of weeks and moving in with them, that is a relationship, so four years would be a super long term marriage to these morons.
    The answer is, it will take exactly as long as you need it to take. Could ne another month, or 6 or longer. Maybe working out, or working, or travel, or dating, or jerking off to porn. Again, you have these answers, not strangers on a strange random internet chat room.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2012 10:57 AM GMT
    It really depends on the guy. For some people it might take a year or so. But as mentioned before, it's a healing process. I found this link pretty helpful when I broke up with my ex, but the silly pictures weren't added then :p
    http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-a-Break-Up
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2012 11:05 AM GMT
    Only time. If you can get over a 4 yr relationship in one month, you would not have loved that person. And do not start dating until you are over him. Otherwise, the next person will just be a space filler.

    Best.
  • DanOmatic

    Posts: 1155

    Jun 02, 2012 11:34 AM GMT
    Shuttershock said: "..you need to learn to be happy being single again before you can move on to a new relationship."

    I think this is really true, and regardless how long it takes, being happy with yourself as a single man is something that is a prerequisite for a healthy relationship down the road. Be introspective and be honest with yourself about what you've learned from your relationship with your ex. Don't deny that it's painful, but lean into it and know you have to experience it in order to get through it.

    And when you do start to date again, I agree with some of the other advice you've gotten here so far: be clear at the outset with whom you're dating about your intentions. If deep down you're only trying to fill the void left by your ex, you're not being true to yourself, and you might end up cruelly misleading the guy you're dating.

    Best is to wait until you're working with a clean emotional slate, so to speak.

    Good luck, and chin up.
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 02, 2012 11:51 AM GMT
    Stuttershock saidIf you are still really down about your ex, then it sounds like you are not ready to start dating again.
    If you start dating too soon you will be tempted to rush the relationship to the level of intimacy you had grown accustomed to with your ex, which isn't healthy and often confusing.

    Give some time to reestablish yourself as a single person again, hang out with friends, take up a new hobby or sport. It may sound cliche, but you need to learn to be happy being single again before you can move on to a new relationship.


    ^ Agree 100%

    If you aren't happy and stable then it's going to show. I don't' know the circumstances of your breakup, but I'm sure a lot happened in 4 years and you need to process and move on. It could take a while.