when do you tell someone your expectations?

  • jeggey

    Posts: 50

    Jun 02, 2012 5:34 AM GMT
    So someone asked me what I was looking for in life with someone and I told them what i was expecting and never heard from them again. So when is the right time to drop the bomb of what you expect out of a relationship on someone?
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    Jun 02, 2012 5:51 AM GMT
    You don't know if they vanished because your life plans conflicted with theirs or because what you had to say was nucking futs.

    File it under unsolved cases.

    I wouldn't be opposed to hearing someone's long term goals right away. As long as it's not rigid and obsessively planned, or disagreeable, there's nothing wrong with it. Vanishing is sucky though, feedback is a good thing.

    Maybe next time decide to talk about that in person so he can't vanish without superpowers.
  • mikeylikes

    Posts: 53

    Jun 02, 2012 6:06 AM GMT
    don't tell people anything. be vague and unavailable. reply slowly and intermittently. apparently that's the way to go. icon_neutral.gif
  • DCEric

    Posts: 3713

    Jun 02, 2012 1:30 PM GMT
    mikeylikes saiddon't tell people anything. be vague and unavailable. reply slowly and intermittently. apparently that's the way to go. icon_neutral.gif


    uh.....ok.
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    Jun 02, 2012 1:50 PM GMT
    Why assume you did or said something wrong? They asked a question and you gave (presumably) an honest answer. Most likely they didn't like your answer, but you certainly don't want to go changing your life expectations to keep someone. Better to know now than later. My guess is this person was looking for an open relationship and you stated you wanted monogamy....or vice versa. Or it could be a million other scenarios. Don't sweat it. Just keep being honest with your replies and you will eventually find that missing piece.
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    Jun 02, 2012 2:21 PM GMT
    jeggey saidSo someone asked me what I was looking for in life with someone and I told them what i was expecting and never heard from them again. So when is the right time to drop the bomb of what you expect out of a relationship on someone?


    What did you say?

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    Jun 02, 2012 2:36 PM GMT
    jeggey saidSo someone asked me what I was looking for in life with someone and I told them what i was expecting and never heard from them again. So when is the right time to drop the bomb of what you expect out of a relationship on someone?


    When? There isn't a specific time. Each situation is different. If someone asks, it's best to be honest. Clearly, he was curious. If you never heard from him again, he wasn't right for you. It's better to get that out of the way early rather than three months down the road when you have actual feelings.
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    Jun 02, 2012 3:28 PM GMT
    That kind of conversation develops as trust is built. I begin to communicate expectations the moment I begin communicating with another person. When arranging for a first meeting, I communicate that I will be there, and here's my phone number. "Please call if something unexpected is causing you to run late". Just with that sentence, I'm communicating what some values...integrity and punctuality. Also, by setting a date and time, and not just an "Oh, we'll touch base sometime that day", I'm also communicating that I value my own time, and respect other people's time.

    The communication of values continues as I get to know people, and they get to know me. The communication of these values simultaneously communicates boundaries. These values become the "cultural norms" which are at the basis of relationships. When somebody asks a really probing question, I may choose to answer depending upon the level of trust established. Or, I may turn the question around and allow the person asking the question to share first.

    All relationships are a dance. Values are continually communicated and become expectations of normal, acceptable behavior. Without getting to know somebody fairly well first, it would be awkward and relatively random to just call out or blurt out expectations on a first meeting. That is callow.
  • FLASurfboy

    Posts: 101

    Jun 02, 2012 4:31 PM GMT
    redsoxfan791 said
    jeggey saidSo someone asked me what I was looking for in life with someone and I told them what i was expecting and never heard from them again. So when is the right time to drop the bomb of what you expect out of a relationship on someone?


    When? There isn't a specific time. Each situation is different. If someone asks, it's best to be honest. Clearly, he was curious. If you never heard from him again, he wasn't right for you. It's better to get that out of the way early rather than three months down the road when you have actual feelings.


    This is how I look at it too! With each interest I get I have a process that filters "casual daters" "hook up men" "time wasters/game players" as I don't have the time or position to be just MEETING men who couldn't be open to what I need at the present time. So the community is right. The guy did not agree with your expectations. Very few agree with mine, but NOT everyone is the same. You will find a guy that wants the same as you or similar and that will be your proper match, but take it from me with 17 years you have TO WORK THROUGH ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENCES THAT CROP UP to survive or it can't last long. IT is love. IT is war. It will HAPPEN! That's my perspective
  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    Jun 02, 2012 11:04 PM GMT
    My sister told her husband on their first date that she was looking to be engaged within 5 years and if he couldn't commit then don't bother. He laughed awkwardly but was amused and stayed .... Now theyve been together a long time and they have a great relationship.
    For me, if we were talking about entering a relationship I'd then talk about what I'd expect
  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    Jun 02, 2012 11:06 PM GMT
    m0dern saidMy sister told her husband on their first date that she was looking to be engaged within 5 years and if he couldn't commit then don't bother. He laughed awkwardly but was amused and stayed .... Now theyve been together a long time and they have a great relationship.
    For me, if we were talking about entering a relationship I'd then talk about what I'd expect


    Ps she isn't headstrong, she had a bunch of time wasters and went with the take it or leave it approach.
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    Jun 03, 2012 3:41 PM GMT
    m0dern saidMy sister told her husband on their first date that she was looking to be engaged within 5 years and if he couldn't commit then don't bother.

    I'd be outta there! Women with this imposed pressure to marry are a huge red flag, and the best part about being gay to me.
  • m0dern

    Posts: 32

    Jun 04, 2012 7:42 AM GMT
    SkinnyBitch said
    m0dern saidMy sister told her husband on their first date that she was looking to be engaged within 5 years and if he couldn't commit then don't bother.

    I'd be outta there! Women with this imposed pressure to marry are a huge red flag, and the best part about being gay to me.


    You could infer this wasn't the only thing they discussed. The point of the post is to be up front from the beginning with what you're looking for in a partner and what you expect ....then you can't go wrong with time wasters
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    Jun 04, 2012 7:50 AM GMT
    jeggey saidSo someone asked me what I was looking for in life with someone and I told them what i was expecting and never heard from them again

    Them? Were you dating a whole crowd of people?

    If you're specific about what you want you should be upfront early on (say within the first few dates). Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't want the same things and don't settle if it's not what you want.
    You let the guy know what you want. If he's not interested in it, he's free to go on his way. That's all there is to it.
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    Jun 04, 2012 8:05 AM GMT
    no fucking clue. the longest I got into it was like 7 months and there was never a moment to bring it up, though in hindsight I guess that's why it ended.
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    Jun 04, 2012 8:25 AM GMT
    mikeylikes saiddon't tell people anything. be vague and unavailable. reply slowly and intermittently. apparently that's the way to go. icon_neutral.gif

    It sucks that this is probably true.
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    Jun 04, 2012 8:46 AM GMT
    In this situation, the person asked and you told. That's fair game and clearly they couldn't handle it. You did nothing wrong since they opened the door on this.

    As for when you tell someone your expectations is all dependent upon the situation and the person in question.
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    Jun 04, 2012 7:02 PM GMT
    When you're asked.
  • FuriousGeorge

    Posts: 181

    Jun 05, 2012 1:38 AM GMT
    I'm having this issue myself right now. I've been seeing a guy for about 5 weeks now, and the motto up to this point has just been: don't overthink it and enjoy the moment. We haven't even really clarified our relationship (we still appear as "single" on Facebook and introduce each other as "my friend"), though we've been exclusive.

    Now I feel like it's time to shit or get off the pot because I have a fairly good idea of what I need and what I'm willing to compromise, and like others have said, I think sooner is better than later if you know what your expectations are. Why get attached if deep down you know that you wouldn't be satisfied? It may end the good times, but it will make you available for someone else who will be the right fit.

    So yeah, I'm sure the "let the good times roll" period is different for everyone, but just make sure you're not wasting your time.
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    Jun 05, 2012 4:15 AM GMT
    m0dern said
    SkinnyBitch said
    m0dern saidMy sister told her husband on their first date that she was looking to be engaged within 5 years and if he couldn't commit then don't bother.

    I'd be outta there! Women with this imposed pressure to marry are a huge red flag, and the best part about being gay to me.

    You could infer this wasn't the only thing they discussed. The point of the post is to be up front from the beginning with what you're looking for in a partner and what you expect ....then you can't go wrong with time wasters

    Yeah, I'd be glad she told me rather than waste my time 5 dates in. But in either case, I'd be outta there. That's a dealbreaker, ladies!