I suck at building friendships.

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    Jun 02, 2012 11:29 PM GMT
    Okay I'll admit, due to my somewhat introverted nature, I didn't put a lot of effort throughout college in establishing friendships. Now I'm in a situation where my friend-base is virtually nonexistent. I've lost contact with all of my friends in high school and I only have one close friend at the moment; but of course I would like more. I consider myself personable, very friendly, and have a broad interest of hobbies. I am by no means a HERMIT either. However, I still haven't been able to click with alot of people I've met through and out of college. People I befriend assume I'm much older than I actually am ALL THE TIME which ANNOYS me. I suppose its because of the way I carry myself and how I dress. I assume this factor discourages most people I interact with of considering any chance of friendship. I'm extremely socially isolated and I don't have many opportunities of meeting people. Now I'm beginning to battle an aversion to social interaction. I've reached a point where I've stopped befriending others because I've been unsuccessful in most of my efforts. Are there others who can relate to my situation? Any advice also? I'm doing something wrong here.icon_neutral.gif
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    Jun 02, 2012 11:37 PM GMT
    Sound pretty normal to me. I'm usually pretty introverted and shy too when it comes to the public setting where I don't know anyone. But really if you feel like you have a good personality then why not just put yourself out there more.

    Btw how do you dress like that would turn people off lol. If you're ever down in SD come hang out :-)
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    Jun 02, 2012 11:42 PM GMT
    Jay1922 saidSound pretty normal to me. I'm usually pretty introverted and shy too when it comes to the public setting where I don't know anyone. But really if you feel like you have a good personality then why not just put yourself out there more.

    Btw how do you dress like that would turn people off lol. If you're ever down in SD come hang out :-)


    Well I only say that because I'm not a trendy guy.. lol I could care less about trends and fashions. Also thanks for the offer ;) haha
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    Jun 02, 2012 11:45 PM GMT
    "How to Win Friends and Influence People"
    "How to Talk So That People Will Listen"

    Also, go to Toastmasters.

    You'll make friends. You seem nice.
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    Jun 02, 2012 11:47 PM GMT
    Ant94538 said
    Jay1922 saidSound pretty normal to me. I'm usually pretty introverted and shy too when it comes to the public setting where I don't know anyone. But really if you feel like you have a good personality then why not just put yourself out there more.

    Btw how do you dress like that would turn people off lol. If you're ever down in SD come hang out :-)


    Well I only say that because I'm not a trendy guy.. lol I could care less about trends and fashions. Also thanks for the offer ;) haha


    The best "trends" are the "classics". They never go out of style.

    For example, "Listening" is a great classic. "Being genuinely interested in another person's interests" is another great classic.

    What you wear? Relatively irrelevant. Although how you present yourself is a message and/or statement to others. "Birds of a feather"
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    Jun 03, 2012 12:01 AM GMT
    A friend had this exact same problem, she doesn't have much contact with her family and she had only me as a friend, I adviced her to do a group activity so she can mingle with other people.. In januari she went into medic school and now she's the center of attention in her class icon_smile.gif
    She made some great friends and she is really happy...
    I almost don't recognize her anymore because she was so socially awkward and now I'm the one that's more socially awkward lol..

    Maybe you can do a group activity too and hopefully find some interesting people?
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    Jun 03, 2012 1:34 AM GMT
    Ant94538 saidOkay I'll admit, due to my somewhat introverted nature, I didn't put a lot of effort throughout college in establishing friendships. Now I'm in a situation where my friend-base is virtually nonexistent. I've lost contact with all of my friends in high school and I only have one close friend at the moment; but of course I would like more. I consider myself personable, very friendly, and have a broad interest of hobbies. I am by no means a HERMIT either. However, I still haven't been able to click with alot of people I've met through and out of college. People I befriend assume I'm much older than I actually am ALL THE TIME which ANNOYS me. I suppose its because of the way I carry myself and how I dress. I assume this factor discourages most people I interact with of considering any chance of friendship. I'm extremely socially isolated and I don't have many opportunities of meeting people. Now I'm beginning to battle an aversion to social interaction. I've reached a point where I've stopped befriending others because I've been unsuccessful in most of my efforts. Are there others who can relate to my situation? Any advice also? I'm doing something wrong here.icon_neutral.gif


    Yes I can say for sure that I can relate to this situation unfortunately... icon_sad.gif

    If I knew what advice to give you... I would give it. Im stuck in the same boat.
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    Jun 03, 2012 1:37 AM GMT
    Ant94538 saidOkay I'll admit, due to my somewhat introverted nature, I didn't put a lot of effort throughout college in establishing friendships. Now I'm in a situation where my friend-base is virtually nonexistent. I've lost contact with all of my friends in high school and I only have one close friend at the moment; but of course I would like more. I consider myself personable, very friendly, and have a broad interest of hobbies. I am by no means a HERMIT either. However, I still haven't been able to click with alot of people I've met through and out of college. People I befriend assume I'm much older than I actually am ALL THE TIME which ANNOYS me. I suppose its because of the way I carry myself and how I dress. I assume this factor discourages most people I interact with of considering any chance of friendship. I'm extremely socially isolated and I don't have many opportunities of meeting people. Now I'm beginning to battle an aversion to social interaction. I've reached a point where I've stopped befriending others because I've been unsuccessful in most of my efforts. Are there others who can relate to my situation? Any advice also? I'm doing something wrong here.icon_neutral.gif


    If I looked like you, I'd be so popular icon_cry.gif
  • barriehomeboy

    Posts: 2475

    Jun 03, 2012 1:48 AM GMT
    Dude. Pvt me. I can help. Maybe.Way more than these assholes for sure though.
  • Jerebear

    Posts: 329

    Jun 03, 2012 1:54 AM GMT
    When you mention that people think you are older than you are, what they are probably trying to say is that you are too serious and no one wants to be friends with Mr. Serious, because they have to deal with all the serious people and all the serious (but, in reality, bullshit) issues in their working lives.

    Smile, talk about light relatable subjects to strangers and acquaintances, dont be afraid to be a little silly and funny and look like a fool and, most importantly, save honesty for when you develop a closer friendship, pay complements to people and help them see their good qualities, even if you dont really mean it.
  • Karl

    Posts: 5787

    Jun 03, 2012 1:56 AM GMT
    me too but now it gets better.
    I used to think that college friends are boring and not worth knowing because all they can do is studying studying studying blah blah blah ... Then i knew I was wrong.

    Friends wont come to you naturally. You must get to know them.
    No one could stay alone and want to have friend... no.

    You said you were "personable, very friendly, and have a broad interest of hobbies...." , that's the point ;)

    SHYNESS is the only damn thing to kill our relationships.
    Throw the shyness to the left , find some people and get to know them , you can join some activity groups as well.... I believe you're a great guy and very sociable with those characters which you just mentioned.


    Good luck man ;) you're very nice, dont worry . icon_wink.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 03, 2012 1:56 AM GMT
    Just be yourself. I know that's a lame thing to say, but it's true. If you try to be something you're not, people will see right through it.

    The best way I've found in making friends is asking a lot of questions. Try to build a rapport and learn about them. Hopefully, they respond in kind. Finding something in common helps. If there isn't a connection, don't force it. You're not going to be friends with everyone, so it's best you focus your energy on people with friend potential.

    I like to crack jokes, so sometimes I'll throw in a couple of well timed zingers or "That's What She Saids" to break any uncomfortable tension. If you're not funny, do something else that suits your strengths. As long as you're not an asshole, you'll be fine. You care enough to ask the question, so you're probably good in that category.
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    Jun 03, 2012 1:59 AM GMT
    Also...one other thing. What interests you? Do you like jogging? Join a running club. Do you like football? Most major cities have a gay flag football league. Same with soccer, softball, bocce, and every other sport or game you can think of. You can do that with pretty much anything. Just a thought.
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    Jun 03, 2012 2:04 AM GMT
    redsoxfan791 saidJust be yourself. I know that's a lame thing to say, but it's true. If you try to be something you're not, people will see right through it.

    The best way I've found in making friends is asking a lot of questions. Try to build a rapport and learn about them. Hopefully, they respond in kind. Finding something in common helps. If there isn't a connection, don't force it. You're not going to be friends with everyone, so it's best you focus your energy on people with friend potential.

    I like to crack jokes, so sometimes I'll throw in a couple of well timed zingers or "That's What She Saids" to break any uncomfortable tension. If you're not funny, do something else that suits your strengths. As long as you're not an asshole, you'll be fine. You care enough to ask the question, so you're probably good in that category.


    nah, Being yourself is NOT lame. Being FAKE is lame. icon_smile.gif

    There are too many fakers around these days.
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    Jun 03, 2012 2:14 AM GMT
    Simon1973 said


    nah, Being yourself is NOT lame. Being FAKE is lame. icon_smile.gif

    There are too many fakers around these days.


    Agreed. I was more saying that "be yourself" was a lame cliche. It is. But I agree with you 100%.
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    Jun 03, 2012 2:17 AM GMT
    redsoxfan791 said
    Simon1973 said


    nah, Being yourself is NOT lame. Being FAKE is lame. icon_smile.gif

    There are too many fakers around these days.


    Agreed. I was more saying that "be yourself" was a lame cliche. It is. But I agree with you 100%.


    Its not really a cliche, its actually good advice ! icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 03, 2012 2:20 AM GMT
    Try to start small - I've found it successful to follow a friend into his group of friends, or the opposite - invite a new friend I met into my friend group. Maybe try becoming friends with friends of friends? I know you don't have many currently, but I feel like you'll hit your big friend break somewhere icon_smile.gif
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    Jun 03, 2012 2:32 AM GMT
    MuscleLuke saidTry to start small - I've found it successful to follow a friend into his group of friends, or the opposite - invite a new friend I met into my friend group. Maybe try becoming friends with friends of friends? I know you don't have many currently, but I feel like you'll hit your big friend break somewhere icon_smile.gif


    That only works if the so called friends let you into their circle...
  • Import

    Posts: 7190

    Jun 03, 2012 2:54 AM GMT
    dude, in all honestly, I'm not trying to be rude or be an asshole or anything at all, but you look very serious....and unapproachable albeit handsome.

    If I saw you, for example in a social setting, such as a pub or bar on a saturday evening, I would think that you're handsome, etc, yet I would probably never approach you because you look very serious and almost standoff-ish....

    Obviously, I don't know you or haven't seen you in person, but from your pics you dont smile, u seem solem, or in deep thought, perhaps bored? You look as if you do not wish to be interrupted.

    I can understand how you feel. I moved to San Diego from florida 8 months ago for a job. Didn't know a soul here in SD. After finally settling in my place, etc.....it was in those quiet moments after all the day's work had been done that I thought to myself "now what?" ..I was lonely, no friends, didn't know where to start. ., . It seemed daunting to me to literally have to find a "clique" or build a network of all new friends in an area where I knew no one.. . The thought of having to "go through the motions" of starting new friendships almost seemed boring to me? (if that even makes sense)....

    anyway, long story short....you need to let people in. You need to be honest with people, laugh, express your opinions, dont take life so serious, get out of ur comfort zone, go on that awkward date with that random asian u met off grindr...or whatever.. who cares?

    Join something. What are u passionate about? Volunteer somewhere. Open yourself up to people even if they're people you would not typically associate with, such as fatties, uglies, lames, etc. (jk jk)

    I'll admit I used to be quite superficial about who my friends were. In Florida through the years and years of living there I had a clique a crew, a group of peeps that I thought were cool people to know and good people to chill with. .

    moving to SD has taught me to be friends with whoever is willing to be friends with you. Doesn't matter. Human interaction is so necessary and important for your mental health.

    anyway good luck dude







  • masculumpedes

    Posts: 5549

    Jun 03, 2012 3:01 AM GMT
    Import saidAnyway, long story short....you need to let people in. You need to be honest with people, laugh, express your opinions, don't take life so serious, get out of ur comfort zone, go on that awkward date with that random asian u met off grindr...or whatever.. who cares?


    This....I moved to Vegas 19 years ago without knowing one single person....it took some time but now I never meet a stranger. icon_wink.gif
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    Jun 03, 2012 5:47 AM GMT
    Yes. I moved to my college town, which is in small town Minnesota. If you've ever paid attention to my previous posts, I have bitched about because of the goddamn cliques. What happened was that I started to talk to people outside of work since that is more or less the core of my life. If you have a job, interact with your co-workers outside of the work place. I crashed my co-worker's grad party, for example (I work fast food) and met some pretty awesome girls (the hot tall one who looks like Kerli and I spoke German- it was cool!) as well as a very socially awkward gay guy. It's possible.
  • Machina

    Posts: 419

    Jun 03, 2012 6:48 AM GMT
    I have had problems like this at one time or another in life when shifting from people I used to be friends with to finding new ones more accepting and "real" than the ones I had.

    The gentlemen which have all posted above, have had some very good ideas, in fact I don't think I have seen one with which I don't agree.

    You are a very handsome dude, and if that was coupled with an approachable and easy-going personality you would be the ultimate "guy-killer".

    If I were near where you are, I would definitely be your friend. You seem to be a very nice, and very kind guy which just needs to let his guard down and invite others in.

    I very much respect your acknowledgement of your difficulties and truly empathize with just how hard that can be; it took me a long time to recognize that the problem was with me and not everyone else. It was quite disconcerting and felt hopeless at times, but I realized I was a much better person than the negativity was leading me to believe.

    Keep your chin up and show everyone your smile... I'm sure it's fantastic!
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    Jun 05, 2012 8:04 AM GMT
    Simon1973 said
    Ant94538 saidOkay I'll admit, due to my somewhat introverted nature, I didn't put a lot of effort throughout college in establishing friendships. Now I'm in a situation where my friend-base is virtually nonexistent. I've lost contact with all of my friends in high school and I only have one close friend at the moment; but of course I would like more. I consider myself personable, very friendly, and have a broad interest of hobbies. I am by no means a HERMIT either. However, I still haven't been able to click with alot of people I've met through and out of college. People I befriend assume I'm much older than I actually am ALL THE TIME which ANNOYS me. I suppose its because of the way I carry myself and how I dress. I assume this factor discourages most people I interact with of considering any chance of friendship. I'm extremely socially isolated and I don't have many opportunities of meeting people. Now I'm beginning to battle an aversion to social interaction. I've reached a point where I've stopped befriending others because I've been unsuccessful in most of my efforts. Are there others who can relate to my situation? Any advice also? I'm doing something wrong here.icon_neutral.gif


    Yes I can say for sure that I can relate to this situation unfortunately... icon_sad.gif

    If I knew what advice to give you... I would give it. Im stuck in the same boat.


    Well that's unfortunate to know.icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2012 8:06 AM GMT
    Machina saidI have had problems like this at one time or another in life when shifting from people I used to be friends with to finding new ones more accepting and "real" than the ones I had.

    The gentlemen which have all posted above, have had some very good ideas, in fact I don't think I have seen one with which I don't agree.

    You are a very handsome dude, and if that was coupled with an approachable and easy-going personality you would be the ultimate "guy-killer".

    If I were near where you are, I would definitely be your friend. You seem to be a very nice, and very kind guy which just needs to let his guard down and invite others in.

    I very much respect your acknowledgement of your difficulties and truly empathize with just how hard that can be; it took me a long time to recognize that the problem was with me and not everyone else. It was quite disconcerting and felt hopeless at times, but I realized I was a much better person than the negativity was leading me to believe.

    Keep your chin up and show everyone your smile... I'm sure it's fantastic!


    Thanks for the insight.. I really do appreciate it. This message applies to all of those who've responded!!
  • suedeheadscot

    Posts: 1130

    Jun 05, 2012 8:15 AM GMT
    Well done you on addressing this issue, I used to - and occasionally still do - suffer from social anxiety myself, and in my past lost a few friends from it.

    Here's a few things you can do to address this issue though: -

    1) talk to a counsellor. This may give you the space to work out why this is happening and also work through this.

    2) is there a gay men's welfare agency in your area? Some HIV prevention agencies do courses on self-esteem raising/self development/friendships/talking to men you fancy (!).(I know because I've delivered these courses!!)

    3) Why not join gay social groups? A lot of people find that they socialise easier while joined in an activity of some kind, people are happier to talk.

    Hope this all helps!