Ending a long term relationship

  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2012 6:32 AM GMT
    I recently realized that I want to end my relationship with my partner of six years. But I find the thought of it overwhelming, so perhaps others who have gone through something similar can lend a few words...

    This has been a long time in the making, as my partner and I have been growing apart over the years. Now we basically act like roommates.

    I've been in school this whole time, while my partner has not attended college. Although I didn't think much of this at first, now it's pretty clear that we don't have many common interests aside from each other. My feelings on what I want out of a relationship have changed, but I still love him as a person. And despite our relationship problems, he's still a friend, which is why I'm finding this so difficult.

    We live together, we have two dogs, and our lives are merged in several ways. I just foresee this being a huge undertaking. And above all, I don't want to cause him pain. But it's also unfair of me to withhold this from him.

    How have others gone about ending a LTR? Did you feel completely certain about your decision?
  • kiwi_nomad

    Posts: 316

    Jun 05, 2012 10:41 AM GMT
    Have you considered talking to him about how the relationship is? perhaps there's a chance or a way you guys could both work together to get your relationship back on track.
  • UncleverName

    Posts: 741

    Jun 05, 2012 11:14 AM GMT
    I'd agree with the guy above me. Talk to your partner. Maybe the end result will be the same but at least he won't feel like you've had a head start on him, as if you've known it was over for awhile and have already mentally started creating a new life without him. It's gonna hurt like hell either way, so you might as well do it the best way for both of you.
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    Jun 05, 2012 11:17 AM GMT
    It's natural for people to grow apart. With that understanding, it should be a non-issue to talk it over and depart peacefully. It's very likely he feels the same way.
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    Jun 05, 2012 1:21 PM GMT
    It sounds like you are living Half a Life..you will regret wasting time on this lukewarm relationship. Life is too short... you should have passion, romance, respect.
    you deserve it...yes you probably have mortgages, dogs, cable bills in both names...but 25 years from now what are you going to regret?

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    Jun 05, 2012 2:41 PM GMT
    I would echo some of what I've read above. Try to communicate your thoughts with your s.o. and see if there can be some hope for improving your relationship and finding more common interests. If there is no hope, at least you've tried. You indicated you really care for this guy, and so isn't it worth the effort to try to see if you can ignite the spark once again?

    I'm in my 50's now, so I've seen a lot of life. One thing I would caution you about is the possibility of ending your relationship and moving on out into the world...........only to find out that the grass isn't greener on the other side after all. And then it might be too late to turn back. What I mean is the situation at home now might be less than exciting, but there may not be another chance at finding someone you care so much about, and you could regret saying good bye to this person you care so much for.
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    Jun 05, 2012 3:00 PM GMT
    one of the things i notice most about breakups of all flavors is that people often wait too long and they don't save the connection. nothing is forever, even if you stay together. honest communication can help you preserve the connection in some form, even if it's not an intimate relationship
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    Jun 05, 2012 3:15 PM GMT
    There are several ways.

    Coward: cheating

    Narcisstic: make yourself feel like the victim here because he hasn't made you happy and make him feel like he's the bad guy. He'll believe it and break up with you.

    Psychopathic: Kill him

    Insecure: Ask random people what to do about it (also online) until he eventually finds out what you really want... then you'll have the dreaded talk.

    Adult / Normal way: Sit him down and discuss your feelings and what it would take for him and you both to light the fire back up again. If you guys can't work it out together warn him that you'll need to be on your own again and then eventually let him go easy...
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2012 3:19 PM GMT
    Just curious, what do you want out of a relationship that he is not satisfying? He is not intellectually stimulating?
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    Jun 05, 2012 3:25 PM GMT
    And btw, some really successful people doesn't have a college degree, just saying and you probably already knows this. education degree does not equal smartness. I would look whether he's a hard worker or has a good heart. Those are the things I won't negotiate, not an education degree.
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    Jun 05, 2012 3:41 PM GMT
    It's worth having a candid conversation with your partner before ending it. Relationships go through phases and hopefully after communicating your feelings, you guys will be able to move forward:-)
  • BlackBeltGuy

    Posts: 2609

    Jun 05, 2012 3:54 PM GMT
    I ended my 6 year relationship and it was easy. He thought monogamy was a type of wood you decorate with.

    good luck. you are also at an itch point. approaching 7 years. At the end of the day if you see yourself with him in 10 years then stay, if you honestly do not then leave. life is short


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    Jun 05, 2012 4:00 PM GMT
    I went through this same situation. I was with my prior partner for five and a half years. We both found ourselves at the right time in our lives. As the years ticked by, sex stopped and with that the emotional bound that we had with each other went away as well. There were times when he or I wanted to end it, but due to sheer loneliness, we stayed together. We also fell into the “roommate” status. I started doing my own thing, not cheating or anything, but cooking my own dinner, doing my own laundry, ect. Finally, I realized that the only thing that was being accomplished was material things. Staying together for so long did nothing but keep one another from being happy with someone else. Eventually, we had that conversation and unfortunately I had to start it. I think the main reason we waited so long is neither one of us wanted to be the “bad guy.” My advice is that both of you deserve to be happy, and if you are not happy it’s better to end it sooner than later. The longer you wait the harder it may be to end it. Like I mentioned, the key thing to remember is that you BOTH deserve to be happy, and staying together is not going to accomplish that.
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    Jun 05, 2012 4:02 PM GMT
    This makes me so sad.
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    Jun 05, 2012 4:07 PM GMT
    *sigh*

    you wrote: "I recently realized that I want to end my relationship with my partner of six years" + the fact that you're polling RJ for breakup strategies, indicates that you are already at a point of singularity on this.

    a relationship is teamwork, and if you've made the decision by yourself already, its clear that the team isn't playing together.

    out of respect for yourself and your friend whom you love and care for, do the adult thing and talk it over privately, calmly, gently. tell him exactly what you wrote here. no blame, no remorse, just your truth.

    remember: you can't plan your emotions. you can never really know what lies ahead until you open that door and walk through it. so tell him what you want. maybe he wants it too.

    good luck.
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    Jun 05, 2012 4:15 PM GMT
    Jockbod48 saidI would echo some of what I've read above. Try to communicate your thoughts with your s.o. and see if there can be some hope for improving your relationship and finding more common interests. If there is no hope, at least you've tried. You indicated you really care for this guy, and so isn't it worth the effort to try to see if you can ignite the spark once again?

    I'm in my 50's now, so I've seen a lot of life. One thing I would caution you about is the possibility of ending your relationship and moving on out into the world...........only to find out that the grass isn't greener on the other side after all. And then it might be too late to turn back. What I mean is the situation at home now might be less than exciting, but there may not be another chance at finding someone you care so much about, and you could regret saying good bye to this person you care so much for.


    +
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    Jun 05, 2012 4:51 PM GMT
    To be honest, it sounds like you've both let this get too far already.

    Still, it is worthwhile to take a little more time to review and explore whether there is a salvageable relationship here first. TALK. Perhaps you're both on the same page, and don't even know it yet... and perhaps bringing that into the open will itself change the landscape for you both.
  • melloyello

    Posts: 149

    Jun 05, 2012 4:55 PM GMT
    One thing I would caution you about is the possibility of ending your relationship and moving on out into the world...........only to find out that the grass isn't greener on the other side after all.

    I second this one. Having been there and done that. You have to weigh the good points and bad points. I understand you feel like you've grown apart but sit down and think about what brought you together in the first place and if all of that is gone, well maybe you're making the right choice to end it. If you think some of that "spark" is still there then I'd urge you to try to fan it.

    You never know what you're letting go until its gone IMO.
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    Jun 05, 2012 4:58 PM GMT
    freedomisntfree said
    Jockbod48 saidI would echo some of what I've read above. Try to communicate your thoughts with your s.o. and see if there can be some hope for improving your relationship and finding more common interests. If there is no hope, at least you've tried. You indicated you really care for this guy, and so isn't it worth the effort to try to see if you can ignite the spark once again?

    I'm in my 50's now, so I've seen a lot of life. One thing I would caution you about is the possibility of ending your relationship and moving on out into the world...........only to find out that the grass isn't greener on the other side after all. And then it might be too late to turn back. What I mean is the situation at home now might be less than exciting, but there may not be another chance at finding someone you care so much about, and you could regret saying good bye to this person you care so much for.


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    +1
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2012 7:05 PM GMT
    Thanks to all who responded.

    I guess I should have mentioned that we have talked about this slump. It has come up several times over the years. And we have tried to work on things, but our attempts to get back to where we were generally don't feel authentic, and so they don't last very long.

    This would not really come as a surprise to him, and he may very well feel the same. Yet it still feels so drastically permanent. I don't want this to turn into a situation where the grass is greener. But I also don't have much of a sense of what is out there, as I've been with him through most of my twenties, and this is only my second relationship.

    What we have is comforting, but it's not fulfilling. icon_sad.gif
  • Posted by a hidden member.
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    Jun 05, 2012 7:10 PM GMT
    Relationships go through phases- if it's been bad for a long time maybe you need to get out. But maybe its just a rough patch and you need to talk to him about it.

    Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

    if something upsets you, or hurts you, you tell him- you don't ignore it and then break up. that seems cowardly
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    Jun 05, 2012 7:10 PM GMT
    This is why I always tell young gays...don't try so hard to "be married" in your damned 20s. Go out and live. Date around. Fall in lust. Fall in love. Travel. Have adventures. Build your work life. Etc etc. Then, early 30s, you've lived enough, you've probably loved enough, that you'll fully understand the hard work and commitment it takes to settle down and build a life WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
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    Jun 05, 2012 7:14 PM GMT
    dlct101 saidI recently realized that I want to end my relationship with my partner of six years. But I find the thought of it overwhelming, so perhaps others who have gone through something similar can lend a few words...

    This has been a long time in the making, as my partner and I have been growing apart over the years. Now we basically act like roommates.

    I've been in school this whole time, while my partner has not attended college. Although I didn't think much of this at first, now it's pretty clear that we don't have many common interests aside from each other. My feelings on what I want out of a relationship have changed, but I still love him as a person. And despite our relationship problems, he's still a friend, which is why I'm finding this so difficult.

    We live together, we have two dogs, and our lives are merged in several ways. I just foresee this being a huge undertaking. And above all, I don't want to cause him pain. But it's also unfair of me to withhold this from him.

    How have others gone about ending a LTR? Did you feel completely certain about your decision?
    Ask yourself what was it about him that tripped your trigger when you met him. Is he still that person?
    If you really think hard about those two questions and can honestly answer them. you'll find the answer you need. Good luck!

    ( and if it was just because he was hot or great sex, it was never destined for longevity)
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    Jun 05, 2012 7:28 PM GMT
    I think it's great that you want to do this "the right way". That takes alot of maturity and it's refreshing to hear when sometimes all we hear about are relationships where one person just mentally and emotionally checks out, then things just go from bad to worse.

    I wish I could give you wise advice, but I can't. I can only wish you the best of luck that it works out for both of you.
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    Jun 05, 2012 7:31 PM GMT
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nxPT3O-X4vc

    icon_smile.gif