the value of short term dating?

  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    Jun 05, 2012 8:13 AM GMT
    i've finally met a really cute guy and we just started seeing each other... but i have like 3 months left in shanghai....FML

    How does dating even work when i'm constantly travelling and living abroad? What's the point of a 3 month relationship, or any relationship that already comes with an expiry date? I'm planning to be living in numerous other cities for the next couple years, but sure as hell don't wanna be single until 25...
  • Dominican_Gen...

    Posts: 379

    Jun 05, 2012 2:21 PM GMT
    Never has found myself in your dilema, but from what I have seen in many others you have 2 options:
    1. Get used to short term relationships / fuck buddies while the duration on your moving around years.
    2. Postpone your traveling, build a LTR for a couple of years... And once it is solid enough it should withstand some limited traveling with regular re-encounters trough the year.

    In other words, LTR and roots go together. You either set some roots or sail away for adventure. You COULD have both if your bc were sailing away with you.

    I know I wouldn't date anyone seriously if he came with a pre-defined expiration date.

    You are young and craving adventure. There is nothing wrong on been 25th and been single. Do your fair share of traveling now that you have the energy/resources.
  • Diceroll

    Posts: 224

    Jun 05, 2012 2:27 PM GMT
    I'm not sure why you're talking about being single until you're 25 like it's the end of the world. You're only a few years away from it anyway.

    I haven't done a lot of travelling but I can imagine it would be hard building a LTR if you are constantly moving from place to place. If your plans are already booked I would enjoy travelling for now, and focus on meeting potential husbands after you've settled in one place.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    Jun 06, 2012 5:50 PM GMT
    well my hope is that on one of these occasions, i'll end up inseparable from some guy and he'll follow me everywhere i go, and i'll bring him back to Toronto as a souvenir =P

    Sigh lol...
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    Jun 06, 2012 5:56 PM GMT
    highforthis saidwell my hope is that on one of these occasions, i'll end up inseparable from some guy and he'll follow me everywhere i go, and i'll bring him back to Toronto as a souvenir =P

    Sigh lol...


    Souvenier? People aren't possessions.

    While you are in the travel phase of your life enjoy the relationships you forge with people, but be honest with them and let them know you are just passing through. Who knows one day when you settle in one place you may reconnect with a former BF and you will have a convenient basis for starting a LTR.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    Jun 06, 2012 5:57 PM GMT
    haha that was a joke. I meant souvenir as in LTR. Love at first sight can happen in the gay world too right?
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    Jun 06, 2012 5:58 PM GMT
    highforthis saidwell my hope is that on one of these occasions, i'll end up inseparable from some guy and he'll follow me everywhere i go


    If a guy had so little going on in his life that he could follow me on every whim I'd be dating a loser.
  • mybud

    Posts: 11837

    Jun 06, 2012 6:31 PM GMT
    highforthis saidwell my hope is that on one of these occasions, i'll end up inseparable from some guy and he'll follow me everywhere i go, and i'll bring him back to Toronto as a souvenir =P

    Sigh lol...
    Men aren't lambs,Mary....
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    Jun 06, 2012 6:44 PM GMT
    Ariodante said
    highforthis saidwell my hope is that on one of these occasions, i'll end up inseparable from some guy and he'll follow me everywhere i go


    If a guy had so little going on in his life that he could follow me on every whim I'd be dating a loser.


    +1
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    Jun 06, 2012 10:01 PM GMT
    Yeah I'm thinking you need to do a lot more dating. Enjoy being young, why would you want to be tied down so young anyway? It is going to go by much faster than you think. Obviously use your head and be careful, but this is your time to spread your wings man, last thing I would worry about is moving cage to cage!
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    Jun 06, 2012 10:02 PM GMT
    Enjoy the time you have with this person...and when that bridge comes, you cross it.
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    Jun 06, 2012 10:06 PM GMT
    It's a personal question only you can answer. What's more important to you, work or romance?
    Maybe you will meet a guy who will follow you home, maybe you will meet a guy who will convince you to stay.
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    Jun 06, 2012 10:30 PM GMT
    Don't mind the subtitles.
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    Jun 06, 2012 10:36 PM GMT
    highforthis saidhaha that was a joke. I meant souvenir as in LTR. Love at first sight can happen in the gay world too right?


    Love at first sight? No, not even whether str8 or gay world. Lust at first sight -- Yes. Love is something far more deeper and takes way more time than it takes just to glance at someone.
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    Jun 07, 2012 3:05 AM GMT
    Maybe you're only travelling because you haven't met the right one.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    Jun 07, 2012 4:02 AM GMT
    Ariodante said
    highforthis saidwell my hope is that on one of these occasions, i'll end up inseparable from some guy and he'll follow me everywhere i go


    If a guy had so little going on in his life that he could follow me on every whim I'd be dating a loser.


    Haha, ok, assuming that I'm smart enough not to be dating one of those, but rather a fellow expat who, like me, isn't deeply rooted anywhere, who is the complete package as far as looks, talent, personality and compatibility goes...

    ...should i spend the next couple months wooing him so that we can make an effort to line up our plans? (bigggg compromises from both sides obviously) How fast can a relationship get to a point that justifies making those sacrifices?
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jun 07, 2012 4:11 PM GMT
    highforthis said What's the point of a 3 month relationship, or any relationship that already comes with an expiry date?

    Why do soldiers in trenches and foxholes bond with each other when they might be dead the next day? Why do people have affairs with guys going off to war?
    1. Sex.
    2. Romance - for the moment.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    Jun 14, 2012 5:52 AM GMT
    ^^It's well known that if death is probable and imminent, it's much easier for people to bond quickly and ignore social conventions.

    I just won a fellowship to do a work term in a very specific location, so now I have one month left in shanghai, one month left to convince potential bf to take a very specific detour for 4 months, ARGH! We just went on a third date, but I still couldn't tell how much he is into me. I was going to pay for dinner, but he insisted on separate bills, wtf? We went for a long walk, but most of our conversation was surprisingly mundane... it was like we were running out of things to talk about. He's pretty shy i'll give him that, but i dunno... he said he hooked up a couple times last year, so he isn't as "pure" as I assumed lol... so why does it still feel so platonic???. I actually wish he wasn't this much better looking than me, just so my odds won't be so slim. The chemistry is so painfully slow... maybe it needs a catalyst like "i think i like you" to get quicker results lol... I'm seriously considering saying that for the next date, if it even gets there.
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    Jun 14, 2012 6:13 AM GMT
    Have you kissed him yet? Sorry if that's too forward a question, but if you have and he is asking for seperate checks I hate to say it but sounds like your headed for the "friend zone". If you haven't - lean in and make his toes curl!

    I guess I am just naturally more sexual, I can pretty much tell in the first kiss whether there is chemistry or not. Usually we can't keep our hands off each other. Second date - more of the same, and so on.

    I'm thinking maybe you need to toss the cool reserve out the window and let him know your hot for him in a more physical way. I don't know if I would be talking feelings just now.. find out if you have a reason for those feelings first.
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    Jun 14, 2012 6:19 AM GMT
    Have fun with it. The experience is very much worth it and it helps you develop as a person. Seriously, you learn a lot about yourself through others and it can only help you be a better person. Sure you have some unpleasant moments but that's just life when it comes to dating.

    I say enjoy it and take from it what you can. Besides, from now until you turn 25 you have no idea what is going to happen and how things will turn out or where you'll be when you meet that special someone. The one short date you have might turn into something long term. You don't know and no one else does either so just live life and take in the experience to have and save when it's needed.
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    Jun 14, 2012 6:21 AM GMT
    highforthis said
    Ariodante said
    highforthis saidwell my hope is that on one of these occasions, i'll end up inseparable from some guy and he'll follow me everywhere i go


    If a guy had so little going on in his life that he could follow me on every whim I'd be dating a loser.


    Haha, ok, assuming that I'm smart enough not to be dating one of those, but rather a fellow expat who, like me, isn't deeply rooted anywhere, who is the complete package as far as looks, talent, personality and compatibility goes...

    ...should i spend the next couple months wooing him so that we can make an effort to line up our plans? (bigggg compromises from both sides obviously) How fast can a relationship get to a point that justifies making those sacrifices?


    Let me stop you right here and set myself up as a cautionary tale. When I moved back from Texas to California, I had been dating someone for about seven months. I am a total lesbian at heart and we agreed that he would move to California with me. That did not work out very well at all.

    You do not know the person your prospective partner will become in a new locale, how it will impact him to be away from friends and family, what dependency issues might arise due to him being uprooted, how it will change his personality for you to be the focus of decision making, and do not know all of the myriad ways the normal stress of a major move will pick away at your nascent relationship.

    As you can tell from the reaction that most of the other guys had, this is a big no-no. I understand the difficulties that work can present to having a relationship - I really do. But at some point you have to become anchored enough in one spot to begin forming one, and if you can't right now that's just the way it is. Trying to take someone in tow is foolish, and I am a perfect example of that.

    Have you ever seen the movie "Up In The Air"? Here's a great quote about that tension between relationships and demanding types of work that I find illuminating:

    "Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises. The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks."

    You have chosen to perform a certain function. Sometimes that is incompatible with certain types of happiness. You get to choose what you really want.
  • highforthis

    Posts: 681

    Jun 14, 2012 6:57 AM GMT
    ^^Yeah I've heard similar stories from my friends too, but the difference here is we've both been "away from home" for quite some time. Neither of us are settling down anywhere soon, but both of us are from Canada (Quebec for him)

    NoNoNoYes saidHave you kissed him yet? Sorry if that's too forward a question, but if you have and he is asking for seperate checks I hate to say it but sounds like your headed for the "friend zone". If you haven't - lean in and make his toes curl!

    I guess I am just naturally more sexual, I can pretty much tell in the first kiss whether there is chemistry or not. Usually we can't keep our hands off each other. Second date - more of the same, and so on.

    I'm thinking maybe you need to toss the cool reserve out the window and let him know your hot for him in a more physical way. I don't know if I would be talking feelings just now.. find out if you have a reason for those feelings first.


    We haven't kissed or even held hands. How does one get there with a stranger that they've met 3 times? I don't even know if he's a top or bottom. Most people assume I'm a bottom since I look like one, so i overcompensate by acting extra masculine (even developed a taste for scotch despite being a lightweight). If we are both tops, I could personally live without the sex, but I dunno if he could. How does one bring this up without waiting to find out the "fun" way, (which is way down the road since we're both prudes). I know guys who ask point blank on the first date, so to not waste time with incompatibles, but that's just cold. I also know a couple who started out compatible, but the top eventually became a bottom too, and they split. That scares me.

    Maybe next date i'll make sure we drink a lot and sit very close to each other, and see what happens lol
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    Jun 14, 2012 7:14 AM GMT
    If you can pencil each other into your schedules for two years when you cross paths, and can make a relationship work, all the best to you. To me it sounds less like a relationship and more like air traffic control.

    On the other hand, no option like no options.
  • Suetonius

    Posts: 1842

    Jun 14, 2012 7:24 AM GMT
    highforthis said If we are both tops, I could personally live without the sex, but I dunno if he could.

    If "you're both tops," (may we assume you are talking anal?) and you only have 3 months, you might try experimenting with oral or jacking off. You could both probably survive for 3 months without fucking.

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    Jun 14, 2012 9:32 AM GMT
    Short term relationship is good if both of you know that it is short term and there is very little emotional involvement.

    My boyfriend and I met each other in Canada in 2010 and we have been inseparable since then. I had to come back to India in march this year when my visa came to expiration but we still haven't left each other. We talk every day on the phone and skype once a week. Next month we would finish 2 years of our relationship (and still going strong) He is also planning to visit me here soon enough and my papers are in process to move back to Canada by September.

    I will say you don't get into the relationship scene unless you are more stable at one place because getting into a relationship with someone of a different nationality requires some serious commitment and a serious plan to be back together